Your Novels Suck, Dude

Zhe Chouhen is a 22-year-old single-since-birth gay man, so the only way to vent his frustrations, both romantically and 'bodily', is through consuming BL novels or what is known as danmei.

Sure, he tried dating before, but it never worked out for him. Plus, he's living with a family who expects him to get married to a rich heiress, so life was great.

"You're in marrying age now, how come you haven't introduced your girlfriend to us yet???" His mom always asked.

He wanted so badly to say, "Because I don't want little sisters, mom. I want little brothers*."

Knowing that he lives with a family like this, of course, his chances of watching 'exciting gay films' are limited too. It never 'excites' him that much when they're real people anyway, he had always preferred fictional characters. Maybe because he also wants there to be some love and substance to the deed before he finds it arousing.

Still, being the fudanshi that he is, he was aware that BL is dominated by women readers and women creators who mostly don't know how gay relationships really work, and pushes stereotypes with the glorious 'gong and shou' system.

Gongs or the 'attacker' are usually the leading man, not the main character, and should be possessive, dominant, and just a motherfucking asshole. Shous, the 'receiver', is usually the MC and is very self-sacrificing to the gong that you question if they even have self-respect anymore.

Though not all BLs were like that, finding something that doesn't use this formula is sooooooo rare, it's like finding a single needle in a truck full of haystacks. Most of them just feel like shoujo where they reskinned the female main character into a guy.

Which wouldn't be so bad if it happened once or twice that the 'shou' is frail and always the damsel in distress.... But it's everywhere, so it gets frustrating and tiresome!

Finding real gay representation in this genre that is meant to portray gay relationships is ironically hard.

One day, he managed to find a fellow comrade* author! He was exhilarated, his heart pounding as he started reading this Daoist Panda's works—

Only to find out that it's the same scum gong x dainty shou shit! And his MLs are even near the worst side of the spectrum!

The story itself was good, and the MC has a 'must protect' aura to them, but the ML, man! They just really have a way of getting on his nerves! Daoist Panda wrote them in a way that you just wished you could transmigrate into that novel and strangle the hell out of these scum male leads!

That's exactly what he recently commented on Daoist Panda's latest update, and the great author has read it.

He should have remembered the saying 'Be careful what you wish for.'

Before he could even finish his second wave of ranting, Zhe Chouhen got sucked into his computer!

"What the fuck, AHHHHHH!!!!!" He watched his hand slowly turn into pixels and before he knew it, his whole body was taken in like his PC was a black hole.

He got transported to a place where there were only skies and clouds around him. No matter where he look, it was just endless blue and white. But when he looked down at his feet, he wasn't floating. He wasn't standing on glass either, but his feet were resting on something incorporeal, and he can walk normally. Weird.

A 2D, cartoonish panda wearing a pure white cultivation robe appeared in front of him from a burst of dazzling light. The panda slowly descended like a god, and set down in front of him in a lotus meditation pose.

[Greetings, Big Little Brother.] The panda grimaced a bit when it said the dirty username.

"Holy shit, you're Daoist Panda's stupid profile icon!" Zhe Chouhen's eyes widened in amazement.

[I AM Daoist Panda. The author, not just the mascot. And don't call it stupid, my fan artist worked hard for that!]

"Sorry. You have to admit that a panda in cultivation robes is the silliest and maybe even the most unoriginal mascot an author could have, though. Good thing you weren't copyrighted by a certain movie franchise." Zhe Chouhen grinned. "How'd you come up with such a dumb name anyway?"

[That's rich coming from you who uses a dick joke as a username.]

"I just want the world to know the truth. I'm very proud of my little brother downstairs." Zhe Chouhen shamelessly gestured at his pants.

[If it's big, where's the bulge?]

Zhe Chouhen nearly coughed up blood. "It's just not obvious in these pants!"

[Yeah, right. You can't possibly compete with my novels' MLs, they're 10+ inches.]

"Your MLs suck, bro." Zhe Chouhen said with no hesitation.

Now it's the panda's time to nearly cough out blood and his calm meditation posture was ruined by his coughing. [You don't have to be so harsh!]

"I'm just stating facts, Panda-laoshi. I've read shitty danmeis like this since I was 15. Are you pandering to the fujoshis who are obsessed with MLs that are like that one serial killer guy from that Korean manhwa?"

[A poor author has to make money somehow. You're probably some rich brat who never has to worry about paying rent.] Panda rolled his eyes.

Zhe Chouhen snorted."Hah, I wish. I'm a newly college grad still stuck with my homophobic parents."

[That's kinda relatable.... But that's not the point! You, Big Little— What's your real name? I don't want to keep referring to you with that stupid username.]

"Zhe Chouhen."

[....Seriously? Or are you trolling me?]

"I'm not joking, that is my name. It's written in different characters too, it's not really 'Hater' like you think."

[Your parents must really hate you to name you with something that sounds identical to 'hatred'. Maybe they already saw the future on what kind of person you will be when you grow up.]

"What about you? What's your real name?" Zhe Chouhen asked, hoping he could make fun of it as well.

[Classified.]

The shameless hater snickered. "It must be hella embarrassing and you knew I was going to mock it."

[Are you a freaking tangyuan?* When I read your comments, I was expecting some kind of bearded alcoholic gay uncle who was bitter about other people's relationships. But I didn't expect you would look so gentle and docile like a benevolent scholar or monk. I feel cheated.]

"Not my fault that my face is appealing and approachable." Zhe Chouhen rubbed his chin smugly.

Panda made a deadpan face. [I never said that. I said you look like the type who'll be a single-for-life teacher that spends his time enlightening children to deny worldly matters. I also seem to be correct, because you didn't deny the 'bitter on other people's relationship' part.]

"I bet you've never been in a relationship either, seeing that you can only write horrible ones."

Daoist Panda went quiet for a second, his face unreadable.

The panda shook it off and said: [Assume what you want about me, I'm not revealing anything. Besides, the focus should be on you. You're not even surprised by all of this, you keep on going with this useless banter.]

"I'm transmigrated, aren't I? Because you got triggered by my comment? And now you're going to take me to your novels as the MC or the ML or maybe the cannon fodder that always die as a punishment." Zhe Chouhen said without any interest.

The panda blinked. [Er..... That is more or less correct.]

"Is this a single transmigration or a QT to all your books? How will I earn points? Or is this a meter system? Do I have to finish the stories to go back to the real world—"

[Stop assuming my plans for you! I should be the one giving expositions, not you!]

"I consume transmigration stories for breakfast, Panda-laoshi. I already know how these things usually go." Zhe Chouhen grinned. "Good thing you never wrote one, because it would probably be the worst and ruin the genre for me."

[Your mouth is only good at spitting poison, isn't it? What the hell did I ever do to you? If you don't like my books, you could have read something else!]

"But I do like your books."

The panda's cheeks suddenly had those large red circles that's used to represent blushing. [Y-You do?]

"Yeah, just not the MLs. Your writing and world-building are decent, and the plot itself is enjoyable. I was only complaining because of the main character pairing, everything else is fine."

The panda suddenly looked unsure, question marks floating beside him. [How am I supposed to be a super angry and vengeful system to you now after all those compliments!?]

(They're not even high praises, isn't he used to his fans worshipping him? It's kinda cute.) Zhe Chouhen thought, but he kept it so he can use this moment of confusion to his advantage. "So you'll let me go now? I still have 69 updates from various authors to check today."

[No way! I already made this system! And you weren't nice to me earlier too!] The panda shook his head.

"Aish, then can you just get to the point? You're the most talkative system I've ever seen, and you're not even that endearing. The only meng* about you is the fact that you're a panda."

[If you stop sassing me for just an incense stick time, I could have explained everything sooner!]

The panda sat in lotus position again, and his eyes glowed. He levitated higher into the endless skies. Behind him appeared more than a dozen floating doors.

[Behold, Zhe Chouhen! I have the power to transport you to all the worlds I have created through these doors! Choose one, and your journey to repentance will commence! But be careful, for you may be unlucky and—]

"Okay." Zhe Chouhen opened the nearest door beside him without care, and got zapped inside the world in it.

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