15 Bar Mitzvah To Club Mitzvah?
Well life sure has been odd for me. From lousy parents to kind-of-distant parents. From childhood friends to best friends. From past babysitters to molesters.
And now I can finally see the future.
Well more that the show I remember is almost upon us.
So can't wait! Booyah! Middle School is done and over and now it's vacation time! And then we will eventually finally get me my MMP! So hyped for this!
...
Well, I was going to be until the 'rents decided we should have an actual family vacation together. Like what the hell? I was gonna hang with my homies, yo!
I could say hell no, but they pulled the 'This is our way of telling you' card as we were already on the highway out of here! I tried to reason that I still needed clothes for this weird family outing.
Mrs. S: "We already packed your clothes, Ronald. You were sleeping so hard, you didn't even notice I was in your room."
Curse my dang deep sleeping!
Me: "You didn't even gave me a chance to say bye to my friends. I'm going to be in hot water when we get back home."
Mr. S: "They will understand that this is the Stoppable way. Now onto other news. You must understand, Ronald, that you never had a mitzvah. Usually a young man or woman will have their coming of age at 13. We did not have one for you and that is fine, you were already mature for your age, so we skipped having one for you."
More like you are cheap...
Mr. S: "I am telling you this because we are going to visit one of your cousins who is deciding to have his now before his marriage. We are going there to support him while your mother meets her family."
Me: "So he's... becoming a man before he 'becomes' a man?"
Mrs. S: "Ronald!"
Mr. S: "Essentially yes..."
Mrs. S: "Honey!!"
Me: "So you mean he's having a bachelor party and disguising it as a mitzvah. I can respect that."
Mrs. S: "Ronald!!"
Oh don't gasp like that. We all know that's what he is doing.
Me: "Fine. But I am only doing this under duress!"
.
.
.
At least the ceremony was interesting. Everyone was dressed up. Some guys decided to be silly and wear matching sets of propeller hats instead of their kippah. (That's the little cap on the head). They might have been admonished by the elderly women of the family.
And by admonished I mean they got cussed the eff out! You ever hear a man get cussed out in 5 different languages? Because I did.
I got to see uncle Ezra again. He's still an oddball. Still as wrinkly too.
Never thought I would have fun here, but surprisingly I did. I discovered that everyone was not as crappy as my parents were. Which still confuses me. I wonder why they were the way they were. Oh well, doesn't matter to me anymore.
I was quite popular with the kids and elderly women. I wow'd the kids with my flippity flips. I awed the ladies with my dancing abilities. Which isn't saying much when the grandma's can't dance too fast. But all in all, I was thankful to my best friends for teaching me all these things.
Which also means I was bullied in learning with them.
Semantics really.
But I was honestly surprised when the night came. Time passed by fast and the kids were led off to go to bed and the older guys went to smoke and enjoy their drinks.
What did the guys age 18 to 30 do? They were being rowdy and I already figured out why. Wasn't hard for me, really.
What else do men do before their marriage? Freaking strip clubs... I started heading away. I wanted my beauty sleep.
Cousin Izak (The guy getting married): "Ron! Hold up cuz!"
Seriously? I've known you all of 5 hours and you're already calling me cuz? ... I can respect that.
Me: "Mazel Tov cousin Izak. You excited for tomorrow?"
Izak: "You know it! But before that, I have to ask you a question."
Me: "Okay..?"
Izak: "You want to come with us guys for the after party? You're already a young man, so come join us!"
Me: "I already know where you're going cousin. I don't exactly think I can sneak in."
I mean seriously, who the heck takes a fourteen going on fifteen kid to a strip club?
Izak: "It's no big deal cuz. Come on, join us! You'll definitely like it! We're going to one of the best ones in town!"
...
Le sigh...
Yep. Why not? Never did it in my last life, so why not do it now just this once.
Me: "Fine, but I do this under duress!"
Izak: "I'm sure you do, little cuz."
.
.
.
They actually got me in.. For crying out loud the bodyguard was even clapping me on the back and laughing it up like it was the best thing he ever saw!
I honestly already want to leave. This isn't my kind of scene. And no, I don't diss the industry, it's just not what I enjoy.
The guys were tossing their money to the young ladies, a few guys were getting lap dances, they even had a 'private room' that a guy could pay for a VIP service if he chose or if a girl wanted to give someone a private dance.
Announcer: "Alright gentlemen! It's time for the star of the stage! The ever dazzling. The most desireable! The hottest thighs you men have ever seen! Give her a warm welcome! Brittany!"
Then the one person I never thought I would see again. Well not until a mission called for us to see each other again. Mine and the girls old classmate. Well kind of, she was two years older. Brittney Jackson.... Future Britania.
And she's dressed in a silver dress? Oh nvm.. There goes the middle part. It's one of those tearable clothes that.. oh my.. well there goes the bottom part.
I don't think the string she is wearing actually covered anything. Nope. No. It doesn't.
At least I can say the carpet matches the drapes...
The heathens to my sides were going nuts over her dance. She had place the pole between her cheeks and slowly, I do mean slooooowly, rode it up and down. She got close to the edge of the stage and took a classic sub position. Squatting down, resting her butt on her heel, she had her legs wide to give a show and had her arms behind her back to bare her bosom out.
The fact she kept the top on only made things worse as these guys were hooting and hollering to take it off. I could only hide my face in shame.
It didn't help with all the guys laughing it up at me.
With her show almost done, she actually strutted up to me and did something I never thought I'd see in my lifetime again... The god damn night elf dance from WoW.
And damn did she do it justice.
I maintained eye contact the entire time. Which must have amused her as she leaned down to stroke one finger along my jawline... Damnit girl. You were the girls' idol back in school. You were supposed to become an international idol! I even gave you the perfect stage name, which I stole from the show, but you loved it anyway!
Me: "Why Britania..?"
I think that got a stir out of her. Because she stopped, eyes wide at me, and quickly grabbed her money and got off the stage.
Ah crapsicle.
Izak: "Ah man, our little cuz scared off the lady! Don't worry little cuz, I did that alot too until I convinced my love to marry me."
Me: "Oh shut it... You guys enjoy the show, I need to use the bathroom."
I needed to wash my face.. palms.. hell, everything. I must have been sweating hard because my shirt is wet. Place is too confined for my taste.
I was walking out when a bodyguard stopped me. And why is he smiling?
Me: "Uh, yes sir?"
Scary as heck Bodyguard: "You have been requested for a private dance little man! Come on, you're the first one she's ever done this for!"
Me: "Can I say no?"
Joker Smiling Bodyguard: "She was rather insistent..."
Well fuck me.. Uh, not you. I don't think I'd survive the experience.
Well here we are. I'm in a VIP room. It's cozy. Mhmm.
Oh. The side entrance door opened..
It's Brittney.
And she's walking to me like a lioness.. I'm now scared. It was a good thing I left Rufus at the motel room or I'd be scared for his life!
She was looming over me when she had placed her legs over mine and straddled me. She was looking deep in my eyes...
Brittney: "It is you. There was only one guy who ever called me by that silly name. And I do have to say though, my, my, my, how you've grown little Ronald."
So tact... I kind of have none when cornered..
Me: "Why are you here? You were supposed to be a star.."
Ah crud. Her eyes had darkened before she dove into one toe curling searing hot kiss.
I should have resisted.. But man was she good. When her tongue traced my lips, I opened up and she drove in hard.
She was an amateur at this. This isn't like jousting!
It might have annoyed me.
I tossed us over and got away.
Me: "Enough Brittney! What the hell! What in the world are you doing?!"
Brittney: "Why, I'm giving my favorite customer of the night a special service."
No, no no, no no no no! This isn't supposed to be happening. Why is she here in the first place!
Me: "What happened... Why here? Why this?!"
Brittney had her legs wrapped around me while she pulled me down.
Brittney: "Because I'm a slut that enjoys the attention. Now give me what I want."
Me: "No! No, no, hell no! What happened to you?! You were supposed to be a star?! You were supposed to be Britania! International pop star! You were freaking amazing, SO WHY?!"
I know I am a little passionate about this, but I don't want to be the cause of ruining someone's life because I changed the original timeline?! Heck, what I did shouldn't have even effected her!
Oh.. Aw man, now she's crying...
