Choked to Death
On August 12, 2024, a Friday, I thought it was just going to be a normal Friday night as usual.
But I was completely wrong.
It turned out to be a super fucking big day not only for me, but also for all American citizens.
In hindsight, I really shouldn't have eaten that hamburger that day, or if I did, I shouldn't have eaten it so quickly. Even if I did eat it that fast, I probably shouldn't have been watching South Park while eating.
It has been proven through experience that laughing out loud while eating is an extremely dangerous act.
By the way, I'm a huge fan of South Park.
Anyway, on that Friday, August 12, 2024, after work, I was leisurely enjoying my favorite South Park, eating a burger and fried chicken. When I saw Kenny die again in yet another strange way, I burst out laughing with joy—and then promptly choked to death on the food in my mouth.
Yeah, I choked fucking to death.
According to the National Safety Council, in 2022, 5,553 people in the U.S. choked to death.
Bidding farewell to this world in such a way, I'm not sure whether to call these 5,553 people the poor devils or the lucky dogs of the year.
Anyway, now I've joined their ranks.
Life is just that capricious—you never know what flavor the next chocolate will be, or how you'll meet your end in the very next moment.
I had thought about many ways to die: maybe I'd get hit by a car while walking down the street; maybe a lunatic playing live-action Fortnite would shoot me in the middle of the street, after all, this is a country built on bullets; or maybe I'd die from overexcitement while in bed with a hot chick. But considering I'm not exactly good with women, that's not very realistic.
But never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd die from choking on food!
What's even more frustrating is that it's definitely not my fault!
"Oh, sorry, sir, there must have been some issue. Please be patient; we'll locate your information soon," said the hellish worker, forcing a smile, but the sweat on his forehead and his twitching pointed ears betrayed his inner panic.
I knew something was off about my death!
After I choked to death, my consciousness was plunged into darkness. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself in an extraordinarily luxurious building, and a sweet-looking demon receptionist with horns on her head led me here.
I have to say, she had a nice ass.
Just as I was reluctantly pulling my gaze away, another male receptionist asked, "Sir, please place your palm on the scanner. It will assess all your actions in life and determine your reincarnation level in next life."
"Reincarnation level in next life?" I asked curiously.
"Yes, the scanner will verify your identity and retrieve all your actions in life. Based on the good and bad deeds you've done, it will give you a score, which will decide your next life. Here are the detailed scoring criteria and reincarnation levels," the staff explained patiently, handing me a piece of paper.
"That's super cool." I never expected Hell to be so advanced.
I took the paper and started reading, but it was filled with various terms and complex calculations.
Alright, this isn't very friendly for a math idiot.
Is Hell and the insurance company run by the same people?
"Did an actuary from an insurance company make this form?" I asked, looking up.
"How do you know...oh, no, I can't comment on that," the pointed-eared demon initially asked instinctively, then suspiciously shut up.
"Typical capitalist behavior!" I muttered, rolling my eyes. "Can you explain the reincarnation levels in simple terms?"
"Of course, esteemed customer," the pointed-eared demon replied in a pleasant and professional tone.
"The reincarnation system primarily evaluates the good and bad deeds you did in this life. Your final score will determine the kind of family you will be born into in your next life. Do you want to live in a wealthy family and become a playboy? Do you dream of a life of luxury, surrounded by beautiful women every day? We can make all of this happen for you,"The pointed ears was talking non-stop, making me feel like I had just fallen into a pyramid scheme. "The system has a standard version and a Pro version. The standard version is available to all users, while the Pro version is only for a select group of VIP clients. With the Pro version, your bad deeds can receive a 30% reduction, and your good deeds can get a 20% bonus. And if you subscribe our..."
I was dumbfounded as I listened to the pointed-eared demon extolling the virtues of the Pro version. Today's experience had already shattered my perception, but the fact that reincarnation had standard and Pro versions was too much!
"Hey buddy," I interrupted the demon's enthusiastic pitch. "Your System is awesome but I don't have money for your Pro service. Just tell me where I'm going to be reincarnated."
Yeah, I knew their game well.
Plus, Pro, max, ultra, VIP, SVIP, SSVIP...
Fucking Internet age, always coming up with bizarre ways to dig money out of your pocket.
I'd had enough of their ridiculous schemes. I was tired of the endless subscriptions and memberships of the so-called internet era.