Vohan and Awkward

Altan sits up on his elbows and his eyes flare. "There is no way he could make it into the palace." Altan spits the words as if he hates the idea of talking about Cai.

I shake my head. "That day in the woods." I pause because I know what kind of memories those words bring with them, "He gave me a note. He told me to kill myself first, or he would on the night before the wedding."

"Azul," Altan breathes, and he's sitting on his butt moving closer to me. Beside the bed, candles light without warning and it makes me jump. "I promise you that he will not take your life, I promised that to you already."

"I know." I release a shaky breath and find myself moving closer to Altan, I find myself closing the gap between us. "But Cai, he's very powerful, I fear he could find a way to get in the palace anyway."

Altan raises a hand to place against my shoulder but then he pauses and decides not to. He lets the hand fall to the mattress beneath us instead. I know why he did that, it's because I told him not to touch me without my permission, but some part of me still thinks it's because of the ugly tension that has been growing between us since he saw me kiss Cai.

Ever since that moment, he refuses to touch me, and his eyes look at me with less warmth. He seems distant. Which is what I wanted.... I think... So, why don't I like it? Why am I frustrated that he won't touch my shoulder and comfort me?

"I have every one of my guards on duty tonight," he says, trying to comfort me with words instead of touch. "Aside from that, royals from all over Ot Ulut are here for our wedding and their guards are patrolling as well. This is currently the most secure palace in the whole world."

I nod my head, but even still, his words don't console me.

"On top of that," He continues, "I've instructed every guard to pay extra attention to your rooms in particular. Your room is the safest in the palace. So you should go back there and-"

I'm shaking my head so furiously that he stops talking. "I can't." I say, "I don't want to be alone."

"But you need to rest," he says, concern furrowing his brow, "Tomorrow is a big day."

"Please don't make me go back," I say, and I know I sound pathetic, I sound childish. "If I'm there, I'll stay up all night and just wait for death to come."

Altan clicks his tongue, "What do you want then? for us to sleep together the night before our wedding?"

I stare at him; at his question that is supposed to somehow convince me to return to my bed chambers, then I nod my head. "Yes. That's what I want to do."

Altan's lips part and he returns my gaze for a beat. I think about looking away, I imagine making so much eye contact with a man while laying on his bed is usually only done before really HOT sex. But I don't care, I'm meeting Altan's gaze to let him know I'm serious. "Why?" A question finally passes his lips.

For some reason that one word is holding a lot of weight. Why what? Why don't I want to die? Why not wait for Cai to take my life? Why do I want to stay here with him? Why did I kiss Cai in the woods? Why didn't I already take my own life? Why am I not fighting Altan anymore? That single word holds so many questions, and I'm not sure how I can possibly answer them all.

I take a deep breath before I answer, "I have decided," I begin, "To choose you."

Altan blinks and waits for me to continue.

"I've decided to choose this life; to be a duchess in Kiziljer, to be married to a Fire Mage Duke, to attempt to end an age-old war." I say, "And if that is my decision, then that means two things: one, that I will be married to you; and two, that I need to be alive to do it."

Altan's eyes flicker back and forth between my own.

"So..." I say, and finally break our eye contact, "I figured, it wouldn't be a bid deal if I sleep here with you."

I see Altan's throat bob as he swallows. I have both answered all his questions, yet answered none of them. His mouth opens like he's thinking about asking another question but then he decides better about it. "Alright." he finally relents. "Stay."

Relief floods through me, "Thank you," I breathe. Then I turn away from Altan and pull the slippers off my feet. I toss them to the ground and start wedging my way between the covers and the mattress.

Altan watches me silently all the while, then when I'm finally comfortable and laying on my side. Altan slips under the covers as well and lies down. He releases a long breath, and I feel the tension roll off of him.

"Thank you." I say again.

Altan turns on his side so he's facing toward me. There is still a lot of space between us, but even so, I can feel warmth radiating from him. I place my hand flat on the mattress between us to stabilize myself. sharing a bed with him, even though I feel safer, is still somewhat nerve-wracking.

"You just make yourself at home anywhere," Altan remarks, and there is no malice behind it. It's simply as if he's thinking out loud.

"Not really." I counter, and I find my eyes locking with his from across the sheets. "The truth is, I haven't felt 'at home' in a long time."

Altan watches me, and I think he'll ask what I mean by that, but instead, I see his eyes flicker to my hand. "You're shaking." He says and his eyebrows push together again.

"Am I?" I look down at my fingers, and sure enough, they're twitching nervously against the sheets. I laugh awkwardly, "I guess I'm worried about being murdered."

~Jeez, how am I making jokes about this right now?~

Altan releases another sigh. "Azul?" my attention turns back to him, "I would like to have permission to touch you."

I blink, I never imagined hearing him say such a thing. Not to mention, he sounds so nervous saying it, as if he's expecting rejection. "you have permission." I whisper.

"Thank Vohan." He says under his breath and reduces the distance between us. In seconds, I'm wrapped in his arms and in his warmth, and my beating heart relaxes.