16. A Safe Place To Land

Carina is angry. Angrier than she has ever been.

She is angry with Meredith for not taking care of Andrew like she had promised, for letting him work all the hours under the sun as he had tried to figure out what was wrong with Doctor Webber, without forcing him to rest. And yes, he had been the one to diagnose the cobalt poisoning, but at what cost to himself?

She is angry with Doctor Bailey for not stepping in when she should have, for not flexing her authority as Chief to stop him from burning out. As someone with OCD herself, she knows how easy it is for something to get out of control, especially in a highly stressful situation.

She is angry with her father for being sick also and refusing to get help himself, for never being the role model that Andrew needed, never showing him that his Bipolar was something he could manage and live with, and still thrive in his career as a surgeon. All he had done was teach Andrew that it was something to fear, as if pretending that it wasn’t there was better than confronting it. 

She is angry at the universe for being so cruel and letting her baby brother get sick with the same disease that their father has and which had torn their family apart – quite literally.

Most of all, she is angry with herself. Angry that she couldn’t stop it from happening; angry that she hasn’t been able to protect him from the rollercoaster of mania and depression that is a constant battle for him; angry that she isn’t good enough to help him herself. Instead, she has had to ask for help from a stranger because she doesn’t know what else to do and is terrified every time the phone rings that it is going to be someone calling to tell her the news that every doctor dreads having to give.

It is an anger that made her snap at Maya earlier that evening when she had accidently dropped a wine glass as they had tidied up after dinner, smashed glass scattering across the floor. It was an accident, Carina knew that, but it didn’t stop her from berating Maya for being so clumsy and pushing her aside as she had started to pick up the larger shards with her hands and nicked her finger on a particularly sharp piece.

“I can’t always be taking care of you too,” Carina had snapped as she had wrapped Maya’s hand in a clean dishcloth to stem the bleeding.

She had immediately apologised and Maya had graciously accepted, but the hurt in her eyes had been apparent. They had curled up on the sofa afterwards with some terrible romcom on the television that had barely captured Carina’s attention and she felt the silent tension between them, knowing that Maya was being careful with every question asked and comment made in case it irritated her. Carina had pulled her closer and planted a kiss on her temple, the physical affection easing the tension somewhat and persuading Maya to stay the night.

It is an anger that had caused her to suffer an interrupted night’s sleep, tossing and turning, never finding a comfortable position. Now, here she is at five a.m., wide awake and settled at the dining table of her townhouse, her head in her hands and tears streaming down her face, the anger and fear and sadness flowing out of her and creating a small pool between her elbows. She has been keeping her emotions to herself as much as possible, no energy in her bones to manage her own feelings on top of Andrew’s, but she can’t help herself tonight, the weight of what is to come today bearing down so heavily on her that it is suffocating.

She doesn’t hear the soft pad of footsteps coming down the stairs and across the wooden floorboards, or the chair beside her being pulled out. She only becomes aware of Maya’s presence when one hand slides around her back and the other rests on her forearm.

“Hey… hey,” Maya says, her voice full of concern. “I know you’re scared, but you’re doing the right thing.”

Carina can’t speak, but she shakes her head between her hands, keeping her gaze pointing down. It doesn’t feel like the right thing. It feels very, very wrong and she hates the world for putting her in the position of having to betray her brother’s trust in order to help him.

Maya can feel her hesitation. “You are,” she insists. “He needs help.”

“Then I should help him,” Carina says through muffled sobs.

Maya lifts her hand from where it rests on her back and runs it over Carina’s hair gently. “You are,” she says.

“How? By shipping him off to be someone else’s problem?” Carina lifts her head to stare incredulously at her girlfriend as she feels her anger rising again.

“By relying on the people who can help him,” Maya says. “You’ve tried, Carina, you’ve tried everything and just because he won’t listen to you, doesn’t mean you’ve failed.” She knows Carina’s guilt without her having to speak it out loud.

Carina frowns, refusing to be swayed. “I’m his sister.”

“And you have done everything you can to take care of him. But sometimes we can’t do it all by ourselves, sometimes we have to let other people in,” Maya says. “And there are so many people who care about him – and you. Meredith, Bailey, Doctor Webber… they all want to help you. Let them help you help him.”

Carina shakes her head, every positive affirmation from Maya met with protestation. “He’s going to hate me.”

“He’s not,” Maya says. She knows the reality is that Andrew might react badly to the planned intervention, that he might feel ganged up on by his family and friends and colleagues. “Whatever happens, whatever he says, he’s just scared. But he loves you, I know he does.” 

Carina opens her mouth to argue back, but Maya cuts her off.

“He loves you, Carina. And this is what he needs, I know you know that.”

Carina finally relents, no more fight left in her to push back. Her shoulders slump in defeat as she tucks her head into the crook of Maya’s neck. “I don’t know if I can do this to him,” she says quietly.

“You can,” Maya says. “You’re the only one who can. You’re the only one who loves him enough to do it.”.

Her words hang between them until Carina slowly nods her head, her hair brushing against Maya’s collarbone.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Maya repeats. She rubs Carina’s back, relieved to feel her calmer than how she had found her. “Do you have a plan?” she asks tentatively. “About how you’re going to do it? What you’re going to say?”

That is Maya, always the planner, compared to Carina’s spontaneous nature.  

“Doctor Cole is going to be there, she’s the counsellor he spoke to when Bailey suspended him before. I guess she’ll take the lead.”

“Don’t you think he’ll want to hear from you?” Maya questions gently.

Carina uncurls herself from Maya’s arms, sitting up and resting her forearms on the table. “I don’t know what to say,” she admits. “It feels too hard.”

“Of course it’s going to be hard,” Maya says, thinking back to the pep talk that Carina gave her not too long ago when she had been nervous about speaking to Andy after Pruitt’s death. “But you need to tell him, whatever it is you’re thinking and feeling, you need to say it out loud. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Maya looks around the room, her eyes falling on the bureau that stands against the wall. She stands and walks over to it, opening a drawer and rummaging around until she finds the notebook and pen she is looking for. She takes it back to the table and sits down in her seat.

“Here – write it down,” she suggests, pushing the pen and paper towards Carina. “Write everything. Get it out of your head, Carina.”

Carina takes a deep breath and picks up the pen, her hand shaking so much that it drops back onto the table. Before she has chance to try again, Maya takes it for herself, pulling the notepad closer.

“Tell me,” she says gently. “Push out all the fear and the guilt that you’re carrying, and tell me.”

Carina looks at her, her eyes full of tears and love and wonder at how one person can make her feel better by offering to the share the weight of the burden she has been carrying for years.

“He’s my baby brother,” Carina says through her tears. “I’ve loved him since the moment he was born. His face was all red and squishy, and he had long limbs and no hair, except for this soft blonde fuzz. I thought it made him look like a peach.” They share a smile over the memory and Carina thinks about digging out some old photos, overcome by the urge to reminisce. “I was so excited to have a little brother. When Mama was in the hospital, I stayed by the phone for hours until Nonna sent me to bed. She woke me at three o’clock in the morning to tell me he was here and I ran out into the rain because I didn’t know what to do with all the excitement I was feeling.”

A tear falls from her eye and she wipes it away quickly.

“We’re a team. No matter what was going on with Mama and Papa, it was me and Andrea. I looked after him because I was the big sister but he… I think he doesn’t know it, but he looked after me too. We’ve always looked after each other, it’s what we do.”

“So you’ll tell him that,” Maya says softly, writing down the memory that Carina had just recited. “What else?”

They sit there for an hour as Carina pours her heart out and they write, and rewrite, the things that she wants to tell Andrew to persuade him to finally listen to her. The sun is rising by the time they finish and Carina feels drained, but relieved at having the jumbled thoughts in her head finally out in the open.

“Thank you, bella.” Carina leans across the table and places a soft kiss on Maya’s cheek, smiling as she feels Maya lean into her.

“Do you want me to come to the hospital with you?” Maya offers. “It’s my day off, I can be there for you.”

“No, Maya, you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” Maya says. She thinks about all the times Carina has been there for her and it is not that she feels obligated to return the gesture, but she wants Carina to know that she is the kind of person she can rely on when she needs it. 

“I know and I’m grateful, I really am,” Carina says. “But he’s not going to react well and he doesn’t really know you yet and…”

Regret is painted all over her face and Maya reaches out to cover Carina’s hand with one of her own.

“It’s okay,” she interjects. “I understand. But promise me you’ll call me if you need me?”

Carina nods. “I promise.”

“How about I drop you at work instead?”

“I need to stop by Andrea’s apartment, pack a bag. He… he’ll go straight to the facility,” Carina says, her voice faltering.

“Then I’ll come with you,” Maya says, not giving up just yet, wanting to stay by Carina’s side for as long as she can.

Carina smiles, realising that Maya is not going to let up easily. “Okay.” She rests a hand on Maya’s thigh, squeezing it. “And when he’s better, I’m going to make sure he gets to know you properly. I want him to know you, Maya.”

Maya smiles, her cheeks blushing pink. She is not normally the kind of person that someone wants to introduce to their family and it used to be a red flag to her, but not this time. This time, she wants it. She wants to immerse herself in Carina’s life and get to know her most important person, knowing that Andrew is the one whose approval she needs the most.

“I would like that.” She puts her hand over Carina’s, curling her fingers around hers. “I know I’m not going to be able to persuade you to get any more sleep, but can I at least convince you to eat some breakfast? My eggs might not be as fancy as yours, but I make a good omelette. And I’m really good at toast too.”

Carina laughs at that. “That sounds good.”

She means it. Having Maya by her side is the tonic she needs as she prepares for what she knows is going to be a difficult day.

Carina’s resolve almost falters when she sees how broken and scared Andrew looks when he steps into the room and realises what is going on. She thinks about grabbing his hand and pulling him out of there, away from the hospital and these people, and hiding him away in her house until the depression passes. But she knows she can’t, she knows that running away would be the real failure. So she stays, perched on the arm of a chair, gripping the notebook in her hands so hard that her knuckles turn white.

She regrets saying no to Maya’s offer to be there with her, missing the firefighter’s presence as she observes her brother’s pale face and drawn features, immediately reluctant to participate in this charade. She closes her eyes for a moment and tries to hear Maya’s voice in her head, telling her that she is doing the right thing and reassuring her that everything will be okay.

All eyes are on her as she stands and reads the words that Maya wrote for her. She can barely look him in the eyes at first, frightened of seeing hate or anger, but when she begs him to accept their help, she looks straight at him, her eyes pleading with him and silently asking that he hears her.

She gets nothing back, just mild disdain that he is being put through this nonsense.

Doctor Webber is next and he tells Andrew that he’s special – and he is, Carina has always thought so. Then Meredith and Bailey, trying to appeal to him, but every time they hit a wall.

He feels shame and it breaks her heart, because all he wants is to not be like their father and she knows that he isn’t anything like Papa, but the illness is overwhelming, it always has been. She tells him that, but he rejects her and gets angry – and she understand that anger more than anything because she feels it herself.

He is banging the door closed, over and over again, and it makes her jump because he has always been the placid one compared to her fiery nature. She watches him slide to the floor and the overprotective sister gene kicks in. It is the same one that made her confront the gang of boys that used to tease and bully him on his walk home from school when he was eight years old and she warned them that she would make them sorry if they came after him again. She sits beside him and remembers Maya’s words from earlier that morning, and asks him to let them help him. To trust them, to trust her to take care of him when he can’t take care of himself.

Carina feels the love for him in the room and she prays that he can feel it too. And finally he relents and he leans into her, like he did when he was small, curling into her and letting her clean the tears from his cheeks. They are blocking the door but no-one rushes them to move, and Carina soothes him in their native Italian, promising him that everything is going to be okay and willing herself to believe it as much as him.

It is a twenty minute drive to the residential facility in Bellevue and they are blessed with good traffic. Carina worries the whole ride that he will put up resistance at some point, but Andrew is calm – eerily so, she thinks, having been witness to his extreme mood swings lately. She marks it to exhaustion and she gets it, because the day has drained her too.

Doctor Cole has called ahead so, when she pulls into the parking lot, there is a doctor waiting outside who greets them as they emerge from the car. He looks young, Carina notes, but holds himself with a confidence that she immediately trusts.

“Doctor DeLuca,” he says, stepping forwards. “I’m Neil Morgan.”

Carina isn’t sure who he is talking to and Andrew stays silent, so she steps forwards first. “Carina DeLuca,” she introduces herself, holding out her hand that Morgan accepts. “This is my brother, Andrea.”

Doctor Morgan holds out his hand to Andrew and despite the lack of initial response he keeps his hand raised until Carina pokes her brother between his ribs and he politely accepts the greeting.

“Andrew,” is all he says, correcting Carina’s preference to use his given name.

“It’s nice to meet you, Andrew.” Doctor Morgan turns and guides them through the door and into the building. “Doctor Cole has already filled out most of the relevant forms for you, there are just a few signatures I need from you both.”

They go through the motions of completing the paperwork. The reception area is bright and clean, with calming tones of green and blue, but the thought of what lies beyond the doors is too overwhelming for them both to notice.

“I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye,” Doctor Morgan says once the paperwork is filed.

Carina shoots him a grateful smile before turning to her little brother.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it is. You’re nothing like Papa. He wouldn’t do this, he wouldn’t accept help, even in the worst times. That makes you better than him. It makes you stronger and more brave.”

Andrew nods and she takes it as a sign that he is taking on board what she is saying.

“I love you, il mio fratellino. And I’m going to be right here to pick you up in four weeks, okay?”

“Thank you,” Andrew says quietly.

It is all she needs to hear and Carina feels her chest swell. She pulls him in for a hug, holding on to him for as long as she can before Doctor Morgan makes his presence known. It is hard for her to leave and she lingers as Doctor Morgan takes Andrew through the double doors on the other side of the room, speaking to him in a low voice as they walk.

Once they are out of sight, Carina retreats to her car and once she is alone she can’t hold back the sob that ruptures from her chest, pummelling the steering wheel with the palm of her hands as she vents her anger. She cries in the car for more than ten minutes, letting her eyes run dry.

When she finally starts her journey home, the traffic has built up along the freeway and she trails behind a long queue. She finds that she doesn’t care, in no hurry to reach the solitude of her townhouse. The sun is setting by the time she arrives home and the darkness is a comfort. She moves slowly as she climbs out of the car, her body weary, and it takes a moment before she realises that there is someone waiting for her on the steps of her porch. Carina’s heart leaps when she sees who it is.

“Maya! What are you doing here?”

“I told you, it’s my day off,” Maya says from her seat on the top step. “I wasn’t going to let you spend the evening alone.” She lifts the takeout bag in her hands. “I stopped by Little Roma. I didn’t think you’d be in the mood to cook.”

“Il mio eroe.”

Carina breaks out into a small smile that feels foreign on her face and it doesn’t linger for long, but it is enough to lift her spirits for a moment. Maya stands as Carina walks the few steps to the porch and immediately slides her arms around Maya’s waist, seeking the comfort of her embrace. Maya stays on the top step, making her taller for once and giving Carina the chance to snuggle against her chest, burying her face into the crook of Maya’s neck. Maya wraps her arms around her and pulls her close. She doesn’t ask how it went, she doesn’t need to. Carina had sent her a message earlier to let her know that she was taking Andrew to the Bellevue Treatment Center which meant that the intervention had worked and he had finally listened to her pleas.

“You did a good thing today,” Maya says softly. “I know it was hard and I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you did. You were the big sister he needed.”

She feels Carina trembling in her arms and holds her tighter, their bodies swaying a little in the darkness as she gives Carina a moment to compose herself before pulling back.

“Come on, the food will go cold.”

Carina lets them into the house, slipping out of her heels and feeling relief as her bare feet hit the cold, wooden floor. Her body feels tense as she carries her stress in her shoulders and she rolls her neck in a circular motion, letting out a heavy sigh as she walks into the front room. It is just as she had left it earlier this morning and yet everything is different. She thinks she should feel some sort of gratitude that the day went as planned, and maybe she will in a day or two, but right now any gratitude is quelled by the anger that still lingers.

Maya doesn’t try to make conversation as she heads straight to the kitchen, retrieving plates from the cupboard and dishing up the food. Carina heads to the door to the garden and pulls it open, letting some cool air into the house. She pauses in the doorway, closing her eyes and letting the breeze wash over her. It calms her and she appreciates the tranquility of the moment.

“Carina?”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Carina says, more irritably than she intends. She knows Maya noticed and sighs. “I’m sorry, bella.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Carina says roughly, leaning against the frame of the open door. “None of this okay.”

Maya can sense her frustration from the short distance away. She places the two dinner plates on the table and walks over to where Carina is standing, sliding one arm around her waist and resting her cheek on Carina’s shoulder.

“What do you need?” She catches herself, not wanting to upset her girlfriend even more by asking a dumb question. “I know I can’t change how you’re feeling. But right now, what do you need?”

Carina’s body is so tightly wound up that she feels like she might unravel at any moment. She doesn’t want to unravel, she doesn’t want to give this awful disease one more ounce of her emotions. She spins in her spot and curls into Maya’s body, dipping down to rest her chin on Maya’s shoulder and wrapping her arms around the top of her back.

“This,” she murmurs.

Maya responds by sliding her arms around Carina’s waist and letting herself be used as a resting place. “This I can do. We can do this all night if you want to.”

“You’re staying tonight?”

Maya thinks it is a crazy question after all Carina has done for her over the last few weeks, keeping her company at night when the nightmares came back. “I’m not going anywhere,” she promises.

Carina thinks back to the day not that long ago when Maya had pushed her away in her office, boasting that she ‘didn’t need a girlfriend’ and calling their relationship nothing more than a ‘hook up’. How fast things had changed since then and now Maya was her safe place to land, where she felt safe and protected and maybe even loved. Carina had always known that she was capable of loving fiercely but no-one had ever given her the chance – until now.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, blinking back tears and tightening her grip around Maya’s back.

She knows in that moment that she could love Maya fiercely.

That maybe she already does.