20. Acceptance

Maya is wide awake when her alarm starts to ring at six a.m. She must have barely had two hours sleep, her body too wired and her head too full of thoughts to relax enough to let exhaustion win. She rolls over and grabs her phone, hitting the red button and letting it drop onto the blankets without bothering to check for messages. She doesn’t jump out of bed like she normally does, but lies there staring at the ceiling – as if she hasn’t been doing that all night, replaying yesterday’s events over and over again in her head.

Her fight with Carina.

Her fight with Andy.

Her fight with Jack.

The sex with Jack. The betrayal. The look on Carina’s face when she told her.

She wishes she had stayed at the apartment instead of going for a run, but Carina kept pushing and Maya couldn’t listen to it any more. She wishes she had never stepped foot inside the station. She wishes Jack had left her office when she asked him to get out. She wishes… there is so much that Maya wishes but she knows it is a pointless feat.

She didn’t mean for it to happen. She didn’t go looking for it, she didn’t want it. She had felt herself unravelling and Jack just wouldn’t shut up and she had to make him stop, she had to take back control of the situation that was spiraling away from her. It is the most stupid and selfish thing Maya has ever done and she wishes she could take it back, but she can’t.

She feels raw, like everyone has peeled back her layers and exposed her for who she really is. The High School track star who used to run for fun until her father took over coaching and it became about keeping him happy. The Olympian chasing her father’s dreams instead of her own. The girl whose worth was measured by the number of gold medals hanging in her bedroom.

She has lived her life by the mantras that her father instilled in her during her teenage years. Always be the best; first place is the only prize worth winning. Don’t let anyone distract you from the goal.

Embrace the pain. Eyes forward at all times.

They are the building blocks of her life and she feels like someone has come along with a hammer and knocked those blocks down. She is falling and there is no-one there to catch her. Not Carina; not even the clouds to keep her safe.

Blinking back tears, Maya grabs the spare pillow on her bed and smothers her face, screaming into it, desperate to let out every ounce of frustration in her body. The release she gets from it is quickly replaced with memories of her ex-girlfriend as she takes a deep breath and inhales the scent of Carina’s shampoo that still lingers on the pillowcase. Her senses are flooded with memories that she can’t bear and she flings the pillow to one side, not caring when it falls to the floor.

With a heavy sigh, Maya rolls onto her side and swings her legs off the bed, pushing herself upright. She reaches her hands above her chest and stretches, the cotton fabric of her t-shirt lifting up and exposing her abs. The cold morning air causes her muscles to ripple, small goosebumps forming. She rolls her neck before standing up and wandering to the bathroom.

She takes a long, hot shower. She had scrubbed every inch of her body last night, washing off every memory of her tryst with Jack until she felt clean – on the outside, at least. She takes her time this morning, letting the water relax her tense muscles.

She dresses and makes her usual protein shake for breakfast, then jumps in her car, skipping her run to work. She doesn’t have the energy after yesterday’s run and workout, and she knows she can always make use of the station gym again if her body craves more exercise. 

When eight o’clock rolls around, Maya sets the team to work on their chores, before hiding away in her office to catch up on B shift’s call out reports. It is a slow morning and no-one bothers her, and she wonders if they can tell that she isn’t in the mood for chatter today.

She tries to concentrate but it is hard, her mind wanders to Carina constantly. She wonders what Carina is thinking, how she is feeling, if there is any part of her that might forgive Maya’s betrayal. Except now Carina has seen her most broken parts and Maya knows she will never be able to earn her forgiveness, so what is the point of even trying?

Just after eleven o’clock, her cellphone rings. Maya’s first thought is whether it is Carina calling her, even it is just to yell at her, and her heart sinks when she sees the home screen light up with ‘Dad’. She lets it ring out and waits to see if he leaves a voicemail. She knows why he is calling and she can’t handle him today.

As much as she didn’t want to hear her mom’s accusations of abuse, she really doesn’t want to hear her dad’s excuses. Because he always has an excuse, he always has a reason for why he treats her the way he does and she is tired of it. She grew up wanting nothing more than his approval, because his approval meant love. This morning she had woken up, her relationship in tatters, and had realised that she didn’t need approval to be loved. She had Carina’s love without condition and she had ruined it by cheating and then throwing it in Carina’s face.

Her dad doesn’t leave a message and she is grateful for that, at least. She turns attention back to work and tries to get through the pile of reports that need to be signed off. The aid car gets called out a couple of times, but there are no fires and the morning passes slowly. She can hear the jokes and laughter of her team floating through the door from the barn and into the reception area outside her office, and she is envious of how lighthearted they are when her heart is so heavy.

Jack knocks on her door at lunch time.

“Are you joining us for lunch?” he asks tentatively, clearly not sure of what kind of welcome he’s going to get.

“No thanks,” Maya says curtly, keeping her eyes down. She is no mood to get into a conversation with him.

He is ignorant to her mood – again – and steps inside, keeping close to the door.

“Look, about yesterday…” he starts, but Maya cuts him off quickly.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says. “It shouldn’t have happened.” She lifts her head and looks him square in the eyes. “It won’t happen again.”

“No, no, I know,” Jack says. “And I won’t say anything. To anyone. Especially not Carina.”

If only she had shown the same sensitivity last night, Maya thinks to herself.

“Carina knows.”

Jack’s thick eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise. “She does?”

Maya nods shortly.

“And you two are…?”

“Over,” Maya says, looking away so that he can’t see the pain in her eyes. “We’re over.”

She says it with an accusatory tone which she knows is unjustified because the only person she has to blame for getting into this mess is herself, but she doesn’t care because she just wants him gone. It works, too, and he backs off, disappearing up to the beanery and leaving her alone.

She skips lunch, in no mood to make conversation. Just saying the words out loud that her relationship with Carina is over leaves her feeling despondent and she so desperately wants to shake it off. Maybe this is what heartbreak feels like, she realises. It is unfamiliar to her and it knocks her off balance.

A call to a factory fire mid-afternoon distracts her from her thoughts. Her team make quick work of evacuating all of the employees, but the fire ravages the building and it takes all of her focus and attention to stop it from collapsing. It is hours before they arrive back at the station, tired and hungry. Maya’s stomach growls and she steels herself to join the team for dinner, glad that everyone is too exhausted to engage in much conversation. They all crash out afterwards, except for Maya whose body fights sleep. She has been better lately at sleeping at work, letting herself relax even though her head tells her to stay awake and alert and focused at all times. There were some nights when Carina would sneak through the front door when no-one was looking and curl up in the captain’s bunk with her, and Maya would find peace in the other woman’s arms. She craves that feeling again.

The engine is called out to a house fire at three a.m. and Maya jumps on the call, even though she doesn’t need to, just to do something other than be kept awake by her guilt.

She crashes out when she gets home. She knows it is going to screw up her body clock but she doesn’t care. It’s not like she has anything to do today anyway. Time that would usually be spent with Carina is now free time again. Maya used to love that, but now she hates the silence. She misses Carina’s laugh and her insane stories about work and the smell of her rich Italian food filling her kitchen.

Maya’s fingers graze over her cellphone every now and again, and she thinks about calling Carina, but each time she convinces herself that she is only setting herself up for more heartbreak. Instead, she wastes the day sleeping and cleaning and running errands, doing everything she can to quell the loneliness that starts to build up inside of her.

Her next shift is busier and Maya misses another call from her dad. She sends him a quick message to placate him but she knows she is going to have to talk to him eventually. Except she doesn’t know what to say to him. All the energy she used to have in defending him and his ways has been drained from her and she feels empty. She has always been her father’s daughter, that’s what everyone used to say, and she doesn’t know who she will be without his guiding presence in her life. All that is left is a person who hurts the only woman she has every truly loved, and she knows she doesn’t want to be that person.

It is a thought that plagues her mind over and over as she evades sleep once more. By the time the morning rolls around, she is exhausted again. Just after seven a.m. she goes in search for coffee and stumbles on the team helping themselves to the breakfast that the B shift have cooked, despite the objections from Finch and his pals. It doesn’t go unnoticed that they fall quiet when she walks into the beanery and Maya sees Ben looking shifty. She figures that word of her break up has got back to him via Bailey and she avoids eye contact, silently hoping that no-one will ask her about it. The smell of crispy bacon makes her stomach rumble and she tucks in herself, knowing that Finch won’t utter a word to her.

Travis is the first one to say something. “Hey Captain?”

Maya looks at him, wary of what he is going to say. “Yeah?”

“Party at Dean’s houseboat tonight,” he announces, looking at her expectantly.

Maya hesitates. She can’t deny that the thought of leaving all of her problems at the bottom of a liquor bottle is appealing.

“Come on, we’re all gonna let off some steam,” Dean says, refusing to take no for an answer.

Maya relents. “I’ll bring the tequila,” she says with a small smile.

Dean grins at her. “Alright!”

Maya spends the day alone again. She heads to bed as soon as she walks through the front door and sleeps until lunch time. When she wakes, she fuels herself with a protein smoothie before going for a five mile run to burn off some of her pent up energy. She wastes away the afternoon in front of the television until evening rolls around. After a quick trip to the liquor store, she arrives at Dean’s house just after eight o’clock.

“Nice of you to join us, Captain,” Dean says with a twinkle in his eye, shuffling back and welcoming Maya inside the houseboat.

Someone immediately shoves a bottle of beer into her hand and she takes a swig. It’s earthy and sharp, and maybe she is used to the delicate bouquet of wine since spending so much time with Carina, but it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth that she isn’t used to these days. She takes another mouthful, figuring she might as well get to used to something different, as she shrugs off her jacket and throws it onto the back of a chair.

Within minutes, Travis grabs her hand.

“Come and dance!” he cajoles her. 

He is already a few drinks ahead of her, his body relaxed and his eyes shining. She feels envious of the happiness that exudes from him and lets him drag her to the middle of the room, where Vic and Emmett are dancing.

“Maya! About damn time!” Vic says, holding up her glass and grinning widely as Maya clinks her bottle against it.

They dance and Maya lets the stress in her body flow out of her. She closes her eyes as she moves, getting lost in the beat of the music, trying to clear her head of everything that has been haunting her.

Her dad. Carina.

She drinks a second beer and a third and a fourth, each drink burying her feelings further down. She ignores the way her heart hurts and allows herself to enjoy the company of her friends. They get silly, jumping and spinning around, and Maya’s cheeks ache from smiling and laughing more than she has in days, ignoring the guilt that weighs down on her.

“I heard you broke up with your hot doctor lover,” Vic says as they dance.

Maya feels a jolt in her chest at the mention of her ex-girlfriend and she remembers just how much she misses her, but she pushes it down again and pretends to shrug it off instead.

“I heard you broke up with yours,” she says in return. At least she’s not alone in nursing a broken heart.

“Yeah,” Vic says. “Yeah, we’re dumb.”

Maya doesn’t need anyone to tell her how stupid she is for destroying her relationship with Carina.

They party until the early hours of the morning until, one by one, they start to pass out. Maya waits until they’re squabbling about bedrooms and space on the couch before she orders an Uber and slips out unnoticed. She’s glad to curl up in her own bed except she is growing tired of sleeping in it by herself. She misses Carina’s body curled up against her, the warmth of her breath on her neck, and the softness of her hand slipping underneath her tank top.

Despite the amount she had to drink, Maya wakes just before nine o’clock the next morning. Her throat is dry and scratchy, her head hurts, and she regrets the tequila. She practically crawls out of bed and gets straight into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the night before.

She makes eggs for breakfast and wolfs them down, her hangover demanding food, quickly followed by a green smoothie because she knows she ought to get something nutritious inside of her. It is her day off and she regrets not making any plans, because she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She settles on the couch and flicks through her phone, smiling at the idiotic photos they took last night, until she scrolls back far enough to the last photo she has of Carina. It was taken a few days before their fight, they had gone out to dinner in downtown Seattle. It was a candid photo, Carina had been leaning against the railing overlooking the water as they had waited for their table to be ready. Maya had volunteered to fetch them drinks from the bar and, on her way back, she had been blown away with how beautiful Carina looked in that moment. She didn’t tell Carina she was taking the photo, she never even showed it to her. It was a secret that Maya carried on her cell phone.

It has been five days since she made the worst mistake of her life and she still doesn’t have the courage to reach out to Carina. She doesn’t know where to begin when it comes to saying sorry for what she had done, doesn’t know how to explain why she did it. So instead tries to convince herself that their relationship was another fling which just happened to last longer than the ones before it. She tries to forget just how much she loves Carina and how hard her heart aches every minute of every damn day.

She is exhausted and she drops her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes and willing sleep to take her away from real life for a while. It is not long before her phone pings, jerking her awake and alerting her to a five alarm call. Within seconds the Battalion Chief is calling her, telling her there has been an explosion at a nearby hospital. Maya’s mind goes straight to Carina.

“Which hospital?” is her first question. “Sir? Which hospital?”

“Pac North,” Chief Sato answers. “Get your team here as soon as you can, it’s all hands on deck.”

“Yes Sir,” Maya says.

She rushes to the bedroom and pulls on the first pair of shoes she can find, then jumps into her car. It is only a five minute car ride and she pulls in behind Dean’s SUV just as the group from the night before, minus Andy, fall out of it looking worse for wear and just as regretful about how much alcohol they consumed last night.

“Explosion at Pac North,” she says as she gets out of her car. “Get into your gear and let’s go!”

They all jump into action, running to the locker room and pulling on her turnout gear in record time.

“Montgomery, take the aid car with Warren. Gibson, Hughes, Miller, take the ladder truck. I’ll meet you there in the engine.”

They nod at her and rush to the barn, while Maya takes a detour to the front desk to pick up the floor plans of the hospital that the Chief has asked her to bring to the scene. As she rushes through the station, she is surprised by the sight of her dad leaning against the front desk. Her stomach flips at seeing him. He looks solemn as he looks down at his hands, twisting his wedding band around his finger. He hears her coming and looks up, his frown turning into a smile when he sees her.

“Hey,” he says.

Maya slows her pace. “Dad… what are you doing here?”

“Well, I figured I’d stop by and see my daughter the captain in action,” Lane says, watching as Maya collects her papers from the printer. “I’ve been calling you for days.”

Maya knows that tone – he’s mad, he’s just not showing it.

“I’m sorry,” she says on autopilot. “There’s been a lot going on and I have to go.” She backs away and into the barn. “But just hang here until l get back.”

“Sure kiddo,” Lane says, as Maya climbs into the fire engine.

She hates it when he calls her ‘kiddo’. Most people think of it as a term of endearment, but Maya knows it is his way of reminding him of who has the power in their relationship. Father/daughter. Master/servant.

“Hey?” Lane calls out after her. “Go Captain!”

He pumps his fist in the air at her and Maya shoots him a half smile as she closes the door, offering him a small wave as the engine pulls out of the barn and hurtles down the road towards Pac North.

They are greeted by Chief Sato on their arrival.

“I thought the hospital was closed?” Maya questions.

“Mostly,” Sato says. “ER is open, it’s transferring admits. Radiology on the first floor, research wing in the basement.”

“Gas leak?”

“That’s our guess,” Sato says. “Utilities are off…”

He doesn’t get to say any more before another explosion blasts out of the third floor. So much for a gas leak, Maya thinks. Her team don’t hesitate as they rush into the hospital, while Maya stays outside, pouring over the plans with the Chief and his team as they try to work out a pattern to the explosions. There is no way of knowing if and when another explosion might happen, so her team’s orders are simple: get everyone and themselves out of the building as soon as possible.

They are taking their time and Maya becomes impatient. “Gibson, I need all of my team out of that building now,” she demands through the radio.

“Copy Captain,” comes Jack’s reply.

Her momentary relief at hearing from him quickly dissipates when another explosion blasts out the first floor windows.

“What the hell,” Maya mutters, immediately spotting Cutler coming out of the building carrying a firefighter from Station 23 on his shoulders. He is followed by two more carrying an injured firefighter between them. There is no sign of anyone else from 19. “We have two firefighters from 23 with blast injuries,” she says down her radio. “19? 19 do you copy?”

There is an urgency to her voice that she can’t hide. The last few months have been full of so much loss and she can’t lose anyone else.

“Copy,” Jack says. “Explosion above us caused collapse of the hallway outside. Gibson here with Hughes, Miller, Warren, Montgomery and one patient.”

Maya breathes a sigh of relief at hearing from him. “Gibson, do you have egress?”

“Negative,” Jack replies.

“Dammit,” Maya curses. Before she gets chance to liaise with Chief Sato, Dixon turns up.

“Bishop, Sato, report,” he barks.

Maya takes the lead. “Third explosion and fire on the third floor. Weakened structural integrity causing partial collapse. We have two from 23 injured and five currently trapped in the basement research wing. Requesting USAR company to come in…”

“Chief! Chief Dixon! Over here, Sir!” come calls from the crowd.

Chief Dixon is immediately distracted by the attention of the press and saunters away as Maya is mid-sentence.

“Afternoon all, happy to answer any questions you may have,” she hears him address them.

She shakes her head in disbelief and has to bite her tongue in front of Chief Sato to stop herself from saying something she shouldn’t. “What’s USAR’s ETA?” she asks instead.

“He said five minutes out,” Sato answers.

Maya turns her focus back to the task in hand, desperate to get her team to safety.

Within minutes, Gibson is back on the radio. “Bishop, we have a suspicious device...”

He is cut short and silence falls. Maya waits for more but nothing else comes. “Gibson? Gibson?!” she calls for him, but he doesn’t answer.

“This is Pac North IC requesting SPD bomb squad code red response,” Sato demands through his radio.

“And we still have a news chopper and a drone,” Maya says, looking upwards into the sky. “Medivac’s still not cleared to land.”

Out of nowhere, a familiar voice grabs Maya’s attention from behind her.

“There’s my girl…”

Maya turns, immediately on edge when she sees her father in the crowd.

“…being boss!”

He’s smiling but it isn’t the kind of smile that reaches his eyes and Maya knows what that means. She jogs over to him nervously.

“Dad, what are you doing here?” she questions.

“Well, I saw you on the news, I wanted to watch you actually do something.”

His words sting and Maya doesn’t want him there. She has seen him like this before, he is wound up tightly and ready to uncoil – another bomb just waiting to explode.

“Dad, you can’t…”

She wants to tell him that he can’t be here and he should wait for her at the station, or at home, but he cuts her off.

“Don’t dad me. Go do something, Captain! Go!”

Maya shoots him a bemused smile, a discomfort spreading through her body. It is the same discomfort she used to have when she was a teenager, when her dad would watch her chatting to her friends in between laps, knowing that she would get reprimanded once they got home for resting instead of stretching or keeping warm.

Panic flares up inside of her as she walks back to the team and she pushes it down, knowing she needs to concentrate on her work right now with her team in danger. Gibson had said something about a suspicious device before going quiet. 19 are the best, she knows that, but right now they’re trapped in a basement with what might be a third bomb and no way out, and her stomach churns with fear. She knows she can’t let that fear overwhelm her, that it is her job to get them out of there alive.

“Bomb squad are nearly here,” Sato tells her when she rejoins him. If he wonders who the man in the crowd is, he doesn’t ask. “Any more communication from your team?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, nothing.” She pulls her radio towards her mouth. “Gibson? Gibson, do you copy?”

There is no answer and she tries again.

“Gibson?”

All she needs is one word from him and she clenches her jaw in frustration when she doesn’t get a reply.

“Chief Sato?” a voice behind her causes her to turn her head to see a short, stocky man brandishing a Bomb Squad vest.

Sato steps forward. “Officer Turner?”

Turner nods. He is flanked by a number of colleagues, each kitted out in protective gear. They shake hands but don’t bother with pleasantries, knowing that time is critical.

“This is Captain Bishop, Station 19. It’s her team inside.”

“Bring me up to speed,” Turner asks.

“We have 5 firefighters and a civilian trapped in the basement with what we think is a suspicious device,” Maya tells him. “And now we have no communication.”

“They switched off radios to avoid any electrical interference with the detonator,” Turner says. “It’s smart.”

It might be smart but it doesn’t bring Maya any comfort when she can’t communicate with them.

“Our crew is on the move…”

“Hey kiddo!” suddenly her dad is calling for her again. “Kiddo! Come here.” He gestures for her to come closer and he looks pissed. Maya’s heart sinks, but she scurries over to him obediently.

“Hey dad, you should probably wait for me at home,” she says, keeping her tone light, knowing it is a false hope that he’ll go away quietly.

“Your family’s falling apart and you’re playing fire captain?” Lane spits at her.

Maya frowns at his unnecessary insult. “I’m not playing anything, I am captain,” she says.

“Did your mother fill your head with drama?” Lane confronts her. “Hmm? Is that why you’re treating me this way?”

Maya’s instinct tells her to walk away, to get away from her father when he is in this mood. She never could when she was a child, but she has work this time and he will at least respect that – right?

“You know, Dad, I have to go,” she says, turning to leave.

In one swift movement, Lane lifts the tape and ducks under it, striding towards her. “Don’t raise your voice at me, young lady.”

Maya feels self-conscious, knowing that eyes are starting to turn to look at them as he gets riled up. Her heart starts to beat harder in her chest and she takes a deep breath, willing it to calm down.

“Dad, I need you to get back behind the tape,” Maya says, trying to sound more confident than she feels.

Lane holds his ground, refusing to move as he glares angrily at her.

“Dad, interfering with emergency personnel is a crime, I’m not going to ask you again,” Maya says.

“Are you threatening me?” Lane asks, pushing his way into Maya’s space.

Maya takes a deep breath, summoning up as much courage as she can muster. “I am in charge and I’m ordering you to leave my scene.”

Lane squares up to her. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.” She turns to leave, refusing to argue with him in front of the crowd.

What happens next takes her by surprise and she is not expecting it when he wraps his hand around her ponytail, yanking it hard. She staggers backwards while she finds the strength to wrestle out of his grip.

“Get your hands off of me!” she yells at him as she pushes him away.

Maya feels herself suddenly surrounded by a mass of people from the fire department, bomb squad and police department. She glares back at him, unable to believe what just happened.

“Oh yeah, oh, you need your big strong men to fight your battles, huh Captain,” Lane taunts her.

Maya snaps. “No Dad, I don’t! I don’t need to win my gold medals for other people. Unlike you, I win them myself!”

Lane Bishop looks taken aback at the way his daughter stands up to him and he falls silent. He is restrained by an officer from SPD and doesn’t bother to struggle, he can do nothing but watch as Maya turns his back on her.

“I’m fine!” Maya barks. “Everybody back to work.”

Maya strides back to the scene, her whole body shaking as she tries to get a hold of her emotions. Her mind spins as she thinks about what just happened: the way her dad turned up at the scene to confront her; the way it turned physical out of the blue; the way she yelled at him in front of a crowd of people, something she has never done before. She rubs the back of her head absentmindedly where her hair was pulled so violently and she tucks her ponytail into the back of her turnout coat. She can feel her hands shaking as she moves, and she curls her fists to hide it. Her heart is racing and she takes a deep breath, desperate to calm herself before the team join her again.

‘Five things you can see,’ she thinks to herself, remembering the grounding technique that Carina taught her. A car, a fire engine, an extended ladder, a hose, broken glass on the ground. ‘Four things you can touch…’

She is walking through the steps as Sato and Turner approach.

“Bishop…?” Sato starts.

“I’m fine,” Maya interjects, softer this time. She doesn’t give them the chance to ask any more questions. “Still no word from 19. How long has it been since Gibson’s message?”

“About 25 minutes,” Sato says. “The team are inside drilling through the debris to get to the basement.”

“How long will it take?” Maya asks, impatient to get her team to safety.

“Hard to say,” Sato answers. “Five, maybe ten minutes.”

Maya nods. There is nothing they can do but wait, except Maya doesn’t have a lot of patience right now. As if the universe knows that she needs a distraction, something catches her eyes and she turns to watch as three police officers approach Chief Dixon, who is still holding court with the press. She can’t quite hear what they say to him, but watches as they cuff him and lead him away. She can’t help but smile as he passes, knowing it is about time he got his comeuppance.

Suddenly, from inside the hospital, there is a muffled boom and her stomach twists in knots.

“What the…” she starts to say. A voice comes through the radio.

“Explosion in the basement,” comes a voice through the radio. “Structure still intact, we’re about to break through.”

Maya lifts her radio. “19? 19, do you copy?” She gets silence again. “Gibson? Hughes? Montgomery? Miller? Warren?” She reels off their names, holding her breath as she waits desperately for one of them will reply to her.

She hears a crackle.

“Bishop?” she hears Jack’s voice.

“Jack! Are you guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Jack says. “Our patient didn’t make it but the rest of us are okay.”

Maya lets out a deep sigh of relief. “Glad to hear it, Lieutenant. Not get your butts out of there.”

“You can proceed,” Chief Sato says to Turner and his team, nodding towards the hospital.

Maya nods her thanks to Turner as he leads his team inside, then turns towards Chief Sato, who is looking at her with concern.

“Listen, about earlier…”

“It won’t happen again, Sir,” Maya says.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Sato says gently. “I was going to say, if you need any assistance, the FD will support you.”

Maya blushes with embarrassment. “Thank you, Sir. I’ll be fine.”

Chief Sato nods and moves across the forecourt to the firefighters from 23. Maya picks up her radio again. “I want bomb squad to comb through every inch of that hospital. If there were four, who knows how many more there are.”

She turns just as the team from 19 emerge from the hospital. Maya has never been so happy to see them. They walk towards her, their arms full of boxes. She watches as they notice the police car pulling away with Dixon in the back seat.

“Is that…?” Jack wonders.

“It sure as hell is,” Ben says, offering a cheeky salute.

“I never want to forget this moment,” Vic says. “I want it etched in my memory forever.”

“Forever and ever,” Travis agrees.

“See? Told y’all,” Dean notes. “Sex offender.”

Maya revels in the sound of their banter. “Why are we carrying rodents, 19?” she asks them.

“Because we’re saving the lives of untold millions,” Jack tells her.

Maya smiles, bemused, as Vic leans in as she passes her.

“You know, like we do,” Vic teases.

Maya watches as they unload the items in their arms. She spies Jack speaking to a member of Station 23 and they both look towards her when they think she is not paying attention, and she guesses that Jack is being told about the incident with her dad. She hates being the subject of gossip but doesn’t have it in her to even shoot them a pissed look at this point.

With her team back to safety and the hospital evacuated except for the bomb squad who were inside looking for more explosives, Maya instructs everyone to head back to the station. She jumps into the engine with Vic, Travis and Ben, only half-listening to them as they recount the moment that Jack carried the bomb to the autoclave. Her mind wanders back to her encounter with her father. She hasn’t heard from him since – no phone calls, no angry messages – and she still feels on edge at what might happen next. It is not like Lane Bishop to back down from a fight.

There is a pulsing ache at back of her head where the force at which he pulled her hair still lingers. Her ponytail feels heavy and she twists her neck back and forth, trying to shake the feeling, but it won’t go away. She has an overwhelming urge to chop it off and free herself from its weight, and the thought sits with her as they drive.

“You okay, Bishop?” Ben asks, noticing how quiet she is.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine. Just feeling the effects from last night,” she lies.

He seems to accept her answer and the conversation turns to the events from the night before, as Vic fills him in on their drunken antics. 

They pile into the locker room when they get back to the station, squabbling over who is going to have the first shower. Maya stops by her office first and grabs the pair of scissors from her desk, then slips past everyone else and into the bathroom.

She stares at her reflection in the mirror, her face hard and sad – a far cry from the happiness that used to exude out of her when Carina was around. She wants to go back to the person she was becoming, the person who was learning to fill her life with more than just work. The person who was happy and in love.  

Maya hesitates, the tips of her fingers tingling in anticipation of what she is about to do. Maya has had long hair since she was a little girl, when everyone would run their hands over her head and tell her how pretty she was. But the sensation of her father tugging her hair and pulling her backwards lingers and won’t go away, and she wants to be free of it. She wants to be free of him.

With a shaky breath, Maya loosens her ponytail, lifts the scissors and starts to cut. She hears the blades slicing through her hair and it almost makes her stop, but it’s too late now. She has to finish. She doesn’t know how long it takes, but it feels like forever until her ponytail comes loose in her left hand. She lets go of the breath she was holding as she takes in how short and choppy her hair is now.

She looks different somehow. Even though she is used to seeing her face with her hair scraped back, her new bob looks strange on her. It doesn’t really change how she is feeling. The pain and regret are still there, threatening to overwhelm her if she just gives them the opportunity.

Jack finds her a few moments later and she glances at him via the reflection in the mirror.

“I was so stupid,” she says bluntly. “Everyone saw the truth about my dad but me. Everyone.”

Jack leans against the doorframe, watching her. He can tell that she is processing what happened this afternoon and he hangs back, giving her the space she needs. “It’s how these things usually go,” he says with a small shrug.

“I ruined the best relationship I ever had because of him,” Maya says bitterly.

Jack doesn’t know what went down between Maya and Carina, but he knows that he has never seen Maya as happy and content as she has been these last few months, and he knows she’d be a fool not to try and make amends. “You could apologise.”

Maya drops her head sorrowfully. “It’s too late for that. Way too late.”

“You’d be surprised how far an ‘I’m sorry’ can get you,” Jack says pointedly.

Maya knows she treated him like crap that day, that she had been mean and had preyed on his weaknesses to get him to stop pushing her so hard. She had been so caught up in her own feelings that she hadn’t stopped to think about his.

She turns to look at him. “I’m sorry, Jack.”

Jack offers her a small smile in acceptance of her apology. “We’re all going to the houseboat, gonna raise a glass to Dixon’s demise,” he says, inviting her to join them.

Maya smiles gratefully, but shakes her head. “No, I can’t. Have fun.”

Jack nods, understanding her reasons, and points at her hair. “Hair looks kinda cool.”

Maya smiles despite the tears that pool in her eyes. Jack turns and walks away, leaving her alone with her thoughts. The truth is, she has been too scared to apologise to Carina. Too scared to admit how badly she hurt her, too scared to see the inevitable anger in Carina’s eyes. Too scared to admit that she made a mistake because she wasn’t ready to face the truth of what everyone had been saying and acknowledge that her childhood had been hard and exhausting. Too scared of Carina telling her that she will never forgive her.

Except if she never apologises, she will never know if she can earn back Carina’s trust, and she wants that more than anything.  

Maya runs her hand over the ponytail in her hand and takes a deep breath, before heading out of the bathroom, knowing what she needs to do. She ignores the curious glances that come from her team as they take in her newly cut hair; she doesn’t see Jack shake his head at them, silently telling them not to ask any questions as she walks out of the locker room and towards her office.

She changes quickly, grabs her bag and heads out to her car. It is a short drive to the hospital and she has no time to think about what she is going to say to Carina when she sees her. She knows what she wants to say, the words have been swirling around her head all week so she is just going to wing it and hope that it is enough.

She pulls into the car park and jumps out of her car, heading for the front entrance. She doesn’t see Carina at first, too focused on her destination as she strides along the path, weaving in and out of the people around her, but the pale pink colour of her scrubs catches her eye as she passes her talking to a surgeon she doesn’t recognise. Maya stops and takes a deep breath, knowing it is now and never. She turns.

“Carina.”