Liza: Intoxicated

Liza: 18 years

Location: London

The days and nights that followed, I intoxicated myself with Olivia's warm touches. Her voice that resembled Joan's added fire to the passion we shared, igniting my skin, flesh, bones and soul. She helped me embrace my demons and to let go of morality, to delve into a world of lust, eros and desires.

Every touch, every kiss and every whispers, reminded me of the one I cannot have, my Joan. I found myself getting addicted to the sensations, I wanted to be with her all the time and I could barely breathe when she was around, as she pulled me deeper into her spellbound sensual reality. Olivia at once became my salvation and weakness.

"Hey, Why Joan Why not any other girl?" Olivia whispers in my ears. The very mention of Joan's name made my heart crumble.

I let go of my hands that curled Olivia's hips and stare at the ceiling. Even I've asked that question many a times and never quite got the answer. Then came the epiphany moment.

Joan reminded me of my mom. The day I first met her at the church, the way she gazed at me. It was different. I saw in her eyes, pain and sorrow. I felt like she was screaming for help. A weak and clueless creature.

I wanted to be her salvation. I wanted to rescue her; I saw in her eyes the yearning to be loved and I wanted to be her's and she mine.

To love and to be loved....

"I don't know. Maybe it's because she reminds me of my mom in some way or maybe I just simply love her."

Olivia lean in to kiss my lips. I turn my face away. I saw her smile fade but then she hits me lightly on my cheeks and burst out laughing.

" I just wanted to check whether you really did love her. I can see that you still do. "

" I'm sorry Via."

Olivia holds my hand up, intertwines her fingers with mine and begins to swing them in a wavy motion in a playful manner. "Girl, I was just messing with you. You are my good friend, in fact my only friend, and I love you okay. Bedsides I'm not a scary cat like you, I would confess right away if I ever fell in love with anyone. "

I smile, "You will huh?"

" Of course babe. You know, honest feelings and bad timing, that's what defines your story but hey if it's meant to be. It will happen. Don't worry."

"You really think so?"

"Souls often tend to go back home once they realise they've lost their way. She's your soul flame. She'll come back to you." Olivia says smiling ever so gently.

Will she? I don't know.

Why her? Why only her?

Maybe because she's my fire, my passion, my soul. Maybe because she made me feel emotions that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Joan's the only person that can make me laugh, love, lust, smile, dream, mad, angry and happy at the same time; strong craving that can drive me insane ; a drug that I long for every second. Falling in love with her was unexpected as I never knew I was falling, until I hit the bottom and bled.

What I hated more was myself. The coward that I was, who couldn't even confess my love because I was scared of her answer, of accepting reality and the truth, of loosing my best friend, of the world. I was afraid of everyone. I was afraid of the world and their opinions.

If only I were brave enough...