chapter fourteen | realizations to revelations

Birds were happily chirping outside, heard some millenials laughing together with their friends while going to their errands, but here I am stirring the cup of coffee I'm holding with a frown as the sun rose up.

Actually, it's not a frown.

It's the face we make when people piss the hell out of us early in the morning.

It's the face that everyone would be scared enought to approach you again, or something.

Let me tell you the reason why I am spending my morning, maybe that will last until the duration of the day, like this.

I couldn't even sleep last night for many reasons. First, the late night email. Second, realizations that may be considered as assumptions. My brain and heart's beem fighting about it, and it's slowly killing me. Third, I didn't got enough sleep.

You would know how a person could act if he/she lacks sleep.

Breaking the buzzing of my thoughts, I drank my coffee and emptied the cup in one drinking. Don't worry about me having a burnt tongue or throat, it was already cold for I was stirring it for the past few minutes since I woke up and prepared it.

The things I do for you and the things you do for me. The effect of taking you is so strong that I become so weak at the end. You.

I went upstairs in a stomping manner like a little kid. Sighing in frustration, I plopped myself on my bed, face first. Grabbing a pillow and placing it on my face, I screamed at it for a few seconds.

I've been constantly checking my phone in hopes of a notification from you. But you didn't. When I was at the point of accepting myself as a failure of maintaining people's happiness, that's when you came back. You came back in the process of my healing. You came back slowly destroying what I've already built up piece by piece. Why.

Is it just me or my overreacting heart's so loud that I'm showing what it feels right now?

I did some breathing exercise that I've learnt on my private yoga lessons as I sat up in bed. After doing so, I heard my phone buzz, signalling a notification.

Getting it from the nightstand, it was a notification from the least expected. An email notification.

My heart and brain were fighting if I should open it or not. I'm scared and nervous but at the same time, I wanted to see the email. Suddenly, I remembered the rules.

Rule 1: Remember that I'm always looking at you. No matter where you are, I'll always be looking at you.

Yeah, but last night it felt real. It felt that real and alive eyes were looking at me. But, I don't to assume that it's you.

Rule 2: Always do the objectives of each email. This isn't going to be the only email that you're going to receive, there will be plenty more.

Yeah, you said there will be plenty more but you left me hanging for weeks. Oh, and kamsamnida for the objectives, I really enjoyed them.

Rule 3: No backing out. Yes is a yes.

I was at the verge to do so but then I remembered everything.

Rule 4: Don't be scared to do the objectives. You'll get the puzzle pieces, piece by piece, email by email.

I'm looking foward on doing the objectives everytime I receive an email from you. These objectives taught me how to build up my self love more and my independence to be stronger and more matured.

After thinking about the rules, I tapped the email. This better be good.

From: unknown123

"Email six.

Greetings for the sixth and maybe the last time.

First of all, mianhae. Mianhae for leaving all of a sudden. Something came up here in heaven that I had to take a little vacation from email. They sometimes have a slow wifi connection here and my guardian angel confiscated my phone. Just kidding.

I silently laughed at this ghost's goofiness. It made me forget that she left me hanging for weeks. Damn.

Enough of that stuff but hey, I'm sorry. Really. So, this may be the last email. Shocking news, right? I know you've been realizing and thinking about stuff. I guess it's finally time to know the person behind this emails, for you to know who I was before dying. Séance at its finest.

My heart was already speeding up at 1000 km/hour as I scrolled at the said email. Is this really going to be the last one? What does she mean by that? Am I really going to know her name? What if I find out that I really know her way back then? Is it really today the day? I have so many questions inside my head as I massaged my temples.

Your realizations will soon be revelations so here's your sixth email objectives:

Okay, here we go.

• Visit the school you've attended in college. You have your alumni's card with you so don't worry about the thought of you not going to be allowed to go inside.

• Go to the building on the right side. The one with the two trees at the entrance. Just walk along the hallways and think as if you're still a college student. You may take that as a clue.

• Go to the main building. Visit the art room and the examination room. You might remember things from there :)

• Next, go to the school's main library and ask for the yearbook of batch 2017. Yep, your yearbook. I was accelerated, in case you'll be wondering later.

• Go to page 27, row three and third student.

Thank you for sticking around, Jennie Ruby Jane Kim. Goodbye and I love you.

Unknown123 signing off."

My heart sank at the last words of this email sender. I can't believe this is all happening to me now. My questions will be all answered now. Oh my God.

I prepared for my day by showering and all, until I found myself locking the front door behind me and staring blankly at the taxi's window.

----

As soon as I went out of the cab, nostalgia greeted me.

It felt like the same scenario upon my first day in college way back in 2013.

I went towards the gate and I grabbed my alumni's card. I scanned it and it granted my request to be inside the campus. There were some people inside but were a few for it was summer vacation.

When I was about to go in, I bumped into someone and I was too astonished to the university to know who it was but it's still a black figure. And I felt the thunder-like connection

"Nefertari Kim!" Someone said. It was sunsaengnim Hanjun, the guard who's friends with everyone here but it seemed like I was his favorite.

"Sunsaengnim Hanjun! Good to see you again." I greeted him back and he made a salute gesture and went back to his work.

As always, he's still tall and I guess he kept growing taller as years pass.

I looked around the university until I saw the building that had two trees on the outside as a design.

This is the photography majors' department.

Don't tell me she's a photography major.

I went to the said building and roamed around. She's right, it made me feel like I'm still a college student.

There's this one person I'm thinking about that may be the ghost but I need to verify it first by following the sixth email objectives.

Being the stupid person that I am, I kept on forgetting her name because of her odd last name. And that alone made my heart flutter because I consider her my first real crush.

Okay, first sixth email objective done. Check, she's a photography major.

Next, I went to the main building and went straight to the art room. As expected it was full of artistic masterpieces by students and other people. I remembered way back in grade school, someone had brought me to an art room and she showed me her favorite painting. That's why I was certain that the painting at the museum was the one.

70% verified. More to go.

I also went to the examination room and another wave of nostalgia hit me. I remembered singing Frankie Valli's hit from the 60s during my freshman year before taking the midterms exam. And to the fact that someone has heard me, I saw her that day. It was my first real crush again.

80% verified.

Lastly, I went to the main library of the university. I used to hangout here all by myself when I still hadn't met Zoe yet. I was a loner at first, though.

"Excuse me, ahjumma." I said the old lady as I went to the information desk of the library. "Yes, may I help you?"

"May I borrow the yearbook of the batch 2017?" My heart began to beat fast.

"Pretty lady, you're inluck." She smiled at me and grabbed the yearbook behind her. "Someone borrowed it earlier and I was about to return it to the shelves. Here you go."

I grabbed the yearbook and slightly bowed at her. "Kamsamnida."

She smiled back and I went to the tables and took a seat. There, I slowly ran my hands onto the hard cover of the yearbook as I remember graduating from this alma mater.

I opened the yearbook and saw some familiar faces. From the marketing department, I saw my cousin, Aziel. We're just the same age but I was used to calling him oppa as he was acting as my older brother as well.

It was all fun and games until I reached page 27. I closed my eyes and I knew that all of my realizations will soon turn into revelations once I open my eyes. I sighed and wooh, here we go.

Row three: Photography Department.

I saw an unfamiliar person at the first pic. The second picture was captioned as Zoe Chen. And the third picture..

She had a wonderful hair color matched with bangs that complimented her face and her doll eyes. I finally remembered her name and my heart sank while beating so damn fast. 100% verified.

Piper Celine Walker, my first real crush.

Tears streamed down my face as all of my realizations turned into revelations. That's why I felt so close interacting with a fucking ghost. After all this time, she was all the reason behind every greeting and email objectives. The reason why all of my days seemed to be complete just by receieving an email from her. The reason of everything that's happening to my life. Piper Walker.

And, she's already dead?!

I sat up all of a sudden which got the ahjumma shocked. I gave her the yearbook and muttered a little thank you before rushing out of the library as sobs came out of my mouth.

"Same reaction from the first one who borrowed the yearbook." Said the ahjumma and shook her head. "Kids nowadays."

I walked and walked until I finally reached the exit of the school.

I need to find her.

I will never ever believe that she's dead now. I'm really sure that she was the one who's looking at me during the concert and the one who's Alice and some of the girls were talking to at the backstage.

Tears were still streaming down my face as I sat down on one bench. I still can't seem to process it. All of these things.

I calmed down a little when someone offered me a handkerchief. "Kamsamnida."

I didn't look at the person but when I did, she was already walking away from me. I felt the urge to walk after her because I know it was her. See, she's not dead. Or I don't know.

"Gidaridayo!" I shouted but she walked faster and faster. "Piper, I know it's you!"

I walked after her, in hopes of chasing her but she had dispersed to the large crowd of people, losing the biggest of hope that I had in an instant. Still, my eyes searched for that tall figure that belonged to my first love, who had a yellow hoodie from earlier but tears formed inside my eyes, blurring my vision. Also, the vision to reality.

Thank you for sticking around, Ruby Nefertari Kim. Goodbye and I love you.