22| silent ( pt. 1)

Melinoe

" I know you here me when I cry," - Ariana Grande, Ghostin

***

Have you ever lost somebody and you felt like some part of your body has been taken away and you need that body part in order to do things and be able to survive? You just want things to go back to how they were.

Well that's exactly how I felt. My entire body felt numb as I dropped down my knees on the grass. And entire weight felt like it had jjukust been dumped on my body and I didn't know if I could any more.

Maybe this was my karma. Who knows? But just like you children aren't supposed to be blamed for their parents mistakes but also, parents shouldn't have to do. But they do.

Without any hesitation.

I now knew the feeling of losing someone you love. It's a torturous and painful slow burn. It ends up hurting much more if you dwell on it but it'll hurt you more if you never pay attention to it.

And that was the shitty thing about you last. You can never truly erase it, a part will always creep in sooner or later.

I inhaled sharply and swallowed preparing to speak. "I always question myself, 'why?' " I shook my head. "Why did you leave me so quickly. I was going to see you before I began a new life...I wanted you to see you little girl, walking down the aisle..."

I was hopeful that my words had struck a nerve on a specific person but I didn't have the energy to focus on that. Apart of me knew that my mom always wanted me to be happy and she believed that when I was with Aaron, I wasn't happy. She didn't believe he was the one for me, the person who I should spend the rest of my life with, but I knew she wouldn't purposefully do it.

"I was so ready to tell you something important. Something you would've been thrilled about," I whispered, referring to the little infant that was inside of me. "But you left me so soon. But you'll always be right here, right here, in my heart. I'll always remember you, I'll always care and I'll always love you. Until we met again. I love you," a hot liquid was rolling down my cheeks and this was the first time I actually shed a tear. I got up slowly from the glass and dropped the red rose.

By the time I had done that... I felt a little lighter but a bit uneasy. My head started spinning once again and I had to blink a number of times. "Hey you okay?" I Heard a familiar voice. "Nichola is that you?"

"Yeah sweetie it is. Are you alright? You don't look so we-"

"I need to tell you something," I said and I was finally out of my dizzy spell. "But not here." I whispered.

Silence.

The agonizing silence was what I was dealing with right now. Every stare made me feel like the world's most pitied girl. And trust me, it wasn't a good feeling.

"Your memory will always stay with us Alicia, May your soul rest in peace," I heard the pastor as he made a cross into the air. The bible pressed against his chest.

She was gone. She left me, she left her husband. She left him a widow. She left the man who loved her, the man who looked like he was on the verge of dying at this moment. She left me, a person who might've needed her. But I guess her time came, typically, tragically, unexpected. I know she didn't need to leave me, at least not that soon.

People began giving my dad and I their condolences, and prepared to leave.

I glanced at my father who watched intensely as my mothers casket was lowered. He looked so broken.

That's the most vulnerable state I've ever witnessed him in.

"Come on," I said and grabbing Nichola's hand and dragging her out but not before coming into contact with a familiar piercing pair of eyes. I wanted to run into his arms and just cry but I chose not to.

I broke the eye contact almost as if I'd burn if I looked for a second longer. I then came face to face with another pair of blue eyes that engulfed me in a hug as my head rested on his shoulder. I part of me felt hurt because I knew how nostalgic it would be for the both of them.

I mean they lost their mother and this was like reliving their past. I still felt kind of hurt that Aaron never told me of such a story. We were getting married soon and at this stage I should've known... everything at least? I think I deserved it. "You okay?"

I almost winced at the tight hold Nichola had on my hand now and I knew she was getting ticked off. "I'm... coping."  I answered with a small shrug. "Do you need me to stay with you?"

"Later," I sighed. "Right now I need to talk to Nichola about something else."

"Alright," he nodded. "Call me if you need me okay? I'll answer it right away. I'll be right here, I love you." I bit my lip and nodded as he connected his forehead with mine. He planted a kiss on mine. I expected not to feel anything but my body still had the same reactions to it.

We pulled away and I saw a tear escaping his eyes and I caught it quickly. "Hey it's okay, it's okay." And that's when I confirmed that this did feel like deja vu. "I'm sorry I just-"

"It's okay, it's okay." He nodded and looked up so those tears could slip back in. He looked back down at me and planted another kiss.

"I'll see you later."

Once we were apart, Nichola spoke. "Damn, those tears seemed freaking real,"

"Of course they were Nichola," I looked down. "It brings back a lot of memories..." I trailed off.

"Oh no don't begin." She shook her head. "Nichola I've only seen you cry twice, you need to let everything out. You'll end up getting hurt if not."

That was Nichola. And I knew my mother was like a mother to her. She was always closer to both her parents but then she became an orphan. I knew the passing of my mother hit her hard but she just had a hard time expressing her emotions. But anger was the one emotion she could express, very easily.

"She's not here with us right now but she will always have a special place inside my heart. She was the one who welcomed me in anyways... ugh, this is so sappy! Can you just tell me what you wanted to tell me?"

"Fine." I took a deep breathe before exhaling. "Don't freak it... But I'm pregnant."

"... you thought I didn't know?"