Chapter 1: The Letter

Heirsha Keisht

When we say numb, what's the first thing your brain can think of? Is it the feeling of nothingness? The void of emotion? No, I think not.

It's only people who turned numb because of too much pain they've felt that they decided to be one and choose to set it aside deep in their heart. They only choose the 'easier way', that is to feel nothing rather than to feel dead.

Talk about who? That's what I chose because I am damn afraid, a scare-my cat. Coward, per se. It's the only thing I can do for I'll surely be drowned and wouldn't be able to lift myself if that continues. Being a coward is not bad at all. Maybe sometimes, yes but really, it's my choice. Not a big deal.

"Irsha, honey" I was out of my trance when I heard my grandfather's cold but a sweet voice from my right. I looked at him and smiled, though it's not entirely a smile because I know what kind of smile I used. It's neither fake nor lively. Just a smile, nothing more nothing less.

"Papa, do you need anything? Do you feel pain anywhere?" I deliberately asked him and I sigh when he shook his head. He's the only one that I have in life. If he's about to leave me, how can I be sure that I can endure it? Life has been hell the entire years of my existence. What more could I do once shit happens?

I shook my head mentally with how I am thinking over things that are nonsense. I was able to see my grandfather who heaved a sigh and reached my right hand. He held my hand with so much gentleness and care. It's warm, I wish it could reach my cold heart. But Nah, I am asking too much from my liking.

"Honey, do you remember the story that your Mama always talked about?" I creased my forehead in confusion, trying to think of any. Mama, he said, I'm sure he's about my grandmother, his wife.

"Why Papa? As I remember it correctly, it was the story of your love story? Do you want me to story-tell it right now?" I rolled my eyes when I heard him laugh. Remembering how my Mama always has the time to insert their love story, I unconsciously smiled.

***

"Irsha, honey! Where are you?" I blinked when I heard Mama's voice from afar. Oh no! She's here! I mentally shouted those words as I was aware of her footsteps getting louder and louder each time she took a step.

I carefully covered my mouth to make sure she couldn't hear my breathing. I also tried enough to hide my little body behind the tree. I was in our living room and Papa informed me that Mama was on her way into the mansion we're in. I hurriedly ran across our backyards and went here in the garden.

And now that she's here, I wanna surprise her but how could I do that if I'm hiding behind a tree? Soon enough, before I could answer myself, I was surprised when Mama shouted in front of me.

"Found you!"

"Mama! You scared me!" I pouted my lips as I helped myself to stand and she gently held my hand and dragged me inside the mansion.

"I plan to surprise you but before I can do it, you appeared! Unfair!" still a kid, of course, that's so childish that I cringed all the time I remember all of my acts and behavior.

"Honey, you'll never win as I want you to always be surprised! It's just... You're so cute when shocked!" she said enthusiastically that I pouted more.

"Let's have some snacks, honey. I can't wait to share with you some story!" my innocent eyes got widened when she mentioned the word 'story'.

"But Mama! I can almost memorize that story you'll be going to re-tell again!" I shouted and confusingly, my voice wasn't filled with irritation, rather it was light and kinda had a 'tease' on it. She laughed and settled in one of the sofas in the living room. Papa is not there so I guess, he's inside his office again.

"Honey, there's a reason why you did say 'almost'. You almost memorized it so you did not totally have it memorized! And here I am, I'll tell you the story again so you can memorize it totally!" I playfully rolled my eyes at her and crossed my arms and settled myself beside her.

Soon, after some seconds, she started to tell the story of how she and Papa met. She said they met in a business meeting. Papa is the CEO of the company and she's the new shareholders of it. It was then the time that she fell at first sight to Papa. They stared at each other and God knows what happened after that. They constantly meet even if work was done. Until the time they got to know each other that much and they decided to marry. They had a son, and it is, rather, my Dad.

***

"Honey... I know you haven't yet moved on from the painful past but I want you to know that you have HIM. He's going to guide you every time, anywhere you go. We're going to meet soon. I want you to be ready for that time" I stilled on my seat beside his bed. I know what he's trying to say.

I know, I know too well that it hurts. But am I really hurt? Or I am just making the word 'hurt' so that I can name even just for once what I am trying to hide by choosing to be numb. I tighten my hold in his hands and look away from his gentle gaze.

"Papa, who is it that you'll be meeting soon?" I ask and pretend to know the meaning behind his words.

"Go on. If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay. I'm sleepy, can I rest now?" I bit my lower lip and heaved a deep breath. His words. How could he be saying those words like I am not going to be affected? But for the nth time, I'm numb, am I?

"Okay, Papa. Rest well. I'll be watching you" I said and get up from seating and help him to fix himself to bed. I carefully put the blanket up to his shoulders. I stared at him, closing his eyes with a smile etched on his lips.

I weakly get back myself to sit on the chair I sat on earlier. I closed my eyes and sigh for the nth time. I don't know how many seconds, minutes, or hours I've been staring into nothing.

I stilled when I heard a knock. I absentmindedly look at the door and sigh. I stand up from my seat and walk my way to the door. I was greeted by an old lady who is our mayor doma here in the mansion.

"Nanny, what is it?" I asked her and waited for her to state the situation. She smiled at me and handed me a brown envelope. I even thought that it is a kind of love letter upon seeing what it looks like, but I've read the cursive letters in front of it.

It says, 'For Our Honey'. I closed the door after saying my 'thank you to her and went back to my seat. I was just staring at the letter in my hands. I don't even know why it was shaking. I couldn't bring myself to open it up because I somehow have an idea of what's written inside.

From the word 'honey', I know it's from my deceased grandmother. My Mama. What could be written inside? Is it about me? Her wishes for me? Her last words? What?! I am hella confused and nervous!

Mama, you're really good at surprising me.