Chapter 1 - The Straw Hat Doesn't Sing

Chapter One - The Straw Hat Doesn't Sing

My but was in the air, one leg draped over a wall, and the next thing I know my face is hitting the ground. Cus that's how you infiltrate a marine base, bitches! Casually, I pushed myself off the ground, wincing as my face decided not to resemble an ironing board anymore. With a deep breath, I prepared myself for a momentous occasion.

"Sup!" I chirped, holding up a palm and scrunching up my eyes with my lifted cheekbones.

I blinked. So… I might have just greeted a wall.

Sweat dropping, I did a one-eighty and repeated the greeting. I didn't want to brag or anything, but I felt confident I had gotten away with my slight hiccup as I smiled broadly at the man strapped to a wooden cross by his arms. In response he glared at me, his eyes shadowed under his black bandana.

"Beat it."

My eye twitched, my back stiffening as a familiar guitar intro blasted around my skull. Must… resist urge... to sing Micheal Jackson.

Meanwhile, the man wondered if the girl standing before him was having a stroke. Or perhaps it had something to do with her face slamming the concrete floor just moments before. He couldn't be sure, especially when she broke out into a manic grin.

Taking a step forward, I approached the man known as Rorona Zoro.

"Just tell me what to beat, senpai. I'll pound it into the ground!" I yelled before beginning to make sounds like 'whhhatttcchhaaa' and 'hhhwwwwwooohhhh', accompanied by my body shifting into a mantis pose with a single raised leg and wrists lifted like striking vipers.

Until said vipers turning into windmills. I winced as three resounding slaps echoed through the compound, my hand coming away stinging before I face-planted the ground for the second time today.

"Shit, sorry senpai!"

"I'm not your senpai," he snapped, sending forth his demonic aura as I looked up at him from my now perpendicular position.

Roronoa Zoro had many reactions from his foul mood before; running away screaming, jumping off a cliff, and heart attacks being common. However, for the first time ever, this tiny and clumsy creature before him snorted like a buffalo, causing his face to drop for a fraction of a second before he retained control over his features once more.

I snorted. Or dear Roger, I had snorted right in Zoro's face. This sweet, eternally lost teddy bear probably thought I was a savage. I coughed into my hand, trying to ignore my burning cheeks.

"You're so cute," I cooed, letting out an internal scream for the two seconds my back was turned from him as I righted myself.

Now she was screaming out loud. Was this the Marine's way of getting him to break?

As my face snapped back to normal, I poked him in the forehead. His endearing sneer was my reward as I let out a hearty chuckle. Yeah, I stole that from Naruto. Fight me, bitch.

"Anyway, I was thinking that while you were hanging around you could start training me," I declared, my foot scraping the hard ground sheepishly.

Actually, please hold all fighting until Zoro trains me 'cus my current fighting experience consists of… manga battles… and my dreams. Wow, I've never been in a real fight before.

"Hey, you!"

Shit, what did I JUST say?

I puffed up my cheeks in annoyance as the two Marine's stepped through the gates of the Stronghold, flanked by a lanky boy in a suit. Damn hoodlums. What does it take for a girl to get some respect for her eternal monologuing? As their bulking forms approached, I looked left and right, whipping around to my senpai.

"Save me, senpai!" I screamed, throwing myself at his feet.

"What do you want me to do? I'm tied up!" Zoro yelled back, teeth sharp and mouth wide.

"What do we have here?"

I turned to the boy in a suit, eyes flicking to his hair which was reminiscent of an onion. He walked like he was attempting the cucaracha with a stick up his but, and I had to wonder how I didn't remember that happening the first time.

"Ya know, baby doll, this area is off limits, but as the Lieutenant's son maybe I can pull some strings for you," he said with a wink.

I pressed a hand to my mouth as I tried not to vomit.

"Oh… how… nice." I blinked, adding a toothless smile as an afterthought before I realised I probably looked like the troll meme. "So you even have the power to let this guy go?"

I brushed my face into my shoulder with the hope it appeared endearing. I could do seduction, right? I totally could.

Zoro had no idea what was happening. Helmeppo looked almost gleeful as his eyes sparkled, whilst the girl's face had flickered between being green, clown-like, and constipated.

"Why would I do that? He's a criminal."

"Ahh, so you can't," I sighed, dropping my shoulders in disappointment as I gave a doe-eyed look.

Highly constipated.

"Wait," onion-boy shrieked, flapping his arms like noodles. "How about we make a deal? You give me a kiss and I'll let him go right now."

I stalled, looking back and forth between Zoro and onion-boy. I could do it for senpai, right?

"Fine," I pouted, trying to maintain my winning smile.

I could do this.

Gulping, I leaned forward, jaw clenched as onion-boy did an impression of a fish.

I could totally do this.

He smacked his lips, a hint of raw-onion escaping from his choppers.

"OH ROGER, I CAN'T DO THIS!" I screamed, my cheeks puffing up right before I felt my lunch make a reappearance.

I will never be able to eat an omelette ever again.

"Whaa?" onion-guy spluttered, turning bright purple.

I think he noticed. I did the only thing I could think of. I punched him in the face.

"Holy shit, did you see that!" I beamed, turning back to Zoro whose jaw was hanging far below the levels it anatomically should.

I briefly wondered if he was more shocked over the fact that I had almost kissed onion-boy, actually thrown up onto his suit, or punched him in the face.

"What are you two doing?" onion-guy screamed at the two Marines, seemingly coming to his senses as he jabbed a finger at me. "Get her, or I'll tell my father about this!"

"Ut-oh, he's gonna shtick Lucius Malfoy on me," I laughed, blinking blank-faced as the two Marines began to sweat and one of them lifted a rifle off their back. "Shit."

"Stop right there!" generic Marine number one called as I began to run.

I stopped dead, hitting the ground in a fetal position as the Marine's feet kicked into my side as he went flying over my huddled form.

"What now?" I screamed as I scrambled back up, tears streaming from my eyes as generic Marine number two watched me zig-zag before following me with the barrel of his gun. "What do I do, senpai?"

"Hear that?" onion-boy shrieked like a banshee to the Marine in pursuit. "They're working together!"

"Don't associate me with that idiot!" Zoro yelled as I ran past him for the second time, wondering if I had created a doppler effect with my continuous screaming.

Eyes flashing, I concocted a plan. I charged at the Marine straight on, letting out a fearful war cry. I paused like a rabbit caught in the headlights. What was plan A again? Welp, Plan B: kick him in the balls. Plan B successful. EXP went up by 10 points.

"Yessss!" I celebrated, pumping my fist in the air.

WHACK! Generic Marine number one countered with a rifle to the head. Counter was extremely effective. K.O.

I blinked at my bound hands, eyes following the rope which now attached me to Zoro's holding post so that they were lifted above my head. My head flicked between my hands and Zoro's face, trying to put two pieces of a puzzle together.

"Senpai is dirty," I concluded, blushing like a schoolgirl as I let out a high pitched titter.

"That wasn't me, you idiot!" he shrieked, teeth like razors.

"Well how else do you explain how I got tied up right after I kicked one Marine in the balls and beat up three others with my bare fists?" I demanded, tugging at my hands so that I ended up flapping around like a fish.

"Only in your dreams," Zoro muttered darkly.

"So, notes?"

"Notes?" Zoro parroted, shifting his head to look at the girl.

"What I did good, what I did bad," I prompted as I stopped my flapping by resting my knees back on the ground.

"It was all bad," Zoro declared bluntly, causing me to hang my head in shame, the blue lines of depression running down my face.

I hung like that, pouting for a while before he sighed, his praise barely a murmur.

"Nice kick."

"Ahh," I squealed, eyes shining like a thousand suns. "Thank you senpai!"

I beamed at him for a while, smacking my lips together for what felt like an eternity. Then, I just got plain bored.

"How long have you been here for?" I frowned.

As far as I was aware, Luffy showed up to the Marine base on day nine, so due to my fabulous timing and calculation we must be at day eight? Maybe...

"Five days."

Somewhere on the Ocean Blue, Brook sneezed, feeling as if someone was stealing his exorcism gag.

When a sweet cherub with wings of pure white held up two rice balls in front of my face, the choir began to sing as she was enveloped within a golden light.

"I'm not hungry," Zoro yelled at her, prompting her to turn towards me.

"M-me either," I lied, half-delirious as my stomach betrayed me with a large growl.

"Just eat it, damn woman, so the kid will get lost," Zoro barked.

"My senpai hasn't eaten for nine days, so I won't either," I declared, quite admirably in my opinion.

Of course that was before I started laughing maniacally.

"Mister, I think your friend has lost it," the girl sweat-dropped.

"You're so funny," I snorted, staring glassy eyed at the wall. "You, that floating straw hat, and the candy floss man!"

In that moment I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something important, but I got distracted when hamburgers started flying around my head.

"Needs cheeeesee," I giggled, creating a river of drool with my mouth as my eyes swirled.

"You must be hungry, huh?" the floating straw hat said, having now jumped the wall and wondered out in front of me.

My eyes protruded from their sockets as the hat talked by parting its ribbon from its brim, using it like a mouth.

"Yes talking hat, but I will only eat when my senpai does."

"Well he just had a rice ball, so let's go eat, okay?" the hat asked kindly.

"Okay, but don't tell Luffy," I stage-whispered. "He might think I'm weak."

And with that I'm pretty sure I teleported to a table of food on my magic flying straw hat as I sat upon its brim. I was only a little disappointed when it didn't sing like the carpet from Aladdin.

"I'm so ashamed," I wept from the corner of the kitchen that the little girl had brought me to, now donning a paper bag with eye holes over my head. "I met Monkey D. Luffy and I acted like a complete idiot."

"He thought you were funny, big sister!" a small girl comforted me with a pat on the back.

"His first impression was supposed to be that I'm a badass!" I whined, hitting my forehead against my knees. "And I stole the hat! That's like a crime unless he lets you wear it. Ohmygod the fdm wkll…"

I went supersonic, my words only coherent to species, such as bats. In response, the little girl slapped me in the face.

"Are you just gonna sit here and cry while big brother Luffy goes to save big brother Zoro!"

I blinked. That girl was weirdly strong! Or maybe I was just very weak. I sweat-dropped at the prospect.

"No?" I squinted, thinking I must look pitiful to deserve that.

"That's right!"

Well, now that I had well and thoroughly been owned by a little girl, it's time for a little redemption arc, bitch.

"I don't suppose you have a frying pan to spare do you?"

"You're weird, big sister," the little girl sweat-dropped.

"These are the gags kid, these are the gags."

I arrived to the fight within the compound where Zoro was being held just as soon as the complete airheads known as the Marines decided to use swords to fight a god damn fucking swordmaster. I charged in along with them, lifting my frying pan into the air.

He and his fellow Marines let out a bellow, his attention being drawn by one's obvious enthusiasm. His mysterious comrade lifted her weapon, a large metallic… frying pan? His face dropped, the last thing he saw being a flash of dark metal.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire!" I yelled, looking pleased with the unconscious Marine before some of the others began to take notice and surrounded me. "Whoops."

I met a sword aimed at me with my frying pan and grinned, yelping when someone else slashed me in the back.

"What the hell! What happened to one at a damn time?" I huffed, thinking it was an unspoken rule in literally all the fight scenes in existence.

However, they seemed to think that was stupid, so I got cut some more, got angry, and then swung my frying pan around in a circle, clipping five very hard objects. Then, five Marines fell around me like dominos. Boo-yah, bitches!

"Lieutenant, we can't kill these two!"

"What about me, you limp noodle!" I screamed, my tongue curling like a viper as I jammed a foot into the mouth of a fallen Marine.

"You, we could kill."

"Go shoot yourselves!" I called, sweat dropping when the Marines placed the barrel of the rifles to their heads. "Ahh, my mind control powers are too strong!"

I jumped on a nearby Marine's back, trying to pull the gun's barrel from his head. Then, we all got to stand around and watch Luffy's fight. It. Was. Awesome. I mean his opponent had an axe-arm and he just gomu-gomued him the hell up! I actually let out a frustrated snort when the onion guy walked in to interrupt the show.

"Yah!" I grunted, pointing my frying pan forward to charge on my noble steed.

The Marine felt his eyes bulge as the girl on his back kicked her heels into his side, spurring him on like a jockey.

Turns out my noble steed didn't get the message. Onion-guy and Lucius Malfoy K.O. My contribution? Minimal.

"Nooo!" I cried over their fallen bodies, dropping a fist to punch the ground.

"What's wrong?" Luffy questioned me, one finger shoved up his nose as he dug for gold.

"I wanted to defeat one of them," I moped, looking up to him teary eyed.

In the end, all that earnt me was a laugh, Luffy clutching his stomach as the mass of Marines broke out into cheers, celebrating their new-found freedom from their hated Lieutenant.

I was still rather disgruntled about not getting to knock out anyone of importance, so when the Marines barged into the little girl's house I got a little trigger happy and rushed at their leader with my frying pan lifted into the air.

"What the hell are you doing, woman?" Zoro grumbled, swiping the frying pan from my clutches as I ran past.

"Can't I hit him a little, senpai?" I begged, down on my knees as I clenched my hands together.

"No."

I grumbled in a corner, a dark aura enveloped over me as I tried to summon satan with my mutterings. Damn bastard didn't show up though. Rude. Instead the candyfloss haired kid, Coby, had hit Luffy in the head. I gained a gleam in my eye as Luffy hit him back, while I charged in with a second frying pan to smack the kid over the head before Zoro could pull me and Luffy off the poor boy.

"Did you have to hit him, too?" Zoro asked, giving me the impression I was a mild inconvenience for him as we exited the little girl's house.

"This way it's even better!" I declared gleefully, clapping as I jumped up and down. "When we see him next and he's all buff, I can be like, 'looks like it's time I reminded you how this went the first time, candy-floss!'."

I said that last part like a rodeo cowboy issuing a challenge. All I needed was the damn stick of hay in my mouth to pull it off perfectly.

"Buff?" Zoro scoffed.

I gave him a devilish grin.

"Bet ya a hundred million beli he's buff next time we see him."

"You're on."

It was just a shame I couldn't remember when that was… Had it even happened yet? Meh, I guess I'll find out one day. Cue the mass salute as we head off to sea. 'Cus we're worth it, bitches!

A/N: Sooo I've written a few chapters of this pure SI crack. I thought it was funny so I thought 'meh, One Piece is so long I'll never catch up to the manga, so what the hell - Imma post it'. Well, Imma post the 5 Chapters covering the first 5 Arcs. Maybe more if I ever find the will. Enjoy, bitches!