Chapter 4

When I snap myself back to reality, Riley is parking his car in front of my house. It dawns on me that we had spent the majority of the time just riding around and talking with no actual destination. I’m not sure where we stand, but I know it doesn’t feel the same as before. We had just spent almost an entire day learning about each other. He had gotten me to open up more than I have in a long time, and had made me feel almost comfortable to do it.

My mind is still screaming at me to run, but it isn’t as loud as before. Which only scares me more because it just confirms that I made a mistake, and now I’m in trouble. I have to be more careful and make sure that, at the very least, I keep whatever this is under control. I grab my things from the floor before turning to look at him.

“Thank you for everything,” I tell him, hearing my voice come out slow and a little awkward.

He gives me a reassuring smile and says, “No need. Giving me today was thanks enough.”

I look at him for a moment before nodding and getting out of his car, closing the door behind me. I walk through the door of my house and the smell of some kind of casserole hits me.

“Mom, I’m home!” I yell out, locking the door behind me.

She comes from the kitchen, beaming at me when she spots me. Why is she so happy all of a sudden?

“Hey, honey. How was your day?”

“It was a day,” I answer slowly, studying her face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great. Why do you ask?” she responds, the cheerfulness in her tone almost sickening.

“You’re happier than usual.”

“I’m just happy that you’re finally happy again,” she says, pulling me to her and hugging me tightly.

Oh, right. I had forgotten about that. I inwardly groan, not up to putting on the happy act again just yet. I can’t mess this up for her, though. I smile for her and watch as her face lights up when I do. The smile isn’t a real one like I experienced with Riley today. I can’t decide which one feels more foreign and weird on my face. But to make her happy, I keep it up. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing this for her. It’s the only thought that makes me able to keep the act going.

“Oh, okay. Well, I have some stuff to do for school, so I’m going to my room,” I tell her, trying to get some time to myself to breathe.

She nods and smiles at me one last time before I go upstairs. I close my door behind me when I get to my room and plop myself down onto my bed. A million different thoughts, questions, and worries flood through my mind about today and Riley. I shake my head and put my headphones in, cranking the music up until I can’t hear myself think anymore. Today took a lot out of me and now I’m left feeling overwhelmed, confused, and lost.

I need a break and to get away from my thoughts, memories, and this world in general. I groan when I feel my mind begin to race again. I guess today was too much, even for my music to handle. I snatch out my headphones with a huff and go to my bathroom, opening up my medicine cabinet. My mom doesn’t bother me when she thinks I’m busy with school stuff and she’ll probably get wrapped up in her own work until she goes to bed.

I swallow two Benadryl's and wait not so patiently for them to kick in. They’ll make me sleep, and hopefully, give me the escape I need and crave so desperately right now by putting me into the nothingness that usually comes with it for a while. I go back to my bed and my music, hoping the music will work long enough for me to pass out. I feel myself start to relax within 15 minutes, and before 30 minutes are up, I begin to feel sleep’s embrace wrap its arms around me. I drift off with thoughts of Riley, the mystery girl, and Colton dominating my thoughts.

*******

I’m standing in the middle of an empty hallway at school. I look around, confused for a second. The sound of footsteps in front of me heading away from me draws my attention. I look to where the footsteps are coming from and see the back of a tall guy with black hair. My heart lurches at the sight of him.

“Colton, wait for me!” I yell, trying to get his attention.

He doesn’t seem to hear me and keeps walking. I take off running, trying to catch up to him while still yelling out his name. But he doesn’t stop or slow down for me. A nervous sweat has begun to bead up on my forehead.

“Colton!” I yell to him as loud and forceful as my lungs will allow.

He stops, his back still facing me and his head hanging toward the floor. When he finally turns to me, I see that his face is sad and filled with pain. I feel my heart clench at the sight of it. I reach a hand out and stroke his face, trying to comfort him and take away his pain.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him, concern filling my voice.

He doesn’t speak. His face just becomes even more pained than before. He gently takes my hand from his cheek, lingering for a brief second before dropping it.

“Bye, Natalie.”

He’s telling me goodbye? No! He can’t. He promised me. He starts to walk away from me again, and I resume my chase after him. Suddenly Riley steps out of a classroom and in front of me, blocking my path. I crash into him, and he catches me before I can fall.

“Move! I have to catch up to him!” I scream at him frantically.

“Natalie, stop,” he says, holding me so that I can’t move.

“Let go of me, asshole! I have to find Colton,” I tell him, my voice cracking as I jump trying to look over and around his shoulder to search for the now-vanished Colton.

“No, you don’t,” he says, cupping my cheek and making me look up at him. “He’s gone, Natalie.”

“He’ll come back. He promised me,” I say, feeling a tear fall down my cheek that Riley wipes away with his thumb.

“No, he won’t,” he replies, his voice gentle and filled with sympathy.

“Not again. I can’t go through this again,” I sob, feeling my knees give out on me.

But Riley holds me up, wrapping his arms around me tightly. He pulls my head against his chest while he strokes my hair and presses kisses into it. I pull my head back just enough so that I can look up into his green eyes. An emotion that I am unable to place or recognize is dancing around in his eyes, making them light up. He starts bending his face to mine, and I realize what he’s going to do. I panic but don’t move. Just as his lips are a breath away from mine, he vanishes into thin air.

********

My eyes snap open, my breaths coming out hard and fast. When I manage to calm my breathing and racing heart, I look at the clock on my bedside table and see that it’s 11:00. I’m sticky with sweat and decide to take a shower. I let the hot water wash over me, wishing it could wash away the dream and everything else along with it. I start washing my hair, focusing on trying to avoid my thoughts.