5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Castle would stop now and then to stretch or roll his shoulders then lean back in the chair to read what he had just written and make an adjustment or two, or to jot down something he didn't want to forget when it came up later. Then he would dive back in for a while. With the exception of a few words exchanged after quick bathroom breaks, the couple hadn't communicated, and yet neither of them had felt ignored.

Later, Castle was roused from his writing haze with another kiss on his cheek and told that dinner was almost ready.

"Do you want to look for a good stopping place, or would you like me to keep it warm for you until you're ready for it?"

"Is about ten minutes okay? I need a break, anyway. I should put it away for the night…let it percolate while I pay some attention to the beautiful, patient woman in my house."

"Ten minutes is perfect. I'll finish up and put it on the table. See you in a few."

She trailed her hand over his shoulder as she left, and he closed his eyes to relish it before finishing his last few paragraphs of the day and saving his work. After closing his laptop, he stretched several different ways and then walked to the kitchen, reveling in the idea that Kate Beckett was in his home for the weekend, taking care of him while he was absorbed in his job. That thought was on his mind when he entered the kitchen, and there was an amused smile on his face.

Kate looked up from where she had just put the last dish on the table and asked, "What has you looking so entertained?"

"The role reversal. You're making sure I eat when I've been totally absorbed in my work."

She looked at the table then back at him and chuckled. "My turn, I guess. Looks like we both have some work to do on that score. As long as one of us is aware, we'll both probably survive."

"This looks good."

"Here's hoping," she answered as they both sat down.

"No more writing today, I promise."

"Think you'll meet the deadline?"

"I might even get it in a day early if I take some time to work tomorrow. This morning, I made some revisions in what I had already written; and after that, it just started happening. One of those times when the story falls together and it's like they're talking and I'm taking dictation. Then there was some action, and I had to work through describing that, but I think it went well. I don't even consider procrastinating when it works that way."

"You kind of light up when you talk about it. It looks good on you."

"So, putting up with a writer might work out?" Seeing her smile, he asked, "You really didn't mind having to entertain yourself for most of the day?"

"No. You don't need to worry about it. I haven't had an entire afternoon to spend lost in a good book for a long time. And I got in a little creepy staring of my own a couple of times, watching you writing what will probably be another best-seller that I'll be able to read later."

"I missed catching you staring at me?" he whined disappointedly, and she grinned at him.

"I'll do it again sometime when you're paying attention.

"Promise?"

She nodded, and they both smiled and went back to their dinner without feeling the need for more conversation.

After the kitchen was put back in order, Castle suggested, "Why don't we sit on our bench out back and enjoy the ocean again?"

"It's already 'our bench'?"

"It is in my head."

"Then let's go watch the ocean on our bench," she agreed as she reached for his hand.

They sat for a while, in the same positions as the night before, talking about inconsequential things until it was nearly dark.

"Could we walk a little way down the beach?" Kate asked, "We've both been sitting most of the day."

Castle stood and offered her his hand. "Anything you want."

"Just a walk on the beach, Castle. That's all I need."

They wandered down the sand at a leisurely pace, staying on the flat, wet part of the sand but away from the water.

"I like being with you," he said suddenly, and she looked up at him with curiosity. "It's more than that," he continued. "I feel…at home when I'm with you." Pausing without looking at her, he closed his eyes with a nervous look as he asked, "Was that too much? Did I just make you want to run again?"

It worried him when she took her hand from his, and he opened his eyes to gauge the damage he might have done. When he realized she had moved her hand only to allow her to slide her arm around his waist, relief washed in like the waves they were skirting.

"I feel at home with you, too…and it scares me half to death," she admitted. He put his arm around her shoulders; and, in spite of her proclaimed fear, she leaned her head on his shoulder as they walked.

"Alexis and I used to take walks like this. Sometimes I'd take her out about this time of day when she was little…usually to wear her out so she'd sleep. I can still see her excited little three year old self stomping at the edge of the water and squealing with excitement when a wave splashed over her feet."

"And when she's here now? Do you still take evening walks? Does she still get excited about the beach?"

"Sometimes. Not as often. But she still likes the beach." He looked over at her and squeezed her shoulder. "Most women don't bother to ask things like that…aren't the least bit interested in Alexis."

"I don't even know how to answer that. She's your child. One conversation is all it takes to see how important she is to you."

"Very few of them ever met her. That was the litmus test. There had to be some unsolicited concern for her…more than once."

"Did Meredith come with you on your walks?"

"Meredith wasn't around that long. We were divorced before I bought this place. It was a once in a lifetime deal, and I bought it with the proceeds of the next best-seller after the divorce. I've brought Alexis here with me for the summer every year…until this one."

"So her mother was gone by the time she was three?"

"And didn't seem to give us a second thought for a while." He took a deep breath, deciding Kate should know. "She cheated on me. I caught them. Her director…in my own home, while she should have been spending time with our daughter."

Kate held his waist tighter and leaned closer to him, seeming protective. "That had to have hurt."

"When she left and followed the other man to California, it was a relief. I didn't have to decide how to throw her out. I was handling almost all of the parenting responsibilities anyway, and she didn't make any attempt to gain custody. So when she was gone, I had my little girl to myself without the distraction of the arguments or the constant going and coming 'because she was bored', or the frequent auditions, or the whining that we never had fun anymore. Home was a much more peaceful place. But Alexis cried for her…asking for Mommy. That hurt, too."

"And Gina?"

"I was lonely. We got along well working together, had interests in common, gradually got closer…then a lot closer. She understood about Alexis…had already been around her enough that Alexis was familiar with her. It felt like the right next step at the time. I may have married her as much for Alexis to have a stable woman in her life as I did for myself…still not sure about that. I don't think she was ever happy with the real me…the dad who needed time with his daughter, had toys, played video games. It was as if she'd started believing the hype she and Paula had created for me and was disappointed with the real thing. By the time it was over, Gina and I argued about everything…especially the books and the writing. It wasn't healthy for any of us."

"Were she and Alexis close?"

"She didn't have a raging desire for motherhood, but she was good to Alexis. I never let her get too close, though. Maybe I could feel that it wasn't going to last, or maybe I just didn't want to let Gina into our bubble. I don't know. Either way, some of the blame is mine. I've never let a woman get too close to Alexis."

Kate seemed surprised. "But you moved me into the loft and barely warned her. You've always let me…"

"Says a lot, doesn't it? I trusted you with my child, my family, almost as soon as I knew you. You're the only one I've trusted that much. The only other woman who's been in my home more than a time or two is Gina, and I married her."

"Castle… I…"

"You don't have to answer. But, since we're being uncommonly honest, I thought you should know."

She wrapped her other arm around his waist for a few steps and said, "Thank you."

"Enough about my marriage fiascos. Tell me about your childhood, Beckett."

"It was great. I had two parents who loved each other and loved me…in spite of my stubborn streak."

"You, Beckett?! A stubborn streak?" he asked feigning surprise.

She bumped him with her hip and grinned at him.

"I had the whole family experience. Stable family. Nice apartment in Manhattan. Not nearly as big as yours, but very comfortable…two successful lawyers for parents. Never got everything I wanted but probably had more than I needed. Never lacked for anything. Lots of encouragement. Vacations together. My childhood was happy."

"I always wanted that. Two parents, a place of our own, siblings, a dog. I wanted to give that to Alexis, but it never worked out."

"I had a storybook childhood. And I took it all for granted until I was in college and lost Mom, and then lost Dad for a while."

"It had to be hard to lose all that."

"Must have been hard to want it so much and not be able to have it, too."

"Do you want that for yourself…some day?"

"I think about it now and then," she admitted.

"Do you want children?"

"Not now. Maybe sometime in the future. This isn't a good job for a parent, though. I wouldn't want to leave a young child to go through what I did."

"Police officers have kids all the time."

"Which is why there's a fund for widows and orphans. It's something I have to consider."

"I can see that," he conceded.

"Alexis graduates soon. You don't want more children, do you?"

"Under the right circumstances, I wouldn't mind. I loved being a dad….probably would again."

"What would the right circumstances be?"

"A wife to share the parenting with me, to feel certain that we would be a family our child could count on…someone I could grow old with, enjoy grandchildren with. I wouldn't want to be a single parent again."

They were quiet after that statement, both seeming to need time to process that last piece of conversation; and after they had walked a little farther, Castle suggested turning back. When they separated and turned back toward the house, Kate reached out and took his hand.

"Did you ever want to look for your dad?" she asked after a long moment.

"Now and then. He was never a part of my life, though. It's hard to miss something you never had."

"But you did?"

"The family thing again. When I was in school, everybody I knew at least knew where the other parent was living."

"Your mother never told you who he is?"

"She says she doesn't know his name…says she fell in love that night and he was gone in the morning. I've never known if it's true or not. It wasn't easy for her to take care of me alone without much of an income, but she did. And she loved me…in spite of my mischievous nature."

"You?! Mischievous?" she asked with a grin. "Does that translate 'I was always in trouble'?"

"Maybe," he answered, moving his hand to tug gently on her hair in retaliation. "I wasn't a bad kid, but I did get into mischief sometimes. I was always curious."

"Always had to touch things?" she teased.

"I still like to touch things," he answered, wiggling his eyebrows as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder again, tickling her upper arm; and she laughed.

"Tell me about your childhood," she said, slipping her arm back around his waist.

"It wasn't the storybook variety like yours, but not unhappy. I always knew I was loved unconditionally. Small children don't know that other people might have easier lives. They live the one they have and assume that's how everybody else lives, too. We had very small apartments, as a result of very small income. Mother spent as much time with me as she could, but she worked long hours, sometimes two jobs, to keep us afloat. The small parts she could get in shows would replace one job until the show ran its course…usually not too long back then; so there were lots of babysitters from the cast and crew, or other aspiring actresses who weren't working, etc. A few of them had kids I could play with. That was always fun. I spent a lot of time backstage when I was younger. Lots of time in the library when I was older. Mother was married a couple of times, so there were stepfathers, one in sixth grade, and one in high school. I was lucky enough that I could peacefully co-exist with both them; but neither of them lasted long. We moved a lot. I was the new kid in too many schools."

"I've never seen any of that in your bios."

"And you won't. Paula knows my childhood is off-limits. When Mother's acting began to attract attention, there were questions. I was obviously hers, and she had to explain the history behind that; but she skirted the issue with reporters. So what's known is that I never knew my father. The story is out there in the theater circles, but it won't be dredged it up for Mother to re-live because of me," he stated firmly. "Once was enough. She fought the odds and won, and she deserves to enjoy the victorious end of the journey. It isn't of much consequence now, but I still…"

"Want to protect her?"

"Yes."

"Did she ever talk to you about your father?"

Castle huffed a little laugh. "I was in kindergarten before I realized that the other kids knew who their fathers were, even if they didn't live with them. The next year the 'You don't have a father.' answer didn't fly anymore after another first-grader told me, with great conviction, that you had to have a father or you couldn't be born."

"Quite a revelation, I'd guess."

"I confronted her, and Mother's story changed to 'He left and he won't be back. We don't need him.'; and when I brought it up again a couple of years later, she finally said she didn't know his name. Later, when I was old enough to fully understand what that meant, especially in the late sixties and early seventies, it was a whole new kind of revelation. Then I began to remember comments neighbors had made behind her back when they thought I wasn't paying attention. The world wasn't as forgiving a place for an unmarried mother in those days. To have a child out of wedlock was still socially unacceptable in most families back then. But not to be able to identify the father…"

"That must have been hard for you, too. I know how much you love her." She put her free hand comfortingly over the hand he had on her shoulder, and he looked at her appreciatively.

"I've never told anybody all of that."

"Why me?"

"If I want you to trust me with everything, I have to reciprocate."

"You don't let people in either, do you?" she asked, with a look of sudden understanding. "You mention dating, and marriages, and embarrassing situations, and things you enjoy; and you give the impression that your life is an open book. You aren't as obvious about it as I am, but you hide your feelings away the same way I do."

"You must be a detective," he responded with a little smirk.

She smiled up at him and tucked herself a little closer; and they walked a bit farther before the silence was broken.

"How did you handle the…um…revelations about Martha?"

"I kept it to myself with Mother. I didn't want her to know the things I had heard. A month or so into junior high, I was learning to fight. It wasn't all the time, but there were remarks about her sometimes…mostly teenagers in our neighborhood, who had probably heard remarks from their parents. Mother and I only had each other, so there wasn't anybody else to stand up for her. A couple of the boys who liked causing trouble pushed me pretty hard when they needed a target, and various forms of the word 'bastard" were thrown in my direction now and then…mostly in the locker room or on the way home from school where it was easier to get away with it. I'd always make up another reason for the fight when Mother asked. I don't know if she knew or not, probably guessed sooner or later; but I never told her. After I hit puberty, I didn't have to fight much. I was suddenly a lot bigger than most of the others, and they already knew I could hold my own even when I was smaller. Fortunately for Mother, she was in the theater community where people were generally more accepting. Times changed, and the social outlook changed with it. And the gradual acquisition of wealth and fame, has always seemed to move a person's status from socially unacceptable to eccentric and interesting. Things eventually started moving her way, and she seemed happy."

"But how did you handle it personally?"

"She's my mother…my only family. I loved her as unconditionally as she loved me, and it hurt to watch. She never made me feel like a burden…except when I got into trouble, and then I got the full treatment. But I knew I was the reason she had to put up with all that. I knew having me made her life harder. Her family cut all ties to her because of me. They should be my family, too, but I don't even know them. Multiple jobs, lack of sleep, fighting twice as hard for the career she wanted…"

"Stop," Kate said firmly.

He did. Surprised by her demand, he stopped in his tracks, and she turned to him and looked him in the eye forcefully.

"Stop blaming yourself."

Oh, that's what she meant. He quickly understood that she was defending him, from himself. She looked like a mama bear…and it was for him. Well, that was another revelation.

"You weren't the reason for all that," she stated with no uncertainty.

"How can…"

"It was your mother's decisions that put her in that position."

"Beckett…" He looked angry.

"Please, hear me out before you get too angry. Have you ever talked to your mother about that idea? It was her decision that she liked, or loved, your father enough to want to be with him. It was her decision that she didn't want to give her child away to somebody else. It was her decision that she loved you, and that you were important enough to her to make it hard for herself in order to have you. And she made those decisions knowing those comments would happen. She was a tough, brave woman, Rick; and you were a well-loved little boy." She rested her hands gently on his chest. "You should stop blaming yourself. Think about it, Castle. Put yourself in her place. Would you want Alexis to go through her life blaming herself for your choices? You need to let yourself off the hook at least a little bit. The two of you like to give each other a hard time, but I'll bet your mother would be horrified if she knew you've been living with all that guilt."

He pulled her into his arms and buried his face against her neck, leaving a little kiss there; and she wrapped her arms around his waist, holding him protectively.

"Kate," he whispered, and then seemed at a loss for words.

"What else are you hiding in there behind that easy-going, positive personality? And how do we take two people as closed off as we are and make a healthy relationship out of them?"

He lifted his head and kissed her softly. "We've been open with each other so far…something we hadn't done until now. Isn't that a good sign?"

"Maybe it is. So, should we be more scared or less?"

"Could we settle on hopeful instead?"

"Hopeful. Yeah. We can try for hopeful."

"That's my house," he said, pointing it out. "We're almost there. How about a movie? A comedy, maybe? Heavy subject matter on this walk."

"Sure. Your choice. Race you back?"

Castle counted to three, and they took off, laughing like children and releasing the lingering effect of the emotional conversation into the ocean breeze.