C50: Evangeline

The wind blew the hem my floral chiffon dress gently as I walked along the beach, the sound of the waves giving my struggling mind some peace. I slowly sat down on the sand to see the breathtakingly beautiful sky painted with a blend of red, orange, and yellow – with the sun being reflected on the water as if it's a mirror. I closed my eyes as to reflect, and all I can hear was the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The feeling where everything feels pure and cleansing, and I imagined myself wading into the water until it envelopes me in its warmth – until I'm swimming in it. At the same time, I see someone flicking some of the water by his feet towards me, and I nimbly dodge out of the way.

Enough.

I should stop imagining him. Imagining us happy, because if I'll face the reality, it's all about a tragic story where a girl fell for someone she can't be with – for he is forbidden. It's all a beautiful, yet a painful dream. The thought of his existence alone pains me. What more if it's imagining us happy?

The time suddenly stopped as I heard someone call my name. A familiar voice of someone I'm expecting to see.

I looked at the direction where the voice came from, and just like how I expected it, it was him – Victor, the man who won my heart and broke it unintentionally. Whenever I reflect on that fact makes me think that I shouldn't blame him. He intentionally took my cousin's life away, but he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. It's just that … he already did it before he knew about me.

I rose to my feet to formally face him.

"Hey," I replied, my voice softer than usual. He kept the distance between us – a distance that feels like miles afar. A distance between two people who are physically close, but the hearts are far from each other. My eyes welled up in tears as I see that it's really him standing before my eyes. Part of me wants to run and secure him in a hug, but the reality keeps on pulling me back.

"I … I don't know what to say," he began, forcing an awkward smile. "It feels like a miracle, to see you like this again. All I thought was … last time will be the last."

"Didn't I say that I'll return? I chose this place because the last time we were here, I ran away. Remember your friend's wedding? We were walking along the beach, then I ran away after remembering something." I wiped my tears and gathered myself together.

"Because of Justin."

"Yeah," I answered, and I sighed. "Funny, it was like last time he was the reason behind my tears, and now it's you."

He squeezed his eyes shut as if in guilt, although hurting him is not a part of my agenda on why I insisted on this meeting to happen.

"I'm sorry," he said as he opened his eyes again. "I know it's useless, but Eve, you shouldn't get close to me. I'm a dangerous person, someone who's not worthy of your trust and attention. If I'll keep on seeing you, I'll keep hurting you, and I want to avoid that. You don't deserve it, and I don't deserve you. Not even as friends."

"So you want me gone then since you're pushing me away."

"It's not that. I cherish you, and to be honest, you're one of the best things that happened in my life. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't realize that my life is full of darkness, for I was blind. My entire life was filled with lies, dark secrets – my life is good for nothing. Even my family is a mess. I was raised by criminals, I was a criminal, my real parents are corrupt people who are manipulative. I don't want to involve you in that kind of life."

"Everything is now a part of your past. Having a dark past doesn't mean your entire life would be full of darkness. I did tell you that you have a choice – if you'll embrace your past or choose to live for the better. You have to forgive yourself and let go."

"Do you really think that … I can just let go of the idea of hurting you? Thinking about those made me regret every day. I can't forgive myself because I'm the reason behind your tears." He broke eye contact and looked at nowhere except my eyes.

I paused as I reflect on the things that he said. All of those are true, but even if I'll keep on convincing him to let go, he wouldn't. His mind is stuck with the idea of him not worthy enough for anything good. A person who's a prisoner and the jailer. He has the key to move on and change, but already accepted the idea of him deserving to be punished for all the lives that he ruined.

"If I'm going to tell you that I've already forgiven you, would that be enough?" I pressed my lips together, holding myself back from shedding tears. "The reason why I'm crying is not that I'm hurt about what you've done, but what hurts me is to see you like this."

His eyes widened as he heard my words as if they're the words that he's least expecting. His facial expression softened, and he looked at me intently, as if looking at me down into my soul.

"Y-You … have?"

"Do you think I can be mad for long? It's been half a year. Do you think I'm going to let the pain and anger stay in my heart that wants to love with reckless abandon?"

The light from the setting sun shone on his unsettling, silent face.

He sighed and avoided my eyes once again, inserting his hands in his pockets.

"You're impossible, Eve." A rough silence followed, and each second that passes squeezes my heart. Will there ever words that can convince him to let go?

"I was abandoned by my parents, raised to kill and ruin people's lives, a life full of lies … and wanted to love and protect someone I can't be with. My life is good for nothing. Thinking about how bad my background is and how many lives I've ruined … how many families lost their loved one because of me makes me think that being loved is too good to be true. I don't deserve it. Am I not best to be despised and be persecuted for everything as a payment?"

"I'm not the one who's impossible, but you're the one who's making things impossible. What do you want me to do for you to do for me to pull you out from that oubliette that you threw yourself into? Why can't you simply grab my hand for me to pull you out?"

"In your painting that you called, 'Remnants of departed days,' I was the one who's fading away, close to getting swallowed by fire, and the one who was in tears who are trying to save the man was you. Do you think it's a coincidence that you thought of those things before we met each other?"

"I don't know, but we both know that it's not what matters now. I can see that you no longer want to be happy, but I already told you the same thing countless times, and yet, you're not listening. It makes me think that I should keep repeating it to you until you get tired of hearing so you'll start believing. You're too stubborn."

"I know. My ears can listen, but my heart won't. What do you want me to do with that? If you'll keep me in your life, you'll be in danger. If you'll file a lawsuit against me and your uncle, you can live in peace."

"Then let me ask you," he looked at me as I paused. "Is that what you want me to do?"

"I –" he didn't add anything else, and I decided to close the distance between us.

"Don't you think you suffered enough?" I added. "There is a mere fact that we can't be together even if I tried to picture it. But I only want to see you heal, at least. It's a decision only you can make."

His facial expression became grim, and long before I close the distance between us, he walked away along the beach. I squeezed my eyes shut as he walks farther and clenched my fists beside me. It can be tiring to convince a stubborn person, but I don't think there's any other person in this world who can convince him.

I hurriedly ran after him and I hugged him from behind.

"Please, all I want is for you to be free, and I won't leave your side if that's what it takes for you to forgive yourself and let go of the past that keeps on haunting you. I won't stop until I'll convince you to that jail you locked yourself in. You're not your past. It takes time to heal, but it all starts with a choice. Even God can forgive however great your sins are as long as you're willing to repent and change. I believe I didn't meet you for nothing, but one of my life's purpose is to be a tool for your healing."

He didn't say anything, but droplets of tears fell from his eyes down to my hand that holds him.

"I keep on wondering why you keep on doing this and why can't you just give it up," he removed my hands with his cold hands and turned around, "But I suppose I'm far too blessed to have someone like you, who never stops understanding me despite my stubbornness. I still can't thank God enough for giving me a priceless gift … you." He gently pulled me to his chest and secured me in his arms, lowered down to my level, and whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry for being stubborn, and thank you for being patient. Give me some time to gather myself together, and I'll let you stay by my side to help me if that's what you want. I'm not going to ask for anything more, because you staying beside me is more than enough."

The rhythm of his heartbeat gave me the assurance that the words that came out of his mouth are sincere … are true. Surrendering the pain is the first step to having a wounded heart heal – it certainly takes time, but the process is what makes it beautiful. Overcoming pain and learning from the mistakes will make someone stronger. Choosing freedom over suffering and changing the hatred to love.

And he's at the beginning of it.

– THE END –