Re:Live

Empty.

That's what I could describe it as. 

What else is there to say about being weightless in void but that? It was as pitch black as the metaphorical tunnel that was my life. Or perhaps, that was just how I saw it.

I gave up so easily. I threw away my life—quite literally. And I realized that. 

But it was too late now.

So I'm left drifting in this dark void. A place I can't even comprehend. As if I didn't belong here. I always thought something like this could be the case—but to actually know that the dead are left here—lamenting their lives and mistakes for all eternity; alone in a void.

It was sad.

But then again, this being a dream wouldn't be too far-fetched either. But… I know that's a lie. I doubt I'd even be alive after that. This is reality. And with that heavy burden on my heart, I felt lost.

Unlike my dreams, where I'm left wandering off in a fantasy that can never be real—an ideal of a life I wish to have—This was none of that. This was the choice I made. The reality I have now sunk into. Left wandering lost in a maze of my own puzzlement. Unknown to what I should even do with the life I once had. Because even if it's late, I realized I was engulfed by my despair, that it was a mistake.

I could have at least tried to get through it. I could even get help somehow. But it felt so hopeless that I just lost it. Maybe… if I were alive, I could find a glimmer of hope in it?

In the end, maybe that unstable reality was better off than being discarded? I moved around my arms as I stared off into pitch blackness—watching my unsteady palm shake as it reached out into the nothingness before me, grasping at thin air in the hopes of grabbing onto something. Anything to pull me out of this void as my head turned in a swivel.

It was that spark of those final desires. A desperation to live it on. To undo that mistake and see where life moves, the realization that I threw it all away. But now, there truly was nothing. All around me was nothing. I am alone.

Like some twisted night with no star in sight. Where even the constellations fled. It was something that etched itself into my heart. But I didn't want to make that same mistake. I am not going to give up. Not this time, not ever again.

Even if it was hopeless… Even if doubt rushed in me—as if it was telling me it wasn't a mistake at all—I wasn't going to let myself fall into despair again, no matter how much I faltered.

And so, I kept on flailing and looking around in this soundless darkness, devoid of life but my own all while stifling the urge to cry.

I regret everything… I regret killing myself. I regret not being able to apologize to the friends, to repair the relationships I've lost, I regret not being able to be alive… I regret not even trying.

At least maybe, I could have done something once I got through the hell that awaited me? Maybe I could have done things differently?

But I just couldn't stand it. I didn't want to live through another hell.

It was hell, after hell, after hell.

My mind even went through that hell that started it all… but maybe calling it hell was invalidating? Maybe it was just an excuse?

Maybe all I was doing was just validating the reason for killing myself. I am left in a spiral of my own reflection and constant doubts. Questions that led to more. And answers that only yielded more questions, or no answers at all.

I just didn't know how to feel.

What was right? That's what I wanted to know.

And with that, my eyes flickered close. Stupidly at that. Closing my eyes didn't really make a difference to the darkness that shrouded me. But it was the only way to immerse myself in that void. The deafening silence around me… even yielded me a path to a fantasy in my head that shielded me from this reality.

A pathetic attempt at a way to hide and run from it all. I know it was. But that was all I knew what to do. How I knew to cope. In the end, I was doomed to hide and make excuses again.

"Well… at least I won't have to worry about anything waking me up… aha…"

I awkwardly mumbled with an equally awkward laughter, imagining some sort of laugh track to go along with it as I found myself growing more lonely. It was strange. It wasn't any different than sleeping. But knowing it was empty made me feel so anxious.

Though, with time; I was able to shrug it off as I sunk into my own void. A slumber. One not of good dreams or lovely fantasies. But something else entirely. Something I didn't fully understand.

Static.

Like the static found on an old TV. The loud and scratchy buzz digging into my ears as the constant moving splatters of black and white dots filled my vision. I sat there, in front of it with my legs crossed, in the middle of a small, padded room. Hours went by in my solitude.

I mean… I should have gotten used to it?

I stood alone.

So why?

It only continued to worsen, the sound starting to ring in my ears, like that of a harsh distorted yell. Or the sound of a raging rainstorm that seemingly had no end.

It was so loud, I couldn't even hear anything, not even my own heart. No…

I could still hear one thing. Only one. And it was the sounds of forked tongued whispers within each supposed crackling of static. It ranged from the repetition of the word "useless" to full sentences only filled with hatred.

Each overwhelming amount of whispering got louder than the next… till eventually, it got to me. It overshadowed the static, forcing it into being white noise.

A background to hatred of those words—like an old recording replaying in my head.

"You're so useless"

"God, you're the sibling of who now? The one and only Mizu? You're not even half as good"

"You're soooo worthless, even dying won't help anyone. Actually, it would help me stop having to think I exist in a world with you"

"Who'd even like you? I bet your friends are only there because you make them look good"

"The only good thing about you is you're obedient, but even then, you're so incompetent I'd fucking buy Winrar over you."

"Maybe just being a sex toy for people is better for you? Then again, I doubt anyone would even need you for that, so maybe even that's too far"

"Did you see it's that guy that got the good grades for once?"

"UGH! Not him. I swear, he'd shoot down the school at some point"

In fact, it was like my memories were playing back to me.

Was it a curse…? Was it true…?

It perplexed me. I had no idea how to feel. Maybe that's why. It hurt being in another empty void; even when I went ahead and ended myself so I could escape it. To escape that dark room of mine scattered with bags of trash… ones I rarely got to see as more often than now, it's me staring at a fucking screen for days, sleeping in that office when when I grew tired.

It was like my own existence was ignored unless I was needed. Was it too little? Was my best simply not good enough?

Even then… a part of me still didn't want pity or care.

Because I know, deep down, I didn't deserve it, I am not a good person after all—I have harmed others, I hurt them. I am a mess. A hunk of a trainwreck—A mistake, and nothing can convince me otherwise.

But yet, I didn't want to hear it again. I tried to escape. Tried to escape, wishing I could live in a fantasy where I could live a life of sunshines and rainbows.

But soon enough, shadowy hands gripped onto my ankles and arms, forcing me to continue staring into the growing depths of statics, the sound smothering me in it, suffocating me—all as I screamed as it pulled me down into the darkness beneath me—engulfing every bit of me… till soon, my eyes opened wide. And yet again, I awakened within that black void, further proving to me that this wasn't a dream… not that I needed it.

"I could do as much as I wanted here!"

I told myself, as if it was like some sort of way to stop tears from running down my face. To stop myself from being any more pathetic than I already am.

And yet, I floated across the abyss aimlessly. Minutes went by. Hours. Even days—I couldn't tell. As if time didn't exist besides it just feeling long. In fact, I felt full of energy. Like some child on a sugar rush.

But the weirdness only grew when a sudden bright, white light shimmered across my eyes, causing me to stare face to face at it—at the end of the unnatural bright, mesmerizing white light right below me—as if I was flying down a bottomless pit as my eyes started to feel as if it were burning; the strands of gray hair flowing around me turning white as the sound of serene, gentle wind chimes rang in my ears.

"What in the world-"

I muttered to myself in perplexion as the darkness slowly shifted into a bright white, as if the abyss was shining.

In a way, it was like those desires to find a light through that tunnel had finally opened before me. It resounded in my ears, like a song of hope, one I held to as the black void turned into an empty space of pure white…

Or well…

It would have been empty.

But I saw something else. Something filled that space. Several Infinitely spiraling pillars of prismatic and metallic darkness melded into the pure white background.

Like a mesmerizing optical effect that left me at awe and confusion, with geometric shapes filling the space as my mind grew further confused.

All before the glints of metallic sparks filled most of my peripheral vision—with the feeling of falling quickly replacing that feeling of weightlessness, those glints and specks of metallic sparks rushing all over me—till soon… I felt a ground beneath me.

Wait… ground?

It was a coarse and somewhat bumpy surface, with that feeling of crunching or somewhat wet humid grass. I was… surprised. Shocked even.

Especially as I stared straight up at the sight of a blue sky; the bright sunlight seeping through the cracks of leaves, dimly flaring into my eyes, quickly forcing me to turn to the side and close my eyes to recover.

Wowie. I never thought I'd be fucked over by sunlight ever again, but man did it feel good to nearly go blind.

It filled me with actual relief.

But when I turned to the side to recover from the pain of sunlight, that partly blurry vision started off into the midst of countless trees and a looming darkness, which soon slowly corrected itself and well… it was still the same. Just more focused.

Trees lined with growing green moss, the air blanketed itself in this earthy smell, that of the moss and wet tree trunks, as the same for the petrichor. The smell of rain.

Well, it was to be expected, this was a forest after all. And the ground itself was damp, but still dry enough not to soil my clothing… mostly.

I quickly padded off any dust on that dull, dark blue hoodie of mine as I stared into the depths of the forest. My initial thought of all this was, well, lined with despair. After all, I had barely any knowledge on how to survive in the wild—

Well, besides some fuzzy memories on those weird zombie survival videos or those primitive building videos and the likes. Which I am preeeetty sure half of which are fake.

Quickly however, it led to a reminder from myself… that I shouldn't give up. Not again. And with steeled resolve, I had to at least see if I had anything of use with me. I was sure I had at least something… and sure enough, a wallet.

It was filled with around 2,000 Yen in cash, a mostly empty credit card on the brink of suffering the onslaught of debt and several other miscellaneous items, whether it was an ID, more cards, a game token or just a random image of my parents and friends.

It wasn't much, but it was all I had. At the very least, if it ever got dark, I had my old smartphone equipped with the power of a flashlight. Though it was running low on battery… which was inconvenient. But no matter how bad it got, I just sighed it off and tried to do something to make light of it. And so, I joked to myself, saying

"At least those loans won't hurt"

Which honestly gave me some form of hope and comfort. It was at least something.

Although, did this leave me wondering…

Where the hell am I?

It looks like I was dropped here like that Battle Royale movie. But I don't remember anywhere like this in Japan… Maybe an Island nearby? That wouldn't make any sense either way though…? Aren't I dead?

And was my voice always that light? It was a huge tonal shift from how my voice usually sounded… now it was less broody, but maybe that's just because I wasn't being all gloomy and cracking jokes?

But something still felt wrong. I wasn't entirely sure, but I just knew something about myself was wrong. Or weird. I mean, the white hair I could clearly see was something… but why did it even change?

I put a hand on my chin as I just continued to ponder my thoughts; lost in it… only for me to suddenly hear the sounds of a growl like some nightmarish distortion of a screeching wheel on a pavement from a motorcycle.

My body instantly turned pale in fear as I quickly scurried into the forest, walking aimlessly like a chicken with its head torn off.

"Yeah, no. Hell no."

I thought to myself in horror; doing my best to avoid brushing against the bushes lining the forest. I was not about to attract whatever in the world that was… and I had to admit, I realized I was stupid for just standing in the open like that. In a forest of all things.

I could only hope whatever that thing was, is searching for something else—rather than looking at me like I'm a tasty wagyu steak. Alas, here I was, wandering across the forest like an idiot… I had no idea what to do. Or where I should go. The only things I knew could be best described as insignificant, small or just superficial. I mean, I knew moss grew on the north-side of things… right?

But where the hell does north bring me? I don't even know where I am! Or if this is even Japan. It was like I was constantly shitting my own pants, in both fear and well… perplexion.

But of course, I was wrong. Dead wrong.

That thing. Whatever it was. Was now hunting me. I could feel it. The sense of danger plastered on me. This primal feeling I was being hunted. I knew if I turned, it would be game over.

My knees were visibly shaking as if they'd buckle under my own weight, and my hands suffered the same.

I kept on hurrying—rushing my pace. A mistake that honestly just screwed me further, but in that position… I just panicked.

And so, it began. I felt the rustling of bushes and leaves begin to intensify, getting closer as I just booked it, running as fast as I could before turning my head to see behind me…

And what I saw?

It was something so fast I couldn't even notice it very well—but despite being blurry, I knew its flesh was pale white; with a hint of purple—

And it's claw was coming straight for my face, leading me to instinctively duck; the claw going straight for a tree near me as I could vividly hear the sound of a chunk of it breaking off effortlessly, the crunch sending shivers of fear down my spine as one of my hands digged into the soil and helped me push off my legs to keep on running.

I ran and ran, faster than I ever could, with my heart pounding rapidly in tandem as my ears picked up the sound of whatever this thing was leaping from tree to tree—like some kind of giant jumping spider.

My head couldn't even process or even think of what the hell it could have been, all I could've thought was my survival. And those thoughts led to my instincts; leading me to weave around trees, which I knew saved me from some lethal blows as those attacks led to the dirt imploding besides me or the sound of cracking tree trunks, which all melded with that disturbing sound of what I could only describe as annoyance in it's already terrifying growl.

Eventually, with time; I felt one of its attacks finally digging into my flesh, ripping it apart and creating a deep gash on one side of my hip. I could feel the surge of unbearable pain from it, bleeding badly as I continued to run with desperation to survive.

And after a solid 5 minutes of constant running, I brace myself past trees and into the light, only to find myself at a cliff edge… high up in the air, staring off into nothing but blue skies.

I panicked, rushing over to the edge of this massive cliff and staring down beneath me to find a heavy current of a river rushing by and several sharp or jagged rocks beneath. My heart trembled, and so did my body.

Where do I go? What should I do? An inner conflict on what to do traveled through my skull as the sound of that growl soon came up behind me. It was close. I was trapped… but I couldn't let it stop me as in that moment—

I pushed my luck.

I am going to live…

I am going to live!!

So I took a leap of faith… jumping off yet another protrusion from a high surface.

But this time… it was different. It was not to end my own life, but to live.