Going back

"Dabrien listen, kalimutan niyo na yung past niyo ni Ken, for the sake of your friendship" kausap ko si ate Dianne sa phone ngayon and I cannot effin' believe kung anong katangahan ang sinasabi niya. "Ate can you please stop, hindi ako babalik dyan, lalo na ngayon. I lost almost everything nung dumating siya hanggang sa umalis siya sa buhay ko, I lost a person Ate, don't make it seem like ang liit liit lang ng kasalanan ng g*gong iyon" napataas ng konti yung boses ko kay ate Dianne, hindi ko mapigilang mainis lalo na't naalala ko yung mga nangayari, specially si Zion, yung pinagsamahan namin has all hone to waste dahil masyado akong nabulag at nagpakatanga kay Ken. "Brie, Dad is leaving in a few days papuntang Thailand, alam kong ayaw mong mamiss yung chance to spend time with him for a while. Come home tomorrow, and talk it out with Ken and maybe Zion" then she hung up the phone.

I stayed up all night sa sobrang dami kong iniisip, hindi ako makatulog, hindi din mapakali. To think na babalikan ko nanaman lahat ng sakit at alaala sa taong iyon seems to throw me off. Anong gagawin ko bukas pag nakita ko siya? should I act as if walang nangyari to seem cool, para mag mukhang nakamove on na ako. Ayokong mag mukhang talunan bukas pero yun naman talaga ako, perhaps I could just tell him the truth, yung mga pasakit ko sakanya and all? pero that would make me look like na parang desperada sa harap niya, taong hindi kayang iwan yung nakaraan? cliche. Paano naman si Zion, I really want to talk to him again, to hang out to be friends again pero natatakot ako, I have never felt so vulnerable to rejection, kay Zion lang kasi alam ko yung tindi ng nagawa ko sakanya noon, yunh tindi nung galit niya at kung gaano din kasakit yung mga salitang binitawan niya sa akin.

I got up from my bed and nagpunta sa salamin. I got fat, like a lot kaysa nung mga nakaraang months since I've been stress eating lately, my skin looks darker since tamad na akong mag skin care or maglagay ng lotion kasi mainit, my short hair doesn't suit me kasi nag fly away na siya and ang dami kong pimples right now. Ganito ba ako haharap kay Ken bukas? wala pa pero, I certainly do look like a f*cking loser. Nice. Nagpunta ako ng CR para mag brush ng teeth, nagfacial scrub ako then naglagay ng nose patch para matanggal naman yung mga black heads sa ilong and somw gunks then nag suot ng face mask to soothe my skin. I slept after that to prepare myself para bukas. It's a big day afterall.

Nagising ako ng mga around 8:30 kaya dumiretso ligo na ako, after that namili muna ako ng damit na susuotin, I didn't want to look fat and as much as possible gusto ko sana talaga yung mahihide yung thighs ko since malaki sila and I hate them. I decided to go with a skirt that goes below the knee and a white aesthetic designed three-fourths polo to look more formal than normal. Nag suot din ako ng necklace to top it up and a watch then decided to go with sandals na medyo may takong to look more slim. Kumain muna ako bago ako umalis and must I say na I really did go overboard today, with my outfit, my hair and make up, obviously with all these efforts isa lang ang ayokong mangyari, ang magmukhang kawawa.

Nag taxi na ako papunta doon, and 15 minutes unto the ride nakareceive ako ng message from ate Dianne na Ken will be coming over for lunch since ininvite siya ni Dad para na din sa pagdating ko, great just GREAT. Haven't I mentioned na while we were dating, Dad admired Ken for me, they got along very well mostly because Ken wanted to land a job sa business world specifically sa stocks like my Dad. They would talk about it for a while everytime na pulunta siya para bisitahin ako and for that sa tingin ni Dad perfect na siya para sa akin, when we broke up, Dad wasn't really happy, telling me na Ken was a great catch and that I should patch things with him quickly. If ever na malaman ni Dad yung past ni Ken, yung about kay ate Harris, and the reason why we broke up, hindi niya na ipipilit pa sa akin yung relationship na yon, pero I wouldn't dare tell Dad about it, those mistakes are a disappointment.

Nasa Marcos Highway na ako nang maalala ko si Zion, I should probably talk to him kahit na hindi siya pumayag atleast I tried. Tinext ko siya dun sa dating number niya back when nung okay pa kami. We first met sa park, meron kasing fountain dun sa gitna na paikot. I was running around sa paligid non, siguro mga 8 yrs. old palang ako, then siya 9. I bumped into him kasi nakatayo lang siya doon just watching the fountain flow, naitukod ko yung siko ko dun sa fountain and fell on my back and that broke my arm, kaya agad agad niya akong tinulungan, he bought me home that day habang akay akay ako, I was scared na umuwi noon kasi alam kong papagalitan ako ni Dad since it wasn't even a minor accident. Pagdating sa bahay, I was startled nung pumasok din siya, sinalubong kami ni Dad asking what happened and guess what inako niya yung kasalanan kahit ako talaga yung malikot noon. It was such a distant memory pero I can still remember those details clearly. I didn't get a reply from him, I asked kung pwede kami mag meet sa park pero ilang minuto na hindi pa din siya nagrerespond, I sent him another text, this time telling him na aantayin ko siya doon no matter what. Pagdating sa village dun na lang ako nagpahinto sa park, I sat there sa harap ng fountain and tumingin tingin lang sa paligid. This place is like a haven for us ni Zion, dito namin binuo yung mga memories ng childhood namin ng magkasama, we would meet here everyday, mauupo lang or minsan naghahabulan, minsan kumakain, come to think of hindi kami pumupunta dito sa park kapag may iba kaming kasama like sila ate Harris, sila Liam yung pinsan din namin and yung iba pa naming kalaro noon, palagi lang kaming pupunta pag kami na lang dalawa, kahit si Ken hindi ko dinala dito. We we're very close, sa circle of friends kami yung pinakaclose sa isa't isa, pero kahit ganon never kong naramdaman na pwede kami ni Zion, kaibigan lang ang tingin ko sakanya, pinakamatalik nga lang. Hindi ko man kayang suklian yung nararamdaman niya pero hindi naman dapat maging hadlang yun or maging cause to ruin our friendship, kasalanan ko alam ko, pero I want him to know na nagsisisi ako sa ginawa ko sakanya, nagsisisi ako na sinaktan ko siya, na g*nago ko siya, na hindi ko siya pnigilan umalis noon.

Medyo kumukulog kulog na pero hindi pa din dumadating si Zion, mahigit isang oras na ako dito pero wala ni anino niya. I don't even know kung nabasa niya yung text ko pero I'll keep waiting for him kahir gabihin pa ako dito, this is the least I can do. Tuluyang nang umulan ng malakas at dali dali akong tumakbo para sumilong ngunit nakatapak ako ng bato kaya napaluhod ako. Ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano dumausdus yung tuhod ko sa sahig na semento dito sa park, and sobrang sakit niya, wala na akong nagawa kundi ang maiyak sa inis. Napagod na ako sa lahat lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, and I can't even do this right now. Tatayo na sana ako nang may sumilong saking payong habang nakaupo.