8 Prelude to Assfuckery

"Valtheim Towers. It used to be a proper bridge, until bandits took over and started collecting money from people passing by." Hadvar, being the more knowledgeable individual out of us, spoke while pointing to a tower bridge in the distance.

"How do you want to go past it?" Ralof turned to us.

"Let's try to talk to them. If we can befriend them, maybe they can stop being bandits!"

"Kill them."

"We should grab bottles of mead, drink a few, put a strip of cloth in the remaining bottles, drink a few again, light up the cloth strips, and throw it at them."

It should be obvious which dialogue belongs to who.

"Bob, they're bandits. There's literally no way they would listen." Hadvar explained to the overly friendly guy.

"But everyone is capable of change, you just have to believe!"

"They killed hundreds of people."

"It doesn't matter! I believe there is kindness is everyone and we just bla bla bla"

I guess I'm not the only one tired of listening to that bullshit. Even the author is tired of it. He's probably writing this at 1am in the morning while high on coffee.

"I worry about Bob." Ralof went over and spoke, watching Hadvar and Bob debate.

"Same." I nod. "He's so naive. One day he's gonna be sold as food to vampires without knowing."

"And he would be smiling."

"He definitely would be."

And with that, Bob received two pitying gazes.

Anyways, it seems like Hadvar and Bob finished arguing. Hadvar looked done with life while Bob looks very uh, sunny. I wonder how he recovered from hangover. He was a literal sloppy mess.

"We'll try to negotiate." Hadvar sighed.

Negotiate? Hadvar, we can barely afford arrows. I'm wearing clothes from a corpse because we can't afford buying one for me.

"Let's trade Bob in exchange for a passage."

"Ralof, how could you!?" I gasp.

"Indeed! We're friends!" Bob chimed in.

"We should also ask for some food and mead in addition to a passage. Ivarstead is quite far." I add.

"I agree."

"Aria, not you too!" Bob pouted. Which is not visually appealing. He's a fully grown adult male.

"Alright, stop it." Hadvar came in between.

"Ralof and I will approach first. Adam, get in position to take out the bandits in case they try to be violent. Aria and Bob, you two are backup. If things doesn't go as planned, rush in." Hadvar added.

"Is that understood?"

"""Yes!"""

Cool, a plan.

What's the worst that could happen?

**********

This is the worst that could happen.

"So mead really is flammable..."

That comment came ignored as we all stared at the scene in front of us. There's fire, more fire, and lastly, another fire.

If you didn't quite get it already, the tower is in fucking flames.

It's really weird how this happened. The plan started as planned, Ralof and Hadvar came to negotiate. Then of course, bandits being bandits, they tried to get touchy and sever their limbs.

But Ralof and Hadvar are my friends! How can I just let a random bandit cut off their limbs and torture them to death?

So, I sent an arrow through the bandit's skull.

He died, obviously. The human body isn't really made for having a stick shoved in your head.

And then chaos ensued.

Ralof and Hadvar started killing people. Aria and Bob backed them up.

Bob seems to have gotten more used to using a sword. He can deflect a few attacks here and there. And well, that's all he did. He's still struggling with one bandit.

At the same time, Aria just cut a bandit in half.

They're doing well.

I was of course, being an archer, sniping people 360 no-scope and hitting headshots through my legs. And I seem to have killed someone holding a bottle of mead and a torch.

Since the brain kinda dies when a stick goes through it violently, the body falls down. Bottle of mead breaks, spilling mead, and the torch kind of landed on it.

Then things led to one another and the tower is in flames.

"We don't have to pay for that don't we?" I ask.

"There's a chance." Hadvar answered.

"To be fair, we did liberate it from bandits."

"The tower is on fire."

"It's made of stone. It won't break."

Let's ignore the ominous rumbling coming from the towers.

"I think we should leave."

"That's a wonderful idea Ralof."

And so, we left without looking back.

**********

It's night.

We decided to camp nearby. Just a little walk off the road, right beside the river.

Valtheim Towers aren't burning anymore fortunately. It also didn't collapse. Mainly because it's made of stone. And stones don't really burn.

"How did the towers even go up in flames if it's made of rocks?"

"Aahhhehnggeyege?"

"What?"

"He meant: I don't fucking know, just roll with it."

"Oh okay."

I got to say, Ralof is starting to understand my way of speaking better. He actually got what I meant.

Someone might ask: But Adam, why don't you just speak normally?

Word count.

"Adam. Fish." I turned to the voice, greeted with Aria holding a roasted skewered fish.

"Oh thanks." I grabbed the fish and bit into it.

Wow.

Tastes like shit.

"Did you people even put salt?"

"We're poor."

Oh okay.

I bit into the fish again.

Wait a fucking second...

I turned to my quiver nearby.

"Did you use my arrows as skewers?"

"I just used a few." Hadvar, in the middle of roasting fish over the campfire answered.

"Define few."

"Twelve."

Well, fuck me sideways. That's all my remaining arrows.

"We are fucked."

"Language."

Fuck you too Ralof. Wannabe Captain America. You can't even be an officer in the Stormcloak. Bet Ulfric doesn't even remember your name.

"What's the matter, Adam?" Hadvar asked, rotating the skewered fish in his hand.

"I ran out of arrows."

"Oh, my bad."

Violence is not the answer. Violence is not the answer. Violence is not the answer. Violence is not the answer.

"Ralof, help!"

"Deal with it yourself."

"Aria, help! Adam is trying to stab me!"

"Hm."

"Bob!"

"He's asleep."

"FUCK! DON'T STICK IT IN THERE! NO! STOP! AHHHHHH—"

The night did not bode well for Hadvar.

**********

Okay. So I'm out of arrows.

This is terrible. Bow and arrows is the only thing I'm good at. I'm not really supposed to throw swords at people now, am I?

...that might be feasible.

"Adam." Ralof called out, still sitting near the fire.

It's deep in the night now, and everyone else is asleep. Hadvar is tied to a tree and asleep(unconscious), Aria laid down by herself far away from us, and Bob has his limbs spread out while asleep near me.

"What's up?" I raised an eyebrow. I was just about to sleep too.

"If you could wish for anything, what would it be?"

That's an interesting question. Weird coming from Ralof though, but eh. Is he thinking of having a heart to heart talk with me? About him questioning his ideals and discovering that not everything is as it seems and solving the civil war and all that?

lmao no

"I want an Anzio 20mm magically customized to be semi-automatic, with a nonlogical scope that can go night-vision and thermal, with infinite ammo that can be changed from normal 20mm to Explosives and Armor Piercing."

"U-uh? What?"

"Nothing. Go to sleep."

"Er, okay. Sure."

**********

Morning.

"Adam, what's that long tube thing you're hugging while asleep?"