The tale of the first muggleborn

Our story begins with the golden trio sitting in the old headmasters room in their final year of Hogwarts. They'd defeated Voldemort and are attending to finish their education

With the school in poor conditions McGonagall let the 8th years do as they please most of the time. So, on Christmas they sat around drinking in dumbledores old room littered with old gizmos and found his alcoholic sweet stash.

As they were talking about Christmas and the muggle raised dips started explaining the concept of Santa to Ron the sorting hat awoke and began spouting angrily. "You dare bring up that filthy bastard in my presence!?!"

The trio is shocked and Hermione questions "wait you mean Santa Claus is real?!"

The hat scoffs "His name is Nicholas Claus. Not bloody SaNtA" he says in a mocking tone.

"He was the first muggle born to ever grace Hogwarts halls. And what did he do?! He brought pain and enemies." The hat elaborated with a tone none had ever heard from him.

The hat would rant about the first muggleborn who arrived at hogs Meade on a sleigh pulled by a red nosed reindeer. He was in Merlin's generation the hat would explain to draw in the attention of his listeners and what would you know? They all leaned forward.

The hat would recite how the "old red bastard" was in merlin's generation and was considered one of the best students. When questioned about which house, he was in Harry guesses Gryffindor whilst Hermione guessed Slytherin because he used to wear green before coke rebranded him. The hat deadpanned "Hufflepuff" like a mockery of its own sorting ceremony.

He would tell the story of how Nicholas rode up to the castle in his sled pulled by his familiar Rudolf. He would often compete with Merlin in Slytherin and Helena in Ravenclaw not to mention his main enemy. Hermione would joke "who Krampus?" with a tittering giggle.

"Yes actually. Krampus Christopherson Crouch. Nicolas was accused of stealing their family's language spells. He didn't steal them of course. He completely revised them from the ground up and added his own improvements before gifting a copy to his house founder. Krampus despised him for it along with many other reasons, Krampus… he was in love with Helena Ravenclaw. One of Nicolas's friends and confidants, rumour was they were a little more than friends hahahahaha"

The three looked at each other a little unnerved. Hermione asked, "but wasn't he a demon?"

The hat sighed "the way his life devolved after Hogwarts was… dark to say the least."

Ron blurted out "he turned dark?! Guess Junior didn't fall far from the tree."

"Oh, he didn't turn dark Mr Weasely. He turned demonic. No small fault of Claus".

Harry asked, "Santa Claus made him into a demon?!"

"No, it's a long story."

Ron swirled his bottle of brew "we got time."

The hat ruffled itself. "Fine. So Claus entered Hufflepuff and became Helga's favourite. He was innovative and hard working. Loved the house elves too." The kids smiled at that remembering dobby.

"When time came to pick a focus, he stood out from the group. We didn't have the Ollivanders back then, so we fashioned our own magical foci. Some picked wands, some staves, some even grimoires. Him? A damn war hammer. Nicolas came from a Norse background. He knew his way around weapons."

"All the young witches watched him swing his hammer around. Earned him a few grudges. Some off the families' young men tried to rough him up. But Claus took none of it."

"There's a reason the medicine hall and infirmary are so large now." The chuckled to itself.

"Claus topped the exam charts and stayed behind during the summers. Helga was more than happy to shore him up. She taught him how to artifice and the Druid arts. He came up with idea after idea and enraptured her with his innovations. When the students came back, he was sporting a massive black cummerbund. I hated that belt, with the gold in lining and that shiny mithril buckle". The hat huffed.

"She kept teaching, and he kept learning. Then fifth year came, he had beaten Merlin in a duel". The trio had slackened jaws.

"He left on a training journey with the founders blessing. He travelled the world in his sled. When he came back the church declared him enemy number one. Numerous families world-wide sent death threats to the school. The coat that Helga made him was dyed red. He joked that it helped make sure no one saw him bleed."

"His enemies came knocking and the students got some battle experience. The founders loved it, the less violent students not so much." The hat grumbled to itself.

"Then came his graduation. He had more reindeer and the people loved him. Krampus didn't. I didn't."

"Next thing we all heard he had pissed off a god" the hat stated blandly.

"A god?!" The three exclaimed.

"Aye, the god of thunder Thor. Nicolas seduced his wife Sif. She didn't like having a drunk husband prone to infidelity and murder. Nicolas was everything she loved about Thor without any of his negatives."

"She taught him Norse magic. Even the enchantments on Mjolnir which she'd memorised over the eons. So naturally he used them on his own hammer. Eventually Thor tracked him down and they fought. Things got hectic for a while."

The trio were in shock, hectic doesn't sound like an accurate description of the situation!

"Somehow, he won and drove the Aesir god back to Asgard. Continued travelling with a new woman by his side."

"A few decades later he returned bigger and stronger than ever. The headmaster of the time loved his beard, it's been a trend among them ever since." The hat stated before wiggling towards the listening portraits of past headmasters.

"Nicolas thought it smart to visit his old buddy, Merlin. He Strolled right up to Camelot's gates and caused mayhem. Seduced the Queen and pulled her into bed with Sif."

"He seduced Guinevere?!" Hermione cried out.

"No he seduced Artoria pendragon. You know her as King Arthur."

Hermione was in shock, the hat continued "yes, she hid her gender to take the throne. Anyway, Nicolas turned up and one of the kingdoms enemies unleashed gremlins on the capital."

Harry's glasses slid down his face at the name of the little green movie monsters. "Gremlins as in Mogwai?"

"You always were the best at DADA, weren't you potter? Yes those. Nicolas dealt with them within the day. Artoria was very appreciative of his efforts, Merlin however was not. All his plans were going down the drain as Artoria started listening to Nicolas and Sif."

"That little half demon decided to whisper in the ears of the clergymen. They sent ravens and owls back home. An inquisition laid waste to the kingdom when they came to their own wild conclusions. Artoria's cloned child Mordred joined with them in the carnage. By the end Nicolas caused the downfall of Camelot and banished Merlin to the gardens of Avalon. Twas a wild week."

The trio sat there shaken to the core. "Santa banished Merlin?"

"His names not Santa, that's an anagram for his women."

Hermione snapped out of it. "He's polygamous?! That's barbaric!"

"Girl, you try being in a relationship for 1200 years and not want to bring someone else into the bedroom. So, Sif then Artoria after that he went to Russia."

"Wait he just left Britain?" asked Harry confused.

"Yeah, the church didn't take kindly to him destroying their forces. So, he and the two ladies went somewhere cold. When he got to Russia, he set up shop and started his present delivering gig. See he stole a lot from Merlin, including his house elves and notes on fae magic."

Harry dumbly asked, "he did what?"

"He took all Merlin's stuff and set up in Russia. Don't know how he did it, but he rigged up a minor belief system. One day of the year he delivers present for all the cold and starving kids. The essentials like nutritious food and toys that doubled as survival tools. One day a year, the day he picked just happened to be Christian saviours' birthday."

"One day a year he claims more belief energy than most gods would in decades. His Norse goddess of a wife taught him how to harness it. He became a divine entity, not a god but he worked on the same level now. His travels throughout the years that went by led to him gaining many names and far more believers."

"Uhhh" Ron said dumbly not understanding the implications of this.

"So there Nicolas was gaining power and living the dream whilst most of his generation was dying off. At the time a dark lord rose in the cold lands of Siberia. He was called король ночи or the night king." The hat recited darkly.

"A necro/cryomancer appeared in the harsh tundra's of Siberia. It wanted to kill off some earth and forest spirits for torturing him a long time ago, Oh and all of humanity. For five winters he terrorised the people of Russia. The royal family was in contract with the spirits he wanted dead, so they were a prime target."

"The tzar's sister was fleeing through a forest from one of the night kings' generals. She came upon a small cottage in the woods with the chimney bellowing smoke, so ran in looking shelter. She found Nicolas reclining on the sofa sipping some of the local Vodka he'd scrounged up."

"The draugr came a knocking so he greeted them with his hammer. Christmas Cheer he called it, said every child loved to watch him swing it."

"What's a draugr?" questioned Ron

"He defeated all the zombies and got himself on the night kings shit list. Nicolas got acquainted with the princess. Natalia Alianovna. The N in Santa." The hat drawled in a Snape manner.

"Three weeks later the night king fought Nicolas when he returned from his yearly delivery. Their battle lasted well into the night. Nicolas struck him down on the stroke of midnight. This cemented him as grandfather winter in Russia and created what was known as Boxing Day."

"Three centuries had gone by before he showed up on the map again. Merlin escaped his banishment and joined up with the church. He was pissed to say the least about his entrapment. So, he wanted to kill Nicolas and reclaim Artoria to start his Avalon project all over again."

"Merlin's bright idea was to resurrect an enemy of Nicolas, infuse him with magics of the fairies he'd learned in his seclusion and tie him to Nicolas as his antithesis. Like lucifer to God he'd said."

Hermione put the pieces together "he resurrected Krampus Crouch, the magics mutated him into a monster. Didn't they?"

"Too right miss, Krampus began going after the children as a way to draw Nicolas out. It wasn't until Christmas Eve that Nicolas tracked him down. It was the old shrieking shack here in Hogwarts."

Harry stood up "he used there to keep the children?!"

"No lad, he used there to cook the children. To drain them off their magic, to add more to Krampus naughty list. Nicolas came and they fought, the crater they left was filled with water and became a part of the Great Lake. Nicolas was going strong until Merlin arrived."

"He struck Nicolas in the back and Krampus sealed him in a pot of coal and obsidian. Like that Nicolas was defeated."

"So, Santa is dead?" Asked Ron

"His name is not Santa, and no he wasn't. Merlin decided to toss the pot away out of reach so no one could free him. Say his three illustrious wives that miss their husband."

"How did he escape then?" Asked Harry intently.

"Ah for you see Merlin tossed the pot into the fae wilds to be lost to time. Inside the pot however Nicolas still had his gear. He shrunk his hammer and chipped away for weeks. His sack allowing him to summon food."

"So he broke the cauldron?" Asked Hermione enraptured with the tale.

"No enchanted coal and obsidian items were hard to break and with Krampus draining his pseudo divinity. He was using his base body, one that was still ridiculously strong mind you. Alas he couldn't free himself. Help arrived."

"One of his wives?"

"No, Sif forbid Artoria from going encase Merlin set a trap to brainwash her. She herself couldn't go as Merlin told Thor and his new sons where she was planning on going and Natalia couldn't leave due to civil unrest."

"Instead, another beautiful woman stumbled upon him. The fairy Queen Titania was wandering through those woods. She thought the fresh air would take her mind off her husband's idiocy. When she heard a chinking noise, she investigated and found the pot. She recognised Merlin's signature so destroyed the pot freeing Nicolas."

"Why did she not like Merlin?" Asked Ron.

"Merlin and Uther, Artoria's father had caused many problems for the fae. One of them resulting into her arranged marriage with Oberon. She hates the flower wizard with a passion. So she freed Nicolas, he explained his connection to Merlin and the circumstances."

"Something about his phrasing seemed to please Titania. She loved that he ruined Merlin's plans. She became…. Appreciative."

"He seduced the fairy Queen. She became the T in Santa." Harry deduced. Earning a grumbling affirmative from the hat.

"Anyway, Titania decided to run off with Nicolas. Oberon caught wind and tried to kill him resulting in another battle. With Nicolas free he regained his power and beat the prancing prick. The duo left the fae wilds and were greeted by an archbishop of all things."

"An archbishop of the church chose to fight him." Exclaimed Hermione.

"No I'm afraid not. You see when Nicolas was sealed Krampus decided he liked what he was doing. Without Nicolas there to harness the Christmas magic Krampus gained full control. Using his naughty list, he began catching those at its lowest points, the nice children essentially. For three months Krampus kidnapped and killed and consumed child after child."

The trio were horrified "so the church realising their folly in helping make this monster decided to make Merlin stop it. The flowery bastard ran for the hills. So, they decided to free Nicolas, that was before he freed himself."

"The church helped Nicolas track down Krampus. Titania helped kill Krampus and they sealed him in the remains of the coal pot. It was strengthened much more than the shoddy work of Merlin. From then on Nicolas took the naughty list and created the nice list by reverse engineering and improving it. Using the naughty list, he found the worst children who were spoiled rotten. He left them lumps of coal, the same coal that would use the children's naughtiness to reinforce the prison of Krampus and ensuring he never resurrected."

"The coal thing had a purpose?! I thought it was just an excuse to be an arsehole." Exclaimed Harry remembering every time the Dursleys gave him some at Christmas time.

"That's what Nicolas wanted people to think. Helped him do his job." Chuckled the hat.

"The church had to do something for Nicolas. A sign of good faith and that bad blood was bled between them. So they made him a saint. Saint Nick"

"What happened next?" Asked Ron.

"Time past and Nicolas continued spreading Christmas. He got in battles with different mythologies and met many women but none as special as the other four. He ended up moving his base to the North Pole after Merlin tried again. He resealed him in the garden but with much stronger magic this time. He hasn't been seen since."

"What about the last A in Santa. That implies five women." Hermione chimed in.

"Ah their names are Anne Bonny and Mary Read. They were a package deal. They also helped Nicolas adapt to a more modern culture when America began its rise."

The others processed this, and Harry finally asked "why do you hate him so much then? Sounds like Merlin was the arsehole. You don't seem to care about the multiple women part bar a little jealousy, weird considering your a hat."

The hat ruffled itself before barking out "that's enough story time! Best you get off to bed Potter before the headmistress losses her patience. I've got songs to write." The hat bellowed before going inanimate forcing the trio to leave.

That night Harry lay awake in his dorm room. He had much to think about, his past, his future lordships, the fact that Santa Claus is real.

"It's not SANTA!!!!" He heard being bellowed from the window. The sorting hat was shouting away. Harry rushed to the windowsill to see what was happening. He turned and saw no one else awake.

Outside he saw a sleigh with several parked reindeer. He let out a gasp in awe before grabbing his invisibility cloak. He knew the hidden pathways like the back of his hand. He rushed to dumbledores old room but found the hat missing. So, he raised his wand to his ear and used a listening charm. He heard shouting coming from the direction of the great hall. He went down there silently.

He found the door to the great hall ajar; he heard the familiar popping of elf apparition before he slid his way in.

"It's not bloody Santa!" Bellowed the hat sitting at the Hufflepuff table. Harry watched the hat talk to somebody. He was startled when a branch swung down and nearly decked him in the face.

"I know that and you know that but it's been so long now I don't bother correcting them anymore." Said a powerful male voice. Harry saw massive tree trunk arms decked in red sleeves lift the largest Christmas tree he had ever seen.

"Well, you should! What would your wives think?!"

"Hah! The fact that their husband is known for his wives name? Makes them happy don't you think?" Questioned the man as he sat down the tree which began to self-decorate.

Harry then stared as a 6ft9 behemoth of a man appeared from behind the tree. He had a large red coat that clung to his figure, abyss black leather boots and a shiny metal buckle Appearing from his waist showing a huge black belt. His face had a neatly trimmed white beard and his eyes sparkled like Dumbledores. His teeth pearly white as he grinned at the hat.

"I hate you!" Barked the hat

"No you don't" chortled the man the Harry was beginning to suspect was-

"Nicholas Claus! I have despised that name for centuries. You go gallivanting off into the world whilst I'm trapped in the Scottish Highlands. You get gorgeous women whilst I get teenagers! I have every right to hate you."

Santa sat on the chair across from the hat, he reached forward and pulled a cookie to his mouth and took a bite.

"Mmmn~. No you don't, we both know you love children as much as I do. Staying here, watching them grow up safe and sound from the problems that plagued us is more than enough for you."

The hat huffed "yeah…. I guess it is."

Santa then pointed his cookie at the hat "and don't think I don't know about you peering through ley lines. Your eyes see much further than the highlands."

"Bah! How else are we supposed to find magical children. Merlin ballsed the system when he messed with Albion."

"Hoh hoh hoh always so modest klarion?"

"Klarion?" Harry questioned without thinking before he shut his mouth. The chummy atmosphere sucked him in and he lets his guard down.

Santa gestured with his hand making the cloak shoot into his grasp. "Hmm the Peverell cloak. Been a while since I'd seen this. Well? come close boy. Not the first time I've been caught by a child before."

Harry squawked "I'm not a child!" Before he investigated Santa's face. He had a gaze that resembled Dumbledores when he first arrived in the castle. Like he was appreciating the youth in front of him.

"Young man, everyone is a child to me. Now would you like a cookie. This recipe is 1200 years old." Santa said offering him a house elf made cookie. Same as the ones he's had every Christmas here.

He took a bite and stared at Santa and downed a glass of milk. "You really eat all the cookies?"

"Hells bells Harry, of course I don't. I sample the home-made ones, if they're good I take them home for the misses. If they're bad I set them down, if they're store bought I give them to the elves. They love the manufactured stuff."

"Still …. That many cookies"

"Christmas magic and a hardcore workout routine."

"Aye picking up his wives and putting them back down" chortled the hat making Santa throw some crumbs at him.

"How do you get to every house? Do you have time magic? Like a time, turner?"

"Hah! Absolutely not. Playing with the space time continuum like that year after year would invite a disaster of universal proportions. Nah I use my lists to find who needs what then use the Christmas elves to pop the presents in. I go out personally to the ones who need it."

"Like who?" Harry asked

"Doctor patient confidentiality, my lists tell me who on the good needs some encouragement and those in the bad who need a stern talking too".

"Who's Klarion?" asked Harry bringing the conversation back to what got him caught.

"Don't you say it!" Bellowed the hat.

Santa sighed "did he tell you the stories?"

Harry nodded making Santa sigh "every few decades he does that. The last one was Minerva. I think that's how he picks the next headmaster. Anyway, Klarion is the name of the hat. Klarion Crouch was his name, we went through school together. He was my best mate, but his brother Krampus hated me. I set him up with Morgana le fay before I started travelling. During school I gave him the nickname Klarion the witch boy, it caught on because he was far more feminine than his brother".

"I hate you!!!!" "No, you don't. His wife teased him endlessly. When he passed away, I was the one to carry him into their family crypt."

Harry nodded along but became worried about how Klarion became a hat.

"Sigh~ one day Merlin resurrected Krampus to defeat me. Petty vengeance for a lot of things. But before he resurrected Krampus, he brought back Klarion. He picked the wrong body. Klarion when he was brought back tried to kill Merlin, so the flower bastard ripped his soul out and shoved it into Godric Gryffindors hat. He left the hat there atop Morgana's resting body."

Harry was horrified "if you heard the story, you'd know that I dealt with Krampus. I returned to the scene of the crime and found him weeping on his wife's body. Merlin had immortalised the hat, so it'd never die until Godric's legacy did. And that wasn't going away any time soon." Santa said in a morose tone.

"So I took my friend to the place we first met and talked with the current headmaster. Putting him on a ley line would let him do a lot of stuff. Like talk to his wife on the solstice with a seance. Or watch over the children beginning their magical journey. He got a bit weird over the years and started singing songs". "Screw you" "but that's the story of Klarion the witch boy who became a hat."

Harry was silent before he said "well that sucks"

"Yeah tell me about it" grumbled the hat.

"Wait was that you are picking us to be teachers earlier today?!"

"Aye what off it?"

"So who gets to be headmaster."

"Seriously?"

"Sirius was my god father, did you tell him too?"

Santa just laughed, Harry sat there till early morning joking with Santa and the hat. Wasn't one of the weirdest things he's done. Halfway through Luna popped in to say hi before rushing back to bed with a present from Santa. He told Harry it was best to reward true believers.

So, as the sun rose and the children awakened Harry went outside to feed the reindeer whilst Santa dumped presents under the tree. The hat was chatting with Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.

Santa came back and patted Harry on the back "it's time for me to go now Harry. I hope you have a wonderful new year."

"It was nice to meet you too Nicolas."

Santa turned and reached for Klarion. He lifted him gently over to Harry. "You look after him now. Wouldn't know what he would get up to."

"I'll do my best Nicolas!" Said Klarion.

"I was talking to Harry. He told me you jumped down to face Silera the basilisk with him. You obviously have gotten out of control since I last saw you."

"Feck off!" the hat screeched.

"Hohoho!" Santa bellowed as jumped on his sleigh and clapped the reigns making the bells chime.

As if on cue the Hogwarts doors open and the students and professors rushed out to see the sleigh take off. The muggleborn students were in shock as they saw who it was, Hermione and Ron looked to each other before glaring at Harry for not fetching them. Minerva smiled in remembrance as she watched the sleigh rise into the air. Harry held Klarion to his chest as he watched The Santa Claus sail off into the stars.

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" He bellowed as the sleigh took off into the sky.

"Merry Christmas to you all and to you all a goodnight!"