3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Once in the car, they were silent for a few minutes as Castle pulled out into the traffic and took stock of how bad it was. The silence felt a little awkward, and he finally broke it by saying, "Once we inch our way out of Manhattan, it should be a little better."

"Shall I start looking for a radio station?" Kate asked, her response mischievous with a touch of nervous mixed in. That relaxed the atmosphere a bit, and they both made an effort toward their normal banter, finally settling on music about the time the traffic eased slightly.

After a couple of false starts, Castle asked, "Why did you start seeing Demming, Kate? What was it about him that attracted you to him rather than me? I need to understand."

She turned down the volume on the radio and seemed to take a moment to think as she looked out the window, not at Castle. "I was being selfish, and I'm not proud of what I did. It was easy with him. He made it clear he was interested in me. I liked him. He was a nice guy, easy to be around, somebody whose company I could enjoy without worrying about it. We hadn't been together long enough to talk about any kind of commitments, hadn't been out all that often; so either of us could end it whenever we wanted. He was safe." There was a small pause. "My heart was safe."

"Your heart was safe?"

"Yeah," she answered quietly.

"I thought you said you trust me. Did you think your heart wouldn't be safe with me?" That thought hurt him enough that it was visible on his face.

A tear trickled down Kate's cheek, and she turned to him and reached out to cover his hand with hers as he drove. "I trust you more than I've trusted anybody since my mom died. That's why it isn't easy with you. Except Montgomery, every man I've trusted since then, has let me down badly in one way or another, and it scares me to trust like that again."

"And you don't think you can trust me not to let you down, too?"

"Somewhere deep down, I think I can; but I'm afraid to trust my own judgment anymore. My track record isn't so good there." She took a breath, seeming to gather courage. "I've heard you talk about your flings, and ex-sex, and watched the ogling and flirting and the models and starlets and society people with you on page six. I can't compete with women like that, and… I don't know, Castle. We work so well together, and you're such a good friend. I don't want to lose that. I like working with you, spending time with you; but you scare me. If Tom disappointed me, I'd bounce back without a problem. If I discovered I couldn't trust you…"

Castle glanced at her in time to catch a fleeting glimpse of another tear as she looked away to try to hide it. Keeping his eyes on the road in deference to her hidden tears, he took her hand and brought it to his chest as he explained, "Kate, the girlfriend I thought I'd marry left me, and two wives left me; but none of that was because I cheated. I'll probably always flirt, but that's all it would amount to; I keep my commitments. They left because I wasn't what they needed, or wanted…or something; and that's left its mark, so you scare me, too. I don't want to lose what we have, either; but I want it to be more. Just wanting to take you to bed was over a long time ago. You're so much more than that to me." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and assured her, "And there's no competition between you and the models or anyone else. You'd win, hands down, any time."

She laced her fingers with his and swiped her other hand quickly across her face before looking at him. "I'm sorry they let you down…and that I did. We're quite a pair, aren't we?"

"Think we can figure it out together? We make a pretty good team."

"Maybe."

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently before resting their joined hands on the console between them, and the silence that followed for the next leg of their journey was much more comfortable. It gave him hope.

As they drove farther away from the city, Castle began to hum along with the radio. Later he was softly singing along, Kate soon joining in. Before long, they became the old Castle and Beckett again, laughing and teasing about who sounded best; and by the time they were close enough to their destination to see the ocean, they were no longer so hesitant with each other. Castle called ahead to one of the little mom and pop places he had mentioned earlier and ordered a meal for them to take to his house, stopping at the little restaurant only long enough for him to run inside and pick up their dinner.

When they arrived at Castle's beach house, the tension returned, though not to the same degree as when they started the trip.

"This is yours?" Kate breathed out quietly when he parked in front of his house. "It's beautiful…and huge, but it looks…"

"What? Pretentious?" Castle asked good-naturedly.

"Welcoming?" she answered with a shrug, as if she weren't sure why she decided on that description.

"Good. Because it can't wait to meet you, and I want you to be good friends. You get the food. I'll get the bags." He chose the house key on his key ring and handed it to her. "Here. Go on in and look around. The kitchen is on the left. I'll be right behind you."

Kate nervously unlocked the door, leaving it slightly ajar to make it easier for Castle to get in with their luggage, and was putting the food on the kitchen counter when he came in. He left the bags on the floor near the front door and joined Kate in the kitchen.

"I feel a little bit out of my element," she admitted.

"This weekend is for relaxing and getting to know each other better. This is part of who I am, Kate. I want you to feel comfortable with it."

"Sometimes I forget how much you have. And I have to wonder why you would be interested in me. You have so many other choices."

"I like that you forget how much I have. Not many women I've met do. Some of them wouldn't be interested in me at all if not for the money. It's made me a better man to work with your team. You and the boys only think about the money now and then, expect me to earn my place, pull my own weight and keep up with the team…no rich guy favors. And I like that you see me as Castle, not Richard Castle, famous playboy author. You let me be myself. And apart from an occasional moment of Castle induced insanity, you don't seem to mind so much anymore."

"Well, I hope you left Richard Castle, famous playboy author, back in the city. I'm here to spend the weekend with Castle…maybe Rick."

"I'd like being Rick to your Kate," he answered with a soft smile. "But I'd miss being Castle part of the time, too."

"And I'd miss hearing you call me Beckett."

He wanted her to call him Rick… softly, as if he were the only man she wanted for the rest of her life…while they… No. Too soon. Fighting the urge to kiss her, he changed the subject. "So, would you like the grand tour, or shall we eat first?"

"Food, Castle. Let's eat."

He pointed at a cabinet door. "Glasses are right there, plates in the one to the right. I'll get the wine and the silverware."

The table was set in no time and they both realized how hungry they were. In the stress of the afternoon, party rations were the last thing they'd eaten, and it was nearly dark.

"Eating first was a good choice. I didn't realize I was this hungry," Castle said between bites.

"I didn't realize I was, either, until you brought it to the car and I smelled it. This is so good."

"I had the kitchen stocked and called on the way from Gina's to have your room made up. I'll take the bags upstairs when we're finished. We can start the tour there. Are you almost ready for dessert?"

"No. If I finish this, I'm done for a little while. Dessert after the tour?"

"Sure."

After clearing the table, Castle got the bags and Kate followed him up the stairs. He left his next to his room and took Kate's to another room a couple of doors down the hall.

"You have your own bathroom, so you don't have to worry about bumping into me on the way in or out. Complete privacy. And when you wake up in the morning, you'll see the beach. It's too dark to see much now, but it's a beautiful view."

"Thank you. I don't deserve all this consideration and understanding, but thank you. It means a lot."

"Always." He took her hand…that seemed to be acceptable so far, and asked, "Ready for the tour?"

"Sure. Impress me."

He didn't release her hand, and she didn't try to separate from him; so he showed her the bedrooms, including his, before leading her down the stairs…still holding her hand as if she might disappear if he let go. They started in the living room, followed by his study.

"Is this where I get to stare at you while you work?"

"You don't think you'll be able to keep your eyes off me?" he teased.

"We'll see. Don't get too full of yourself yet," she answered as she peeked into the study. "You have almost as many books here as you do at home." she observed and asked mischievously, "Have you read all of them?

"I rarely put one on the shelf if I haven't read it."

"Impressive. I like that they aren't just for show."

"And I like impressing you," he answered as they moved to the next room. "This is the game room. It was a playroom for Alexis when she was little. We gradually added the game table and the video games as she got older, but the board games are still in the closet. We still get them out now and then." Pointing to his left, he said, "This goes to the laundry room. There's a changing space there and a door that opens to the back yard. Convenient when our clothes are full of sand or salt water. The beach is great, but it has a few inconveniences."

"Totally worth it, though," Kate answered.

"You can't see much tonight, but would you like to walk down closer to the water? I'll show you the pool tomorrow."

"I love hearing the ocean. It's…relaxing."

"Then come on. You need relaxing. There are a couple of benches out back. We'll walk down close enough to see what we can without getting wet, and then we can sit out here for a while and just listen."

He finally released her hand, opened the door near the kitchen for her, and followed her out. The sound of the waves rolling up on the shore increased on being outside, and the ocean breeze ruffled Kate's hair. When they reached the edge of the sand, she sighed and closed her eyes, a peaceful look on her face.

Castle couldn't help himself. He put an arm around her shoulders and dropped a little kiss on her head. "Kate, Beckett," he said softly, "I don't think I've ever seen you look this content."

"I'd forgotten it was possible," she answered, looking up at him before leaning her head against his shoulder.

They stood that way for a few minutes, enjoying the ocean and the moment, and then walked back to one of the benches and sat down together. Encouraged by the fact that she had voluntarily leaned her head on his shoulder, Castle sat down and stretched an arm over the back of the bench in invitation and wrapped it around her shoulders when she sat beside him; and she again leaned against him. They sat for a while, doing nothing more than enjoying the absence of distractions and the possibility of being called in. He eventually voiced his curiosity.

"We've both been uncommonly honest today. I know why I was. What was your excuse?" he asked gently.

"Esposito said you might not want to stick around and have to watch me with another man. Montgomery said something about the case reminding him how short life can be…that it makes you realize you need to say the things you want to say while you still can."

"That's why you broke it off with Demming?"

Kate nodded. "There were things I needed to say to you…and I needed to be free to say them. Lanie made me promise I wouldn't miss another chance with you if I got one. Then she staged her intervention to make it happen. I thought I had waited too long and ruined us."

"We have good friends."

"We do," she agreed "I was afraid I might never see you again. Why did you bother to come back and give me another chance?"

"Because I think there's something between us that's worth fighting for," he admitted, absent-mindedly drawing small random patterns on her upper arm with his fingertips. "And there were things I needed to say, too. I think we've said some of the most important ones. You look exhausted. Want to table the rest until tomorrow?"

He felt her nod against his shoulder just before answering, "Please?"

"Then, may I see you to your door, M'Lady?" He stood and held out his arm, and she stood and took it as if they were leaving in tuxedo and ball gown.

"Thank you, kind sir. Chivalry is not dead."

"Not here. A gentleman should always see his lady home safely."

When they reached Kate's bedroom door, Castle put his arms around her and kissed her head again. In flats instead of the tall heels she usually wore, her head was in the perfect place for kissing; and he loved being allowed to do that. He thought she seemed to like it, too. It felt right.

She responded by standing on tiptoe and kissing his cheek, lingering a tiny moment longer than necessary, and he began to back away toward his room.

"Thank you for the separate room…for understanding."

"I told you …no pressure. My bed and I will be more than happy to have you any time you're ready, but that isn't the reason for this trip. I'd like to think we'll end the trip wanting to be ready sometime soon, though."

"This weekend seems wrong for that. We both planned to spend it with somebody else. It kind of feels like…bedhopping…without the other beds. And we hurt two other people to be here. I hurt three, and I really hate that it included you."

"I think it was four, Kate. It doesn't look like you escaped unscathed, either."

"I guess not," she agreed, then added hesitantly. "And, since we're being uncommonly honest today… Your bed… I think I've been ready for that for a while…just too stubborn to admit it to myself. So…the next time I'm here…when I come back to visit later… "

"If you say anything else like that, there may be a murder."

"You'd kill me? For being honest?" she asked with mock seriousness.

"Of course not. Not you."

"Then who's your victim?"

"Chivalry…in the study, with the candlestick…or whatever blunt object I can find."

He couldn't stop himself any longer. He walked back and planted a teasing kiss on her lips around their easy grins and leaned back in for one extra; then he backed away, pointing to his room with his signature smirk, and picked up his large duffel bag, which was still in the hallway near his door. "Until tomorrow, Detective."

"Until tomorrow, Rick."

This was who they were together when they set their minds to it…capable of accomplishing things effectively while merging serious, sincere, and silly into a single short moment of conversation. They both smiled as they went into their separate rooms, a lot more comfortable with their situation than they had expected to be so early in their trip.