Thoughtful Toiletry

Day: Unknown

Sitting on the toilet is a very peaceful thing to do. It's kind of... what's the word? I want to say— no, TYPE something about a psychologist... it's like what a therapist can do to you...

I want to say satisfying but it's not the term I'm looking for. Thera... Yes, therapeutic. Although I guess now that I'm off the toilet, it came to me. Maybe being on the toilet just fogs my brain. Anyway, so I was thinking about what happened earlier while I was laying on the couch. I hadn't originally intended on lying there. I just wanted to be relaxed but no matter what position I was in, I couldn't be comfortable. I was watching God Eater.

Recently, I've been going through show after show to pass time by. Quarantine is supposed to be finished by the end of April and while that date is set in place, I have work to do with an unknown due date. Therefore, I created my own. I just want it all done by the end of quarantine since a due date wasn't given and there's so much time to use up.

I never actually planned to have half of it done by now, it just kind of happened. Though I wouldn't say halfway. Assignment wise, I've gotten half of it done but the questions are now ten a piece for every assignment instead of every other assignment being vocabulary which I can just find in Google. Now the rest is random questions and I want to make at least a 90% on each assignment. Each time I take it, the questions are different and it's extremely annoying and time consuming.

It's April 6th. This means that it's not even close to the halfway point so I can relax a bit.

I had to pause the tv earlier. Well, maybe I didn't HAVE to. Maybe I just wanted to know what was going on.

I don't understand why some things frustrate me one moment but don't bother me the slightest in the next. Maybe I'm just a very logical person with how I responded to it.

Or maybe I'm what my therapist said: practical. It really wouldn't surprise me. She explained it like "you're a mix of logical and creative" whatever that means. Well, I know what it means. It means I'm a mix. It means I'm "practical".

I paused the show because Tyler started to bother a sleeping Jerry. Tyler is my older brother. He is 16 years old and turning seventeen in May. I'm turning 16 in May, exactly ten days after he turns 17. I think it's a really big deal and I want to throw a party. Aren't we supposed to have a sweet sixteen? I've always dreams about that. A big party, everyone invited, it would be so wonderful. There would be music, pretty lights, dancing, people, food and everything else I could possibly come up with.

That was a very unrealistic thought. I still want a party and a big one at that, but I understand it can't be big. I probably won't even have one at this rate. Quarantine is such a jerk.

When my brother came in, he started bothering Jeremiah.

Jerry stayed up all night and it was around 1:00PM that he finally passed out. It was about 2:30 when Tyler rolled in telling him to wake up. I paused the tv show, both curious, and wanting to be able to hear it.

At times, I can be unbelievably patient. On others, I'm a complete butthead.

This was one of those times when patience was key and I was calm. Probably the comfort and security I feel in my own home that made me so relaxed. It was like my emotions were taking a nap.

"Get up." Tyler said. "C'mon, sweetheart. You know you can't sleep. Let's go for a ride. I got the antenna so we can listen to the radio. We can drive around and listen to music. That'll wake you up." The words could've been soothing, but they kind of sounded mocking. I held no opinion of it in the moment though.

I tilted my head to the side, watching. Was I worried? No. Did I think Tyler would hurt him? No. He used to hurt me a while back. Not much mentally. He used to really beat me. It was horrible. He took all the chances he could to do it. He found pleasure in it. I used to think he would grow up to be a killer. It wouldn't have surprised me. Then one day I fought back. I was angry, tired of being beaten down. I was tired of everything. He was always hitting me, acting like I'm lower than he is. I didn't win this fight, of course.

I ended up pinned and helpless, but so angry it didn't bother me. I ended up asking him quite sternly "who do you think you are?" I tried to look vicious but I'm sure it looked more like a faltering puppy. I was never good at being like that: brave. I've always been the one who... actually, I don't know.

I have no idea who I am. I'm just me. I guess that's all I can say about that.

I got out of his hold but was eventually on the floor. Then he started to laugh and I started to laugh and he seemed satisfied. "See?" I'm not sure what he was trying to tell me.

Probably just the views of a psychopath, but ever since that day, he's never come after me again. Unless you count the time with the nerf bullet. He punched me in the face. We were all having a nerf gun battle and he stole my bullet. I leaped on him to get it back, but he punched me. I had a busted lip for two days.

Tyler has a vehicle that he loves to drive now, so he takes Jerry on a ride sometimes.

Jeremiah was crying now, whimpering. I could tell that he was half asleep. Jerry has never been one to be very mentally strong. He's so sensitive and that sensitivity is amazing. I think it's his strongest trait. Jerry is very fragile, but I think this is majorly due to the amount of shelter he's gotten. He's also never had a hard family life, nor anything to make him build his walls up. And he hasn't had much discipline at all. Sometimes, I feel like his mom and I feel it 100% in my bones that I am his favorite sibling. I'm the only one who plays with the kid, after all. I don't ban him from my room all the time. I don't ignore him. Sure, I tell him to pick up his mess, but we both play Roblox and we run around the house together and I've wacked his butt a few times and he's learned to laugh about it. We even watch tv together. We both like anime so why not. What I don't understand is when Tyler started dragging him off the couch, when Jerry lays on the floor to escape his hands, I don't understand why I do nothing. Why do I sit there, covered in a soft blue blanket? I just watch and stare.

My boyfriend is on the phone which is charging. This quarantine has kept me from him, so I like to feel his presence across the room during the call.

Unfortunately, that is where Tyler is and Thomas(my boyfriend) has moved around a bit, hinting to anyone around that someone is on the phone. I watch as he walks over to it. I know what he's going to do yet all I do is say "don't" before he presses the red X that ends the call. I go over to the phone. Nothing I can do now. Thomas is sleeping, so there's no reason to call him. Instead, I text him that Tyler ended the call before sitting back down. Jerry is on the carpeted floor, curled in a ball.

"You're looking pretty sexy down there, sweet cheeks." He says tauntingly. I find it gross.

"Do you talk to your friends that way too? Gross, Tyler." I then find myself recommending he get Jerry's blood flow going. Blood flow allows for better thought process and Jerry could have a better chance at waking up. Tyler eventually drags Jeremiah outside, saying he needs some "vitamin-D from the sun".

I wonder to myself why I don't help Jerry. Don't I care? It's not that I don't care. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't understand the point. What could I do? I mean, Nick put himself in this position. He should go to sleep like he's supposed to and wake up at a decent time. Like 1pm. That's a pretty decent time here. I usually sleep until 4 in the afternoon.

I don't help Jerry. I don't help Tyler wake up Jerry. Instead, I just close the back door behind them. Tyler has Jerry on the trampoline and he's curled up in a ball. I don't know what happens next. It's been a while since then. My step-mom is home and she says she found Jerry there, on the trampoline where Tyler left him, crying. Ashlyn is letting him sleep upstairs in her room. It kind of surprises me.

I mean, aren't they the ones enforcing the "go to sleep at a good time" thing?

I hear a noise and it sounds like someone crying very loudly. It was a long "WEH". It sounded like it was Jerry, so I went upstairs and knocked on Ashlyn's door. I saw Jeremiah sleeping there and knew immediately he couldn't be it. Maybe it was the television. When I asked Ashlyn, she said it wasn't Jerry and it was probably the mill at Rayonier. I walked into my sister's room just in case and the sound wasn't there.

Then I walked outside where I was greeted by the cat OC which stands for orange cat. He is actually orange and white and we lost him for a while but he came back. He's much more loving now. I pet him and listen for any sounds. The only sounds I hear are the sounds of nature.

I feel my bladder and it aches. I have to pee again? God, when will it end? I walk into Tyler's room and call his name. Buttercup is laying on the floor in front of Nick's bed. She looks up at me as I enter. I wanted to see if he had heard the noise, too.

Instead of being able to ask, I find him sleeping. I hear sounds coming from his phone and assume it's YouTube.

He's a fricking hypocrite.

I don't feel my facial expression change, but my stomach twists. That's so wrong. Why put Nick into so much trouble and not even follow your own ideas? At least when I tell Nick to clean up his mess, I clean up mine, too. This, though? This is just wrong. I sit on the couch and decide to write about it. After I am satisfied, I go to the bathroom to satisfy my needs.

I really want more words to come to me so I can write more. I don't find it comforting to write about things like this, but it keeps my brain occupied and working.

I guess since I started this on the toilet, this is where it will end. So, without further ado; The End.