15- letting go

it's been exactly 72 hours since I last heard of Alan or anyone remotely close to my job, if that job even exists anymore.

72 hours I haven't done anything but regret existing and spending time laying in my bed.

from time to time I get up and try to pick something to eat, my total sleep time barely counts as a half hour, my whole body hurts and I can't even describe what my head feels like.

I hate being like this, I hate this whole deal and I really really hate myself for not being enough.

I messed around for so long and never did anything at all, people were expecting me to work and all I did was just have breakdowns and inventing setbacks to situations that could have easily being resolved by me being good enough.

my sleep deprivation is only a symptom of my ineptitude, I could have easily resolver this by day 2.

but what is messing with my head is... how?

how was I supposed to do that? I can't... just spontaneously spawn a miracle from the palm of my hand... I can't... just resolve things by thinking about them, I am not like her.

she can do anything she wants just because she has enough power to dissolve planets. she is a total bitch and nobody can just put her in her place, well, according to Alan the only one who could...

faraday...

is she....alright? ....I wonder

she said that nothing bad would happen but I don't think my little fight with that witch will help her with dealing with Gustave.

I don't... want to think about all of this... it hurts.

this is not my style, I'm not supposed to mourn about stuff that could happen, I'm supposed to get on with it and move out. this is just... a minor setback.

I...

I finally decide to sit down and start thinking about the future instead of waiting for the past to come to me and mess with my existence. I clear my burning eyes with my hands and lay my back in the wall next to my bed, my knees close to my chest and my arms put right on top of them.

I really.... need to get up and forget about it.

I combine all the forces inside my body just to finally stand up, I slowly but surely walk towards the bathroom and set the temperature to a really nice warm temperature. I take off my dirty clothes while feeling the smooth sensation of the steam drowning the room.

the water takes both the dirt in my hair and my worries away, the soap feels like a caring touch, the comfort I expect to get from a human touch and reassures me that everything will be ok, that at the end of the day I can just come back here and feel the wa-AAAAAAA MY EYE THERE IS SOAP IN MY EY-

after almost killing myself in the shower I step outside "just to wonder around" for the first time in... ever.

I ignore all the trash pilled in my entrance and all the dishes I have to do once I come back.

I focus on just walking around the city, losing myself to the pretty lights and the city life.

I find myself walking among crowds of people passing by. most of them look happy, without a worry in their faces. groups of friends, co-workers spending time together and... couples.

couples...

perhaps I should... find someone for me, a distraction for my times were I don't work.

wait, work, do I still have a job?.

I mean clearly the last one didn't work out but they just... removed my previous job?.

I mean in retrospective dealing with that shampoo guy wasn't so bad, at least I understood him... kinda.

maybe if I talk with the secretary I befriended one day... well I think she and I can be considered as friends... kinda, I talked to her, that is being friends right?.

my eyes hurt a lot from the lack of sleeping, I hope I can fix my insomnia at some point but for now at least I could find a place where I can buy me some eye drops.

near the crossing of 4 streets that are nearby there is a white drugstore that has a bright white and red display signaling that is open 24/7, useful since it's like 1 am and everything but bars are closed.

I walk inside, the halls seem bigger than what they seemed outside. a bell rings when the door closes and I am met with a familiar voice.

-welcome to Jacob's be sure to ask for- oh hey there ✌️

wait, do I know her? her voice strikes a nerve somewhere in my brain, a "I don't remember this guy but their voice annoys me" one.

she know me.... annoying..... oh God.

-why are you working here now?!.

- oh... I got fired from the clothing store, turns out I got most of the prices wrong tee hee.

-now you work on a drugstore?

-its more close to my home so it's actually an upgrade if you think about it (⁠ʘ⁠ᴗ⁠ʘ⁠✿⁠)

-not really.

- anyway what are you buying?

- I.... I really don't find myself comfortable talking about buying stuff to you.

- ooooh why not? I even helped by getting you a really nice dress!.

-A DRESS I SHOULDN'T-.... you know what, fuck it. I don't really care anymore.

- why are you so mad? did something bad happened? (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠)

- nothing you should worry about, I need eye drops, good ones.

-oh yeah your eyes look really.... bad ⊙⁠﹏⁠⊙

-yes that is why I need drops, so just tell me how much will it cost me.

-if you have trouble sleeping I could recommend you a really helpful tea that will-.

-JUST THE DROPS. THANKS!

- ok (⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠;⁠)

...

...

-that would be $25.54 (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠).

- ok now what is the real price.

- that... is the real price (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠')

-for real?

- yep (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠)

- w-why are they so expensive what the fuck?!

- I mean it's not like a lot of people use them at this time, so it's more like a luxury thing.

- oh come on are you really going to tell me that nobody uses eye drops now?!

- people tend to sleep well miss....

-cecile, and fuck you.

-come on Cecile there is no need to be so aggressive.

- I'm... sorry (not really to be honest), it's just... I've seen better days, just give me the damm drops and let me get out of here.

- if your in need of some relaxation I could help you with that (⁠・⁠–⁠・⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ

-NO

- I'm talking about that tea I told you about, it's really good dealing with stress.

- thanks for the offer but I'll pass.

-i really think you need it, you don't look or... act like you're good.

-i can deal with life, that is enough for me.

- oh come on, my turn ends in like 15 minutes, we can go to my house and we can talk about what is bothering you.

-no

- I have cookieeeees (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

-no

-(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)

-....

-(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

-.... sure what ever I don't care, it's not like I have something better to do.

- wonderful (⁠☆⁠▽⁠☆⁠) if you can wait outside while I end the things here in the store

-sure.

I walk outside the store, I lay my back on the wall while I....

wait.

the fuck did I just do?