Dead to Me, For All It Matters

Nawen and her husband, walking home.

Fahai felt a stab of jealousy and pain. Sinking behind the tree, he watched them silently, his heart in his mouth. Their voices were just barely distinct.

"How nice it is to be walking like this, just the two of us," Nawen said light-heartedly, leaning her head against his shoulder. "It's kind of cosy, actually." She hugged his arm closer.

Yao Guang nudged her teasingly. "Aren't you afraid that we might bump into a ghost, in this deserted place? Or...a demon?"

She giggled. "Don't be silly. What demon would dare to appear so near to the temple?" Nawen gestured carelessly at where the temple stood, dark and silent through the trees.

They were quiet for a while, and she kicked a few pebbles off the road as they trudged down the lonely path. "You know," she said suddenly, "when Fahai abandoned me I thought I would never be happy again. But I met you."

Fahai swallowed. There was a bitter lump in his throat.

Glancing up at him, she smiled and interlaced her fingers with his. "The heavens were good to me, to give me a husband who treats me so well. Passing by that temple made me think of him. I used to think of him every day, and often I would feel like crying. But now I realize, this is the first time I thought of him in a long time. That's good, isn't it?"

She looked up, and the moon flashed against her face, so that Fahai caught a clear sight of her features--the same dreamy half-smile he remembered, the way her hair grew in little wisps framing her face, even the little mole on her temple. The clarity of it was dizzying and he had to close his eyes, feeling the world around him rock.

He caught his breath in pain.

"Whenever the moon looked like this I used to remember that night when I first told him I liked him. We were much younger then. Ah, how long ago that seems now. Silly chit that I was, I used to think he was so handsome. He used to make my heart flutter, the way he was always so engrossed in something, and that frown of his...what a fool I made of myself over him."

Yao Guang cleared his throat. "I say, you're trying to make me jealous, aren't you, talking so much about your old flame?"

She laughed. "Ah, don't be cross! How could you be jealous of a monk? He's dead to me, for all it matters. Just put up with my ramblings, dear. Humour me. I'm in the mood to be nostalgic tonight."

"Well, I'm in the mood for something else tonight…." He bent his head towards her and whispered in her ear. Nawen blushed and hit him playfully. "You naughty boy. I should box your ears."

Fahai's breathing was shallow and unsteady. Every word pierced through him, every small intimate gesture dug into him like a thorn. He tried uselessly to get a hold on himself.

"This road is so long," Yao Guang complained, kicking a fallen branch aside. "Not only am I in a hurry to get back for my own reasons, but it's really unbearably cold to be out in these woods for too long." He glanced at the lake which shimmered peacefully beside them. "I say, the lake's frozen over. Let's take a shortcut across and save our poor feet having to walk all the way around this enormous lake."

Hurriedly he leaned out of sight, his back against the tree, as they made their way slowly down the shallow bank.

Their laughter rang out as Nawen clung onto Yao Guang as he pretended to slip, making her gasp in fright. Fahai stayed motionless, hearing them make their way clumsily over the frozen lake, picturing in his mind how they clung to each other's arms for balance, and how the lantern bobbed about wildly.

So that was what she thought of him now. If she even thought of him at all. A silly girlhood infatuation she could talk of so carelessly and dismissively now, telling Yao Guang about him as if he were any amusing piece of news. Now he did not even qualify as a rival.

So she was happy now, so happy she had not remembered him in her happiness.

He knew he was being unreasonable, he knew he should be happy for her, he knew that as a monk he ought to have long since already given up caring for any of these things. But the pain was all he could feel.

The humiliation and hurt overwhelmed him and he longed to run back to the temple and hide himself there, hide away from their happiness, but he would have died rather than let them know he was there, that he had overheard them. Rather than risk being seen by them he stayed put, the icy branches still clutched in his hand.

A sudden cracking sound split the air, and he heard Nawen scream in fear. "Yao Guang! Be careful!"

A splash, and Yao Guang's voice, sharp with terror. "Help me!"

"Take my hand," Nawen gasped frantically. "I'll pull you up. Hold on tight!"

A deep groaning rumble like thunder. Another splash, Nawen's scream cut off.

Fahai sprang to his feet. Everything had happened so rapidly he only just realized what had happened. The thoughts raced through his mind. It was too deserted here, the closest place to call for help would be the temple, and no matter how fast he ran, by the time he fetched the other monks to help with ropes and whatnot, it would be too late.

Looking about wildly, he snatched up the largest branch in front of him and was about to rush out when a sudden thought paralyzed him.

Why did he have to save them?

Fearfully he looked down at his hands, which were trembling so much they shook the frost off the branch he was holding.

The branch was too short, too weak. Even if he lay flat and managed to get one end to them, there was a high chance that he too would fall in if the ice broke under their weight, and with their struggling.

Why should he risk his life for them, when Nawen had just proved that she no longer cared for him, when she had just lacerated his heart? When she had been the cause of all the torment he had been living in the past few days?

His eyes glazed over. A powerful struggle was taking place within him, the poisonous thoughts and the strong emotions that had just gripped him fighting for mastery.

No one would know, even if he didn't save them. They would probably die anyway even if he tried to intervene, in this cold weather, if they didn't reach shelter in time. Even the two of them didn't know he was there. No one would expect him to save them.