The meeting
He had this way of making me feel like a woman and a child all at once; Safe and secure. His touch left warmth and goosebumps wherever his hands wandered. I Don't think I was fully prepared for this kind of love and at the same time I couldn't understand how I had lived this long without it. The year that followed our meeting was an overwhelmingly fast, deep and passionate love that was intense and packed to the brim with life changing circumstances and events. It was almost as if payment for finding each other needed to be made. He preferred to think of us meeting as a gift, that the universe knew we needed each other to make it through that year.
I can remember us meeting for the first time perfectly. We were meant to go on a date the day before, but he got caught up at work. We had met online and had been talking for awhile. No romantic random meeting at a bookstore or love at first sight while walking through the park on a cool autumn afternoon, like I had often daydreamed about through my teen years. I daydreamed more that I care to share. Always about love, I always wanted to be loved like the girls in the books I read. That undying, loyal til death, sacrificing, fighting kind of love. The kind of love that carries through time, the kind of love we watch in movies or write about in poems. The kind of love you run away from your family for. ...I was dramatic to say the least.
Dramatic but romantic. The next night. The night we finally met though, proved to me that love like that could be found. It was real and I was just as worthy of it as the delicate beauties I would read about.
He was on his way to my house. At the time I lived with my Mom, it was about 10:45pm. I paced from my bedroom to the front door at least a 100 times. I was so nervous for him to see me. I argued with my own mind over whether or not I had time to cancel. I didn't want him to see my protruding stomach...how big my cheeks were or how square my body shape was. Suddenly I remembered all the things I hated about myself and how he might hate them just as much as I did. I didn't want to lose him before I even got the chance to get to know him. I paced back to my room again, opened my closet door and found a hoodie. It was my late uncles. I put it on, then walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror." ...I guess that's better" I thought as I looked at myself from the side. Hoping to hide a bit of my stomach. Pulling the hood on and then off, trying to see what slimmed my round face the best. Nothing was going to hide my face though. I looked over my body again before shrugging and walking back to the front door.
Peering out the front windows I saw headlights. My heart stopped and instant panic sent waves of nausea through my body. I took a deep breath before walking to my room one more time and then back to the front door. I wanted to make it seem like I hadn't been waiting by the door like a sad puppy. I walked outside and to his car. He was still sitting inside when I reached it. A million thoughts ran through my head as I weighed my options. "Should I walk up to the door of his car? Why hasn't he gotten out? Did he already decide he doesn't like me? Pull your hoodie out farther your stomach might be showing. I should have worn something else. Why didn't I put shoes on? Maybe he is texting another girl real quick. Fuck. I shouldn't have done this."
He opened the door to his car, the light turned on and he stepped out. My mind went silent and a stupid, wide smile grew on my face as soon as I saw him. It started slowly on the right side of my mouth before becoming a full on grin. I didn't mean to smile so big, I didn't even know I was at first. It was like I knew him. It felt like I was smiling from seeing an old friend. I hated myself even more at this moment than I had a second ago.
The world seemed to grow silent as he leaned in for a side hug and we greeted each other. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest and breathing more than I would have liked too. All I could think about was how he must have been lookin at me and judging me. I felt huge. We leaned against the front hood of his car, looking up at the night sky and making small talk. Trying to get a feel for the energy and vibe of each other. Trying to break the ice and awkwardness that comes with meeting someone for the first time. His voice was calm and soothing. I liked how he laughed, how he seemed interested and kept the conversation going.
I tried to sneak glances at him from the side, he had nice eyes, big and brown. His face seemed relaxed and his arms were crossed. He had broad shoulders and a nice chest. I liked how his face looked in the moonlight. His nose and cheeks stood out to me the most. He had a nice strong nose bridge and his cheeks were just high enough to catch the light. But it was his eyes that kept bringing me back. I had to fight the urge to look at him more. I didn't want to seem weird. We stood there at the front of his car talking for a while before moving to my front porch.
Sitting on folding lawn chairs we talked the night away, he shared stories from his past and I shared some of mine. We spent the night talking about what we wanted from this and what we had been through. He was honest about some of his more reckless stories and I loved it. He was funny, he had lived a full life and that made me fall even more for his charm. It was easy, Even that first night was so easy. We spent the night talking until nearly 4am. Eventually he had to go home and we said our goodbyes, I remember hoping he would kiss me. But he didn't, He seemed too respectful to steal that first kiss that night. I walked back down my driveway feeling good, I hoped to see him again soon.