Chapter 4: The Culling and Making Friends

Chapter 4: The Culling . . . and Making Friends

Hari had laid on the wall above his door and was wide awake when it swung open. The boy sneaking into his room met his foot coming the other direction and slammed into the wall outside the room with a wet thump. Hari shrugged and closed his door, wondering if that would be enough to ward off further visitors.

He was awake again when Professor Snape stormed into his room to find him lying on his bed, apparently asleep. "POTTER!"

"Mrg. Yes, Professor?" Hari blinked his eyes with "sleepiness" and yawned. "What can I do for you at this early hour?"

"Explain why Mister Boil is lying in a coma against the wall outside your room!"

"I haven't the faintest idea, Professor." Which was true. He was fairly certain he'd struck hard enough to kill.

"He's outside your room."

"Is his hair black, Professor?"

"Yes! Why?"

"Just curious, Professor. Besides, I thought you were giving me random facts about him." Hari swung his legs out of bed and rose. "I know it's a bit early, but I'm going to go to breakfast."

"It's two in the morning, Potter!"

"You woke me up, so I assumed that early breakfast was being served."

"I woke you up because Mister Dhal found him lying there."

"Odd," said Hari. "My room is at the end of a cul-de-sac. There're only rooms on this side of the corridor. What was Mister Dhal doing outside my room? Isn't he a sixth year and not a Prefect?"

"How did Mister Boil come to lie on the floor outside in a coma, Potter?"

"I thought I already told you I don't know. I'm much more interested in why there were two sixth years outside my room." He yawned. "Since, as you pointed out, it is two in the morning, would you kindly go tend to your injured student and let me sleep?"

"No, Potter. You will come with me to see Professor Dumbledore! This is three attacks already. I'll see you expelled."

Hari shrugged. "Then if you would let me get dressed?"

"You've got your robes on, Potter."

Hari shrugged and allowed himself to be ushered out of the room, idly noting the splatter of blood where his victim had struck the wall. How frustrating. He would need to spend more time working with his Uncles if some idiot sixteen-year-old survived his kicks.

X

X

Ten minutes and enough winding corridors that anyone but him would be totally lost later, he was standing in front of a particularly ugly gargoyle in an empty hallway. Granted, he could see past the wall and knew that there was a passageway on the other side, but still. He smothered his amusement as Professor Snape started shouting at the statue.

"Cockroach Cluster!" Nothing happened. For several minutes, the man devolved into mutterings about old coots who changed their passwords at inconvenient times. Finally, he returned to his attempts. "Lemon Drop! Blood Pop! Fizzing Whizbee! Acid Pop! Klondike Bar! SNICKERS!" And on and on it went.

"Professor," said Hari, "did you bring me here so I could witness an exhibition of screaming at inanimate objects? If so, you've done nearly as well as my Uncle. Now can I go back to bed?"

"No!" Professor Snape kicked the pedestal the gargoyle sat on and began to hop up and down, clutching his foot. "OPEN YOU BASTARD!" There was a grinding noise as the gargoyle leapt down and stepped to the side, allowing the wall to slide open and a moving staircase to be revealed.

"Interesting password." Hari slipped by the hobbling Professor and rode the stairs up to a pair of heavy doors, which he pushed open. "Good morning, Headmaster."

"Good morning, my boy." Dumbledore twinkled at him merrily and Hari strangled the urge to kill the man for being so cheerful at this hour. "Severus, my boy," the man turned to Snape. "Why didn't you just try the password like a normal person? 'Cockroach Cluster' would have opened the door without putting on such a show. Really, do you need such a sense of drama?"

Hari smothered a snort of laughter as the Professor went purple and his fingers flexed. "You should really see a medic about that color, Professor." He could tell the man was just this side of a rant that would make Uncle Hidan proud. "Could you explain why I'm here instead of asleep in my bed?"

"Yes!" Snape began to vibrate with rage. "This boy, Headmaster, is responsible for three attacks on his housemates!"

"I am not," interjected Hari.

"He threw a needle into Mister Malfoy's eye!"

"I did not."

"Then he threw chicken into Mister Malfoy's other eye!"

"I thought it was part of a friendly food fight."

"And he attempted to murder Mister Boil!"

"I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion. Headmaster, if I may?" At a gesture from the man, Hari continued. "In response to the accusation of needle-attacking, I already replied that Mister Malfoy attempted to disembowel me six times and that I have at least as much evidence as his claims. The food fight was clearly Malfoy's fault, as he was punished for starting it. And I'm not clear why someone lying in a coma outside my room is my problem, but while we're on the subject, what was a sixth year doing outside my room anyway? It's not on the way to anything."

"All good points," said Dumbledore. "Certainly, I can dismiss the first two issues since they were addressed earlier. I do believe you spoke to Harry about them over dinner. But he does raise an interesting question that I would like answered: what was Mister Boil doing outside his room?"

"I have no idea, Headmaster," hissed Snape. "But it's his fault!" he declared, pointing at Hari.

"I'm a little lost here, Professor, Headmaster," said Hari. "But why is it my fault?"

"No idea, Harry," replied Dumbledore. "Severus?"

"It's his room! It must be his fault!"

"I see." Dumbledore nodded. "I'm sorry to see that your hatred of Harry's father has already begun to interfere in your professional demeanor, Severus. Harry, can you find your wake back to your room on your own?"

"Yes. Thank you, Headmaster." Hari rose, gave his head of hose a jaunty wave and proceeded to go to Fawkes. "Hey there. Sorry about the lightning." He got a cheerful sort of whistle in return and left.

As he closed the door, he heard behind him, "Honestly, Severus, could you be any less professional? Accusing one student of attacking another."

X

X

Two days of classes affirmed Hari's belief that the other students just weren't trying hard enough. For some reason, all of them were determined to find that they had difficulties with the simplest spells. And they had a fixation on wands that was worrying him. If nothing else, Uncle Hidan made sure that he was aware they were waving around little penises. The way they all worried about the quality of their wands suggested a far deeper issue to his mind.

He was also certain that his most hated class was Astronomy. Not only did he have no idea what any of the stars looked like around here, but he also had to deal with the fact that someone decided that it was a good idea to hold the class at midnight. He didn't even have the death of someone to look forwards to as a way to alleviate his annoyance. He might be a night owl when he was on a job, but the rest of the time he liked to sleep late. Especially when he could sleep a whole four hours straight because his dad wasn't around to set him on fire if he did.

Though he was torn. History was impressively dull. On the upside, since the ghost teaching didn't pay attention, he hadn't bothered to show up since the first day. And of course Defense was interminable. If nothing else, he wished the stuttering man would stop trying to talk. It was annoying. Even Uncle Deidara didn't have such a frustrating verbal tic. He had his suspicions about the man, though, because anyone in this culture where words were needed to cast spells would be dead if he tried to specialize in fighting and stuttered.

His fellow students were no longer surprised to find Hari already in the room when a class was supposed to start. Despite having never been seen in the corridors, he had demonstrated a mastery of the castle that was second to none except, perhaps, Filch. No one else had managed to not get lost on a regular basis. Of course, he got lost all the time, but only intentionally so he could explore some part he hadn't seen before. And he had the advantage that secret passages had their requirements written in magic—in other words, they might as well have instructions for him to read. He rather enjoyed the Byakugan.

And he was finally going to see what Potions class was going to be like. As usual, he was already in his seat when the others arrived. He had his feet propped on a cauldron and was apparently dozing. He waved at Daphne, who was one of the few students who seemed to tolerate his attitude. "Good morning," he said cheerily and in complete contravention of her instruction not to talk to her.

"Potter." She sat down beside him, knowing that her classmates would raise a fuss if she sat somewhere else and would thus subject them to being next to him (and thus in the line of fire of an annoyed Professor). "Do you think that there's even the slightest chance you'll manage to avoid losing points this period?"

"Of course . . . assuming Professor Snape acts in a professional manner and doesn't try to pick a fight with someone his intellectual superior."

"Are you defining yourself as an intellectual superior?" she muttered.

"Indeed."

"So we're losing points by the bucket then?" She sighed, resigned.

"Can a house go into the negatives?"

"I don't think so. I don't know if it's ever been tried."

"I don't know if we can lose more, then."

"Dear Merlin," she hissed. "I stopped looking at the hourglass a couple days ago. Are you telling me we're at zero?"

"Oh yes. Professor Snape seems determined to curb my politeness by means of punishing his house." Hari shrugged. "I'm not sure why this is a good plan."

"Doesn't he keep giving you detentions, too?"

"Well, yes. But I know better than to show up to them."

She shook her head and moaned. "I'm a virtual pariah, you know. Because I sat next to you on our first day, everyone assumes I'm your friend and treats me like it."

"Odd. Other than being polite to you, I'm not sure what could have given them that impression. Well, if it makes you feel better, you can be my friend."

"No it doesn't!"

"Oh well."

The door slammed open and Professor Snape stalked in. "POTTER!" He was already turning purple. "Get your feet off the cauldron!"

Hari shrugged and lifted his feet so they were an inch off the cauldron. Snape twitched. He began to take roll with something resembling hatred of the English language. "Potter . . . What would I get if I mixed powdered wormwood and asphodel?"

Hari didn't open his eyes. "I don't believe the answer is in our textbook, Professor." He paused. "No. Nowhere. The only reference to wormwood is page two-twenty-five and it mentions the danger of adding it to chocolate pudding." Another pause. "And no reference to asphodel at all."

"Twenty points for your cheek, Potter!"

"Just to be clear, sir, the cheek here is for knowing that the answer to a random question you posed is not in the text you assigned us as the one needed for this year in Potions?" Hari asked innocently. "Should I have instead acted dumbfounded because I did not know an answer I could not have read without looking in advanced texts before my first ever class in a subject?"

"Where would I look for a bezoar?" growled Snape.

"Ah, that one I think is mentioned in the text. I believe on page four-thirty-one it says to buy them from the apothecary."

"Wrong!"

"No, I'm sure of my citation, sir."

"Showing your ignorance of magic, Potter. You would look in the belly of a goat!"

"Why would I do that, sir?"

"To find a bezoar!"

"But the text you assigned—"

"What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"The same as the difference between either of them and aconite, sir."

"So you don't know! Fifteen points for failure to read."

Hari cocked his head. "But since the three are the same plant, I rather think I answered the question, Professor."

"Detention!"

"Wonderful. I needed something to do this evening. I'll enjoy avoiding it. Thank you, sir!"

Snape had turned dark purple and kept muttering for several minutes. "Instructions are on the board. Begin brewing!"

Hari turned to Daphne. "Is this a group exercise?"

"No idea."

"Well then, I'll work alone so that you might get graded fairly." Hari rose and proceeded to climb onto the backs of Gryffindors and walk from shoulder to head to the cabinet and retrieve ingredients before walking on Slytherins to get back to his desk.

He held out a small packet to Daphne. "Here. I got extras." She took them with a scowl.

Eighteen minutes into the brewing, Snape came over. "Potter!"

"Yes, Professor?" asked Hari as he carefully stirred the potion exactly one and a half times using his left foot.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm following the instructions, sir?"

Snape glared into the cauldron. "You're doing it wrong!" he declared, looking at a potion that so far was being made perfectly and exactly according to the instructions.

"If you say so, sir." Hari used his left hand to drop in three blue toad eyes (the eyes were blue, not the toads). The mix began to fizz appropriately. His free hand used a spare knife to spear a flying ingredient from the air and set it aside.

Snape gulped. That had been a bee stinger which, if it had hit the potion at this stage, would have coated everyone within ten feet with enough incomplete boil remover to turn each victim into a giant pustule. He was right next to the cauldron. Before he could finish contemplating just how close he had come to being turned into a sphere of pus, Hari flicked the stinger back in the direction it had come. The Professor barely had time to turn when he saw the cauldron in front of Mister Malfoy erupt. He was just thankful that he was more than ten feet away.

Hari had seen the eruption begin and grabbed Daphne as he leapt for the front of the room. "I do believe class is going to be dismissed in a moment." There was a boom as the spray hit other cauldrons, which filled the Slytherin half of the room with incomplete and tainted potion. "Now would be the moment." He ducked outside, dragging her along. "I don't know what will happen if we get hit with that stuff, but I'm betting it's bad. Uncle Sasori always says the worst part of poisons is making them."

With that, Hari strolled off, turned a corner and vanished for the rest of the day.

X

X

When he turned up at dinner, it was to a round of raucous applause from the Gryffindor table. "All hail the Great Potter, destroyer of Slytherin!" cried much of the table, led by the red-haired twins. "Three cheers for Potter!" Followed by three loud rounds of cheering.

Dumbledore rose. "Congratulations, Mister Potter," he said. "In less than a week, you've done more for interhouse unity than I've seen in decades!"

"But Headmaster!" shouted Snape. "He set off a chain reaction in Potions that has the rest of his yearmates in Hospital!"

"To be fair," called Hari, "I only threw back something they had clearly lost. I thought they would want it returned."

When Dumbledore nodded, Snape threw his hands up in the air and began to scream in incoherent rage.

Hari sat down next to Daphne. "Will you be okay?" he asked.

"Why?"

"Because if they think you're my friend, they might try to kill you?"

"What?"

"Oh yes. I'm fairly certain at least two people have tried it on me already."

"What?"

"So do be careful."

"Eh. My family's rich enough that an attack on me would be expensive." She shrugged. "Besides, attacking an unmarried pureblood girl? That's just not done. We're too valuable in alliances."

Hari nodded. "Understandable. I think at least one of my uncles might agree. I can't be sure which, though. Maybe Uncle Sasori? He's good at politics."

Hari got up and walked over to Professor Snape, holding his bowl of rice and vegetables. "Are you okay, Professor?" he asked. "You haven't taken a breath in quite some time." When no answer was forthcoming, he paused and then jabbed his fingers into the nerves on the Professor's back. The man collapsed instantly.

"Ten points to Slytherin for care for head of house," said Dumbledore.

Hari lifted the man onto his shoulders and began to walk out of the hall. "I'll put him to bed."

X

X

Itachi looked up when one of the crows flew into the tower and dropped a letter on his desk. It was thick parchment and rolled tightly. With a kunai, he undid the binding and began to read.

Dear Dad,

First, you won't believe what I learned! I blew up a Dark Lord at the age of one! He was terrorizing the whole community here, so that probably makes him A or S, right? Anyway, you've got to tell Uncle Hidan that I got my first kill before I was out of diapers!

Also, I figured out why that lady was looking like she wanted to eat Uncle Kisame. She can turn into a cat. I think she really did want to eat him—and not how Uncle Hidan was saying.

Tell Uncle Kakuzu I have more gold than him! I meant to write to tell you guys that before, but I was distracted. I estimated several metric tonnes of gold. So tell him 'haha' please.

Oh, oh! I've already had at least two attempts on my life. But they were so amateur I don't think they count. I'm planning to escalate to lethal if things continue, though. I thought I had, but the boy survived a kick to the head. I'm planning to step up my game.

And I found that my Defense Professor apparently has a soul on the back of his head. Isn't that what you said Uncle Pein removed for me? I keep meaning to ask the medic if that's a common thing around here, but I get distracted exploring.

Can you tell Tobi that he's right that being cheerful and friendly is hilarious? They really do turn purple if you keep at it enough. Especially since my Headmaster is aiding and abetting my efforts. I think he knows most of what I'm doing and is just screwing with everyone.

Finally, I may have made a friend. She spends time with me because everyone thinks she's my friend and since they hate me, they won't spend time with her. I don't know if that counts.

Love from your son,

Hari

P.S. I think my head of house is going to have a brain aneurysm soon.

X

X

Hari didn't bother going to sleep that night. Instead he simply lay in wait. When his door opened, he continued to wait until the barrage of spells stopped. Then he dropped down and gripped the heads of the two boys closest to the door and slammed them into the wall twice, making sure he felt brains splatter.

His foot lashed out, catching a third boy under the chin and sending him flying down the hall, skidding on the stone until he'd left behind a trail of flesh and his skull smacked into the ground, spraying gray matter.

Hari's fingers blurred and a dragon of wind formed in the hall and raced down it into the common room, tearing the three remaining attackers into ribbons along the way. He cleaned his hands on the robes of one of the corpses and returned to his room to lie down on his bed and fake sleep.

He was unsurprised by door slamming open two minutes later.

He yawned. "Hello Professor. Am I late for class?"

X

X

Dumbledore let Snape continue until he repeated himself twice. "Alright, Severus, I think I follow the gist of your point. Harry, my boy, could you shed any light?"

"No sir," replied Hari. "I was sleeping soundly when Professor Snape barged into my room. Again. I'm starting to get worried about his choice to visit a preteen boy early in the morning without warning or consent."

Dumbledore nodded and stroked his beard. "A fair concern."

"Anyway, the corridor was pretty badly damaged. But I'm not sure what that has to do with me."

"Also a good point. Well, Severus? Can you give me something to work with?"

"The boy is hated in the house!" Dumbledore made a 'go on' motion with his hand. "It must have been him!"

"Why?"

Snape paused. As much as he hated this student, he was torn. It would require admitting that he suspected the dead students were planning something nasty. Oh well. "I am guessing that the six students now in the school morgue, in a single barrel, no less, were planning to show Mister Potter the error of his ways. I find it hard to believe Potter's story, given that his bed looked like it had been hit with several blasting hexes."

"So, just to check," Dumbledore began and Snape just knew this was going to end badly. "You're asking me to punish Mister Potter for a crime we have no evidence he committed on the basis that his motive would be fighting back against students you believe attacked him with lethal intent?"

"Well," began Snape. "When you put it that way, Headmaster, it does sound rather bad."

"Yes. It does, Severus."

"But I have six families I will need to make notification for! And two were seventh years!" Snape was nearly wailing. "One was the only heir to the Occludis line!"

Hari raised a hand. "Do you need me here, Professors? Only it's not even two in the morning."

"Sadly, I think we might." Dumbledore looked at Snape. "In point of fact, Severus, I believe two of them were from the Nonsuch family, so there are only five notifications to do."

"Not helping, Headmaster!" Snape sighed. "Potter, go to bed." He looked at the surprised faces. "I can see when it's a losing battle. It's not worth keeping him up when I know he's not getting in trouble. Go to sleep, Potter. And if someone else bothers you, could you please leave them alive?"

"Uh . . ."

"If you can't say yes, please just leave."

Hari turned and walked out. From behind him he heard a whine.

(A/N John)

I can only hope that some of you are at least mildly worried by Dumbledore's lack of interest in the deaths this chapter. I reply with the fact that this is nothing compared to another story I have in the works. This is a somewhat mild conception of how I see Hogwarts running (sometimes) in that there are deaths every year. Magic is dangerous and often doesn't allow for healing of instantly fatal results. That being said, there have been more deaths so far this year than in most others in the school's history, hence Snape's upset at having to do the notifications. Besides, the majority of the deaths are usually younger students who are left to do themselves in before any time is wasted teaching them.

(A/N 2 John)

Spoon has informed me that someone is concerned that reading a new chapter will rip out stiches or something to that effect. So to the person who is having surgery, please don't read this chapter until it's safe for you to laugh.