How I Met Your Mother Part 3

"Damn, son. You're a natural." Jiraiya stated in awe, "Got that honey dick so sweet you dip it in a man's coffee and he says thank you."

"I'll admit that you move with a shocking efficiency in these matters." Hiruzen added as he loaded up his pipe with more green to take the edge off, "It'll make future negotiations far easier so long as you get your priorities straight."

"His priorities are straight as an arrow." Jiraiya defended my life choices.

"The two of you working together is henceforth forbidden. You both feed off the other's worst impulses. You rile each other up."

"We don't rile each other up!" Jiraiya yelled.

"We never get riled up!" I roared at the old man.

"I don't get riled!" Jiraiya bellowed.

"He doesn't!" I shouted pointing at him then pointed at myself, "I don't either!"

"Look at you two right now!" Sarutobi screamed red in the face, "You're riled!"

"Yeah. I see your point." Jiraiya looked down in shame.

"Spot on, old man." I grumbled.

"So how in the hell do you go from convincing her brother you are his father, to deflowering the closest thing to a princess the Land of Wind has?" Sarutobi demanded between puffs.

"Well, you see, Baki bailed on us and he had their hotel information, so I brought them back to my place…"

"Where makeup boy fell in love with your puppets?" Jiraiya nodded his head in remembrance.

"Yes. Were Kankuro fell in love with my puppet collection and factory." I confirmed for the man.

"Teacher gone, one brother subverted, the other distracted. This is a clean fucking op, kid." Jiraiya praised my game.

"It wasn't an op!" Sarutobi erupted.

"Sure it wasn't dude," I winked at the man, "and that was when I cracked out the liquor…"

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"I've never drank before." Temari blushed as I poured us two saucers of genshu.

"The proper way to say that is 'Never have I ever drank before.' at which point I must drink as I am not so deprived." I winked as I drank down my red saucer of undiluted rice wine.

"Deprived, not drinking alcohol is just good sense." Temari countered as we sat on my couch.

"You'd think that, but every shinobi I know who doesn't find good ways to relieve that release all that pressure that builds up inside us goes completely whacky." I said as I poured my next drink, "If you never unwind, even if the life doesn't kill you, the stress will. And then you'll have died a sad death after a life of worry and anguish. Never have I ever regifted a gift."

I raised an eyebrow as Temari deliberate then took up her saucer and tipped in back before flinging her head forward coughing.

"That's foul!" she cried.

"Quite." I chuckled as I refilled her bowl, "Care to elaborate?"

"I'm the Kazekage's daughter." Temari said with a faraway look in her eye, "People have been sending me gifts since I was a baby. I could never use them all, so most would get donated to orphanages."

"That's beautiful." I grinned, "Your turn."

"Never have I ever… smoked marijuana." Temari stated full of confidence.

"Low blow with who my sensei is." I laughed and drank my drink before refilling it again.

"Never have I ever regretted an apology." I announced.

Temari drank again, "I regret it every time I apologize."

"Never have I ever… gone to a strip club." Temari smirked, once again targeting the male influences in my life.

I knocked one back in honor of the night I met and fucked Anko Mitarashi.

"Fun night out with the team celebrating our big mission. C Rank that was lied about, turned A Rank, that fed into two more A Ranks and the capture of the head of an international criminal empire." I elaborated on my past then went for the kill, "Never have I ever kissed a boy."

Temari and I both stayed still and silent as we locked eyes, and I could see the tension building up in her every second, becoming unbearable, and then I said, "How bout it then?"

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"How bout it then?" Hiruzen repeated in surprise.

"How bout it then?" Jiraiya repeated in wonder.

"How bout it then." I confirmed.

"Fucking genius." Jiraiya whispered.

"So she leapt on my lap…

"There'll be none of that!" Hiruzen shouted, "You will not talk about the details of your sexual knowledge of Temari. All we need to know is, did you use protection?"

"Hiruzen. We did this at my house. Of course she was protected. From the first creampie to the last, anyone with bad intensions for her was going to get fucked up long before he ever got to her." I purposefully and tactfully misunderstood the question.

"Kid…" Jiraiya inhaled deeply, "You're a goddamn goldmine."

"I'll get you the deets on the DL for points." I told the man and watched a blood vessel burst in Hiruzen's forehead.

"Alright. That's enough jokes." Hiruzen demanded as he slapped his desk, "There has been more than enough horse play in this office for one day. Tell us what really happened with the Kazekage's children."

"Fine." I sighed, "Gaara really is quite subverted. Though my place as his 'father' is standing in opposition to the voice of his 'mother' in his head: Shukaku the Sand Spirit."

"Well that sounds absolutely fucked." Jiraiya commented, "I always knew the seal 'masters' in Sunagakure were hacks."

"Yeah. The kid is in constant psychic contact with the biju and if he sleeps Shukaku comes out to play. His chakra is thoroughly mixed with the One Tail's, enabling him to remain awake indefinitely, but in moments of exhaustion the boy is prone to passing out and unleashing the beast."

"And Rasa just sent us this time bomb without a word of warning…" Hiruzen stroked his goatee in contemplation, "That is not the action of a man looking to maintain peace."

"Agreed. Suna is currently losing the peacetime game, so I'd put money on them looking to flip the board soon." I nodded in agreement with the man's assessment.

"The Chunin Exams is a decades long tradition dedicated to replacing open warfare with controlled combat situations." Hiruzen posited, "Making it the perfect time to deal a blow to a welcoming and unsuspecting victim."

"So Rasa is looking to have the Jinchuriki pop off for a nap and unleash the biju in the middle of the village, but Shikaku isn't enough to fight us. Not here outside the desert." Jiraiya frowned as he thought about the situation, "Especially not with our sealing capabilities. Even if I was out of the village, sensei is more than enough to put that Tanuki in a pot, or a new host."

"So unless we want to operate with the dangerous assumption that Rasa is an idiot, then we should expect a situation where we are too busy to deal with the beast quickly. An attack of some sort." Hiruzen added to the line of reasoning.

"Probably during the Third Stage tournament when we'd welcome Rasa and his elites into the village with open arms. Slip enough Shinobi in with visiting crowds and they could execute a brutal decapitation strike while we are initially scrambling from the arrival of the biju." Jiraiya stated with his notepad and pen placed down on the Hokage's desk.

"Reasonable." Sarutobi nodded, "But Sunagakure just doesn't have the manpower for this to be anything besides a ghosts and glory attack."

"Maybe Hanzo." Jiraiya shrugged.

"In the middle of a civil war?" Hiruzen shook his head, "More likely Kusa, or the new village Oto looking to settle old scores or make a big name for themselves."

"Why not both?" Jiraiya asked, "It would be best to be suspicious of all possible parties and check them out discreetly between now and the third stage. If it is a waste, so be it. Better than getting caught with our pants down despite suspect action."

"Agreed." the old Sarutobi nodded, "Now onto the other boy. You showed him your puppets. Why?"

"Red herring." I declared, "He saw my collection and production set up and will project his own experiences onto me. He'll assume that I am some kind of puppet prodigy that works day in and day out on my craft. His reports will poison Suna's expectation of me, and even seeing all the equipment the boy will have no possible idea that I am capable of wielding it all at once via Shadow Clones, creating a temporary force of puppeteers larger, better equipped, and more skilled than Suna's Puppet Corps."

"I'd normally tell you to humble that pride," Hiruzen chuckled, "but your last demonstration of your Dog Lord Secret Technique: Unlimited Puppet Works was the most genuinely disturbing display of puppetry I've ever seen."

Think the Shippuden version of Ten Ten's Twin Rising Dragons, but I'm yeeting puppets at a thousand of my clones who will catch them on Chakra Strings and rush into battle as an entire Puppeteer battalion, meaning my clones are fighting using low cost cost techniques in the most evasive and defensive style in the setting while slamming foes with freaky moves that make even Jonin feel like fools from outside the effective range of ninety percent of attacks.

"And Temari?" Hiruzen moved us on to the next topic.

"Well, about that…

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Temari made up for her lack of experience with dark passion, each kiss a little more vengeance against her father and the men of her village for the complete lack of affection throughout her life. They treated her like a thing at best when she wanted to be a woman.

I hadn't pulled off some mythical honey dicking. I'm a fraud. She'd been in anti-seduction training since she was in diapers. She saw through every move I made and deemed my efforts acceptable and my body desirable. She'd come to Konoha with the possibility in mind of finding some cute little boy toy to make her pet during her stay and picked me.

I was a convenient piece of fuckmeat that also fit the bill of massively pissing off her dad, making me damn near perfect for her uses, and as she sank her hot wet slit down my cock I had no complaints.

Temari bucked and fucked on top of me until she hit her peak, then worked her way to another that quickly transitioned into a massive consecutive orgasm that left her moaning like an animal. The entire time she rode me she experimented with dirty talk, and I worked with short clipped lines like, 'You're so hot.' 'You feel so good.' 'Ride that dick.'

Easy lines that keep her in the zone rather than make her stop and think 'What the hell did he just say?'

And yeah. I nutted in her. And I did it again when we got off the couch and hit missionary between the sheets. And when we woke up in the morning and spooned and fucked. And again when we prone boned before breakfast. And once more in cowgirl before lunch and my emergency meeting with my dad and our sensei.

Pulling out and coming on the tits of the Kazekage's daughter is a step too far with the disrespect.

But after Orochimaru kills him…

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"Dude~." Jiraiya complained, "I had such high hopes for you, and then you dropped that on me. I mean, it's still a great story, lots of drama on her end that'll drive the girls crazy, but all that faith I had in you and your skills… gone. You're a damn boy toy."

"I know, dad." I sighed, "I know."