A letter to Maddison Iyves

I sat in my sulking room, staring into two little things. My dad's final letter and Khai's portrait. Diana falls into a nap on the sofa after we had our lunch. We decided to just take it away. Who knows she's good at drawing? I'm impressed. I went upstairs to hang my new treasure. But I was stumbling upon the letter.

I slowly hold into it as my heart's hurt. Would I forgot about my father too if I don't have this letter?

To be honest...I already did. I forgot about the existent of this letter. I haven't think about him as much as before. Nor that I have any single nightmare about him, hanging anymore. I almost forgot about him. And what's worse, probably, is that I almost forget how he looks too. Knowing that I don't have a single photo of him. I had completely forgotten about my father. Until now. Tears fall onto the desk as I bend my head, sobbing. I caressed the name that was written on the envelope.

Maddison Iyves.

I slowly opened the envelope. Whatever it cost, daddy. Whatever it cost. After twenty years. I was finally able to open the letter. After two decades.

I took out the content, and it has a few pages. I laughed. Classic Daddy, using one envelope for too many letters. I unfolded the letter and tears fall on top of it, making the ink a little bit smudge a little.

I quickly wiped my tears off, even though it was still flowing. I read the last letter first. I assumed that was the first one. The first one will always be below.

'Maddison, baby, my daughter. I'm sorry. I'm not sure when I will give you this letter. But, I'm sorry. I'm not a good father, I thought I would be good, but it turns out I don't. I want to stop torturing you and live a normal day just the two of us. It's fine if you don't have a mother, you have me, sweetheart. But I don't even know why, day by day, my rage is getting higher and higher. I can't even look at you, my love. And trust me, I hate myself, even more, when I feel that and hate myself, even more, when I raise my hands on you.

You don't deserve me, baby. I want you to be happy too. Daddy will try my best to be better. I promise you. Daddy is so sorry since Daddy hurt you so bad. I wrote this because I might lose some words tomorrow since I feel so bad, hurting you again today. So I write this letter to you.

Life going to be hard for both of us, Maddie. Since I don't have anyone to rely on. But Maddie, daddy will try his best to raise you! Daddy will work harder.

We don't need anyone else.

We just need each other…..'

He scribbled that one as if it's an error. I read the next thing he wrote. Holding back my tears, but it keeps falling.

'Maddison, my child. I'm sorry that I hurt you again today. I know very well why I do it, it's because you remind me of your mother, a cheating wife, that brings back another man home. I won't be this mad if she just cheats behind my back or leaves me for another man. I don't mind it. I would let her go if that is what's making her happy. But I am mad because she brought another man home, and you're there too. I am mad that she brought another man home, and locked you in your room. I am mad that you're becoming thinner, just a week after I went outstation. And now she leaves you too, with me. And I am mad at myself because I rant out my anger on you. I am mad at myself for being the worse father and I am mad at myself for making an excuse! I don't deserve you, my daughter. But I have no one else except you. I admitted, darling, I'm the worst father, I am. I know you can't read this, but to stay alive and make you even suffer, would be selfish. But to take my own life, that would be even selfish. When you read this letter, you probably learned how to read. I think maybe you lived with your mom. Daddy will talk to your mom. You will be leaving, staying with your mom is better for you, baby.'

'Today, daddy will talk to your mom. You should live with her. Daddy will try my best to become a better dad. Until that day, you must wait, okay. I love you, my baby, stay strong.'

I sobbed. Biting my lips as I read it.

I put that one down and read the other one on the other paper. In this one, the handwriting looks a little terrible which makes me laugh. Daddy! What the hell...

'Maddison, my child. I'm sorry. This will be your 10th birthday letter. That time, you are probably at a rebellious age. Since you grew up with a single dad and maybe you will get bullied by your kids from your school because you don't have a mother. And you are probably questioning why your mom leaves you and why I didn't do anything. I tried. But she left us, baby. I couldn't stop her, I begged her. But she left, eventually. I even begged her to take you, she didn't want to. I didn't mean to make you hate your mom, but I hope this letter would make you at least understand me. I tried my best, of course, I'm not the best dad, I even rant my anger toward you when you were six. Baby, I'm sorry that I can't give the best thing in your life and you probably hate me. I think you've been taking care of me better than I took care of you.

I love you, my daughter. You are the best.

p/s; daddy wrote this in his car, don't laugh at my handwriting okay. I hope you like the gift.'

I bite my lips, I laugh and the tears fall harder. He even imagined that we would celebrate my tenth birthday together while writing this? What gift, daddy?

I read another letter, wiping off my tears.

'Maddison Iyves. My child. Today I went to court. I asked your mom to take you with her. Did you know what she said? She doesn't want to have you. She hates me. But I keep wondering, why would she have to hate you too? You're just a child.

And that's make me realised, that I hate you too. I hate the fact that you splitting her image. And you know what hurt me more? I hate myself for hating you. I hate myself for being an abusive father. I hate the fact, that instead of being a remedy, I've become a poison to your life. You probably be traumatised for the rest of your life, but I hope that won't happen.

Maddie, my child. Currently, I was in rehab. I know, you must be anxious, waiting at home. All alone. But daddy's trying his best to help himself to be better.

Rehab seems fine. But I'm scared of myself, Maddie. So...hate me. Just hate me, sweetheart. Hate me till the day I die.

Resent me for what I've done to you. Blame me. For everything. Blame me.'

I cried. It's hard to hate your parent. I hate his behaviour toward me. But at the end of the day, he is still my father. And reading this… makes me think about the possibility of us together, alive.

Would he keep doing his best to change? Or he will keep beating me and abused me to rant his anger?

I cried even more because either way will never happen now.

He chose to be selfish and left me. Unprepared and hopeless.

I read the last letter and my heart drop. This is not meant for me.

'To anyone who saw this letter, I don't know how many days it would be but I'm sure you found this letter after you smell a rotten scent from my house. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish to take my own life, but I have killed my only treasure. I don't have any hope to live anymore. I'm sorry that you have to take care of my body. But please listen to my last wish. Please bury my daughter's body with me, therefore, she won't be scared when she is six feet under the ground. She tends to be scared easily. And I want to be at least useful in the afterlife. I want to be a better dad, at least I could send her to heaven before walking to hell by myself. Please bury her with me, this is my final wish.

And please contact Anita, here is her number. Tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Thank you so much.'

I burst into tears as I read that, he thinks he killed me? Does he think he killed me? How stupid can you be, dad? How can you….

You should run and ask for help instead. That would be better for the two of us. You should call an ambulance. You should call the police. But I guess you're too drunk to even think straight.

I stared at the paper. I feel numb. Pain, and sorrow.

"Maddie?" I flinched. But I was unable to turn my head to the door as I heard that voice. Instead, I cried even more. Within another second, he was already next to me, kneeling in front of me, while his hand rubbed my arm. "I saw Diana downstairs. What's wrong?"

I shake my head, I can't talk. His hand took the paper away from me, putting it on the table, as he pulled me into his chest. I twisted my body and hugged him tight, weeping.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay. Cry it out. Let it out." he said, stroking my head softly, as I cried even harder. He lifted me from the chair and now he sat on the floor, as he let me sit on his lap. Stroking me, telling me it's fine to cry.

I don't remember much, about what he said. I don't even know how long did I cried. All I can remember is how his hands softly stroking me and his voice calmly comforting me.

He just kept saying 'let it out and 'it's okay and 'you're doing great and he stopped talking after that. He grabbed the letters and read them too.

By the time I stopped crying, we just sat there, and he just kept stroking me. Silently. I fell asleep. In his embrace. And as I woke up, we stayed in the same position. But he leaned on the wall.

"Want some water?" He asked, passing me a bottle of water. I nodded, then I shook my head. "Want to stay like this?"

I nodded.

"Drink some water, babe. Here." He passed me the bottle, and I held onto it weakly. I chugged down the whole bottle and passed him the empty bottle.

"Diana?"

"Jade come, they are on their date. She said, she will take away Nick's tom yum going," he said, wiping away my hair, tucking them behind my ears. I think they're not on their date. "Are you hungry?"

I nodded. I looked up at him, and he smiled. "I am starving."

"Alright...what do you want to eat?" He asked. I snuggled myself back to his chest, nuzzling my face against it.

"Anything would be fine," I said.

"Ah...you haven't tasted my omelette rice yet, right? I'll cook that for you."

I smiled. "How come you're so good with Japanese cuisine but you can't even fry bacon nicely?"

He chuckles.

"Hmm...sometimes I wonder why too," he said. "Feeling better?"

"I don't know." I don't know.

"Do you hate your dad?" he asked.

"I don't hate him...I hate his abusive personality. He's my father and either way, no matter how bad he is, he is still my father." I said, letting out a very heavy sigh. I still think what he did is a bit selfish but who am I to judge? I did the same thing as he does. The same thing.

"Did you hate your mom?" he asked. And I just shrugged.

"I don't know…maybe? Maybe not. If she's happy, then I'll be happy. But it would be a lie if I didn't resent her. I just don't know."

And he stopped asking me. Softly patting my back and stroking my hair. He landed a kiss on top of my head, and I silently closed my eyes, listening to his heartbeat.

No single word has escaped from our mouths. We just sat there, for a long time. Until Ayden tried to adjust himself, probably numbed since I'd sat on his laps for too long. I quickly moved to get off but he grabbed my waist and forced me to sit down again.

We both stared at each other, and he leaned forward to kiss me. Just a smooch. He looked at me again, before his eyes looked down at my lips.

"Khai is beautiful. He has your eyes, except it's green, your lashes, probably your nose and he has your lips too. He is an angel. Like you." he said, kissing me softly.

"Thank you." I laughed, "He is an angel."

"Like you," he whispered. "And now, you are my angel. Beautiful, strong-willed angel." he kissed me again, but this time, he swiped his tongue inside, dominating me as I couldn't push him away.

"Sorry…" he said as he pulled away. "Hmm, my legs numb but I don't want to let you go."

I laughed again. "You might be paralysed if you don't let me go."

He smiles. Rubbing my tights gently.

"Probably," he said, and I quickly got off him, and he straightened his legs, groaning in numbness. I quickly massage his tights. He winces, fake whimpering. He looked at me with his puppy eyes.

I just laughed at him. "I'm sorry."

"Kiss me then," he said, pouting. And I leaned forward to kiss him on his cheek. He smiles, satisfied with what he gets. "Should we go eat now? I'll cook for you."

I sat next to him, leaning on the wall too. I linked my arm around his and rested my head on his shoulder. I think this is my first time doing this, I could feel him tensed up.

"Loose up, Ayden Winter," I said, patted his arm softly. And he let out a soft chuckle. It sounds like he is nervous though. "I love you. And I think I fall too deep now. It's hard for me. My heart keeps beating rapidly."

And again, he tensed up, trembling. I looked up at him. He was smiling, frowning as his eyes closed tight.

"Fuck." he cussed beneath his breathe. "Don't invite me."

I smile, which part of it seems like I'm inviting him? I am just saying what I feel.

"I didn't," I said, defending myself.

"Should we hang Khai's portrait?" he asked, pulling me back for a hug. I nuzzled my face on his neck and nodded. It would be perfect, and I am grateful right now.

Grateful for everything I have right now.