Naming Frustrations and Tutorial Schmemorial

"Five minutes remaining."

I abruptly open my eyes and jolt to action when I hear the sound of an artificial voice blaring loudly into my earholes.

It sounded like one of those voices you would hear in one of those dystopian movies when they are about to announce the upcoming murder of hundreds of people or something. Very robotic and lacking in inflection or tone, also kinda creepy.

I crawl in panic as my hands touch a surface of some kind that is not my bed. That's right, I should be in my bed, but as far as I can tell, I'm, I'm... I don't know where I am! Where am I?

Everything around me is just pure black, not like black, black, just black. I can still see my hands and everything, but everything is just black.

I scramble to my feet by pushing off the black textureless ground with my hands. I quickly do a three-sixty turn around the room to assess my surroundings and see whether I'm in any danger without a second thought... or any forward-thinking for that matter.

In my state of hyperfocus, I fail to guess that a big rectangular screen thingy would pop up in my face! As a result, I end up jump-scared at its random appearance and fall onto my butt.

Not my finest moment, I will admit, but it's not like anyone is watching, so who cares. This line of thought leaves my head as quickly as it came as I get distracted by the screen thingy floating in front of me.

It looks like a selection menu that you would see in one of the VR games I have played. The screen is black with white text. On the screen are the words "Choose your name" and a rectangular box underneath it with a small vertical line blinking in and out of view, just like a cursor you would see while typing. There is also a golden confirm button under the rectangular box. Whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, I know what it means, but the situation is a little ridiculous!

Am I dreaming?

I get back onto my feet and look towards the screen. It's the only thing I can see in this empty, black room of emptiness... other than myself, of course.

Uhh... I'm supposed to say my name, right?

"Marcus Griff," I state out loud, hoping for some sort of response while I walk up to the screen.

As I move, I see the words "Marcus Griff" type themselves into the rectangular box.

I mean, it looks good to me, so I move my finger to press on the big fat confirm button. Strangely enough, I feel a sensation on my finger when I press the button. I don't know how to describe it; it's not like anything I have ever felt before, it's kinda like pushing into water, but it's solid.

The screen lightens up, and I see the words "Processing name" with a circle moving around itself like a loading symbol underneath it. It does not take long for it to tell me "No spaces allowed." with a green "OK" popping up.

I press "OK" and shake my head in confusion. The screen goes back to the original layout. I then say "MarcusGriff" as fast as I can, to maybe trick the screen into typing what I want, and it does. I see "MarcusGriff" get typed into the box, so I press "Confirm."

"Processing name" once again shows up with the loading circle and... "10 character limit."

"I'm sorry?" My words come out sounding all offended. I then press the "OK" and say "Marcus" when the box shows up again. Then I hit confirm.

Loading... "Name already taken"...

...Is this really the worst nightmare I could think of...? I shake my head in exasperation and sigh. I then go back through the steps and say, "Griff."

Loading, again... "Name already taken"...

I rub my palm into my face in mild frustration and press "OK."

"MG," I cross my fingers together without even thinking about it. "Confirm."

"Name already taken"...

"Mmmmmm..." I groan audibly

I sigh once again before stopping to think once again. I press "OK" and say "Magr."

That's a pretty unique name. I bet no one has already taken that one. I then press "Confirm" after gloating.

It processes the name... "Name already taken"...

"Of course, it is! I didn't expect anything else! Why would I!" I let loose my frustrations into the black void of nothingness.

Well, if my name won't work, let's just play around with some appealing options, like Wolfgang.

I press "OK" and then say "Wolfgang." I anticipate that the name is already taken, but it doesn't hurt trying.

"Name already taken"...

Yup, yup, yup, already, knew that. Saw that one coming like a fortune teller. I then press "OK."

The mechanical voice rings in my ear, telling me, "2 minutes remaining."

I scoff aloud, "Or what? You'll name me, for me? Do it, no balls."

I get no response. I scratch my head in confusion as I think of names, but I can't think of anything I don't believe will already be taken.

"Uhh, Margri, no too feminine... Ah what the hell, Margri!" I shout out.

"Name already taken"...

I don't say anything; I don't even think anything. I just press "OK."

"GriffnLord."

"Name already taken"...

"One."

"Can't name yourself after numbers"...

That's a new one.

"MasterOne."

"Name already taken"...

I think for a bit longer.

"Tooth...Fairy"

I see "Tooth Fairy" type into the box, but I don't even think about it and just press "Confirm."

Processing Name... "No spaces allowed"...

I press "OK" absentmindedly and then yell "No!" when I realize what happened. I had to count how many characters there were in "Tooth Fairy," and that's why I paused.

"No" is typed into the box, and my brain processes it this time. "NO!"

"Confirm?" The robotic voice rings in my ear.

"NO!" I yell again.

"Confirmed" Processing Name... "Name already taken"...

"SINCE WHEN DID 'NO' MEAN CONFIRM!" I shout in anger.

I don't usually get angry. Maybe this is because it's just a dream. Whatever, calm down. It's just frustrating.

I stand in silence as I try to think of names. Eventually, I say some random ones like Kiytos, Vlaytis, Gidry, and Ippissisis, but somehow those were all taken as well. I don't even know if they mean anything or if someone has already been through this situation.

"1 minute remaining. Choose a name. Failure to comply will result in expulsion." I once again hear the good ol' ring of the robotic voice in my ear, but its warning leaves me in a sudden cold sweat.

"One minute until I explode! WHAT! UHH... TURDNUGGET, CONFIRM."

"Name already taken"...

Bruh.

"GarySnail!"

"Name already taken"...

"Yippiekiyay"

"10 character limit"...

"Uhh"

The Name "Uhh" is typed in, and I just confirm.

"Name already taken"...

"BitchFace!"

Processing name... "Name already taken"...

What the fuck do you mean BitchFace is already taken! BitchFace my ass! Yeah, like I wanted to be named bitchface! Which dumbfuck called themself BitchFace!

"30 seconds remaining." The ring in my ear is still fresh.

I really start to panic because, obviously, I don't want to explode. I start quick-firing words and sounds out of my mouth that I think would be good options. I'm lucky that the loading only takes like a second.

"Bhhgsgvsgz"

"Name already taken"...

"10 seconds remaining."

"A"

"Name already taken"...

"B"

"Name already taken"...

"C"

"Name already taken"...

"Momasjeejj"

Processing Name... " Name Suc... Error... Error... Error..."

Then I see the loading circle appear. I anxiously stand in silence as I continue to watch it go round and round and round. Then...

[D'oh, This isn't good]

Followed by...

[An error has occurred:]

And then...

[Character not dead]

"What?" I mumble out in surprise

And then everything goes black.

---

And before I even know what is happening, I slam into the ground... hard.

"chhh," I softly voice out in pain as I attempt to push myself up with my right hand. Once I'm sitting, I can't help but notice that I'm now completely naked. When I was in the black room, I had my underwear, but now I have nothing. They robbed me!

I disregard my nakedness as I check out my left wrist, which took the brunt of the force from the fall. Everything seems fine, and it does not hurt too much to move, but I guess I will know in a little bit if it's sprained or broken. Let's just hope that does not turn out to be the case.

Looking around the new room, I have found myself thrust into rather forcefully; I notice that it's actually quite bright despite no visible sunlight. The walls are outlined in stone, with large brown squares looking similar to the floor tiles under me in the middle of each wall segment. There are also torches attached to the walls providing a little bit of light around them. Though, hardly enough to explain the amount of light in the room.

I can also see some painted lines on the ground right in front of where I'm sitting. I think they are spelling something, so I decide to drag myself to my feet without using my left hand. Once standing, I see that the paint does, in fact, spell words. Just none that I recognize as they look completely alien.

Oddly enough, I can understand what it says, though.

The words are "Welcome to the tutorial."

So yeah, basically, I'm dreaming, It's just very realistic, and I think it's about a video game? This is the only obvious conclusion I can make until proven otherwise.

Once I'm finished reading the words in my head, I notice some yellow painted arrows appearing in the middle of some floor tiles. Then the tutorial message disappears and is replaced by a new message further into the room.

It read's "This way!" Obviously concerning the arrows that it situated itself in between, and the now magically opening passage that I'm being directed to...

I do another once-over of the room to see if I have any other options, but I don't see anything. Since it's not like I have a choice in this matter, I decide to follow the magical arrows down a winding passage of the exact same walls, torches, and floors.

As I walk, I read a new white message on the floor, cheering me on by reading "Doing Great!"

Thanks, magical foreign paint text. I needed that. And so I continue on walking down the lackluster hallways until I see an opening with what appears to be a bridge?

New fun words show up telling me, "Just a little further ahead!"

I take a couple of steps onto the bridge while thinking, oh my, thank you, so kind. Helpful of you to guide me like this, on this straight path and all...

Anyway, I walk a bit further onto the bridge, and on both sides of the bridge is rushing water that I probably would not want to fall into, and a little bit further beyond are two islands, one on each side of the bridge. I see a treasure chest on the left island, and a pine tree on the right island? No clue what a pine tree is doing there; I would have expected a palm or something, but eh... Who cares? It's a dream!

Once I reach the end of the relatively short bridge, I enter another small room with nothing in it other than my long-time friend, Helpful White Tutorial Text.

It proceeds to explain to me nonverbally. "You can toggle your interface on and off by simply saying the command prompt, 'menu.'"

"Menu," I state without hesitation.

Instantly a long vertical screen pops up on the right side of my vision. I back my head away in surprise, but the menu follows my vision. I shake my head a bit, but it continues to move with my eyes. Fortunately, it's kinda transparent, so it does not muddle with my vision all too much.

On the screen, I can see multiple bars, rows, numbers, and a whole bunch of other goodies. There are some interesting shapes and symbols as we3ll. For example, I can see what looks like a miniature cartoonish version of my naked pale self on the top left of my vision and a see-through, dark grey bar laying horizontal to the right. There is the number 0 in the top left corner of the bar near the portrait.

It's a little challenging looking at all this as my head constantly wants to wander towards what I'm trying to look at with, only causing the screen to move with it.

There are also two symbols slightly to the top left of the long vertical menu of information. One looks like an orange arrow pointing down, while the other is what I believe to be a gold coin. Both of them have the number 0 to their left.

Looking at it all gives me a headache, so I toggle it off by saying, "Menu." I stand in place for a while before regaining my composure. The adventure continues with me walking into the next room.

This next room seems much larger than the last, and I can see training dummies and a practice target for shooting arrows to my left and right. There is also a big wall in front of me. The pointers on the ground clearly want me to walk around the wall, so that's what I do.

Once I turn the corners of the wall, my menu suddenly toggles without my permission as I see new white text tell me, "This green bar shows your health," while pointing a long thin arrow at the green bar in the middle of my screen.

"Cool," I say nonchalantly, and I continue walking out of the room and across another small bridge along the path.

It's not long before a new line of text explains, "If your health hits 0, you die."

Real talk, I would have never guessed that...

Then there were more text words describing how death is permanent and yada-yada, but I don't have to worry about it because I can "Nexus" at any time I want. I... I have no clue what that means, as it did not explain. I don't say "Nexus" in fear that something undesirable may happen.

Continuing onwards, I find myself just on the edge of the next room. The only reason why I don't enter it is because of the new words and the floating green balls moving horizontally across the room at fast speeds.

"Time to test your skills... Dodge the Balls!"

Given that I just had my health bar and death explained to me, it's not that much of a stretch to put 3 and 3 three together. In simpler terms, these magical-looking green balls can probably kill me, and they are moving at roughly the same speed as rubber balls in gym class dodgeball thrown by a jock with a grudge.

I can see the yellow arrows leading me through the room, I know where they want me to go, but I don't really want to do it. I can't crawl my way through either since the balls are shot and random heights and intervals.

Just gotta be brave... Actually, let's test something out. My wrist is no longer hurting, but as it may be broken, I think the only logical thing to do is touch the ball with my left wrist... It can't possibly damage what is already broken!

And plus, it's kinda like when someone tells you that something is boiling hot, but you need to touch it anyway just to confirm that it's boiling hot. How would I possibly know that these balls are dangerous if I didn't test them? Hmm?

---

Some time passes, and I'm still standing outside the ball-room, looking at the ground nervously why my left hand outstretched into it.

"This is such a stupid idea," I tell myself as I hold out my left arm into the room of doom. I keep pulling my hand out of the way every time one of the green balls gets close. I know this idea is stupid, but if I don't do this, I'm not sure I'm willing to ever take the risk of crossing.

Remember Marcus, It's only a dream; none of this is real. The longer I spend here, the less I'm starting to believe myself.

Just close your eyes. I tell myself.

I close my eyes.

And hold out your arm.

Which I also do, but reluctantly.

"Menu," I say to bring up the screen so I can watch my Health Bar while my eyes are closed.

I resist the urge to pull my hand out as I stand there with my eyes closed like an idiot, arm stretched out into danger.

It isn't too long before I hear and feel a sudden push on my hand, followed by a quick and concise *crunch* and a drop in my health bar.

Health: 95/100

I inhale sharply as I quickly pull my hand into a hug. I have never broken a bone before, but if this is what it feels like, the wrist injury from before was nothing! Pain radiates through my entire left hand, and I can feel the beat of my heart inside of it.

"Ahhuehhu," I cry, groan, and laugh in pain all at the same time while keeping my hand close to my chest and my other arm hugging it.

Health: 96/100

I keep laughing and crying because I'm a fucking idiot while I watch my health bar slowly increase, and as the health bar increases, the pain I feel decreases. Right now, It feels like the direct after-effect of stubbing a toe.

Health: 97/100

Feels like a mild bruise.

Health: 98/100

I can't tell the difference between now and the first injury.

Health: 99/100

A slap, I can still feel some tenderness,

Health 100/100

After only two short minutes of sulking, my health is maxed out, and I no longer feel any pain. It's like nothing ever happened, weird.

What did I learn from this? Don't touch balls. It's not worth it. The problem still stands though, I need to reach the next room without touching more balls, preferably.

How do I plan on doing this? I ask myself silently...

And... I have my answer. I brace myself for running when I see a slight opening when neither of the two front balls will hit me, and I sprint at full speed forward.

To answer the question from before, apparently, by running across the entire room like an insane squirrel in traffic! No waiting, no planning, no strategy of any kind. Just run, dodge, and hope for the best.

As I run, I notice that there are locations without any ball turrets. They were not noticeable from the previous room, or if they were, I didn't look hard enough. And, thankfully noticing them, I stop in the safe zone.

As soon as I slow down, I witness a ball fly past mere inches away from my head. That could have been beyond disastrous, as I'm unsure if the damage inflicted to the health bar is based on where it hits the body, and I don't really want to know.

This time, I take a good long look at the rest of the room and see two more safe locations where I can stop to take a break if needed. after waiting for the two closest turrets to pass the balls, I make a dash for the next safe area. I slide under one of the balls to make it, which is wicked cool, by the way, and I did the same for the last checkpoint, just without any sliding. Now, I'm standing at the exit of the room and the entrance of the next.

The next room has much the same problem as the prior, magical glowing balls. Just this time, they are blue and much more tightly condensed. They are moving at the same speed as the green ones, so no change there.

Inside the room, I can also see a wall directly in front of me, making it impossible to run in a straight line like before, and I will have to take a left as soon as I enter. I don't know anything else about the layout as everything is blocked from view.

Due to how close I'm standing to the danger zone, I can clearly make out four blue balls side by side that moves from right to left along the path I will need to take, so I will probably have to follow those, and there are three of these turrets restricting my ability to dodge left and right, which means twelve blue balls in total. There also seem to be three random balls that come from the left at seemingly random locations, which brings the count up to 15. Given the proximity of the three turrets to my right, I don't necessarily want to take any risks since getting hit by any of them would be... no fun.

And to avoid taking calculated risks, I also neglect to make calculated decisions, which means another mad dash, but smartly this time.

I wait for the three turrets to start shooting their four blue balls before I follow them from behind. Now behind the balls, I can see the three balls coming from my front, and I move to evade them accordingly. Middle, left, then right.

After reaching the end of the corridor, I'm met with a safe room that leads into the next. That dodgeball course was a lot bit easier than the first one, or I might just be getting better. Hey, I'm not complaining.

The next room has 3 turrets, I think, and they are huge! There appears to be one in the middle of the room, one on the bottom right corner, and one top left corner. I don't see any exit from the room, so I guess it would be top right, where I can't see due to the middle turret blocking the view.

While I'm evaluating the room, the middle turret shoots a mega missile of red destruction right at me, and I quickly decide that I need to hide before that big beastie hits me, which I successfully do by getting behind a nearby wall.

*CHHHH* The sound of the missile hitting the wall rumbles out.

From the speed of that one missile alone, I believe I can run faster than them if I try, but I need to test a few things out before I make my third mad dash.

I walk into the room and wait for the turrets to fire their missiles at me. When all three turrets do, I quickly move back to the room I came from and wait until I hear them hit the wall I was standing next to. From that experiment, I can determine that the turrets will shoot at me rather than in a set direction, which simplifies this because I have a big brain.

I run into the room and stand slightly to the left of the middle turret. I wait for all three turrets to fire in my direction before I make a sudden sprint for where I believe the exit to be, which is proven to be right as I see another entrance.

The plan was to wait for all of the turrets to fire in my direction. This had to be done while I was standing somewhere that would not interfere with my escape.

I now find myself on another bridge, this one much larger compared to the prior two, after passing through a small room that gave me a congratulatory "Made it!" in white floor text.

There is also more information on the ground of this bridge, which reads, "Use your weapon on these weak walls to breakthrough!"

I can see the walls they want me to break at the end of the bridge. They look like poorly made cobblestone walls that were plastered together by an uneducated, underpaid child. The only problem is, what weapon?

"My fists?" I ask the empty room

No response.

Fine...

I walk up to the wall and give a little kick. I end up kicking out a stone, but it's still standing, so I keep kicking until the wall falls apart in a heap of rubble. I then witness said rubble turn into tiny motes of light and drift off into space.

Interesting, if nothing else. I just have to take it all in stride; nothing weird to see here.

Passing through the now nonexistent wall, I enter a new room filled with targets, dummies, and... chickens! There is also new text telling me, "Kill the evil chickens!"...

You want me to kill the chickens? Why? Because they're evil? It's just a chicken. As long as they don't start breathing fire or something, they should not be dangerous.

I walk further into the room and get close to a chicken, and... nothing happens. The chickens are ignoring me. Uhh, I think I will just disregard this one and continue following the arrows.

I once again enter another room with a weak wall that I need to break and a message yelling, "Awesome!"

Yeah... awesome indeed. I'm the best chicken avoider there is.

Then new words appear on the ground that says, "Slay the Evil Chicken God!"

...

Chicken god? Excuse me? What...?

I kick my way through the wall and enter another room, where I'm met with an obtusely large brown chicken with a shiny golden beak and several realistic-sized lookalikes.

"Use your special ability if you must; you can find it on your equipment tab in the menu!"

"Menu" I open the menu to find my equipment tab. I would guess that it's the four slots underneath my health and the blue bar. The only problem is, I have nothing equipped. What I believe to possibly be my inventory is also empty.

I walk into the room, hoping to bypass these chickens as well. But I guess that was not the correct choice in this instance, as the very next moment, the several small chickens bound towards me with bloodlust in their beady eyes.

I rush out of the room, and they stop running after me and return to their positions. "Bloody Hell!" I shout out in annoyance.

I noticed that the path forward was blocked by a sealed wall before I ran away. I don't think I can get through this time without defeating the chickens.