The Beginning

It was an almost silent, breezy night inside the office when I did not realize that I'll be in a black hole. Actually, almost all of us.

We are watching the live news on Facebook Live when the President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte announced that there will be an enhanced community quarantine implemented starting March of something (sorry, I cannot remember the exact date) until the fifteenth of April. All airlines in and out of the country are suspended, establishments closed until the said date, and students are being suspended for their classes at their respective schools and universities. All other workers are highly encouraged to work from home as well. Everyone was alerted as well for the day to day reported from the Department of Health about the growing cases of the patients who had the virus called Coronavirus or COVID-19.

At first, I was ecstatic of the idea of working from home since I will not spend too much on gas and food especially that my grandmother mostly buys groceries, without thinking that time that most will be affected by this implementation from the President of this country. I slashed that negative thought about being affected to anyone else's, and though anyhow that there will be free food for me, I said to myself.

Not everyone, especially our supervisors are happy though at the thought of working from home since they have a hunch that some of the employees will be starting to slack off since not everyone can be monitored at their homes, and if they try to, that would be a breach of privacy shit.

But once the announcement is made, I almost have forgotten that our family has a plan to spend a vacation in Palawan with my uncle and his wife who will come from Thailand, and my schedule for leave was already on set.

While I was sitting in front of my monitor, waiting for a chat to come in, I hear my colleague, Mayfair frustrated, and then asking for a refund for the airline ticket and hotel accommodation that she advanced booked before this starts. She was successful in getting a refund for the hotel accommodation, but no avail for the airline ticket. I mean Jesus Christ, who wouldn't be frustrated when you're excited to meet someone, and planned all of this, and will be just all for nothing? I am a bit glad though that I haven't experienced that disappointment since I am not that thrilled to meet my uncle, but my grandmother, Sharon Aloysius.

At that time, I was expecting more flexibility since our set-up will be work from home; that somehow I'll get to spend more time with my family, cooking a meal for them, get to play the PS4, and all the good things.

But boy, I was wrong. This pandemic will affect me as much as everyone else, and all of the things I tried keeping to myself from my family, and to all the ghosts that are guiding me will be let out negatively. They will really know who the fuck is Michael Angelo Pablo, the son of the annulled Meredith Aloysius-Pablo and Atticus Pablo.

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I wasn't that sensitive about what's really going on around me because I know that I have my own battles to fight with. Yes, it was upsetting to see some guys that I know of in the social media always criticizing the government for not doing the job well since that the cases in the Philippines, especially in Manila are growing. Some of those are severe and critical, and we have the first patient to die from the said virus.

I, of course, do not want to know what it must have felt like to die without anyone to look after you, and you'll be just burned to ashes, and delivered to your family in a cheap urn, your ashes in a plastic or some shit (that's what I saw from the news). And I pray and think as well that those patients did not die in vain. Then sometimes, when I hear news like that, I always ask my twenty-year-old self if I am going to die in vain, or would leave at least a good mark on this world?

That would be a sad death for me if I did die in vain, like all the efforts you made just to be relevant will be all for nothing. You do not even know if you would have some true family and friends to attend your funeral.

When I was in my teenage years, I thought that when I get to my 23rd year in this world (I still cannot fucking believe that I got through shit for twenty-three years), that I would be a successful guy, and then have some saving, and steering some wheels to travel somewhere even in just the vicinity of the country.

At this age, I wasn't steering anything but myself. I have always taken the jeeps, and the buses, and sometimes walk my way to work in Taguig City, Metro Manila, and vice versa, even though it's demotivating because I know that I would do the same shit again. It kind of feels like that I am dragging my shoes slowly being grated on the rough pavements of the city. What weighs it more is that my mind is as heavier than the twenty pounds I try to lift to make my biceps bigger, and how does the mind do that when your thoughts are flying with worries, self-doubt, and the things that you wish you could have done.

At this age, I am in deep of my pending loans because of my freaking panic buying in an online shopping site that I am in, and on anything, I am not even using for quite a while. I was expected to have at least money to give for the family, and give to my mom to help the house being refurnished especially that fucking roof that almost costs our fucking lives whenever it starts to rain that hard.

Sometimes, I compare my thoughts to the rain. It was like my cry for help and no one hears it because I don't let them too. So what the fuck, right? Why burden someone with your sorrows when they have their own as well.

At this age, I thought that I have gotten through my depression on some shit. Then the quarantine was announced, and thought to myself, (Well since I'll be at home, this wouldn't be bad at all, right?

But boy, oh boy. I am in for some hullabaloo that I did not expect. And it just got worse.

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This is the reality that has happened since the work from home set up has started for our company, and may I just tell you that I have the slightest idea of why I wanted to write something like this. I cannot even tell if this is a novel because most of its parts will be only based on what's really going on in my mind.

I could not tell if this was a blessing in disguise or what, but I'll be damned when I say that anything is alright.

The plot starts from my mind that has been always a prison more than the house I am living in Taguig City. Even though the pandemic finishes; the quarantine is lifted and everyone could enjoy the heat of the sun without feeling the heat of their breaths from their mouth, I do not even know if I will let the guards open the door for me to get out, and feel that cliche of relief to be free. But no.

That guard is me, anyway. I hold the keys to my freedom to which I left it in the keyhole of the door. Then, it is up for me if I want to be free or be stuck in the dark I always knew for years. Not that I did not want to get out. Of course, I want to breathe the fresh Manila air around without worrying that I might get COVID-19. Of course, I want to have the energy back to go back to the gym and at least feel good about myself again.

Of course, I want to travel again even if it is just one ride away from home to work since it is just within the city. Eat good and expensive food at the restaurant, walk at the park and see dogs that I can touch because of their free joy of walking, their tails wagging for excitement; then also have the free time to look at some shops for new clothes that you can't afford.

But why am I still leaving the keys at the keyhole while I, metaphorically speaking, push myself in the dark and not getting out?

Because I am used to it.

But I do not think that this pandemic just brought me down the deep well that pushes and pushes you. No, as I told you, it had some fair share of good lucks, I guess like for example, I have bought more than 5 PS4 games for us three to play anytime. Bought ourselves a cheap ass, but comfortable pink white gaming chair. A new PC gaming set, and another one for my brother, Riley (but he is better than mine, which is alright because I use the PC just for work at home.

We eat so much good food, even though we thought ourselves as the lower middle class, (I mean that's some family that gets to a mall with a Montero, with some branded clothes on and waltz to the mall and shit.)

"Now you've seen the bright side at least, son." My mother said over the phone one time we talked to each other especially about my rants on how much my work is harder than the last department I was before.

All I did was to agree with what my mom said because she is definitely right about me having a job, and me being fortunate enough than others that aren't, and more losing jobs they thought will be their safe haven for savings for a new future (I am here to talk about the cruise line or aviation jobs, but I'll get to that later).

Ironically, my mom also thought that I am lucky that I have a job in the eCommerce company that I'm in that is farfetched from the degree I finished in a school in Manila which is in the Hospitality Industry.

You know, after a few weeks I graduated with a degree, I knew that I didn't have a future in that industry because I know to myself that I am not capable to handle customer service. Funny enough, the job description I am currently working at is handling customer concerns as well.

"I didn't understand it either, Michael. Why are you there in the first place? Why did you apply for corporate jobs that handle customer service when in fact, you said that you hate people?" My sister, Cookie, once asked me one night.

"It's where the easy money's at. It's where you can apply and many companies will accept you even though you do not have a ton of shit knowledge about the job because you're going to be trained after all." And it's true. To apply for a customer service job in a corporate company or as what the people call it, call center company, are easier than those in the restaurants, bars, cruise lines, and whatsoever.

Last year, my mom had a plan for me to study again in order to have future work in the cruise lines industry. To be a seaman.

"I wanted this for you so that you could travel and your mind could be at ease when you are traveling." My mom said, however that is just not the case. Jobs in a cruise line industry (what mostly is the cliche) is that they earn a lot of money even in just a contractual basis. I mean Jesus Christ. A thousand dollars tax-free salary every month? What if your job is for 6 months? That's too big to handle but will be helpful for all of us, even for my mom.

I knew that even though she says that enrolling myself in the Macapagal Institute of Culinary and Hospitality Academy somewhere in Manila will help me grow as a person, I knew as well that it will help her to pay all the bills.

I understood that. I am willing to help. Long story short, we agreed on the setup but I demanded that I should start in the middle of the year 2020 so that I could earn at least half of my 13th-month pay plus my last payment so that I could have money for myself.

There came a time as well that we fought about me going to that school early on this year than what is planned, but then I fought for it.

"I thought that we agreed for June? Why the sudden change?" I talked to my mom through Messenger.

"So that it would be early for you to finish this year and so that you can apply for cruise line jobs."

It was February at that time when we fought about it. Of course, as I am known to some as hard-headed, I insisted that I want to start by June instead of February. She let me go to that decision. We did not talk for a few days.

I think when the quarantine started, Meredith suddenly realized how lucky I was working in the company I'm in right now.

Ever since the Coronavirus happened, and the quarantine has started last March, everything for anyone just changed drastically as if riding a rollercoaster. Cases here in the Philippines are rising up. All kinds of human being, good or bad, showed up in the social media about the plans of the government, criticizing their ways, rallying through online, doing anything to make ends meet; online selling, online bartering, having two jobs, etcetera. I cannot keep up with this turbulence I'm in.

My anxiety attacks every time I read something about articles or news about the pandemic and what the government does to the people even though I have a right to myself that I let it all be to those motherfuckers who just woke from somewhere I don't even know where they came from.

All of a sudden, the jobs I wanted like being a flight attendant or plans to study to be a seaman were the most affected in this pandemic. I heard that one of my friend, Carlos, who was a seaman and have a wife and a kid is having a hard time through this pandemic since the hospitality industry is the most affected.

I also heard that bitch off my fake friend, Carla, who posts about her travels on Instagram is one of the people who got retrenched from her job in an airline company. I don't even give a shit where she's at right now, but what is, is that if she's alright after what happened to her?

Then there's one of my friends from college, Luke, who messaged me a few weeks ago, and asked me if there is an opening job in our company. He is a manager in a restaurant he used to work for until it closed down for business.

Then going back, I realized that I am indeed lucky. That the choices I made in my life are right even though people tried to make me think that I was wrong with the path I took in. Even my mom realized it.

"It's a good thing that you're in Firefly Online. It's a good thing that you did not start enrolling in the culinary school."

But nevertheless, I cannot tell if I am lucky. Am I lucky even though my mental health is affected? Am I really lucky enough to have a job that is toxic? Am I lucky that I wanted to be back in the darkness I used to go to? My mind at this time of the pandemic is a kaleidoscope, but only in colors black and blue, or has the shades of the colors from Starry Starry Night of Vincent's.

I can not even say that I can turn the keys stuck at the keyhole of the door and to let myself escape from this prison of my mind.

What I said to myself though at this time is that I should never let anything slip anything from my hands. Maybe this path I'm in was right all along. Maybe this pandemic is time for me to reflect on the things I want to do. Even though at this moment, I cannot think of any goal that I could do, or even I could not think if there is something relevant for me in the future after all.

So maybe, I've had myself stuck in the dark first, and reflect again?

What the hell. It's getting worse, anyway