13.1.4

Subaru coughed, spitting out clumps of blood. He rolled onto his back, faceup as he looked at the sky. He made repeated, ragged breaths, earnestly gasping in search of oxygen, the fuel needed for life.

His heart had no time to feel shame at how lowly and pathetic he looked as he clung to life. Just…

"Am I…?"

"_______"

"Am I…worthy of living…? Me, who can't die…do I have…any value outside of dying…?"

Through Return by Death, he had saved people he held dear from horrific fates.

Subaru Natsuki had believed his only value was in the results he had obtained at the cost of his life.

But was it right to think that this was not so?

"Can I think that…a human being like me has value outside of Return by Death…? Is it all right for me to think that…the people I care for…care for me, too…?"

"…I wouldn't know any such thing."

Minerva gave Subaru's frail question that very curt reply.

She was in a terrible state. Her arm was shattered, and there were bruises from blunt trauma all over her body. But she calmly rose to her feet, gritted her teeth at those wounds, and regenerated herself. Doing this, the Witch of Wrath stood solidly on her own two feet, crossing her arms as she looked down at Subaru. And then—

"Don't ask me what worth you have. But that girl wants you to live so much…plus, you saw in the second Trial yourself, didn't you?"

"…But the second Trial showed me the mistakes, the sins I committed…"

"What are you, an idiot? That wasn't to make you take responsibility for worlds gone wrong. That was to show you just how sad people got because of the results of your mistakes. —That's your answer right there, isn't it?"

"—hh."

They returned to the back of his mind. He remembered.

He remembered crying voices. He remembered voices clenched in regret. He remembered strong voices sending him off. He remembered all the people sending him off so kindly. He remembered whispers of love from those who'd believed in him. He remembered the genesis, the trigger of his struggle against fate.

He remembered a life that supposedly had nothing awaiting him.

Subaru remembered he'd been invited into that world with nothing, with the things he was supposed to have falling from his fingertips.

To prove that someone like him had worth, he had to keep struggling. And as he kept struggling to protect those precious things he had gained, he thought he had no choice but to walk an even lonelier path.

I'd thought to myself, it's all others giving unto me. Is it all right for me to think it's not so?

—People will cry for my sake?

—People will lament their powerlessness for my sake?

—People wish to see the future with me, together?

—Precious people will give me the privilege of standing and smiling at their side?

Surely it was impossible for someone stubbornly walking a lonely path to the very end, as Subaru had been doing, to receive such a privilege.

With a heart of steel—a mental state that swayed before nothing—he was disconnected from the softness that would've allowed him to smile.

Then was it all right to believe?

That the choice to whittle away his own heart, deciding it was the price he had to pay for the future of those precious to him…

That the choice to desperately struggle to protect his own heart, thus becoming unable to walk his chosen path…

To believe that neither need be taken, and that there was another, greedier choice?

—Was it all right to believe and to want it?

"—I permit it."

These were Subaru's thoughts, thoughts he had in no way spoken aloud. And yet, there was a reply to those thoughts.

Still flat on the ground and faceup, he let his head tumble sideways. Over where Minerva was standing still, someone was kneeling on the grassy field. Her face was drenched with tears, but still she smiled.

Even then, Subaru could not see this face, which was covered by shadow. Obstructed by that curtain of darkness, he could not see the expression turned toward him. And yet, he knew she was smiling.

"I was saved by you. That is why I permit that you can be saved. And it is my hope to be saved by you."

Satella's words, her voice, and her smile permeated the cracks in his heart.

Subaru covered his face with his hands. Tears flowed. Sobs spilled out. He continued to hide his weeping face.

That moment, he didn't want anyone, especially her, to see him like that—for the sake of his meager stubbornness.

"…I was surprised that Minerva broke through Typhon and Sekhmet's obstruction, but I find this action by the two of you even more unexpected."

Echidna made that small comment, ignoring Subaru as he covered his weeping face. —After all, before Echidna was a spectacle of talons stretching from the black, lacquered coffin to restrain Typhon while the coffin's mistress, Daphne, faced off against Sekhmet.

Daphne responded to Echidna's words with a low, throaty laugh. Released from her restraints, she stepped barefoot onto the grassy field, tilting her hips as she stuck out her tongue.

"There's no mistaaake that Daphne's compatibility with Ty-Ty is number oooone. The Centipede Coffin has no head for thinking because it's Daphne's arms and leeeegs. And its compatibility with Ty-Ty's Authority is the woooorst."

"Uuugh! Daffy, out of my way! Nnnn! Uuu!"

"So…sigh. That means you are holding me back yourself, phew. I'm not Echidna, but, sigh. Why are you doing something like this, phew. Unlike Minerva, I do not understand your reason for getting involved, sigh."

Glancing as Typhon writhed under the coffin, Sekhmet made another weighty sigh. With Typhon taken hostage, the mightiest of the Witches apparently could not act rashly.

Responding to Sekhmet's words, Daphne shook her head, braids swaying as she said "Nahhhh" and laughed.

"Subaru, you seeee, killed the White Whale, then talked big and told Daphne that the Great Rabbit was neeext. Sooo I figured I wanted him to last at least long enough to chaaaallenge it."

"A most fascinating opinion. Certainly, if he puts his mind to it, he can achieve such a feat. You must understand this as well…but Daphne, do you want the Great Rabbit to be destroyed?"

"Not reaaaally? From the moment they were born from Daphne, those children's empty stomachs and Daphne's empty stomach weren't related anymooore. Where and how it's destroyed makes no differeeeence…but all the same, Daphne might be interested in just how the Great Rabbit, Daphne's own inexhaustible hunger, reaches its eeeend."

You see, she seemed to say, sipping her own drool.

"If Daphne is satisfied at how it eeeends, that would be a happiness unknoooown to Daphne…"

To Daphne, who was tormented by an inexhaustible sense of emptiness, satisfaction was a dream eternally out of reach.

And if the Great Rabbit was a reflection of her own endless hunger, it existed as the incarnation of her cravings. —Not that Daphne herself held any sentimentality toward it.

But Daphne harbored an interest, a curiosity beyond hunger.

To Echidna, this was a most satisfying answer. Smiling at this, Echidna nodded, turning her gaze to the other person to whom she had referred to—the Witch of Lust, standing apart from the group.

"Carmilla, what about you? Do you have a reason like Daphne's, I wonder?"

"Wh-what are you…trying to say, E-Echidna…?"

"It is very simple. —You were the one who called him back from the brink of death, weren't you? I do not understand the reason you would go as far as employing your Faceless Bride Authority."

"_______"

"You must have called forth countless bonds for him. I thought you were not fond of him. And so, I wish to ask: Why have you done this?"

When Echidna posed her question, Carmilla hid her mouth under the stole wrapped around her neck, glancing around in search of aid from the Witches around them. She wanted someone other than herself to come rescue her.

However, there was no Witch in that place who would fall under the lovely Carmilla's charms.

Left with no other choice, Carmilla leaned forward, gazing at Echidna with upturned eyes.

"N-no r-reason, really? I'm satisfied with that boy refusing Echidna's…mm, advances…so even if others fight, as long as I'm safe, then…just…"

"Just?"

"L-love is important…r-right? You mustn't hold it in…contempt… You mustn't. That boy…he thinks he doesn't want to see it, when 'love' is right there, so…I won't let him…deny what's there. And besides, I...really hate not repaying a debt."

Her words were halting and plodding. However, only at the end did Carmilla assert herself loud and clear. Receiving this, Echidna dropped her shoulders as she looked at the faces of the various Witches in turn.

"Sekhmet and Typhon tried to honor his will. Minerva, honoring his life, healed him. Daphne cooperated, extending his life so she might watch his battle. Carmilla, who'd kept her back turned to him, used her Authority to make him understand 'love.' —Now then, putting each and every person's various assertions together…all of you were trying to help Subaru Natsuki."

The Witches stood still, neither affirming nor denying Echidna's assessment.

Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, Lust—all stood still.

Seeing the Witches like that, Greed twisted her cheeks in amusement. And then—

"This is indeed most interesting. —Do you not think so?"

She posed this question, casting it toward Subaru, looking haggard as he wobbled to his feet.

"_______"

His head was terribly heavy. His entire body was languid as if he had a high fever.

Even then, his tears had not fully dried. Wiping from his cheek what remained of his tears with his sleeve, Subaru, somehow managing to stand on his own two feet, surveyed the faces of Echidna and the other Witches with insipid eyes.

"Really…the hell is wrong with you all…"

It was a question—a natural question for a puny human to have after meeting a Witch.

"Curiosity. Sympathy. Compassion. Sense of duty. Expectation. Hatred… Can't say I really understand or agree with the reasons you had to take my side. I get why they call you all Witches."

"From this insulting attitude, I take it that your willpower has returned?"

"…Dunno."

From the words that had trickled out of him, Echidna winked and bluntly laid out Subaru's mental state.

"I decided there were things I had to do. That hasn't changed, even now. And I'd…resolved that…to accomplish them, this was the only way. But…"

Haltingly, Subaru spoke—not to anyone else in particular, but to himself.

"My resolve…when I came to this place, the Trial…broke it. Just when I thought you were lending me a hand, I found out what you really thought, then even Satella appeared…my head's all a mess. You're all self-serving… I decided what it is I had to do. But then…"

After coming this far, if he clung to his supposedly expendable life, what then?

After coming this far, if he yearned for life when using it was his only option, what then?

After coming this far, if he internalized that he was loved, what was it he ought to do?

"Now I…don't know what I should do anymore."

Logic pleaded that if he did not desire death, he could save nothing via Return by Death.

His memories told him that as death piled higher, the flood of tears from those who had lost Subaru grew greater.

Without his death, someone would be sad, and yet with his death, someone would be sad also.

"—Now, I ask you once more, Subaru Natsuki."

With Subaru unable to sew his thoughts together, Echidna lowered her voice, speaking solemnly.

When he lifted his face, Echidna was standing right in front of him, slowly nodding.

"If I cooperate with you, the people you absolutely wish to save will arrive at a future in which they are saved. You will have no more reason to worry. In extremis, I will find the answers to the problems that you must directly confront. All you need do is put them into effect, thus climbing over the walls. If you are afraid you must continue to worry, one choice you have is entrusting those worries to me. I will not fault you for this. I will welcome it. Therefore, I now ask you once more."

"_______"

"Since you do not understand what to do, how about letting me lead you by the hand? I promise, I will bring you to the future you desire without fail."

This spoken, Echidna stretched her hand out to Subaru.

If he took that hand, a pact would be formed. Echidna would cooperate with Subaru in accordance with her words.

It was an idea he'd rejected out of emotion a short while before. But Echidna's proposal hit the mark. If he truly wanted that future, he ought to sacrifice himself in a true sense and use her for that purpose.

He ought to take that hand.

If he did not fear being hurt and resolved to swallow down thoughts of pain and suffering as he continued to fight, he ought to take that hand. Hence—

"Echidna. —I'm afraid of being hurt."

"_______"

"I hate pain, suffering, and sadness. I don't want to go through painful times, and I don't want to watch someone other than me go through bad things, either. —I don't want to die."

"_______"

"So because it's predicated on sacrifice, I won't—take your hand anymore."

Not even Subaru knew what he might be able to do. But he could not walk the path Echidna had presented. He could not choose it. —For he was aware that he did not want to die.

He, who had thought dying was the only service he could contribute, had learned that there were people who would accept him without him having to die.

—Subaru Natsuki was not a man who had value only in death.

For the people who regretted Subaru's death would not have done so had they seen value in his death. No, what they regretted was—

"I don't know exactly what everyone felt like they lost yet. —But I think I want to find out. If I understand that, I think I can repay everyone in a way besides death."

"…But that is a path of thorns. The shortest way to the future is to choose to use your life as a tool and cut it open. It would have been better if you offered your heart alone. To reject this, and to preserve both your own heart and someone else's future in your hands at the same time, is most difficult, and moreover—"

Echidna cut off her words with a pause of her breath.

Then the most charming smile he had seen on the Witch to that point came over her.

"—it is greed."

Affirming its greed, the Witch of Greed joyfully accepted Subaru's judgment.

Subaru did not understand the thinking of the Witch, who seemed so happy even though he had rejected her proposal. But.

"What is true is that you came and saved me a bunch of times over… Even if in the bottom of your heart, you think of me as nothing more than a lab animal, that much is true."

It was undeniable that for some travails, Echidna's existence had lent support to his heart, allowing him to overcome them.

Therefore, his gratitude for the times when she'd saved his heart was also definite.

"—Foolish, pitiable Garfiel fears the outside world."

"…Eh?"

"What he saw during the first Trial has bound his heart ever since. If you are to get through this situation with your own power, it will surely be necessary to break that curse."

"Echidna?"

"What, just sour grapes from a busybody. I would rather you did not think All those other Witches are good people deep down, but that Echidna is a bad person to the bitter end or the like. Whatever your thoughts, I am a girl, and it is the truth that I have some degree of fondness for you."

Speaking rapidly, Echidna gave Subaru's chest a light poke with the hand he had not taken. Then she turned her back, her white hair swaying as the Witch of Greed put distance between them. During that time, Daphne was using her coffin to cuddle Typhon up to Sekhmet, and Carmilla had returned to the fold as well.

Seeing the Witches like that made Subaru sigh.

"You really are incomprehensible monsters. I don't think I could ever come to like or understand you."

These were his true, unvarnished thoughts. The values each Witch harbored never wavered, something that would never sit well with Subaru—no, that was true for any normal person.

Thus Subaru could not understand the Witches, nor could he cooperate with them.

But just like he thought with Echidna, understanding and gratitude were wholly different things.

"Thanks for trying to let me die. Thanks for not letting me die. Thanks for making me hear the voices that are precious to me. —Thanks for all that."

He bowed his head to the Witches one by one. Pride smiled, Sloth sighed, Lust grimaced in disgust, Gluttony licked her lips in arousal, and Wrath turned her face aside.

Then he turned around—toward Satella, who was kneeling on the hill, and began walking to her.

As Subaru walked over, Satella looked up at him, her breath catching. Her body trembled in fear and unease.

Why was it that someone he had so dreaded filled his chest with such warmth?

What were these emotions he continued to harbor for someone he'd never come in contact with?

It was a mystery with no answer, but this dream castle had already given Subaru too many.

With not a single answer to that question, Subaru opted to keep worrying about it as he crouched down, extending his hand to the Witch.

Seemingly bewildered, Satella stared at the hand offered to her.

"I…don't know who you are. I don't know why you told me you love me…and I don't know the meaning of…you telling me that I saved you."

"—Ah."

"But it's still a fact that you saved me by giving me Return by Death. It's also true that I've relied on it to get me this far."

"_______"

"To me, Return by Death is…one choice, I suppose?"

"_______"

"And you're telling me…not to depend on it, but to love myself…right?"

"_______"

"I'm not saying it's as cut and dry as that. —But there's no mistaking that you gave me Return by Death because you don't want me to die."

That was why…

"Just like you said, I'm going to…try loving myself, just a little more. I'll take better care of myself. I don't know what'll happen because of it, but that's fine."

"…It's all right?"

"Yeah…compared with death, it ain't nothin'."

Responding to Satella's concerned voice, Subaru made a smile, frail as it was. Seemingly relieved by that expression, Satella took Subaru's hand.

The next moment, Subaru's eardrums caught a sound as if the very world had cracked.

The colors of the blue sky and the green, grassy field faded. Subaru Natsuki was being freed from the castle of dreams.

"—I'm returning outside, huh?"

Even then, it was unclear how, and why, he had arrived at that place.

What should he do first when he got back? His mind was in chaos over even an issue like that.

"Don't worry all by yourself. Do it together, with the people who consider you precious…"

"_______"

"Struggle together with the people who you do not wish to die, the people who do not wish to let you die. —And when even that fails, do not forget to fear death when you die."

"_______"

"Do not forget that when you die, it makes people sad—"

The world made a sound like it was breaking.

Satella's voice grew distant. And yet, it clawed terribly at Subaru's heart. The palm connecting him to her was hot. He felt a longing that told him he mustn't take his hand away.

"I…"

He called out to her, but his voice would not come out. His voice could not call her…Satella.

If he called her that, he wouldn't be able to reject her any longer. He would lose to his wanting to accept her. His soul kept on screaming at him, asking how he should deal with that emotion.

The sky was falling. The earth was splitting. Light flooded in, and the scene around them had already completely changed.

All signs of the Witches had vanished, too. The world consisted of Subaru and Satella alone.

There was a vanishing. And then, there was a beginning.

—Still unable to speak, Subaru stared at the Satella right in front of him.

"_______"

Suddenly, the curtain of darkness lifted.

The subconscious veil that had hidden from Subaru what he had not wished to see became transparent, making visible what rested across it.

And then, when he saw the face peering at him from below, Subaru drew in his breath.

Looking at Subaru, Satella made her silver hair sway, narrowing her violet eyes. And as tears coursed from the corners of those eyes—

"And someday—you will come to kill me, yes?"

She vanished.

She was gone.

The world was being erased, and he could no longer see even the girl who was right before his eyes.

The only thing that was still certain was the warmth within his palm. And so, Subaru gripped it tight.

"—I will save you. You'll see."

That was all he said to the lovely girl whom he could no longer see.