Re:of life

I'm what they call a NEET—a useless loner with no worth. 

At seventeen, I'm already a failure in life. My mom threw me out after a fight, and I can't even blame her. I haven't set foot in school for over a year. She was probably terrified for my future.

My older brother dragged me outside, dumping me on the Tokyo streets during a downpour. The rain soaked me to the bone, blending with the shame burning through my chest. All because I refused to go to school.

I knocked on the door, desperate to be let back in, but there was no answer. They had locked me out. I hit my mom. I deserved this.

If my dad were still around, things would have gone differently. He'd have beaten me black and blue instead. But he's in jail—has been since I was twelve. He killed two men—beat them to death when they tried to steal his bike. He was drunk out of his mind. I can't entirely blame him, but he didn't have to take their lives.

Sometimes, I think if he were still here, I'd have been thrown out long ago.

But what did I do wrong? Did I really deserve this? Was it because I didn't go to school? Or because I had no friends, no ability to socialize?

No… deep down, I know the truth. I was just making excuses, hiding in my comfort zone. I had chances to change. I could have done something—anything—but I didn't. I wasted it all. 

Maybe I could have started earning money online or built some kind of future for myself. Or at least made some friends, even if they were just online. The last time I had real friends was back in school, before I shut myself away.

I've always loved novels, manga, and games. Perhaps if I'd started writing my own stories, things would have been different. I'd have created something. But no—I just sat in my room, consuming others' stories, dreaming about lives I'd never live.

I'm worthless. Pathetic. I've never done anything meaningful. If I died right now, no one would truly care. Maybe my mom would cry, but she'd eventually move on. Her life would be better without me dragging her down.

Sometimes, I think it would be better if I just ended it. Then I wouldn't have to live like this anymore.

But... what if I got a second chance? A new start in another world, like in the novels I read? No responsibilities, no regrets—just a fresh slate.

Still, even if I did get that chance, would I really change? Or would I just fall back into the same habits, wasting my life again? Deep down, I want to change. I do. But putting in the work? That terrifies me more than anything.

The truth is, I've never been good at anything. Not since I was a child, back when I could laugh and play without a care in the world. If I could return to those days, maybe I'd be different. Maybe I'd find a way to fix my life.

But as I am now? I'll just grow into a bitter, middle-aged man, drowning in regret. Dying as a worthless NEET.

What could I do now? Could I change?

Probably not.

The cold breeze brushes against my skin, and my eyes fixate on the bridge's edge. Maybe… I should just end it.

If I do this, the pain will stop. I won't drag anyone down anymore. No more rotting away in my room, no more facing those accusing eyes. This world doesn't need me—I don't belong here.

Rain pours around me, filling the air with its relentless rhythm. The wind whistles past, carrying the sound of distant cars splashing through puddles, speeding by without a second glance.

I stand alone on the bridge, trembling as my legs carry me to the edge. My heart races. The bridge feels endless, yet so lonely. No one sees me. No one cares.

Fear grips me as I take that final step. The world blurs for a moment—everything goes dark, and the rain's loud sounds fade to silence. But it's just my head playing tricks. The rain comes back into focus, and the ground rushes toward me, closer and closer.

Regret floods my mind, crashing over me like a wave. All the things I never did, the words I never said—they tear at me.

I wish I could say sorry to my mom. Just once. But it's too late.

"Puhh—"

My head slams against the cold, wet ground. Pain explodes through me, sharp and unbearable. Blood pools around me, warm against the freezing rain.

Then, a blinding light streaks toward me. It's getting closer, faster. Is this… the end?

No. It's a car.

I forgot the bridge was above a busy road. The vehicle speeds over me, its wheels crushing my body. I feel everything. My ribs snap, my chest caves, and fire spreads through my veins. My blood flows freely, mixing with the rainwater around me.

It hurts. God, it hurts.

As my vision fades, an abyss meets me—a dark, painless void

A strange peace washes over me, even as the pain lingers mentally.

Maybe this is it. Maybe I'll finally be free.