memories bring back...

{"There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain

When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same

Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name

'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah"

~Memories by Maroon 5}

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In his junior year Mingzhou was more mature. All the pretty boys didn't matter to him anymore, he was going to focus on building his career. Junfei however disagreed, "let me have some fun as a senior, Mingzhou!"

He flirted with girls and boys who came up to him. He smiled shyly sometimes, boldly other times and charmed the socks off of those who flitted by him. It made Mingzhou's eyes sharper in a way, looking out for those who could potentially get closer to Junfei differently than himself and also used that same cold glare to drive said suitors away. He didn't want to lose his best friend.

But the older boy smiled flirtatiously at anyone who spent more than three seconds admiring his large cat-like eyes, tall nose and boxy grin. They gaped openly at his lean but filled out body when he decided to wear something more snug, an attire that drew attention because it was so different from his usual hoodies and sweats.

Mingzhou's fierce protectiveness shone through his otherwise unbothered exterior two weeks into the new academic year.

Junfei met another group of boys, who were also Chinese. They were transfer students and would stay for a year. The tallest of the group, Yuanlin, seemed to get along really well with Junfei. It made Mingzhou salty when the older boy would move to sit on the prickly grass than inside the cafeteria where the two had been sitting since the first day of their first year of high school.

'He doesn't even like to sit under the sun,' Mingzhou thought to himself as he picked up his lunch tray and followed the older boys who had already cozied themselves under the minimal shade of the Cherry blossom trees, talking animatedly about something that was lost on Mingzhou's ears.

*

Junfei was late from practice. Mingzhou was sitting on the small sofa, waiting for him to return with soda and popcorn for the first movie night in weeks. He sat there for half an hour before Jun came in like a whirlwind.

"What took you so long?" Mingzhou whined, turning on the TV finally.

Junfei didn't reply.

His eyes were dazed. Cheeks flushed, lips swollen.

"Did you get into a fight?!" Mingzhou sat upright, pulling Junfei into the seat beside him. That sudden movement snapped him out of it.

"What? No no," the other boy pursed his lips to hide a smile. "Guess who landed himself a boyfriend~"

It wasn't the reply he was expecting. He sat back in shock. "You kissed...Yuan-"

"Well, he kissed me. Waited for practice to end. Sort of just happened."

Mingzhou swallowed and plastered a huge grin. He'd have to share Junfei. "Do we cheers to this or what! Get the soda and popcorn, then you can tell me all about Yuanlin."

*

They were quite happy together. Until the term ended. Then their graduation happened and Yuanlin had to leave. It wasn't a tearful parting. They knew it would happen, but it was emotional in a mental sense.

Junfei was moping in the most Junfei way. He hid his sadness behind smiles and hung out with many people to avoid the spotlight from glaring on him to get him to open up about the mutual breakup.

"Are you really okay?" Mingzhou prodded on a sunny day, when they were just lying down on the cold floor in their room. Their heads were together, elbows knocking, feet touching.

"He was the first person to ever be that close to me, you know?" he smiled a little.

It stung.

"But I don't feel terrible about the break up, because we're so young and there's so much more ahead of us."

"Then why do you look sad?"

He opened his mouth, unable to find the right thing to say and shut it again. Junfei looked like a fish. A handsome fish. A merman, Mingzhou's brain supplied. "He was the first person I've dated... maybe it's like a hangover period."

First person I've dated. Not the first person I've liked.

The distance between them was so little but he felt so far away from Junfei. Mingzhou's throat was parched, he blamed it on the sweltering heat.

*

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*

Mingzhou walked out of the lecture hall, tightening the scarf around his neck, if he wound that thing any higher he'd be mistaken for a very festive mummy. But he couldn't bear the cold anymore, his nose was frozen and red. Junfei would have called him Rudolf the red-nosed Reindeer. Mingzhou would have grumbled, but with a smile nonetheless.

~x~

He remembered the day they saw the first snow together, all bundled up in their ragged blankets that still smelt like the slightly burnt pork they had cooked the day before. He was staring at the blanket of fresh white snow that had smoothed itself on the ground, providing a warm sort of comfort for something that cold.

Junfei had sneaked up behind him and smeared red paint on his nose and then forced a too-small headband of antlers onto Mingzhou's head and ran away from him yelling Christmas carols to drown his shouts of protest.

But since Mingzhou wasn't all that good at denying Junfei anything, he kept it on. Jun also put on a headband that had a poorly constructed Christmas tree on it and that mollified him, seeing how much more ridiculous the older looked in comparison to him despite the smudge of red that was painted onto his own nose. Maybe that's why he chose to wear the flimsy green tree instead of the velvety antlers; always more thoughtful than he let on.

They spent the remaining part of that evening singing carols and drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate (with marshmallows for Junfei and whipped cream for Mingzhou).

~x~

"Hey, Xie Mingzhou! We're partners you know, you can't leave just yet," someone called from the back of the classroom. It wasn't an admonishing tone. It sounded like a wake-up call to Mingzhou who had embarrassingly spent three minutes staring into space thinking of his favourite Christmas eve with Junfei.

"We can meet in the afternoon tomorrow. Near the cherry blossom trees by the library." He was only feeling a little bit nostalgic. High school did that to you sometimes.

"It's Kim Minseok, by the way. Just so you know who you're working with."

*

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"Mingzhouu~ how are you these days? Film and dance is tough, but I'm having fun, you know?"

Junfei had left him a voicemail.

It's been a few months since they've talked. Mingzhou had a genuine tendency of forgetting to open his texts just as Junfei never replied unless deemed necessary.

"How is your photography getting along? I bet you're so busy you have forgotten about me, that's it isn't it? Not a single message. I'm hurt~"

You could've texted me first, Mingzhou exhaled.

In the background he heard a faint voice, "Jun-ah, what do you want for dinner? I'm torn between shrimp and samgyeopsal…"

He bit his lip at the easy way Junfei's roommate said the nickname. A very familiar voice too.

"Do you want to kill poor Wonhyuk with shrimp? Again?" He snickered, "let's get meat instead."

Junfei had no qualms about Mingzhou hearing the conversation with his roommates (he was right, it was Kang Sangtae) apparently because he'd just sent this one anyway.

His voce returned through the speaker, spilling into Mingzhou's ears like water that had broken a dam, "anyways, call me when you're free, it's been a long time."

A laugh was heard in the back and Junfei joined in before remembering that the voicemail was still running. There was an abrupt end to the loud, gleeful laugh that he hadn't heard in oh, so long. It was like the abrupt end to their lifelong friendship.

God, Mingzhou always got so angsty in the winter. 'So much exaggeration,' he thought to himself, 'just because Junfei can make friends and you're a silent hermit.'

Mingzhou pocketed his phone. Hermit sounded way too close to Kermit and he was not about to think whether Junfei had to punch in the emoticon of a frog on his phone to call Mingzhou. No, he wouldn't think about that.

*

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He walked to the dormitories and put away his laundry from the pile where it was mixed with his roommate's socks and jeans. He sat down at his desk to finish any remaining assignments, study for his midterms that were approaching faster than he'd felt prepared for and to expel any lingering thoughts about Wei Junfei.

But his mind was a traitor, for as soon as he checked his exam timetable his only thought was, 'Junfei would be bulldozing through his studies, even if he procrastinates like no other.'

*

One of his courses required him to write an essay on 'The photo of Vague moments of Life'. In the distance migratory birds flew past his window and his eyes landed on his red snapback that lay discarded on his unmade bed.