My Hope Part 1

If I knew you were leaving, I wouldn't have let you go home then.

~ Rainata Deviana Senja

Flashback On…

Today is my first day of school at Tribuana High School, I was scared when I came late to school. Luckily I met a man who was also late like me and he was happy to help me enter secretly through the path he showed me, so we could enter school without having to be punished, especially since it was my first day of school.

But there is one thing I forgot when I asked his name he did not answer. To me he is quite handsome and kind, maybe he is more handsome than Arkan. And that's how I am, I always compare everything with Arkan, Arkan, Arkan, and Arkan.

Where exactly is Arkan? That's what's always on his mind, why he was so willing to leave me, sometimes I wonder if I've done anything wrong to Arkan that he left me like this. Every day I think about him, think about Arkan, but does Arkan also think about me? I hope someday Arkan will return. Whatever the reason Arkan left me, I will still forgive Arkan, I will still love Arkan the same as before, I hope Arkan doesn't betray his promise not to fall in love with any woman.

Okay back to School.

She also thought of that man, the man who helped her who had a very handsome face but seemed to have an indifferent and cold nature. But somehow, I want to see him again, he has saved me from the punishment I should have received this morning, hopefully, she can find more information about the man, I was determined I would ask Gevan tomorrow.

About Gevan, he is my classmate, Gevan is a friendly person, he is also kind and caring, and fortunately, he wants to be friends with me and even considers me as his best friend. Gevan likes to seduce me, he also said that he likes me. Then, what should I do? Should I accept his love? But back to my initial principles, I'm afraid if I have to date my own best friend, I'm afraid that if I'm not meant to be with him, we won't last long and break up, and I'm not ready to be strangers.

Especially now that there is a Gevan figure who is very similar to Arkan, to be honest, I already feel comfortable when I'm near Gevan, even though at school I don't have other friends besides Gevan, but I don't know what I feel I feel happy doubled as I am happy having Arkan first as my best friend as well as my first love, although I have not had time because of my stupidity.

But will I have to accept Gevan? Or rejecting it which means I'm doing the same stupid thing a second time. But I think I want to be friends with him first, I don't want things to go so fast. I want to enjoy my school days in this white and gray period with Gevan. Hopefully, Gevan won't be like Arkan who left me again, to be honest, I'm not ready to be abandoned a second time by my best friend, I need him… Need both Arkan and Gevan.

Gevan was very nice to me earlier he also took me home even though at first I refused, but Gevan insisted that he want to take me. But I think there is something strange about Gevan's behavior, I thought he was sick, but after I asked him many times he said he was fine.

Maybe what hurts is me, myself. My illness can't be cured, but it won't come back if I can control my emotions. And I'm sure, I can get through it, especially now that there is a figure of Gevan who accompanies me.

Maybe later I'll tell Gevan everything, he also said he wanted to listen to my whole story, I'm very grateful because it's just the first day of school I have made friends as good as Gevan. Gevan is handsome like Arkan but more handsome than the man who saved me, I don't know what his real name is. Why don't I just glance at the nametag on his shirt? I'm very careless and stupid, I should have insisted on asking so I know more information about him.

What? wait, what happened to me? Do I like the guy just because he helped me? No, no, no, no this can't be happening, I can't love another man besides Arkan I promised him I'll keep waiting for Arkan to come back in my life.

Arkan… where are you? Don't you miss me? Did you stop loving me? Did you stop liking me? Don't you remember our memories anymore? But why? What did I do wrong? Was it so bad that you left my life? I'm used to you, and now I have to lose you, everything feels different Arkan, everything feels empty, I feel dead when you left, I feel my soul has left since 3 years ago, it's all because of you Arkan.

Can you hear me? Who else should I complain to but you and God? I have no one in this world, even my parents never cared about me I don't know what they were thinking to abandon their child like this never gave me love, didn't they want me to be born? So they pretended that I didn't exist. Am I actually my parents' child or am I just an adopted orphanage or am I an adopted child? Why have I never seen parents like them who never cared about their children at all?

Indeed I have never lacked anything from an economic point of view, but I would rather be a child from a simple family full of love, rather than live amid a rich family but always feel alone without any love from my parents.

From childhood I was always taken care of by the maid who worked at my house, they seemed to act as my family, they were like real family to me, but they only thought of me as "the master's child" therefore they treated me with respect and always obeyed my orders, they always try to make me not feel lonely in my life, but all in vain I am alone, all the things I love are always taken quickly. That's why I'm afraid to love anyone now, afraid that the next one I love will disappear too. God, make me strong.

Flashback Off…