Chapter Thirty-Six: Aiden
"It is hard to explain. I was young when he died. Now that I'm older, I know he intended to die that day. That was why he didn't want me in the car with him. Be better than me. For years I wondered what that meant. But after everything that has happened, I know. Aiden was great at everything he did. The last thing he did was hurt his family. The only way I can be better than him, is to protect mine from hurt. Yet, I let you down. I let your dad down. I let him down." When a tear slipped down his cheek, that was the end of my resolve. I scooted closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck as he cried with me. I cried harder when he pulled me closer, basically squeezing the life out of me and let out a choked sob. I felt his pain immediately. It travelled from his body into mine, and I cried with him. As I heard him mutter how sorry he was to his big brother, it tugged at my heart strings and it broke my heart.
"I am ... I am so ... I am so sorry Aiden. I am so sorry." He cried, and I could do nothing but hold him closer and run my fingers through his hair.
"It's okay Anthony. Shh, it's okay." I couldn't believe I was holding my principal as he came apart. But in that moment, he wasn't my principal. He was just someone who needed comforting. And for someone who has been comforted a lot in the past 3 weeks, I didn't mind giving the comfort to someone else for a change.
"I'm sorry Azania. I am so so sorry." He continued, clinging to me like his life depended on it. "Shh, it will be okay. It will be okay." I chanted in his ear as more tears trailed down my cheeks and onto his shoulder. Forgiving Anthony was not going to be easy. And it wasn't going to happen soon, but I wanted to at least try. I knew now how broken the whole ordeal made him. I realized how sincerely sorry he was. He didn't leave me there on purpose. He was just angry, fueled by the whole mess with his wife and her twin brother. He saved me. I knew now that I had to at least try to forgive him. I owed Aiden that much.
And so, I held him for the longest time. It was overall a peaceful night, littered with the silent cries of two broken people.
"Uhm, thanks for today." I said awkwardly to Jackass once he parked inside the garage. It had been a few hours since we cried into each other's shoulders. After calming down, we sat there silently listening to the night sky, enjoying the peace around us. We talked about minimalistic things, both of us in no mood to converse, but not ready to leave either. In the end, we decided to part ways when my dad called and told me he was home. The whole ride back to the mansion was quiet, as was the entire evening. It was a few minutes to midnight now, and I still didn't want the night to end. I couldn't comprehend why.
"I should be thanking you, Azania." His voice was hoarse from all the emotions he showed today. His blue eyes were almost sparkling, yet rimmed in red.
"We'll just thank each other then." I said with a small smile. He tried to return it but failed miserably. I had a powerful urge to reach over and hug him, but I stayed put. "You should probably head inside. Your dad must be worrying about you." I had never heard him speak like this; he was so vulnerable, so sad.
"Are you going to be okay?" I found myself asking in a small voice. I didn't want to leave him alone when he was so down.
"I will be. Do not worry yourself about me, Azania. I'm a big boy." He said with a sad smile. "Anthony ..." I breathed out, almost begging him to ask me to stay. I would.
"You should call me Anthony more often. My ears like the sound of that." This time, his smile didn't hold as much sadness as the last one. "You're still a jackass though." I corrected, with a small smile of my own.
"And I'm proud. Seriously though, you should head inside. Thank you again for today. I expected another ass whooping, but I'm glad you spared me your moves this time. I am still recovering from yesterday."
"Please forgive me for that? I feel awful." I covered my face with my hands, which he gently pried off with his.
"I deserved all of it. But I'll be honest, you hit like a girl." He mocked. I punched his chest on impulse. It hurt me more than it hurt him because he only laughed and shook his head. I scoffed and folded my arms over my chest.
"I liked you better when you were crying like a baby." I said with a smug smile of my own, not being able to hold back my laughter when his smug smile turned into a scowl. I stepped out of the car as he said "I did NOT cry like a baby! I had dust in my eyes from all that running around and wrestling in the grass like show monkeys." I laughed and leaned in to look at him as he tried to hold on to whatever pride he might still have.
"I'm 24 years old he says." I taunted. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked in defense.
"Goodnight Jackass."
"Goodnight Einstein." And with that, I slammed his door, laughing as he complained at that, and walked out of the garage and into the backyard where the cottage is.
My dad was in the kitchen making honey milk like the big baby he also was when I walked through the door, feeling tired from the day's activities.
"Hey kiddo. Why do you look like you were wrestling in grass?" he asked with a quirked eyebrow as he stirred his milk. Should I tell him where I was? Who I was with? I think not. "'Cos I was. Wassup with you?" I asked and slumped down on a barstool.
"I haven't slept in 2 days, that's wassup." He grunted in a gruff voice. He sat down across from me and put his mug on the island between us as he tried to get settled in his seat. I used this opportunity to steal the mug and swallow a huge gulp, burning myself in the process.
"Hey, get your own!" he cried out, making me laugh. I asked him how work was going, to which he dismissed with a flick of a wrist, not wanting to get into it. Not that I blamed him. My dad loved his job, that much I knew. But he hated working, and that much was funny to me. It was why I asked him every chance I got. We spoke about our day, and I listened with enthusiasm as he reiterated what happened at the golf course today. Something in the way he overexaggerated his words and his actions made me think he was telling a fib, but I entertained it anyway because he looked happy. He retired to bed shortly after, leaving me in the kitchen. After fixing myself a quick bite to eat, I headed to my room with the intention to hop in the shower, thinking about the day I just had.
Was I still angry at him? I don't think so. I don't know if I have forgiven him. I thought about what he said about Aiden, about wanting to be better than him. I wondered if my dad knew Aiden killed himself. Thinking about it caused turmoil within me. Once upon a time, when the pain from the assault was unbearable, I thought about dying. I googled ways to die peacefully and was five beats away from drinking every pill in our medicine cabinet when I thought of how my dad would react to my death. It would break him. Especially if he knew that I chose to die. I couldn't imagine what it's like for Jackass, but I wanted to be better than Aiden too.