25. Letting Go

Maya arrives for lunch ten minutes early and picks a seat in the corner of the restaurant. She has chosen a small French bistro, away from the hustle and bustle of the busy streets, hoping that it will be quiet and give them the privacy she wants.

It has been raining non-stop all morning and it beats against the windows. She had picked a window seat so that she could keep an eye out for her mother’s arrival, but the rain obscures her view so she is left waiting nervously. She distracts herself with place setting in front of her, straightening her cutlery and twisting her water glass until the restaurant’s logo faces her.

She wishes she had taken up Carina’s offer to come with her, so that her girlfriend was there to keep her calm, except she knows this is a conversation that she needs to have with her mother alone.

Their brief talk on the phone a few days ago had been stilted. Maya has never had a close relationship with her mom; she was always her father’s daughter, spending all those hours with him at the track. Until her mom’s visit to the station a couple of weeks ago, they have never talked about her dad and how he treated them. Even when Mason was in the hospital after his two overdoses, they didn’t talk about why. Maya wouldn’t acknowledge her father’s part in it back then.

She takes a deep breath as she checks her watch, watching the time tick by slowly. Katherine Bishop arrives a couple of minutes before one o’clock, always prompt, and is shown to their table.

“Hello sweetheart,” Katherine greets her.

“Hey Mom,” Maya says. She half stands, but her mom moves to hug her and Maya isn’t ready for that so she sits back down again.

Katherine notices but doesn’t say anything, although her face is shadowed with disappointment. She shrugs off her jacket and passes it to the nearby waiter, thanking him, and sits down opposite her daughter.

“You’ve cut your hair,” Katherine observes.

Maya runs her hand through her short locks until her fingers stroke the back of her neck. She is still getting used to that feeling.

“Yeah, I… fancied a change,” Maya says vaguely. That is a story she isn’t sure she’s ready to share with her mom just yet.

Katherine smiles. “Well, it suits you.” She looks around the restaurant, taking in the dark wood beams, the rows of wine bottles, and the paintings of various landmarks that France is well known for. “You know, I always wanted to go to France,” she comments. “Maybe I will now.”

It is an innocent comment, but they both know what it means.

Now that she has left her husband and is no longer under his tight control.

An awkward silence falls between them for a moment, and Maya gets the feeling it won’t be the only time that happens today.

“The menu looks nice,” Katherine says, changing the subject.

“Yeah, they do good food,” Maya says. “Carina and I have come here a few times.”

Katherine keeps her curiosity about Carina to herself for now; she simply smiles, noticing the way her daughter’s eyes light up at the mention of the other woman.

The waiter comes back and fills their tumblers with water. “Would you like to know the specials?”

“Sure,” Maya says, grateful for the distraction from the small talk they are making.

The waiter reels off the daily specials but Maya is only half listening. She is too busy thinking about the conversation they are yet to have. The conversation about him.

Lost in her own mind for a moment, Maya suddenly realises that the waiter is looking expectantly at her.

“Oh, uh, I’ll have the sea bass please,” she says.

Katherine orders the chicken and a bottle of wine for them to share. Maya watches as she sits back in her chair as the waiter pulls the cork from the bottle and pours them each a glass. She is more at ease than Maya has ever seen her. Her hair is still the same, limp and dark blonde, but her skin looks brighter. Her cheeks are coloured with a hint of blush and her eyelashes are dark from the mascara she wears, making her look younger than her fifty-five years. She wears a deep red blouse, a far cry from the bland clothes that Maya is used to seeing her in.

“You’ve been shopping,” Maya comments, nodding towards her new top.

“A friend of mine took me shopping and insisted on making me buy something that I wouldn’t normally wear,” Katherine says. She pulls a face. “I’m worried it makes me look like I’m trying too hard.”

That makes Maya smile. “It suits you,” she says. “You look… good.”

“I feel good,” Katherine says. She takes a deep breath and leans forward, clenching her left hand. It is then that Maya notices that she is no longer wearing her wedding rings.

“Maya, sweetie…”

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Maya interrupts her, desperate to get the words out. 

Katherine looks at her quizzically.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you that day at the station, when you came to see me. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you or believe you,” Maya says. “I… you were right, what you said about Dad was right.”

Her hands shake and she clasps them together, before hiding them under the table.

“He was abusive, he abused us – all of us.” Maya shakes her head. “I knew it, deep down, but I didn’t want it to be true. Because…” She pauses, still finding it hard to talk about despite all the progress she has made since the last time they saw each other. “Because acknowledging it means I also have to acknowledge who I am.”

Katherine frowns. “What you do you mean?”

“I mean, all the traits he instilled in me. All the things I am, all the things I became because of him. The drill sergeant who pushes too hard, who is relentless, who sets her sights on the finish line and doesn’t care about who she barges past to get there first.”

“Eyes forward at all times,” Katherine says. It is a phrase she has heard so many times and it makes her shudder.

Maya nods, thinking about everything she has been through over the last few weeks.

“I almost lost my friends, my girlfriend, because of it.” Her face falls. “I lost Mason, we all did. And I lost you, in a way. Because I was such a daddy’s girl that you and I never got to really have that typical mother daughter relationship.”

“And I regret that,” Katherine says. “I lost so much time with you kids because I let your father dictate everything. Every after-school activity, every weekend trip, every holiday. It was always his way or no way.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry.  I wish I’d done more to protect you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Her question is blunt and Maya knows it is unfair; she works on the front line, she has seen dozens of domestic abuse cases, she knows that it is not as simple as just walking out of the door. Yet, the question has been playing on her mind and she needs to hear it for herself from her mother.

Katherine shifts uncomfortably in her seat as Maya looks at her expectantly, waiting for her answer. On the other side of the room, someone drops a glass and it smashes as soon as it hits the hard floor. Maya sees her mother jump and close her eyes, breathing slowly as if calming herself.

“Mom?”

Katherine opens her eyes and smiles. “I’m fine, honey.” She picks up her wine glass and takes a large gulp.

A waiter comes over to them. “I’m sorry about the commotion,” he says. “May I get you anything while you wait for your lunch?”

“No, thanks, we’re good,” Maya says, shooting the waiter a polite smile.

As he leaves, Maya turns back to her mom. “I remember it, too,” she says quietly. “The broken plates, the smashed glasses.”

Katherine looks across the table at her, the question still hanging in the air between them. “I was scared,” Katherine says. “I had nothing and no-one, except you kids. Everyone I knew was your dad’s friend too, and if I’d told them what was going on, he would’ve convinced them that it wasn’t true. Your father controlled everything, he controlled me. The world outside our home felt so far away. I had no money, no-where to go. So I told myself that, no matter how hard it was with your dad, it would be even harder without him.” She wears a sad smile. “You know, I was never really a confident person. My grandfather used to say I was ‘plain’ and that I’d be lucky to find a decent man to look after me. And then I met your dad and he was so kind, so charming, so handsome. He made me feel like a million dollars. I remember being so happy to take him home and prove to my grandfather that he was wrong.”

Maya never met her great grandfather, he had died several years before she was born. Her heart aches for her mom, being belittled by her own family from such an early age. No wonder she was won over by her father’s charms.

“I can’t pinpoint when things changed,” Katherine continues. “Maybe he was always controlling and I didn’t notice it. But at some point I realised that the only thing I had in my life was him. Even having you and Mason was tied to being with your dad, and I was terrified that if I tried to leave him, I would lose my kids. The idea of that happening was worse than anything your father could have done to me.”

Katherine takes another sip of wine. “I have a lot of regrets, Maya, and I will always be sorry for letting him hurt you like he did.” There are tears in her eyes and she blinks them away. “I just hope that one you will be able to forgive me.”

Maya stares at her as she takes in her words. She has always thought of her mom as a weak person, but she realises how strong she has been all these years, putting up with the mood swings and snide comments and violent outbursts – all because she was afraid that doing something about it would mean she lost her kids.

“Of course I forgive you,” Maya says, her own eyes filling with tears. “He hurt you too.”

She reaches her hand out across the table and Katherine takes it, squeezing it hard. Maya feels her anger and grief fall away, and peace wash over her. She still has a lot to get her head around, to reconcile who she was with who she might be from now on, now that she is no longer bound by her past. But she feels relief at letting go of all the frustrations she has been feeling towards her mom.

Before they have chance to continue their conversation, the waiter delivers their food for the table. Maya pulls her hand back as the waiter places their plates in front of them.

“I hope you enjoy your meal,” he says politely.

They both thank him and turn to their food.

“This smells delicious,” Katherine says, inhaling deeply. She picks up her knife and fork, about to tuck in.

Maya, meanwhile, isn’t quite ready to move on from their conversation. “Can I ask you something?”

Katherine places her cutlery back on the table to give her daughter her full attention.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

“What changed?” Maya asks. “Why leave him now? I mean, me and Mason have been gone for years.”

“I joined an art class,” Katherine says. “It’s the only thing your dad let me do by myself, except for the grocery shop.”

Maya’s eyebrows arch in surprise. “I didn’t know you were into art,” she comments.

Katherine smiles. “Where do you think Mason gets it from?”

There is so much about her mom that she doesn’t know, Maya realises. She stays quiet, letting her continue with her story.

“I made a small group of friends, women my age. They’re a lovely group. One of them, Jilly, guessed what was going on. She’s been through it herself and knew all the signs – the way your dad would sometimes turn up unexpectedly, like he was checking up on me; or if I didn’t turn up for class suddenly or when I always turned down the offer of a coffee afterwards. She pulled me aside one day and told me that she knew what was happening and that if I ever wanted help, I should just ask.”

Maya owes Jilly a thank you, she thinks to herself.

“We talked and I started to confide in her a little. She never pushed me to do anything I wasn’t ready for, but she made me feel like I wasn’t alone. When classes ended, I told your dad that there was a summer programme and that’s when I started going to therapy. It’s saved me. It’s made me stronger.”

Maya can see the change in her mother and she feels in awe of it. Maya has been changing too, and maybe she is a little like her mom after all.  

“My therapist put me in touch with a charity that helps women like me,” Katherine continues. “They found me a job and somewhere to live, helped me with a deposit. Four weeks ago, your dad went out to play golf with his friends, so I packed a bag and I left.”

“You didn’t tell him you were leaving?”

Katherine shakes her head. “I knew what he would do if I tried to talk to him.”

Maya knows too. She can see the vein in his forehead that would pulsate when he was in one of his rages, a physical feature that she has inherited from him.

“I left him a note. I haven’t told him where I’m living, or any of our friends. I won’t tell you either,” Katherine says.

Maya can’t hide her surprise, causing Katherine to smile kindly.

“I don’t want him coming to you and putting you under any kind of pressure to fix this,” Katherine says.

‘It’s too late for that,’ Maya thinks, her hand instinctively going to the back of her head. She nods. “But you’ll tell me if you need anything,” she says out loud. “Money, food.”

“Maya, sweetheart, I’m doing fine. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet,” Katherine says. “I need to do this by myself.”

“I’m glad you got out,” Maya says. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

“Now honey, I don’t want to hear another apology from you,” Katherine scolds. “I’m good. You’re good.”

“And Mason?”

Katherine’s face falls. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him for a few years.”

“Me neither,” Maya says. “Not since he was arrested.”

She had told her mom about their run in a couple of years ago, knowing how much she worries about her son. Although they had not talked about it, neither of them had told her father. They both knew that Lane Bishop wouldn’t care anyway.

“He’s okay,” Katherine says, as if she is trying to convince herself as much as Maya. “I have to believe that he’s okay.” Because the alternative was too devastating to think about. She smiles. “Come, let’s eat before this delicious food goes cold.”

They fall into conversation as Maya tells her more about her job and recent promotion to captain. They talk a little bit about losing Captain Herrera and how Andy is doing since her father’s death. Maya tells her about some of their more interesting calls, keeping the details light, knowing that her mom will freak out if she knows how dangerous their work can be sometimes.

“You’re always so busy,” Katherine comments. “I hope you’re not working too hard.”

“I make time to relax,” Maya says. “Carina and I even went away to Palm Springs for a few days last month.”

The words slip from her mouth before she realises what she is saying. Maya blushes and looks up at her mom, who is smiling knowingly at her. She had picked up on Maya’s reference to her ‘girlfriend’ earlier.

“I had a feeling she was more than just a friend,” Katherine says.

It is not news to Katherine Bishop that her daughter is gay. Maya was sixteen years old when she had walked in on her making out with a girl from her running club – Hima, her name was. It hadn’t lasted long, from what Katherine could gather, and since then Maya had kept her dating life to herself. There was the boy who took her to prom, Blake, but he was the son of one of Lane’s friends and Maya only said yes to keep her dad happy.

“Does Dad know?” Maya asks cautiously.

“About Carina? No, honey, I don’t think so.”

“I mean about me,” Maya clarifies. It is not something she has ever spoken of until now.

“I never told him,” Katherine says. “If he does, he’s never said anything to me about it.”

Maya falls quiet. There is a part of her that feels sad that she keeps such a big part of her life hidden, but there is a bigger part of her that feels like her dad doesn’t deserve to know this side of her. He will never meet Carina, he will never know how happy she is, and Maya doesn’t ever want him to judge her for that.

Not wanting to dwell on it, she changes the subject.

“So, tell me about your job,” Maya says.

“I work in a small doctors’ office,” Katherine says. “Admin work, answering the phones, updating patient records, that kind of thing. It’s not very exciting, but it’s a private practice so they pay quite well. Enough to pay my bills and have a little left over at the end of the month.”

It is hard for Maya to imagine her mom in such a professional setting, but even over their short lunch, she is starting to see another side to her – a side that she is proud to know.

The rest of the meal passes peacefully as they keep the conversation light. Maya pays the bill, despite Katherine’s protestations, and they walk outside together. The rain has finally stopped and the sun is just starting to peek out from behind the white clouds. Maya enjoys the warmth on her face as she turns towards her mother.

“I don’t know when we’ll do this again,” Maya says. “Between the pandemic and my job, I might not be able to see you for a while. But maybe we can talk on the phone sometimes?”

Katherine smiles. “I’d like that.”

Maya makes the first move and opens her arms, inviting her mom into a hug. Katherine accepts the gesture willingly. Maya can’t remember the last time she hugged her mom and it feels odd, but it is a welcome change from the lukewarm relationship they have had until now.  

After they say goodbye, Maya sits in her car for a while, not knowing what to do with everything she is feeling. Carina is at work and Andy is picking Sullivan up from the hospital. She could call Vic or Travis or… no, not Jack – she is pretty sure Carina would not take that well… but she hasn’t talked to them about any of what has been going on. Besides, there is only one person she really wants to talk to.

She pulls out her phone and scrolls to Carina’s number, her thumb lingering over the call button. She changes her mind and instead starts the car engine, taking the direct route to the hospital. She parks up and makes her way straight to the OB ward on the fourth floor where she finds Carina stood by the admit desk, talking to a resident.

As if sensing her presence, Carina looks over her shoulder as Maya walks up to her.

“Maya!” she greets her happily.

“Hey,” Maya says warmly. “Got time for a break?”

Carina can tell immediately that there is something on her mind and nods. “Of course.”

“There’s a break in the rain, maybe we can head to the coffee cart outside?”

“Si, sounds like a good idea.” Carina turns back to the other doctor. “I’ll be half an hour, make sure Mrs Jenkins has her epidural.”

Confident that she is leaving her patient in good hands, Carina nods towards the corridor leading to the elevators. Maya is quiet and Carina doesn’t ask any questions, learning to give Maya space until she is ready to talk.

“You know, my mom has a job at a doctor’s office,” Maya says as they step out of the elevator on to the first floor.

“She does?”

Maya nods. “She has her own apartment. She’s been taking art classes. I’ve never seen her so happy and relaxed.”

“That’s good,” Carina says. “It sounds like lunch went well?”

“Yeah, it did,” Maya says.

Carina can tell that she is still caught in her own world.

“Did you get the answers to your questions?”

“I did.” Maya stops suddenly. “I can’t believe that he’s held such power over us for so long.”

Carina takes a step towards her, slipping her hand around Maya’s. “But he doesn’t any more,” Carina reminds her. “Remember that. You’re free of him forever, if that’s what you want. Your mama too.”

Maya nods, a wide smile appearing on her face. “Yeah, we’re free.” The realisation is overwhelming and tears prick her eyes.

Carina leans in and places a soft kiss on her check. “Come, I’ll buy you a coffee,” she says, tugging at her hand.

Maya falls into step beside her. As they head out of the door, they bump into Doctor Bailey wheeling a large suitcase.

“Bailey, moving in?” Maya says.

“Moving out,” Bailey says with a grim look on her face. “Of home, I mean.”

Maya and Carina wear identical frowns at her unexpected announcement.

“Why, what happened?” Carina asks, immediately concerned for her boss.

“Covid,” Bailey says, with a heavy sigh. “You know we’ve had our first cases here? One yesterday, two this morning.”

It is news to Maya, but Carina nods, her body tensing at the mention of the virus.

“They say Governor Inslee is going to announce a stay-at-home order any day now,” Bailey says. “Ben and I talked about it, and we decided it was better if we quarantine apart, what with us both being on the front line and my heart condition. We need to minimise the risk to ourselves and each other.”

“Are you sure?” Maya says. “That sounds awfully lonely.”

Bailey shrugs. It is clear from the sombre look on her face that she is not happy with the decision, despite her part in making it. “It’s for the best,” she says despondently.

“Where will you go?” Carina asks.

“An AirBnb round the corner,” Bailey says. “Ben’s sister’s gonna move in to help with the boys.”

Maya makes a mental note to check in with Ben when she sees him on their next shift, knowing how cut up he is going to be about this. He and Bailey have a marriage they all aspire to at the station, and she knows what a big decision this is for them.

“Well, I’d better get to it,” Bailey says.

Maya and Carina part as Bailey strides forwards, passing through them and towards the elevators.

“That’s rough,” Maya comments as they watch her walk away from them.

“Hmm,” is all Carina says.

They make their way outside. The coffee cart queue is short and Carina grabs them each a coffee, while Maya secures them a spot on a nearby bench.

“Thanks,” she says as Carina passes a hot cup of coffee. Her eyes follow Carina as she sits down beside her. “What are we gonna do?”

Carina looks at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“If Inslee announces a lockdown… when Inslee announces a lockdown, what are we gonna do?”

Carina doesn’t answer, so Maya takes the leap.

“We could quarantine together?”

“Maya…”

“I know, I know it’s quick,” Maya interjects. “But I hate the thought of not seeing you for weeks, maybe months. And with my shifts at work and your shifts at the hospital, it’s not like we’d be living in each other’s pockets.”

Carina purses her lips. “You heard Bailey, it’s a big risk with us both being front line workers,” she says. “We’ll both be exposed every day, and I hate the thought of bringing it home to you. I don’t want to harm you.”

Her voice cracks a little and Maya guesses quickly where her concern is coming from.

“Your uncle?”

Carina’s head dips. “His lungs are weak. We’ll be lucky if he makes it through the night.”

“Oh Carina, I’m sorry,” Maya says, shuffling closer and sliding her arm around Carina’s waist.

“They won’t even let my Zia in to say goodbye,” Carina says, a single tear running down her cheek. She rubs it away with the back of her hand. “I won’t do anything that puts you at risk like that.”

“We can take precautions,” Maya tries to persuade her, but Carina isn’t having any of it.

“No, Maya, we can’t.”

Her tone is resolute, and Maya realises that she won’t change her mind, so she relents.

“Okay,” Maya says, unable to hide her disappointment. “We’ll make it work, okay?”

Carina shoots her a sad smile. “I hate the thought of not seeing you too.”

Their heads move together as they lean in for a kiss. Carina’s lips are soft and warm, and Maya can taste her coffee. It feels bittersweet, knowing that they will soon be kept apart.

“Can I see you for dinner tonight?” Maya asks when they pull back.

“I’d like that,” Carina says with a smile.

She leans into Maya’s body and rests her head on her shoulder. Maya closes her eyes and buries her face into Carina’s hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo. Just when she thought that life was getting back on track, everything feels uncertain again. She takes a deep breath, reminding herself that they have been through so much lately and have come out stronger than ever. Neither of them will let this pandemic set them back again.