One-Sided Love

I never knew what love truly is.

All I knew is that love can take various forms and has the ability to empower our lives.

Well, I've read a lot of romance novels, and all I can say is that some can be a cliché trope, others can be quite dark and toxic, while most would be pure, happy ending ones. There are also some that does not end well, making me bawl my eyes out in a hidden corner.

Though I never experienced it.

In school, there are various crushes and admired fellows, but I do not count them as love. They are only at the level of infatuation, and it's not deep enough for me to feel a heartache if they ended up with somebody else.

It was fun times. I get to gossip with my friends on who is the most handsome of our classmates, the relationships of certified couples, and who we admire most without prejudice. It was the light and peaceful era before somebody barged into my world and rocked me to the core.

During the completion ceremony, my friends and I chatted a bit about our chosen Senior school that has our chosen strand. The country just implemented the K-12 program and we have to finish 12 years of basic education. My current school does not have the strand I wanted to pursue for college, so I'm moving.

It's sad. I have to move to a new school for two years, meet new friends, and adjust to another school atmosphere. It's a lot of pressure.

And then, I met the person who made my world shine.

Everyday suddenly felt like heaven. Just feeling her presence near me is calming, even if she has some certain unmentionable habits. Every little detail about her life is ingrained into my existence. And it had been a routine for me to stare at her photo before going to sleep.

It's creepy, I know. But what can I do if I can only look at her with rose-tinted glasses?! Every little thing she does is cute, and I can even forgive her even if she messes up our group assignments. Even if she lazed around and do nothing, I'm willing to offer everything I have for her! I wanted to involve myself with her, regretting not transferring to this school earlier and missing most of her life.

The next thing I knew, I realized that I was in love.

It was not sudden. There wasn't any special event either. It was not like how a novel would depict a romantic meeting. I just… caught myself looking her way a lot of times. I only… caught myself being conscious of her habits. I noticed… myself yielding to her brazen offenses time and time again.

There was no feeling of being out of breath in her presence. There was no dramatic scene of my heart beating a lot more in front of her. In the first place, I had a negative opinion on her.

I was a transferee. I can't just join the social circles of students that have already formed in the last four years. The most I can do is befriend my fellow transferees and slowly integrate myself with the original students of the school. During the first three months, I can barely scrap by and bear the pressure of expectations from my family and the community we live in.

Everyone knew that I transferred to a prestigious school, and that's not going to stop them from creating rumors and piling their expectations on a barely 16-year old girl. It was hard, and I managed to adjust due to my transferee friends.

During the midterm examinations, I got sick, and I had to excuse myself and take special examinations after I recovered. After I took my exams, the seating arrangement suddenly changed.

And my new seatmate definitely does not look friendly to me.

She looked like a mean girl who's quite sassy, while I'm only an innocent girl who does not know much of our new classmates' name.

We did not talk much, due to our differing social circles. We have different hobbies, habits, and choices.

When the Intramurals of the school came, I played my chess quietly and won a few games from the other grade levels. She, on the other hand, played basketball with the grade team and won the Championships.

I'm a straight, obedient student who does not mess with the rules and never got detention, while she's the rule breaker and loves playing along the edges of the school rules, getting detention multiple times before she reached her Senior.

She's left-handed with a lovely handwriting, while I, on the other hand, is right-handed and has this doctor-like sketches and cannot be understood handwriting, showcasing my horrible sense. 

She's a drinker and goes out often with her friends, while I go home straight and would even cry if I can't reach home in time.

In short, we are people with differing personalities that it's hard to have an overlap.

But, when the seating arrangements changed, I found myself longing for her mean eyes, desperate for her sweet smiles, and anxious to help out in her studies. Even if my new seatmate is my transferee friend, I realized that I still preferred to be by her side and be her seatmate.

My love is a realization. There was no plot, no obstacles, no misunderstandings.

When she turned 18, I was so happy to be invited and join the party.

I met her family, even if I was introduced as a classmate and as a friend. It's enough for me.

During the Summer Break, I would chat with her for a few minutes, such as our good mornings and good nights. Even if it's only my illusion that the chat boxes are filled with pink lights, I'm already fine with that.

The midpoint happened when I reached my 17th birthday. I wanted to celebrate it with her and to confess my feelings.

A week before my birthday, I was full of nervousness as I take sneak peeks at her. I wrote a long passage of how my confession will turn out. I also envisioned several scenarios of how it will turn out. How happy I would be if she accepted my confession. How dreadful it would be if she turns me down and change our relationship.

And then, it was a disaster.

I went home, with my mind floating in the clouds of gloom.

I did not even notice that I'm already drenched in the rain.

It was horrible.

It was the worst birthday ever.

She… turned me down. With the excuse that she's a straight girl and does not want to have a relationship this early in life. She also wants to focus more on her studies.

I… I just stood there, dumbfounded, with my heart breaking into pieces.

It was a short-lived love.

When my friends heard about my confession to her, they consoled me and told me that there are other fish in the sea. But in my mind, I retorted that she's the only fish I want to catch. It was an agonizing year afterwards.

I still yield to her demands. I still help her in her studies. I still support her as much as I have supported her before. I was still, the same as how I looked at her.

And… I don't think this feeling will ever change.

I'll still gladly run to her aid whenever she's in trouble. I'll gladly rescue her whenever she had a tight budget and urgently need money to go home. I'll gift her extravagant gifts for her birthdays. I'll still visit her profile account and look at her status every now and then.

And the thought of her having a boyfriend or a girlfriend other than me… breaks my heart that it felt as if my soul is being torn to pieces.

After Seniors, we moved on to college and went to different universities.

We never met each other again after graduation. We never chatted in private. We never inquired about each other's statuses. It's as if everything that happened before was a lie.

I can't force my love to her. I knew that my love will never have the response that I wish it would have. The most I can do is stare at her from a distance, with tears in my eyes and a hidden heartache.

From the outside, I look fine, with a naughty attitude and cheerful smile, but deep inside, I long for her presence to grace me, always veering towards her direction whenever photos of their activities in their college graces our group chat, and I would always listen well to gossips about her in my friends circle.

I usually laugh at those novels that has secondary characters that would love the main protagonists for a long time, hiding their feelings and only grateful to be a friend. But now that it happened to me, I can't help but think that I'm also foolish.

I'm the foolish one who can't get over their first real love for over four years. I'm the foolish one for longing for another who clearly already forgot about me. I'm the foolish one for daydreaming of meeting her again, even if by chance. And I'm the foolish one for confessing my feelings, making our friendship awkward and had to bear with.

Her presence made my world shine, and her absence left a gaping hole in my heart.

It was a love I wish to forget.

It was a love I wish to fulfill.

It was a love I wish never happened.

It was a love I wish to replace.

And it was a love, that would haunt my heart for the years to come.

~ Fin ~