the days after

that night I dreamed, I could hear the last scream of Carlos over and over again. hearing and feeling the pain and desperation more and more with each cycle. I could see Jacob turning into the bright light over and over again. but nothing I did could save him. I was getting more and more desperate to save him only to once more barely failing from saving him and every time I could hear him say, " do we even need you?". When I woke up I was covered in sweat. I curled myself up and started to silently cry.

I thought to myself, " I'm useless. I couldn't even defend them. I wasn't prepared. I'm useless." this thought repeated in my head over and over while I waited for morning to come.

When it was time I stood up and move downstairs and ate breakfast. My parents tried to talk to me, but I wasn't listening. My doubts were overshadowing their words.

I went to school and sat there lost in thought, I don't know if anyone tried to talk to me, but as useless as I am, I'm better if I drag no-one down. as there weren't any combat classes this day I didn't need to show them my pathetic skill.

As I wanted to leave I was stopped by Mister Zealand. "Hey, Mortimer what is wrong?" somehow his voice was strong enough to overshadow my thoughts. so I answered him in a small quiet voice, " I'm weak and my skills are pathetic." Mister Zealand looked at me like I was trash, the disdain and disappointment I could see in his eyes, showed me just how pathetic I really was. he said something but I could only hear two words, " then improve." after I heard this I didn't listen any further and went home.

at home, I started the program and started my training session. this session went on and on till I couldn't stand anymore, the training kept me from thinking and remembering. When I sat down I sat on the loot bag. I remembered that the drops like meet and for were sold and that only a crystal remained inside. while I stared at the loot bag I thought, " If I had more skills then could I have saved them." opening the bag I took the crystal out and looked at it, it was a violet one. I took it into my hand and used it. this time no choices appeared inside my head just the skill. it was trident mastery. looking at my PAS I saw that it was already at level two. next I went and downloaded the modules for the trident and fetched a broom out of the corner. then I started another session. I don't know how long I did train I just remember that my feet started to bleed and I continued. I only stopped when dad came in and prevented me from continuing and laying me down into my bed. the next day was pretty much the same expect dad didn't leave me to train alone. so I trained in front of him. He tried to talk to me but I didn't respond to him at all after some time he just gave up. He came back half an hour later and passed me a trident, then said, " you wanna train than come."

I followed him without saying anything. When we reached uncles place and went into his garden, I was surprised at first and then not so very much, I new uncle had a pretty big garden.

uncle came out and the two of them talked. I just went back to practice. after a bit of time uncle came over and asked, " Mortimer. " he needed to repeat my name multiple times before I reacted to him. "you want to train with me?" I didn't answer him verbally instead I just ready my weapon and faced uncle. He pulled out two knives and we started a match with real weapons. It was difficult to evade or block his attacks. In the battle, I got more and more wounds until he said, "It's enough for today. So can you tell me what was the most difficult attack to defend against for you? This sentence was the one that sifted my thoughts for the first time today. I told him what attack was difficult to block. He started to give me advice and then asked, " So do you want to tell us what is wrong?" I looked at uncle Kim and told him what happened on Monday. He listened carefully and then said, " Then what do you think about it?". I looked at uncle Kim once more and then said, " If I had been a little bit better or a little bit faster I could have saved them, it is my fault they died."

"NO, It is not your fault, The guy what was his name the one that went in first," he said to me.

"Carlos"

" He died because he didn't wait for his teammate. for the other one, you tried your best and still couldn't save him, it wasn't your fault. You did the best you could."

" But if I had"

"No buts. you did all you could so don't regret it or do you want to disrespect those two. you show them respect by accepting their deaths as part of there decision to dive into the dungeon."

"I don't think I can. Uncle. I. I still feel I could have done more. It was me that froze and needed to be saved. I was saved. Yet I still couldn't save anyone. What good do I? If I go and drag others down when I go diving with them. I am not strong enough to go diving. But I still need to go diving. I want to keep my promise to uncle even. but. but I'm just so weak. I. I. I don't know. I just don't know how I should move forward."

My voice was raised, lowered, shaking and much more in my little outburst.

It was dad that answered, " Do it just like Even did prepare and just take one step after the other, don't rush you have time." After that, I cried for a bit. Afterwards, I thanked uncle and Dad. As dad and I were about to leave uncle stopped us. He went inside and returned with an orange crystal. he handed it to me and said, "Here, so you are better prepared for your next dive. just pay me when you get the money together." I looked at my PAS and saw that I had the money to pay him right now. so I did. He was surprised and asked, " How did you manage to get it together this fast? you only went diving once since then."

I showed him a sad smile and said, " It was Jacob he had the looting skill." After that dad and I left.