Dicktective Kai

Hentai Shinobi Rule 33: A single misstep in the Orgasm Jutsu marks the difference between pounding a new life and an unfortunate spill on the velvety mattress.

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The Uzumaki Residence accommodates a roster of servants and housekeepers ranging from the Head Butler—Tenjin, to Jiten, the Chef. There were nine employees alongside Kai, Kushina, and Mito. The youth never had any reason to suspect their loyalties until yesterday. However, Kai was now on a mission after losing a poorly thought-out bet to an unknown slut. Sure, the most efficient decision in finding that soiled cunt's identity was talking about his findings to Mito. Yet, that would also involve Kai needing to inform the kind first Lady what he'd been doing to her likeness. That was unacceptable to Kai. So, he had to take matters into his own hands and question the most damning suspect alongside his trusted Cinnamon.

"Kira! Kreeeee! Kira! Klk! I'm cumming, Kira!" The suspect shrieked.

"I know what you are! Don't make me toss you into the wok!" Kai hissed as Cinnamon coiled around his left middle finger and inspected the kitchen bereft of the old codger Jiten. His left hand firmly held a piece of shrieking feathered meat upside down over an oil-dressed wok now sizzling and smoking with aroma—a few breaths away from burning. Should he ruin the perfectly seasoned wok, Kai understood how furious Jiten would be. However, sacrifices were a must in his quest for answers—

"Let my parrot go, you short-minded maniac!" A furious shout pinned Kai and Cinnamon in their spots as the latter's body went stiff before she slithered into the former's sleeves. The boy repressed a sigh and turned off the heat before turning on his heels as the dimly lit kitchen did wonders to add to the swiftly condensing tension. With a parrot in his hands, Kai grimly looked at the balding middle-aged man dressed in the usual residence attire of a breezy cream robe with the Uzumaki spiral on the back and dark trousers.

"You're here." Kai punctuated with a stone-cold somberness. Unfortunately, moments away from losing his pet parrot, the outraged Head Butler didn't have any of it.

"Of course! Oh, you mad fool! What are you doing with Juntaro? Have you finally lost it? Hand him back! Don't make me involve Mito-sama. She'd smack your bottom red for this!"

Kai winced before shifting a malicious gaze at the parrot. Then, he sighed. The parrot wasn't a human. He had already checked it with the transformation jutsu and was just having some fun practicing torture techniques on the poor fellow.

"Fine," Kai drawled and unclenched his fist, freeing the parrot that swiftly flapped its wings before flying into Tenjin's embrace. Kai calmly watched and appreciated Tenjin's care for the parrot—whatever its name might be.

"You aren't off the hook," Tenjin resumed, glaring at Kai after ensuring his pet's safety as the boy shrugged. "Do your worst. I'll just rat you out to Kira-san. Your parrot says you've enjoyed imagining her quite a bit."

Seeing the somewhat wheat-skinned man turning as pale as a ghost was fun. Kai's smirk widened as he continued. "I imagine she and Shinto-san would love laughing at your expense."

The man's fears turned into fury as he almost snapped his parrot in a tight embrace. "Y-You can't speak things like this! Besides, Kira won't step out of our marriage." Tenjin's tone retained a firm belief, yet his gaze betrayed heartache—something Kai would hate to waste.

So, the boy leaned back while tapping the forehead protector tied to his head. "Are you aware I graduated from the academy with flying colors?"

Tenjin snorted, "So? Do you see me filling your pockets with D-ranked missions? Say your piece. I planned to report your actions to Mito-sama anyway."

"Aren't you curious when Kira and Shinto-san meet each other?"

Tenjin's lips parted—

"What are you assholes doing in my kitchen?! I said I'd skin that filthy bird, eat it, and serve my shit to you as dinner if it ever entered my kitchen! Have you gone mad, you cunt? I should have fucked your mom and cucked your deadbeat dad when I had the chance! Would have saved the world some trouble from stopping your birth!"

An aged hand unceremoniously delivered a punch to Tenjin's liver from behind as the middle-aged man winced and quickly gave away to the hunchbacked Jiten.

"Oh, hi," Kai greeted with a gentle smile.

"Why is there burnt oil on my wok?" Jiten demanded with a single whiff as Kai worked his jaw before sighing. "I'm off to the pond."

"Wait—"

Jiten and Tenjin shouted as the boy flickered away. The men grunted with frustration. However, Tenjin had admirable mental faculties to swiftly retreat from the kitchen lest Old Jiten vents another lump of verbal fury on him.

<<<>>>

"What do you know?" Tenjin demanded the moment he located Kai crouched near the pond, his hand dipped into the water as he enjoyed the chilly water. It was nearing spring, and the snow had since melted from the residence and Konoha. However, the weather remained cold and dry, like Kai's sweet smirk. The boy didn't feel Tenjin would think less of a genin due to that specific title.

Tsunade had already driven the point that the Shinobi culture liked viewing genin as adults since they are expected to kill on command. Sure, it was moronic in Kai's eyes. Just because the administration groomed the students to kill didn't mean they shared an adult's cognition. However, Kai barely cared about all that.

Changing the world?

Making it a better place?

That would take too much time. Kai could either invest his time making a harem of the hottest Kunoichi or save the world.

The answer was and will forever remain—tits.

So, he needed to deal with obstacles on that road, namely the slut prancing around as Mito-sama!

"I may have found a thing or two while practicing my cloak of invisibility," Kai crossed his arms. "But why should I tell you? You've always tried to make my life difficult with more and more work."

Honestly, Kai—the previous host and current one—didn't care a smidgen about it. The previous host was a gentler soul yet to be tainted by the experiences Kai endured, and the current one loved the work since it brought him SP. However, a kid was to be expected to hold some grudges. The genin narrowed his eyes and displayed slight childish angst, scoffing carelessly. "I wouldn't even bother your kind if I wasn't looking for something."

Tenjin's eyes gleamed as he noticed an opportunity to make things work. So, he announced, "How about I help you find what you're looking for, and you tell me what you saw about Kira."

Although Tenjin loathed the idea of suspecting his wife, he had felt doubtful since Shinto's arrival—another servant under the residence.

"Really? You?" Kai sniffed and pointed his nose a bit high. "I'm a Genin and still couldn't find Mito-sama's gift. How're you going to help me?"

"I can take you to others' quarters and let you search it," Tenjin smiled kindly, offering sincere support with a dose discreet query. "So? About Kira… what did you see?"

"Oh," Kai frowned, seemingly pondering the offer. However, he got what he wanted—a valid entry into other servants' quarters to inspect and search for the slut. Still, he decided to toss a bone to the man. "I saw Kira and Shinto-san near his quarter. However, I will only tell—"

"What are you two bickering about?"

An aged voice broke their conversation with a stern tone, and the duo almost jumped out from their skins before directing their gazes to Mito, who walked with an aid. Despite leaning wearily against the crutch, she narrowed her wrinkled eyelids at the interrupted duo.

"Nothing, Mito-Sama," Tenjin spoke first, tossing Kai a cautious look before clearing his throat. "I was hoping to—"

"Kira! I'm—" The man's pet parrot chose the moment of the century to unleash damning words when Tenjin hurriedly shoved his finger past the parrot's beak and sweated. "A-Ah! I need to put Juntaro in his cage. Please, excuse me, Mito-sama."

The middle-aged man looped around the yard and left the area as Kai tilted his head and blinked at Mito, unable to hold his curiosity. So, he approached Mito and helped her stand straight with practiced motions, inquiring, "What are you doing out here, Mito-Sama? I thought you needed to rest after the massage and lemon cake."

<<<>>>

Now, Mito couldn't openly admit she didn't want Kai's investigation to ruin the residence's peace, right? Her fears almost came true when she let a clone follow Kai and realized the boy was about to damage her Head Butler's relationship with his wife irreparably. Mito knew all too well that relationships were complicated and not everything was all it seemed. So, Mito understood where Tenjin's fears stemmed from and how he had nothing to worry about since Shinto swung his bat for the other party.

"Why am I here?" Mito chuckled as her free hand formed a seal. Well, she felt a little guilty for what she would do. However, she knew it was the least questionable decision she'd undertaken in this week. Her hand held a familiar scroll with a poof of smoke as she watched Kai's eyes widen.

"Why don't you tell me?" Mito began the gaslighting jutsu. "You left the gift I gave you at my doorstep a few minutes ago."

"Uh? Huh?" Kai retained his daze until he swiftly snatched the scroll from Mito's hand with a healthy dusting of red on his cheeks. "You shouldn't touch that, Mito-Sama… I think it's dirty." The boy recovered his composure and declined his head until Mito couldn't see the boy's ponderous features. As they say—if you can't beat them, confuse 'em.

Despite her inability to watch Kai's features, she sensed his confusion, followed by twisted ire that tickled her fancies.

"I misplaced it, Mito-sama," Kai spoke truthfully. "That's what I was trying to find, and I asked Head Butler about it." He skillfully avoided the existence of the parrot as he walked Mito to her room.

"Misplaced?" Mito's hum seeped with barely hinted amusement as she questioned, "Are you sure?"

Should she try it?

Keeping things hidden flavored her expeditions. However, like many Uzumaki before her, she was the greedy sort. And Kai from yesterday was anything but a boy, much less a sweet and tender one. His hands that always worshipped her feet unleashed hidden depths of expertise Mito never knew he possessed. Had it not been for her control, she might have had her face tucked into his pillow and her ass hanging high in the sky with whatever she could shove inside.

So, Mito began to enjoy unraveling the mystery she'd failed to view for a few years.

She wanted to see how the man who had his hand on her jaw and hair—and words that stripped all her honor and self-respect—would fare against some attacks.

"I must have sensed things wrong," Mito added. "I know you treasure that portrait. Do you think someone stole it? Let us inspect your bedroom."

"No!" Kai snapped as his hand squeezed hers before he cleared his throat and admirably quelled his instinctive panic. "Nobody entered my room, Mito-sama. I seal the door before leaving and would know if someone entered it."

"Very well," Mito smiled. "I won't interfere in the matter, dear." She paused as they reached her bedroom. "However, I hope you don't fret over my counsel should you require it. I have my untouched seals in the residence, and we can find the source of all the confusion whenever we like."

"YOU'RE the source of all the chaos, you perverted bitch!"

Mito's smile slightly widened as she observed Kai's expression shifting from shock to doubt and his emotions ranging from guilt to a strictly hidden desire.

<<<>>>

Kai returned to his room.

What an eventful day. Not only he failed to eat the parrot, but he also got fucked over by the slut.

Was the act of dropping Mito's portrait at her doorstep a warning?—wondered Kai. He could see the slut panicking over the chaos he might have created and decided to put an end to things before dropping the crucial evidence he'd been searching for.

Hesitating, Kai pulled open the shelf of his nightstand and found another identical scroll inside.

The Onahole Slut.

Kai clenched his jaw before revealing a sharp gleam. He calmly closed the shelf and kept the vanilla portrait on his mattress, touching the walls of his room and infusing tendrils of chakra within.

The news of Mito maintaining seals in the quarters almost gave Kai a panic attack. However, he was curious if Mito was aware of the things he'd committed here—probably not, or she would have said something. For some reason, Kai had momentarily hoped Mito knew about his shenanigans. He'd wished to truly let one of the most respected Kunoichi of her time know how he'd insulted her likeness—especially yesterday.

However, it looked like Mito wasn't aware of anything, including the slut hidden in his nightstand.

'There it is,' Kai noticed one of the sealing nods hidden inside the wall and continued inspecting the walls, ceiling, and floor. Soon, Kai identified the seal's makeup and tweaked its activation instead of removing it, earning Mito's doubts. Now, Kai would know about the seal's activation and would be able to perform disguises to maintain Mito's trust.

'As for you…' Kai glanced at the nightstand before sporting a vicious smirk. There was a reason aside from sentiments that led Kai to search for the portrait. His reasoning was simple—the slut must have possessed the portrait in their true form, where their transformation jutsu might not have masked their scent.

*Poof*

Kai transformed into a bloodhound ninken before climbing his bed and sniffing the portrait. Yet, he almost howled in frustration like a dog when he failed to capture anyone's scent but his and Mito's. Annoyingly so, the transformed slut inside his nightstand also had Mito's scent.

Reverting the transformation, Kai idly fell on the bed and groaned.

"Fuck you. Stay in that nightstand all you like."—Another loss of what felt like a decent clue distressed Kai. He didn't need to nut—he needed the grind.

Or Tsunade's tits.

'Nope,' Kai sat back up and pulled the shelf. 'No way I give up before breaking this slut!'

"Let's see how you deal with one hour of proper treatment!"

Kai could grind his ero-skills just as well.

<<<>>>

February 16th, Thirstday.

Team Yuhi—Team 2—led by Jonin Shinku Yuhi, consisted of Ken Sarutobi, Yuna, and Norisho Nara. The Jonin instructor firmly believed in the Will of Fire, entailing the protection of the future generation over destroying the village's future, and his teachings reflected that. He was strict when instructing his team about other basics of the Shinobi way and also picked out apparent flaws in the team's mannerisms. For instance, Shinku forced the arrogance out of Ken Sarutobi and his boasts about being related to the Third Hokage.

It was a childish thing to boast.

The Kage isn't a permanent title but a damning responsibility, and one shouldn't boast of it. Sure, such a loss of fire led to the swift breakup between Ken and Yuna. However, Shinku believed it was a good thing in the long run. Similarly, the Jonin had Yuna train hard as the team's medic and forced Genjutsu training on Norisho to prevent Nara's characteristic languidness from prevailing over the boy.

D-rank missions were crucial for these acts. Shinku would go out of his way to train his team as they performed errands. Still, their hard work allowed them to become the team with the second-highest mission record of the year—22—right ahead of Team 6's (Jiraiya) record of 18 D-ranked missions. If the talks of the Jonin circles are to be believed, then Jiraiya kept a lenient hand on his team, allowing Minato to continue his part-time shifts whenever possible, letting Dekai learn cooking, and Hiruna Uchiha to focus on private teachings from his clan.

In stark contrast was Team 9, led by Tsunade, boasting a startling record of 76 D-ranked missions.

That was a problem.

No, it wasn't a hidden competition between Jonins to see who could do more D-ranked missions. For the genins without instructors, D-ranked missions provided a stream of steady income and resources. It allowed those genins to interact with Konoha's population and acquire a social status that motivated them to promote Konoha's well-being. For those with Jonin instructors, D-ranked missions proved to be good training material since the Jonin instructors observed various flaws within the team and rectified those issues.

So, the D-ranked missions only felt to have an infinite supply because of their tedious nature and the reluctance of genins to complete them instead of focusing on 'cool shit.' Meanwhile, it was an unwritten rule that Chunins and above did not touch these missions exclusively for the Genins. Again, it was more about social expectations. Sure, some Chunin who disregarded these unwritten rules also found themselves landing B or A-ranked missions for disciplinary purposes.

As such, Team 9's massive mission completion rate of 2 D-ranked missions almost daily proved terrible for the rest of this year's and the previous year's teams.

Why?

Because other genins outside the team system always enjoyed a priority on these D-ranked missions. That's how Konoha's economy functioned—everyone needed and desired jobs. There were still middle-aged Genins who never improved further than their current ranks for various reasons and remain unambitious today.

Sure, Shinku knew these were also the men who died first in a war. However, there won't be any further conflicts of such scale, right?

"A C-ranked mission?" Shinku frowned. It was too early for that. His question made Hiruzen lean back as the Hokage glanced at the two other administrative workers sorting out different missions. Sighing, Hiruzen squeezed out a calm look despite everything going on behind the scenes.

"Indeed," Hiruzen eyed Team 2. "I believe this mission is suited for Team Yuhi."

There wasn't much to say. Shinku knew, like him, other Jonin teams would face C-ranked missions instead of enjoying the luxury of choosing their preferred D-ranked missions—and it was all because of—

<<<>>>

"You there!"

Kai and Kushina paused as they stepped out of the Uzumaki residence, noticing a team of three genins a few steps away into the street.

'Rikudo!' Kai blinked. 'Are they posing on us?' He observed the three boys adopting several poses. One of them crouched on a fence, the other leaned against a tree, and the third stood upside down on the branch of the same tree with his arms crossed.

Kai and Kushina shared a glance before approaching them. Kai noticed their fatherless behavior at a glance and couldn't let such shit slide.

"Yes?" Kai smiled. His gaze shifted to their kunai pouches and other visible weapons on display. The youth standing upside down from the branch also strapped a sword on his back—something Kai intended to practice soon enough.

Since it was early morning, civilians had yet to open their stores, and the streets were yet to be crowded. A few people dotted the paved paths, but they didn't bother with the group of five genins. A thin fog hung around them, casting a natural camouflage as the trio of boys glared at Kai.

"You're Kai?" The one standing upside down spoke after realizing their hardened stares barely intimidated the freshly graduated genins.

"Your mother finally told you about me?" Kai made a bold assumption that the boy had parents. Besides, the confrontational tone and the aggressive glares from the trio didn't earn them any favors.

"Wait, Aunty knows about you?" The one crouched over the fence tilted his head. What a sweet and naive soul he was as the one standing upside down revealed an enraged look after earning minor humiliation.

"No, dumbass. He's insulting Aunty and saying he's Momo's pops," the one leaning against the tree shrugged before snickering.

'Okay, so he's Momo,' Kai stared at Momo before flickering away. Kushina also moved instantly as the three boys didn't know what hit them.

"Huff!" Kushina exhaled as she shoved the rude boy sitting over the fence against the ground, her leg firmly planted on the back of his head. She glanced at Kai and noticed how he had already knocked the other two out, with Momo falling from the tree and lying on the ground in a curled position.

"What did they want, dattebane?"

"Who knows," Kai shrugged. "Why'd I even bother wasting my time listening to them? They wanted a fight and got it." Dusting his palms, Kai grinned. "Come on. We're going to get late."

Kushina blinked before smirking and skipping up to Kai. "Good," she trilled.

"Why's that good?" Kai raised an eyebrow.

"You love acting the perfect thing around Tsunade-Sensei and try fishing rewards from her. Getting late is good 'cause that ruins your record."

"I could flicker away and leave you behind," Kai giggled.

"Noooo!" The girl instantly hugged his arm. "Besides, I promised to help you build a harem, dattebane! You can't let Tsunade-Sensei get all of you! W- we need to find more options."

Kai rolled his eyes as they walked away.

"Uhh… Momo… I'm telling Sensei you picked a fight over a fresh graduate just because you were too scared for another C-ranked mission."—moaned the boy, who Kushina thrashed into the ground.

<<<>>>

What waited for Kai, Kushina, and Mikoto near Training Ground 3 wasn't their usual D-rank mission. Much to Kai's annoyance, it was an inefficient C-rank mission.

[C-Rank Quest: Weeding Filth

Summary: Ensure Chikara Town's protection by dealing with a sudden band of bandits terrorizing the region and kidnapping several civilians for unknown purposes.

Rewards: 10000 Ryo; 5 SP

Failure: Tsunade's Disappointment; A Red Mark For Insubordination In Host's File Within Konoha's Administration; Words of Encouragement From The Third Hokage; Possible deaths in Team 9.]

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Alternate Title: Kai's Immaculate Suspicions; Kai Would Suspect Everyone—Even a Rock—But Mito; The Coomer Parrot; Marriage Issue Exists *Kai: Bonjour*; Torturing a Parrot Is a New High In Kai's Life; Kai Teaches Cinnamon How To Deal With Other Orphaned Pets; Jiten Is The OG Cusser; Even Kai Doesn't Want To Deal With The Old Cook; The Servitude Suspect; Mito Had To Step In; Mito: I Can't Have Chaos *Also Mito: Keeps Poking Kai To Build Chaos*; Mito To Everyone: Stately, Elegant, And Strict *Mito To Kyubi: Cunt*; If You Can't Win Them, Confuse Them; Mito Learned The Gaslight Jutsu Which Will Evolve Into Talk no Jutsu; Kai Looks At The Culprit Before Apprehending an Unfortunate Orphan Child; Never Let Kai Become Konoha's Police; Kai Can Never Be The Child Of Prophecy; Kai's The Next Kaguya—One Like Tits And The Other Dicks; Kai: The Portrait Is Dirty, Mito-Sama *Mito: I Know. I Was Molded In It*; Kai Must Resist Using The Onahole Slut *Impossible Challenge*; Mito's Fingerblasting Arc; Kai: If You Can't Beat Them, Fuck Them *Unzips His Pants Against Female Madara*; Kai: Is Mito's Most Loyal Support *Also Kai: Humiliates Her In Every Manner Possible*; Kai Hates Fatherless Behaviors Because He Holds The Patent; Konoha: You Must Do D-Ranked Missions *Kai: Does Them All* Konoha: Chotto Matte!; Sad Arc of Yuna Falling For Big Dick Dekai Instead of Ken Sarutobi; The NTR Sub-plot?; Shinto's Gay?; Kai: I Don't Know Who You Are, But You've Got a Fight; Kai And Kushina: Beat First And Ask Later; Kushina's Big Brain Plan (She Only Has Two Braincells); The C-ranked Mission; The Diminishing D-ranked Missions Means Konoha's Happy… But Also Isn't; Konoha Economics 101; The Role Of Jobs; Kira's Violation

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