Sometimes I wondered if maybe this was all just a dream, if I would suddenly wake up with cold, hard cuffs aroud my wrists or with rubbery fingers shoving pills down my throat as I lay in a bed, all sweaty in a room painted with a sterilized-white, pumped full of adrenaline— this whole ordeal only a thick, hazy memory lingering at the back of my mind.
Not a very original thought, I knew— but the place gave me lots of time to think, and sometimes when all novelty has worn off, one had to return to the classics.
And when I did, I also knew, this wasn't just a simple dream.
Because there was no dream that could give me such intense emotions and not yank me out of the land of nights; I imagine it would feel like being a drowning victim, emerging out of freezing water and breathing fresh air again.
As I walked around, the people scattered. It was like a stone dropped in a sea full of fish.
"Or maybe I am in your dream," I asked a girl in the crowd, "wait, would it be better if I refer to it as a nightmare for you?"
The light shone from my candle to her face gracing her befuddled expression with bright colors. She was around the same age as Raya and had black hair that was now adorned with an orange tint.
"Welcome to the stage," I told her.
She gulped once and her eyes darted across the room, but the people rushed off before the light could graze them, like they were some unholy beings, leaving her alone with me.
"If I remember correctly," I moved my hand towards her breast bone, "you had a lot of things to say about me, why don't you repeat it again?"
She opened her mouth, gasping, but as I let my fingers walk up her collarbone, step by step, tap by tap, she closed her mouth again— unable to say what was on her mind.
Again, she looked around and saw the attention was on her and she realized that there was no shadow that hid her anymore.
"Darling, now don't be coy. Say it," I moved closer with the flame, and she squinted her eyes as she backed away, blinded by the light.
"I, I do not quite remember," she answered.
"What," I tilted my head, and moved even closer, and she pressed her hands against me, "you don't remember? Try."
"No, I am good, thank you." She closed her eyes and pulled her head as far away as possible. A grey line of smoke rose up from the small fire.
"Why not! You were so eager when I stood away from you, now I am here just for you, with everyone's attention on you. It is the perfect time to say what is on your mind," I pressed forward.
When she took another step back, she stumbled to the ground with a thud. Her lips were glued tightly, and her sight never quite left me.
I squatted next to her, and brushed the hair on my face away. "Thought so," I said in a quiet voice.
"What are you doing," Rayas father asked from his seat.
I moved quickly to another person, "I wanted to see if the sideshow was as brave as they showed themselves to be, but it doesn't quite seem like it now, doesn't it?" I chuckled as the crowd stared at the girl on the ground, and then at me.
He hit the arm of his chair with his fist, causing it to crack and shouted, "stop it now."
"Make me. Come down your little throne and stop me." I pointed at the floor, "ah wait, you can't. Because you wouldn't want it to look like I made you step down, right," I joked.
He stood up and shouted, "what are you guys doing? How pathetic are you lot to not even stop a single girl?" His face darkened and he continued, "just push her down and we can continue, O lord, I think I am going insane."
They pretended to listen, but no one budged. I kept leisurely walking with the lone candle in my hand untethered by my surroundings.
The crowd was just like that, fickle like a mistress.
I understood, this crowd— no any crowd, would never step in and take matters into their own hands.
Because they were in a group, they did not feel as much responsibility as they would individually, which is why they wouldn't help me nor Raya. When the individual sees how others aren't responding, they didn't feel the need to do it either.
Due to the shared sense of responsibility, they were more daring, and under the peer pressure were more willing to rally up against one enemy.
Rayas father didn't understand, they weren't his supporters. They were simple bystanders.
Now if I pulled them out of their safety zone into the limelight, what would happen? Of course, no one would help them either.
I cut off a boy, seconds before he could run away and asked, "what about you, what do you think?"
Again, the flame flickered in his face and it ashened, he told me, "I was just doing what the others did."
"Buddy don't push the blame now, we're are talking about you," I grabbed his collar, "I remember it clearly, did you not throw a wooden plate at me before? Was that also because the others did it?"
He had curled, brown hair, and was wearing a tunic underneath his cloak. He should be in his early twenties but it was hard to tell underneath the dim light.
The guy stuttered, "w, well, I-"
"Actually, don't say it. I don't really care. Instead tell me something else: on which side do you stand?" I shoved the candle close to his face, highlighting his youthful contours, "think carefully."
His eyes danced around the hall, but everyone had already sneaked behind the shadows, still watching of course, but they went as far away as possible.
He pushed a mouthful of air out of his throat and answered meekly, "I'm not on either side, really."
"Good boy." I smiled and went away, leaving him standing alone in the darkness, biting his lips. He reminded me of myself when I was a kid and the teacher busted me, every time I didn't do my homework: ashamed.
My eyes moved to an older woman. She was big, but there was no definition on her body, only a swellness. She wore a loose, but expensive cardigan that hung down her body like drapes. "You look like you have something to say," I said to the woman.
Her nostrils flared in anticipation and she answered quickly, "no, not at all."
"How come? You always do. Or did you think I would not remember? How you called me a bastard behind the row— a demon— and how you couldn't wait for me to be thrown out, was that not so?"
"I, I didn't mean anything with that," she said sullenly.
"Ah, sure you didn't. There were no meaning in those words at all."
She searched for excuses which may help her escape this predicament, "child, really, believe me. I only wish the best for you. Can't you see that if you just obediently follow your punishment, it will help you grow as a person?"
The surrounding people nodded fervently.
"Is that so? How exactly," I asked her. Some wax dripped of the candle.
"See, uh," she fumbled around, "if you, uh, yes, what was it again?" She turned her head around, as if searching for an answer and smiled awkwardly.
"Let me phrase it differently then, are you on my side?" I threw a lifeline at her.
"Ah, yes of course, I would only want the best for you child," she answered swiftly, but as she did, she cupped her mouth with both her hands and with wide eyes stared at Rayas father. His face, much to her dismay, had turned stony.
I laughed, "you know that answer of yours has a widely different connotation depending on my question, right? But you answered it yourself, you are on my side."
Her arms sprung open and her nostrils flashed again, "wait, you are wrong-"
"Am I? Then I take it your words before where a lie?"
"That is not it either, let me explain!"
But I didn't. I kindly left her in the darkness, frustrated and indignant, and I knew fully well that she wouldn't follow me. No, she couldn't.
Everywhere my eyes wandered people would scurry away, I shouted into the room, "so who here wants to take up a sword and confront me," I pointed around, "is it you, the friend of Rayas, who told me to rot in hell?" The girl trembled as I said so, "or maybe my uncle over there who listed my crimes the other day, come join me." The old man pretended he didn't hear, "and you. Did you not hit me with a piece of meat, why don't you do it again, for everyone to see?"
One by one, they silently shook their heads.
There was a reason why no one chose to retaliate as I called them out, why no one got angry.
It is because they didn't dare.
They had seen it, anyone who engaged in a conversation with me would end up battered. Look at Raya for example, publicly shamed and beaten as she lay on the ground, truly she was the perfect example.
The reason why I provoked every single person the first time I entered this mansion was for this single moment, and when I see the defensive looks on every face, I had to admit, it was worth it.
I smiled faintly and inhaled some fresh air. With my best impression I imitated what the original Agnes would say: "there will no longer be any bystanders. You shall either stand up, or shut the fuck up," I spat on the ground, "so here is a final question for you, who dares to oppose me?"
Again there was only the beautiful silence. At long last, they were mute.
I turned to Rayas father, "so there you have it. You say your authority comes from the people, but there doesn't seem to be anyone agreeing with you. So really, I ask you again: What gives you the right?"
He faced me with a coldness and rage alike. The look filled with intransigence like it was a mask that had been put on for too long and now it was stuck. His voice rumbled a string of expletives.
"You have really pushed my hands, don't blame me for acting violent."
"It isn't my fault that you talked yourself into a corner, so in what way would you like to humiliate yourself? Step down from your mighty throne and face me, or rot in the symbol of authority which you have no right of bearing? Either way you proved yourself as no more but a false king." I shut my ears with my hand and struck my tongue out.
His mouth moved but I didn't hear anything. I digested what had happened and I couldn't help but smile.
Yes, this was no dream. There was no dream that could make me as ecstatic as this. No dream which could fill me with such sweet euphoria as I crushed all these helpless people beneath me.
I asked Agnes, "what do you think?" However, I didn't get any feedback so I asked again, "Agnes?"
"ɪ'ᴍ sᴜʀᴘʀɪsᴇᴅ," she said after a short pause, "ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴇᴀᴛᴇsᴛ ᴡᴇᴀᴘᴏɴ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴏᴡᴅ, ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟɪᴛʏ, ᴀɢᴀɪɴsᴛ ᴛʜᴇᴍ. ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀɴ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛɪɴɢ ɪᴅᴇᴀ."
Finally I also closed my eyes, "many groups aren't as cohesive as they pretend to be. Usually the bigger they are, the harder it is to control them. Naturally, the same goes for countries. If you find their core, you can break it easily. Now, all we had to do is wait for Ver-"
"Wait," a single voice interrupted my thoughts, "I stand with him."
The silent crowd, Rayas father who had already taken a step, the floating Agnes and me all turned towards the source, what I saw was certainly a surprise.
It was the person that had chased Vera and me, the person who had partnered up with Raya and the person that dragged me out of bed while beating me.
He stared triumphantly chest posed high, a childish grin carved on his face.
Just for a second, the thought of killing him flashed in my mind.