A Hint of Reality

I do not get it.

Let's recap.

Those fierce eyes that captured me when I saw him first in the cafeteria, Felix's comment about him being a manipulative bastard who dices with people's emotions, and people avoiding him everywhere he goes are all coverage for a broken man?!

I mean there is a very high possibility that that's the actual case.

But something feels off.

I need to know Felix's side of the story. Why would he assume such thing and be all aggressive about it if it was just rumored? Something's must've happened to him personally. Or am I just jumping to conclusions?

Dad's days of intense work ended and now he comes back home normally. Mom didn't go out late ever since last time. From my perspective, it might be because of dad's hanging around. I really wanna know where she went that night.

"I'm leaving," I announce before stepping out the door but dad interrupts.

"Hey, Faye? Can you take Kyle and Mirai with you today? Your mom and I need to talk."

Okay… that's foreboding.

I call them and leave.

Kyle steps ahead of u and twirls playfully, "they're getting a divorce."

"What?!" Mirai and I gasp.

"I heard them arguing when you were away. Dad was venting about how he's trying his best to keep the family intact and not to be selfish, but mom isn't helping. But then mom claimed that she is, but he's just asking for too much. Then fast forward to the part where they started talking about mom going out late." He explains.

for a kid like him, he's very observant. Comprehending all that at a young age? Must be a talent.

"When was all of that?" Mirai asks.

"I woke up in the middle of the night and heard all that. They probably didn't cool it down because they thought I was 'just a kid'" he looks at me. I can see him broken but holding back his tears. "Faye, if they happen to divorce, please try to let us stay at dad's. I don't want to stay with mom."

Here's the problem.

Mom will have custody over Mirai and Kyle if they didn't speak up. Knowing them, they won't speak up their minds if mom was around.

"Faye?" Kyle calls.

"I'll try my best." I smile.

I zoned out multiple times in classes with my head empty of possible thoughts. All I can see is darkness when imagining my parents separating.

I need to cry. Right now… I need to cry right now.

I feel nauseous…

Laura. I wanna see her and talk about this.

But I can't find her at all. I keep searching around school but she's nowhere to be found.

Well, old habits never die easily.

I head to the gym's storage room and take out my razor.

One for my mom's selfishness. Two for my dad's struggles. Three for the expectations my siblings have for me. Four for my instability and guarded self that is stopping me from enjoying my life. Actually, this going for five, six, seven, and eight. Nine for feeling useless in life. Ten for school being hard enough. Eleven for feeling like my feelings are always invalid.

The rest's in my head. I cry the pain out, but it feels much better than letting my head haunts me alive.

After what felt like an hour, bawling my eyes, I take out my handkerchief and clean the flowy blood dripping off my inner arm. I wrap my arm with the cloth bandage and wear the jacket again.

I need to find the bathroom as quickly as possible.

"Faye?" a familiar sound rings across the basketball court.

I turn around to see Felix running towards me. Shit,

"Wait! Wait here! I need to wash my eyes. Something got in them." I scream, fleeing the scene. I can't let him see me in such a miserable state.

When I cool down, I stare at myself in the mirror, contemplating whether I look normal for inflated.

Ugh! God damn your ugly face.

I wash my face continuously wishing Laura was here to use her make-up and cover up the redness in my face. I try controlling my breath until I calm down.

"You sure you don't need any help?" Felix yells.

"No, I'm all good."

I'm taking too long.

God, why out of everyone was it him here? Honestly, I wouldn't be comfortable any other way either. At least I can lie my way out with him.

I take a last look at myself and act out the lines I am about to say.

Felix rushes to me as I come out of the restroom, "hey are you okay?"

I try to look down, so he won't see my face clearly, but he keeps tilting and squirming around to have a better view. "Hey, hey," he softly holds my face, gently tilts it up so he can see me.

I push his hand, "It's nothing, seriously. I told you something got in my eyes. It made me tear up."

"Are you sure? You don't seem like it."

I nod.

"Faye,"

"What?! Stop acting dramatic. Why are you here anyway?"

He holds out the play's papers in response.

Oh shit. Today's the play.

"Oh, show me what you got, then."

As he acts out his lines, my attention drifts to outside the court. Ash's passing by looking mischievous which is sending me shivers. All that my mind is wrapped by right now is that other night when he told me about his mom. I can't figure out whether it's a lie to shake me or the truth. If it's a lie, I must admit, it's brutal.

I can't get my guard down anyway. I look into it when I have the energy and play along.

"Was it better for the last time? I practiced on my expressions but it's hard acting it out if no one's in front of me playing along with the scene." Felix drags me out of the train I was taking to being obvious that I am zoning out.

I look at his script, asking him to do it one more time while I act out the other character who… I pull the papers closer to my face reading the script and cringing at the reason why she's being emotional.

Break up.

I can't believe people are that naïve to base a whole story on an emotional conflict that's also based on none other than romance and love.

What character was I in this play anyway?

"Holy shit, are you crying?" Felix panics.

"The script idiot. I was into the character."

"Oh, oh. Alright. From the top," he acts out his lines so much better than every time.

Understandable. He can see the person and act upon how's the person's actions.

I hand him the papers, praising him, and excuse myself. Before he has the chance to stop me, I interrupt by mentioning I need to practice my parts again.

The play was fine.

I enjoyed the momentarily switch of character that altered my actual existence. I was someone else. I had a life that wasn't mine. Although that didn't last for long, it relieved me. But I wanted it to last longer. I wanted to be someone else for as long as possible. I wanted to forget my life and jump into another, starting a new one from scratch.

As we were done, teachers and upper-class students kept praising us. Well, they did praise me the most which was indifferent to me, but I think everyone was pissed from that. I can't help my acting is flawless.

Felix mentions that he'll be joining the rest as I was dressing back to my ordinary clothes. Everything is starting to get hazy and blurry, but I try concentrating so I won't trip. I guess it has to do with the blood I lost today while I was cutting and the excessive amount of work.

As I am getting out of the theatre room, I'm focused on nothing but my steps. And shit, it's not helping. I'll fall soon, and this is not good.

"Oh, you're into acting too?"

I look up to see Ash leaning on the entrance of the room.

"Yeah, how's your mom now?" I crack a weak smile.

"She's good… are you okay?"

"What do you mean? of course, I am. I am just tired of all the arrangements and set up," I point at the stage. "Yeah."

"Are you coming to the park today? I want to show you something."

Huh? Okay...

Well, that escalated very quickly. Did he grow fond of me now that he got 'vulnerable' in front of me? Tsk. I don't like where this is going. I don't have any energy to place someone new in my circle and interact with him.

"Yes, I think. I'm not sure though, so I can't promise." I sigh, looking like I am disappointed that I might not be able to show up.

He nods, taking a turn to leave, "Well, don't push yourself too hard. Anytime would be fine."

I smile, waiting for him to disappear.

"Was that," and from the end of the hallway, I see Felix walking to me confused, "Ash?"

Oh no. I can't deal with this- oh oh, no, no, no, no, no, everything is blurring, and I can't concentrate longer. I'm breaking into cold sweats and my breathing is shortening quickly.

"Faye! What was he,"

Shut up.

"Doing here,"

Shut up…

"with you right now? Didn't I tell.."

All I am hearing now is mumbling. I can't make up the words he's saying. I feel dizzy. The world around me is spinning.

I'm going to fall, I'm going to fall, I'm going to fall.

I lose my balance and Felix jolts to catch me.

"F-F-Faye…"

I laugh. I'm resting on his arms and laughing.

"Shit, that's embarrassing," I mutter trying to pull myself together.

He glares at me anxiously, "What the hell is wrong? Faye, tell me what's wrong right now."

"I'm just tired of the-"

"Don't fucking lie to me. I've seen you before the play and you weren't okay."

Please don't snap at me now. I already can't bear the loud noises around me.

I can't even form words to reply to him.

"Faye?!"

"Shut up…" I mutter weakly.

God, I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Just as I was about to walk away from him, he carries me to the nurse's office. And from there I can't remember anything. All do remember is me waking up, sweating heavily, and disgusted with myself.

I remove the curtain so I can leave only to find Felix sitting, crossing his arms and restless.

"What are you doing here?" I laugh.

He sighs in response. "Stop it, really. You can't even trust us as your friends with what's burdening you?"

"Come on, it's just a burnout from all the exams and stress-"

He clicks his tongue annoyed, "Stop lying, goddamn it! If you wanna ace a test, you do it without any effort and you know this! Why all the excuses to cover up what's bothering you?! Why can't you trust us?! Scratch that. Does Laura know about that?" he waits for me to reply but I remain silent. He scoffs, "Come on. Wasn't she the closest to you- and don't lie and hit me with anything other than that. You know, I am not that dumb. I notice shit too."

I really wanna die.

I didn't know I was this obvious to anyone. I'm always keen on covering up, covering up, covering up, expecting no one would be able to see right through that.

Tsk, what's even concerning me more is whether or not he told the rest. I would actually want to die.

He sighs. He's looking furious while he's standing up and gathering our stuff.

"Where-" I ask but he interrupts.

"Are you planning on staying here? Do you want to rest more?"

I shake my head.

"Well, you need to get cleaned up."

Huh-

Please don't tell me I smell. I genuinely wanna die.

He cringes, "Don't worry you're not reeking. You said before you hate feeling sweaty, didn't you?"

What the hell, Felix? Why do you remember that? Such trivial information to remember.

I stand up regardless as he leads the way to the shower room.

"Don't worry, I didn't tell anyone. I figured you won't like that too," he mutters while we walk.

Oh…

"Thank you…"

"But you should consider talking to some. I don't care who. If something's bothering you, you have your friends you can count on," He cuts his sentence off sighing furiously, "you don't have to trust us all. At least talk to Laura."

Why is he this mad?

I didn't hurt him personally. Why is he taking it upon himself?

I turn the shower's faucet to let the water warm until I take off my clothes, only to find my cuts are still bleeding.

This can't be good.

It's been over 4 hours and it didn't heal. This is concerning. What am I supposed to do? This never happened before.

Hopefully, the shower will solve everything. After I am done, I grab a new bandage wrap and cover my cuts hoping they won't open or bleed.

I get out to see Felix waiting for me. "Oh, you're out. Do you feel better now?"

Why is he still here…

"Are you planning on keeping your hair like that? You'll catch a cold. You want to faint again?" he clicks this tongue rushing to the boy's locker room and coming back with a towel. He throws it on my head and gently dries my hair. "Take care of your health, goddamn it."

I still don't get why is he so concerned about me that he's this furious. Does he have a crush on me?

Pfft, as if. I saw it in Jaden, but he moved on and it seems he and Anne are a thing now. But Felix?? I don't think so. He is the type of guy who only seeks enjoyment in life and not anything that can restrict it. I am referring to relationships or generally a love life.

Then what is it? Why is he like this? We're not even that close. Cause we're friends? Are friends supposed to genuinely care about each other?

Well, I mean, they all do care about each other. When I look off, they're keen to know what's wrong to try to help me out. I am the one who blocks them out of my personal life. I'm always guarded. I'm hating on them all when they're all genuine. I never actually considered them a part of my life. Laura might be different but other than that, I hated them all.

I never imagined the fact that they might actually love me.

Am I weird? Am I the odd one? Yes, most probably.

"About Ash," I mutter.

"We can talk about him later when you're feeling better." He's so concentrated on drying my hair.

"He wants to show me something. He told me to meet him in the park."

I'm unable to look at him. And he's making it worse by not saying anything.

Ugh! Speak, damn it. I didn't tell you to shut up. Why is he silent? His hand movement didn't change either. Not even flinched. Was he expecting that?

I hate when my mind takes the lead and works on its own. It's his fault though. He is not talking.

Instead, he smiles at me after he's done with my hair and sings, "Done,"

I click my tongue, annoyed, and roll my eyes in response.

Then he tells me to talk to someone. I shouldn't have said a word. I know for a fact that he is disappointed but is covering up with this annoying pure smile of his. Dumb blondie.

I turn around to face the mirror so I can fix my hair.

"Are you going?"

"Well, I was waiting for this question," I say, not taking off my eyes from my reflection.

"It's not like you'd listen to me if I told you otherwise."

I shake my head, and he sighs, "Just don't put too much trust in him. That's the least you can do."