Danielle...

I was sitting on a big wooden chair, I rested idly on the chair and I rubbed my soft, dry palms on the arms which were hard and smooth. my breathing was slow and steady, the room was quiet and still as if everybody in in the room was put on hold, even me, the only obvious movement I made was the rubbing of my palms on the arms of the chair, this brought to me a certain feel of consciousness and calm, other than that I sat still and unmoving, my eyes were fixed out of the window which was open for ventilation and lighting.

From where I sat, I could see the sun, which was already setting, I watched it, that giant, orange ball of burning gas.

It was evening, a few minutes past six, the atmosphere was cool and the heat of the sun was already dense and it's harmful effect to the eye was subdued, It was not at all difficult to watch, the sun, it's orange colour would escape from within, travel through space and lighten up everything it touches, it would turn the sky golden.

I shifted my gaze from the sun to look at the sky and like I had predicted it was golden, there were hints of purple and some parts were splashed with yellow, it was a beautiful piece of art. I felt smoulder.

I blinked, and my eyes were teary. I heard a voice call my name, it sounded soft and distant, as if I were awaking from sleep and it was calling from inside of my dream, but I was fully awake and conscious, even though it was hard for me to stay asleep these days.

" Danielle " I heard again.

I ignored the voice, just to see the sun set.

I felt peaceful and at ease, but the quietness of the moment would be at some point interrupted by Mrs. Helen who had become impatient, I could her it from her voice, which had lost its original softness and had turned to a shrill formed by the lump in her throat because of frustration and my repulsiveness.

I turned to her, slowly.

"would you like to share anything with us , Danielle?"

she asked me. I could see beads of sweat forming just above her eyebrows and I saw the wrinkles on her forehead from ageing, I saw the light wrinkles at the side of both her eyes and the thin lines that stretched about her small lips. I wasn't far away from her to see the crumpled look on her face when she found out that I was scrutinizing her.

I gave a small smile, that I knew she would see. I didn't mind what she or anyone felt about me, I turned my attention to the people In the room, I saw everybody but nobody, I felt a little pressured because everybody's attention was turned to me.

what was it Mrs. Helen asked me, ah ha, she asked if I would like to share something with them, of course I would love to share something with them, but what would I say, in a few seconds I imagined a situation where I opened my mouth to speak and no words came out, of course they saw my mouth come open and they watched me struggle to speak but still their eyes were turned to me, ever so yearning expecting me to say something when they knew too well I was struggling, I could not express myself, they wouldn't get me, no one ever gets me.

Now, I focused more on the faces of my fellow members, I didn't know what else to call them because no one told us what to call ourselves, I just looked at a few of them, but the resemblance in the looks of about three of them compelled me to look at even more of them, all of them.

They looked deranged, I noticed their smallish frames and the sagging of their eyes, the deadness in their expression, there were light movements they made if not all of them, and if I hadn't a good eye I wouldn't notice it, the trembling of their skinny fingers. they seemed to want to move but still rest in their position.

The revelation was hard on me, but my ability to mask emotions was a talent on its own. I turned my eyes to Mrs. Helen, after my detoxing and other programs, my freedom was based on good behaviour and I'd be given a test to see if I was clean... the term clean means absence of drugs in my system, I needed to abstain from drugs to get out of this shit hole where my parents had dropped me.

I arrived here two days ago, the rehab center was a private one, not so popular, a little too expensive.

They had given me a place to stay, the room was tiny compared to the one where I lived and the bed was tinier compared to the king size bed I slept in.

It was hard for me to lay on the bed taking it that drugs addicts had slept in it and probably done some stupid shit on it, too but this was what I get for abusing drugs. I had my reasons though.

"Danielle" I heard Mrs. Helen voice come again, this time it had a stuffling ring to it.

"uhmmm..." I started, if this was all I had to do to get out of here then it wouldn't be so hard, would it?, and they claimed it would help our CONDITION, they said sharing things would help lessen the burden.

"you can start by telling us your name" The elderly Mrs. Helen said cheerfully, happy that I was going to share something with them.

"My name is Danielle" and from there I didn't need anybody to tell me what to say next, I wasn't the first to share and I heard how the others started, I wasn't the only new recruit, too, from the looks in their eyes and the expression in their faces, I could differentiate between the old people and the new ones, I picked up and I spoke.

"I'm seventeen years old, I graduated from high school last year, when I was sixteen..." I paused, and then I continued " I was brought here because I was found unconscious in my room, from sniffing my drugs which was supposed to help me sleep at night. I was falsely diagnosed with narcolepsy, it's a condition that makes a person want to sleep at day and completely awake at night, I was given barbiturates, so I used drugs to sleep, my sleep was not like the ordinary sleep that people experience" I saw them shake their head in understanding, now their eyes were fixed on me because they enjoyed my story, who wouldn't? " But I didn't have narcolepsy, I had insomnia though, I suffered anxiety and depression, but when I told the doctor about my very surreal hallucinations he referred me to another doctor" I lowered my voice and I said to myself " the man behind the door" the rest I said loudly " the other doctor diagnosed me of narcolepsy and he gave me sedatives, I continued to use the drugs and I still got refills, using the drug was not a problem the problem started from an Idea, I imagined grinding my drug and sniffling it, and I did, the moment the fine powder went through my nostrils I couldn't discern my left from my right hand, I felt dead but alive, conscious but unconscious, I was in a happy state, very happy." I saw some of them smiling, and I smiled too, not at them but at the remembrance of my happy state...

" after then I tried out more drugs, opium, marijuana, crack, crystal meth, my financial status made it possible for me to get the drugs ASAP, I tried all methods injection, sniffing... all.

The more I tried the better I felt, till the attacks came, and the itching and the voice at the back of my head, it changed a lot of things...at a point, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror" there, I stopped. I heard them let out their breaths, I let mine out too.

It was night time, the room was quiet, everybody had room mates except me, there was another bed in the small room, at the other end of the wall, there was only one wardrobe, and I wondered how it managed to pass through the door, not that the door was too small, no, the door was alright but it was the size of the wardrobe that intrigued me, it was made for two people, I guessed, so it means I'd be sharing my space, that wouldn't be possible.

I had taken my bath, in the big bathroom that was made for people in the down floor of the building, the bathroom was divided into two places for the different genders, and we were ten people occupying five rooms, sorry we were nine I forgot I didn't have a room mate but I liked it this way, no one to bug me, I'd just do what I have to do and leave.