A Pile of Pancakes

"It is impossible to sleep here."

With this thought, Bai Suzhen unwreathed herself in a mass of shining coils, restlessly trying to find a comfortable spot on her favourite rock ledge. Nothing was right today. The sun barely warmed her, the rock was too hard, too smooth, too bumpy. She knew very well that the agitated state she was in was the real reason, but she continued to blame the weather, the place, the birds singing so noisily in the trees.

She had told herself a hundred times, yesterday, that she would not come here anymore, she would not give Xuxian another chance of meeting her. And then this morning she had convinced herself just as surely that she should come here, because he would not come looking for her anyway, why was she so sure he cared for her? Like Qingqing said, men were fickle; he might have forgotten about her already, he might not make that long trek up the mountain just to see her again, or perhaps he would not bother looking for her now that he knew where to find ginseng. Why should she expect so much of him? And Bai Suzhen lifted her chin resolutely; there was a proud line to it.

By the time the sun had risen in the sky her resolution had vanished like the morning dew, and she had convinced herself yet again that she would come, but this time that she would wait for Xuxian to come, to tell him the truth about herself. She had told herself repeatedly that if he didn't care for her he would simply run from her, and all her conflict would be over; if he really could care for her despite knowing what she was, she could be happy without reproach. No matter how painful it seems, it will not kill me to see one more mortal run from me in terror, she echoed to herself, and yet at the same time her very flesh winced at the very thought of Xuxian turning away from her in horror.

Now, she was waiting, feeling horribly oppressed by her snake form as she never had before. She felt acutely conscious of the weight and power in her coils, the massive expanse of white scales glistening in the sun. She tried to imagine what she would look like to Xuxian; shuddered and pushed the thought away from her mind; only to play timidly again with the idea moments later.

At times, it was all she could do not to change back into her human form.

He deserves to know, if he truly cares for me, she repeated feebly to herself. Qingqing's voice echoed in her mind. He need never know. He may not even care for me, after all. Why bother?

She shifted uneasily on the rock. He may not even come, she cried silently to herself, rebelliously. What am I doing, stirring up the agonies of unrequited love for myself?

Abruptly, the great white snake froze. She could sense movement in the valley beneath her through the vibrations in the rock, and her black eyes glinted through the tangled tree roots as she scanned the landscape.

A lone figure made its way into view, a man with a woven basket on his back in a coarse blue tunic.

Xuxian.

A wave of emotions swept over Bai Suzhen. Without thinking, she turned instantly into her human form, a slim white figure against the blue sky standing fearlessly on top of the rock ledge.

Xuxian looked up and stopped short as he saw her. A smile lit up his face, and he waved eagerly at her. "Miss Bai!"

Bai Suzhen stared down at him without replying. She was trembling. Right then, she was considering whether to fly or to change back into her snake form.

"Be careful, Miss Bai, you're so high up. Don't slip." he called, anxiously. He reached into his belt and pulled out a small flat bundle wrapped in cloth. "I made more pancakes for you. With spring onions. One has leeks in it as well. Come and have some!"

Unfolding the handkerchief, he held it out happily for her to see the pile of pancakes folded neatly inside.

Bai Suzhen's lips moved falteringly, but she remained motionless.

Xuxian slowly lowered the handkerchief. A note of anxiety crept into his voice as he gazed up at her. "Miss Bai. Are you all right? If you don't come down, I'm going to climb up. Don't worry. I'm coming."

He hastily set down the basket and the pancakes, and shed the tools from his belt, except for the hunting knife, which he unsheathed.

She watched him with an alarmed expression as he approached the ledge, preparing to climb it in all seriousness. For a moment she wavered, and then gave in. As he made his first advance on the cliff she sprang lightly off the edge and alighted on the ground behind him, catching hold of his tunic.

"Xuxian! Don't climb up. It's dangerous, you might fall again."

He started as he turned and saw her standing behind him. "How--how did you get down so quickly?"

Suzhen gestured absently with her hands. "I know some lightness kungfu. Xuxian--did you really make pancakes for me?"

Looking at her earnest face, somewhat paler than usual, Xuxian forgot his confusion at how she had come down so quickly. "Of course. Are you hungry? Here, sit down and have some. They are all for you."

Without realizing it, Suzhen obeyed him and felt him put a pancake into her hand. "It's still warm," he said with a smile. "Eat it while it's fresh."

Slowly she raised it to her mouth, watching him all the while with a troubled look in her eyes.

What had happened to all her resolution, the hours she had spent thinking about what she ought to do? Looking at his smile, suddenly all that seemed so vague.

Xuxian took a pancake and bit into it, looking encouragingly at her. "Try it."

He drew a breath of relief when she started to eat. "Is it good? As good as the last time?" he asked.

She nodded, and finally smiled back.