Ashes and Regrets

On the day I took the IELTS exam, I received a call from my dad.

He asked me to go to England with him.

"For what reason?"

"To pick up your mother."

I...

I never imagined that what I was going to pick up was my mother's ashes.

I looked at the delicate box, and my world collapsed.

I couldn't hear what anyone else was saying. All I knew was that she had died.

She was lying there, reduced to a pile of ashes, without a single word or sound. It was terrifyingly quiet.

I had imagined what she would look like countless times, whether she would have a happy face or a sad one. But I never thought it would be like this. Her body and face were all mixed together, and I couldn't even picture what she looked like.

The impact of that pile of ashes was greater than the image I had recalled hundreds of times from my memory.

She's gone.

No message, no explanation. I don't even know when she died.

She's gone, and there's nothing left.

Suddenly, I feel like all the love and hate I had for her over the years is so ridiculous.

If she didn't want me, why did she give birth to me?

Why run away and not live a good life?

I don't understand, I really don't.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

I started going to bars every day.

Only alcohol can make me forget, but in the end, my memory gets clearer and clearer. And I realized that I never wanted her apology.

All I wanted was for her to live well.

I will never go to England in this lifetime.

I hate that place.

I thought of Chen Qiu.

She was outstanding.

Thinking of this made me even more heartbroken.

I should have known the outcome, but the ending came a bit too fast.

There were so many places I wanted to take her, but never got the chance.

So many delicious foods I wanted to share with her, but never did.

Now someone else will have to take her there.

I can't be so selfish as to waste a girl's youth.

Three months is enough for me to remember for years.

Breaking up is painful.

She hurts, and so do I.

When she came to my dormitory, crying and asking me what she did wrong, I called myself a "beast"!

But I had to be a little more ruthless.

I shouldn't have held back her future, and wasted her youth.

I am just a rotten person, that's all I'll ever be in this life.

I asked Liu Jing to post an official announcement photo on her social media.

She will see it.

In the end, I realized that I had nothing to give her. That social media post was my last "cruelty," and my last tenderness.

If I didn't do this, she would only fall into endless pain. It's better to end it quickly than to prolong the suffering.