Let's not mess this up again

#10

I ran into the public toilet and headed straight to the sink, projectile vomit coming out of my mouth. Fack. This blood in my hands, I have to get them off my hands. I look into the mirror and my eyes are bloodshot. My hands are trembling and my fingers feel like they are cramping like a corpse's hand. I have no strength in my knees yet my arms are tight and taut like they are ready to rash out and tear anybody's face off. My hair's all crumpled and I look shit in the mirror but luckily I have no scars on my face. This place smells like rotting piss mixed with my vomit and this un-washable blood all over my hands and my body. I turn on the tap to the max and vigorously rub my face to clean it off. I feel like gouging my eyes out. I want to un-see everything I have ever seen and only leave with the things I want to remember, what is a memory but a self-comforting illusion anyway.

#Swing#

I hear a door open behind me. Shit, someone's coming in. I quickly turn around and see a middle-aged man with a hat walking into the toilet. He's got no cast on his legs but he's on crutches, maybe physically impaired. It takes him a few seconds to run his eyes over me and see that I'm all covered in blood. His jaws drop almost like in slow motion and I knew I had to stop this before it becomes bigger trouble.

I yank out the still bloody knife from my inside pocket and slit his throat in one big swing motion instinctively. I cut deep enough the first time to slash his vocal cord and the man can't scream. The only sound he can make is the gurgling sound of blood in his mouth and the helpless flapping of his frail arms. One of his crutches drops to the floor and makes a clanging sound as it hit the tiles.

#Clang#

That's the sound that an aluminum baseball bat makes as it gets a crisp hit on the incoming ball. I hit it perfectly.

"Yeah, Tobi!!"

I hear my classmates cheer. I see the ball make a beautiful high arc across the sky. Take that bitches – it's surely a home run and that means my class will progress into the semi-final of the school baseball tournament. I sucked so bad for the whole day, all my friends face-palming at every strike-outs I had to endure, but I've done it when it matters, so clutch.

With the loud cheers of everyone ringing like a song of triumph in my ears, I wave to Rika standing by the school fence at the edge of the ground. She's very far away but she sees me and shoots me the bright beam of a smile, waving her arms enthusiastically in return.

I track the ball across the sky and it's surely going over the fence. I keep my eyes on it all the way through just to make sure – ah fack.

"Rika! Watch out!"

#Clang#

Another crutch of the man drops and hits the tiles. He's desperately clutching at his throat, trying to contain the blood gushing out. There is no chance he will survive. This man is suffering. I better end it quickly for him. I approach him slowly and roll him over to his back with my foot, slowly bend my body over his, and slide in the knife straight into his heart through his ribs. His eyes are looking around wildly as if to find one last hope that will never come, and inevitably, this gaze fixes itself on my own eyes, as if to say why are you doing this to me. I keep my eye contact with him and I can see his eyes going vacant. Does his soul escape through his cut open throat or is it deserting him through his eyes? Either way, I palm his eyes close. Rest in peace stranger.

I hastily finish washing up and sleek my hair back with water. I step out of the toilet building and into the darkness of the night.

I'm sorry girl. I didn't mean to do you harm. I'm truly sorry.

Now I find myself sitting by the bed of the infirmary where Rika's lying down. Incredibly she managed to escape without a bruise or a cut this time – just like the first time I knocked her out with a rocket football straight onto her face. I reach out and put my hands on top of hers. Her hands are cold. And she still has this funny way of sleeping with her arms folded over her chest like a vampire. That brought back a memory and made me chuckle. Just like the first time, how it all went pear-shaped and I had to explain how I was just checking out her fangs.

Rika gradually opens her eyes and sees me sitting beside her. I give her an awkward apologetic smile.

"You don't have to be so nice to me all the time"

"That's not what you say to a man who knocked you out three times now"

She lets out a quiet giggle.

"Did you win?"

"No. The ball bounced off your head and rolled back into play. I ran to you instead of hitting the bases so I was out. We lost"

"You fool. You really are a fool"

She closes her eyes as we both smile.

"Get some rest Rika. I'll be here"

#11

I spent another sleepless night trying to figure out what she meant – and what was the meaning of all this. Ok, first she 'protected' me from being embarrassed in front of everyone by pretending there was no note in her shoes. Then I turned up to confess and there was that mega asshole waiting for me to do that "Sike! Motherfucker!" shit again. Then I confronted her the next day still reeling in pain, both my body and heart, and after that, I can't make any sense of what she said and how she acted. So she didn't want to turn me down herself because it would have hurt her? Does that mean she likes me? At least a little? A tiny bit perhaps? Does it hurt her the same way it hurts me when I see her? But why make me get beaten up again?

One certain fact though was that she undoubtedly rejected me. It's just her reasons and methods that were puzzling to me. But since her answer is clear – should I even pursuit her any further?

Futile question. It's not like I can just say 'oh well, that was that' and move on. I would have preferred to be hurt by her instead of some mega dickhead acting as her pawn. But what more could I say to her now? How will she act when she sees me again next time? Why did she run away?

That was very unlike her, who always seemed so calm and carefree.

The next day I went to school exhausted and still confused. As I sat down by my desk and was taking out a textbook for the first class from my desk drawer, a folded paper note fell out. I picked it up and opened it to read it.

"Come meet me at the rooftop after school today"

For fuck's sake. This is getting old. What does she (or he) think I am. I will not fall for the same trick three times. It was either Rika who prepared to get me beaten up or the mega dick himself playing yet another prank - this time I didn't deserve it. The more I thought of it, the more likely it seemed that Rika wanted to somehow 'punish' me again for the little confrontation yesterday, and have set up yet another (this time predictable) trap for me. A bewitched man may burn at the flame again and again like a moth that can't help it, but unlike a moth, man can put up a fight.

Just to ensure my suspicions are correct, I deliberately went on roaming around the school during lunchtime where I thought I could run into Rika, and as hoped, I did end up facing her in the hallway leading to the school cafeteria. I did not say anything or give any expressions as we approached each other, but did keep my keen eyes on her all the way through. She did not cast her eyes on me even once all the way through, not even in a sneaky way, and she did not show any sign that she was putting in any degree of effort to avoid eye contact - she just walked right past me as if I were a ghost.

Gotcha.

I figured her out. She set up a trap. Come to think about it that poor sod I vomited on is probably hooked on Rika now and being used as a violent pet that she can unleash at will. I obviously cannot physically attack a girl, but beating that jackass would be equal to scoring a victory over her.

Now that I knew what was up I couldn't wait to pull off my little plan of revenge. I skipped the last class of the day and stole a baseball bat from the gym store. I snuck myself up onto the rooftop and took a position on the blind side of the rooftop entrance. All I needed to do now was wait, abide my time, and bring down the justice.

I heard the school bell ring and it was only a matter of time. As anticipated, soon enough I heard someone stepping upwards on the stairs to the rooftop. I had kept the door closed, unlike this idiot that's gonna walk right through. He will think he's the first one here now, just like the previous two times, and plan to set up for me to come. This time I'm here first.

Then the door flung open, and as soon as I saw a head pop in I whacked it with the bat.

"Sike! Motherfucker!"

#Flat.#

Oh.

Shit.

Rika fell flat on her face on the concrete, a perfect face plant. I just whacked the shit out of her head with an aluminum bat.

#12

I'm sorry little girl, but you need to die - I say this to myself as I land another punch on her face. I can't bring myself to say this to the semi-conscious girl that I'm beating on, so I'm uttering these words inside as if though it somehow makes the whole thing less sinful. Should I have strangled her - would that have been less brutal and merciful? Should I have used my knife to cut her? But I couldn't bring myself to mutilate a young girl. Fack. Who am I kidding? I'm bludgeoning her to death with my bare fist and I can feel her cheekbones crack underneath. In most likelihood, she is already dead. Come to think about it, pounding someone's face to death is not a very effective way to kill. But I can't stop now. This is how it started so this is how it shall end.

By the time I was done her face was unrecognisable. Sure they have DNA tests, fingerprints, and it will only be a matter of time they identify who she is. But at least whoever finds her first may avoid the unpleasant experience of finding the dead body of someone you recognise.

Was it really necessary to kill this girl - I would never know. It's just that there had to be a sacrifice and I have already committed myself to carry out this plan until the end. That is now the principle I need to live by. I felt sick with regret, but for now all I know is that I need to clean up and go back to where I belong.

#13

"Rika! Are you okay?"

There was no answer. What the fuck did I do. I hammered a helpless little girl with a baseball bat and she's lying motionless in front of me. Not only that, this was Rika, the girl that has captivated me for the past months. It only seems recent that we somehow ended up running into each other often, but whenever we did, it didn't end well.

"Rika! Please wake up, oh my god.."

I kneel down to turn her body over. Her body feels completely loose with no strength at all, but as she flops on her back to face up, her eyes flash open.

"Why you little shit…!"

Before I could even open my mouth to let out a sigh of relief or ask her if she was okay, she grabbed my throat with both of her tiny but unexpectedly strong hands and started to squeeze.

"ARGH, Sorry!"

"Why do you always do this to me?!"

"arrr..." I could barely speak now.

"I will KILL YOU"

And with that, I could feel that she was tightening her grip on my throat. I started to choke but she had no intention of letting go. I first tried to helplessly tap the floor, then her shoulder, and just wildly flail my arms around to signal to her this was going too far, but her ice-cold eyes were fixed on mine, and it felt as though she was sucking every single molecule of oxygen out of my body with her eyes.

Fack. This is going too far...

By this time I was grabbing her wrist and try to pull them away as much as I could, but it was to no avail. I couldn't believe how strong this girl was, or maybe my body was already starting to get weak. I could feel my limbs start to curl up as all the muscles tightened with painful cramps. My vision was going blur and I couldn't even look at her clearly anymore, and just before I felt like this was the end, I caught a twinkle of a smile in her eyes. What the…

Then everything became black. Darker than black. Black as I have never seen or experienced before. Is this the death? There was no light at the end of the tunnel. It's like everything was just a bottomless black pit, and I felt I would now slowly dissolve into nothingness, the emptiness, complete void. There was nothing transcendental about dying I realised.

This. Was. It. Fack.

"Come back", a voice booms inside my head.

"Garrggrrggrghh!" I jolt up from the ground in total shock. I am drenched in sweat and panting hard. Was that a dream? What the fuck happened?

"Who am I?". a girl standing in front of me asked. It was a very pretty girl, like no other girl I have ever met before - I knew her,

"Rika."

"That's right. Let's try not to fuck this up again"

She extended her hand, beckoning me to grab and shake it. I hesitated a bit but took her invitation and shook her hand. Her hand was warm. Very warm.