Inbetweener 4: The Hill You're Dying On

Food, it's something that can bring anyone together. After all, we all need it to eat. But it can also be the very thing that splits people apart. Whether it's food not being to someone's liking, controversial statements being flung out during meals, or food so bad it breaks a few laws by existing; arguments of all kinds can spill out when folks gather around the table.

And today is no different.

It started out simple enough, a few members of the military gathered at a newly opened cafe just to chat. Amongst them were the headstrong Destiny Whisp, the obnoxious Bastien Bastard, the thoughtful Frank Walker, & the wild card that is Red Tucker.

The four were partaking in their monthly tradition of trying out new restaurants together near the end of the month. All unaware of what would soon be unearthed.

"Y'know it feels a bit weird without Xavier tagging along," Frank Walker remarks in between bites of his quiche.

"Yeah though it's nice of him to be going to therapy, I heard X-Calli is the best in the biz," Red adds before sipping her English breakfast blend tea.

"At least the food here is pretty good unlike last time," Bastard remarks as he cuts open his freshly baked pop tart, "this ravioli sure is something."

And that's how it happened. That one sentence uttered from Bastard's unaware mouth triggered something spectators would refer to as 'The Great Ravioli Debate' for weeks to come.

Bastard stabs a piece of the pop tart with his fork and puts it to his mouth before noticing that Frank, Destiny, & Red are all staring at him.

"What?" Bastard questions.

"Lotion let me ask you nicely," Destiny exhales, "did you just call that pop tart….ravioli?"

"Yeah," Bastard affirms, confused, "Why?"

Destiny slams her hands on the table as she yells, "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?! A pop tart is not a ravioli!"

Frank Walker holds his head in shame while Red watches the debate with interest.

"But it is!" Bastard defends himself.

"No, it's not! Ravioli is tiny and made with pasta dough, it's not some large crunchy breakfast concoction!" Destiny retorts.

"Ravioli is a food product that has dough wrapped around a filling! That makes a pop tart a ravioli!" Bastard shouts.

"I can't fucking believe this," Frank Walker sighs as he sets his fork and knife down gently, "Your intelligence is on par with my dog Commodore."

"I mean," Red begins to say, "Hate to say it but, the man's got a point."

Destiny & Frank glare at Red.

"Oh Red, I always knew you were a real one!" Bastard quivers as he wipes a tear of joy from his eye.

"The fucking gall you have sitting at this table and saying that to us is too much," Destiny states, "And you use a fork and knife to eat ravioli while most pop tarts you just use your hands. Clearly they're two different things!"

"I mean, with ravioli, I just use my hands," Bastard admits while he pats himself on the back, "Silverware isn't needed for this bad boy!"

"Red, please let it be known that this is the guy you're siding with," Frank Walker tells her.

"Well first off Bastard, that's absolutely disgusting. Consider yourself uninvited to my future bouncy house home," Red states, "Second, to counter a point made earlier; fried ravioli exists and it's crunchy."

Destiny pats Frank's shoulder as she laments, "They're too far gone."

"Guys by your logic," Frank Walker begins, "you're not only saying that pop tarts are ravioli but also dumplings, pelmeni, empanadas, and literally anything that has a shell with a filling in the middle is ravioli too."

"That's exactly what I'm trying to say!" Bastard yells as he adds more to the list, "Burritos? Ravioli. Rangoons? Ravioli. Doughnuts with cream cheese inside? They're all ravioli!"

Frank Walker just has his head follow the motion of gravity and land on the table as Destiny groans in frustration.

"You're fucking insane!" Destiny says.

"Wait, wouldn't pizza just also be ravioli?" Red questions, "Y'know since the cheese and the crust are the shell and the tomato sauce is the filling?"

"You should be banned from all grocery stores," Frank Walker sighs.

"Y'know since we can't seem to agree, let's call up Xavier!" Bastard states as he takes out his phone.

_____________________________________

Inside X-Calli's office, the living sword sits on a leather chair as he talks to Xavier Manford, who's resting on a red leather couch lamenting his worries.

"I don't know it just feels like when people talk to me, they don't see me, y'know?" Xavier laments, "It's like they only care about me if I'm of use to them!"

As X-Calli jots down some notes, Xavier gets a phone call from Bastard. 

"Hold on one second," Xavier says as he answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey buddy we need help ending a dispute," Bastard explains through the phone, "Are pop tarts just ravioli?"

Xavier thinks about it for a second before saying, "What? No! That's ridiculous."

Bastard yelling 'FUCK' and Destiny chanting 'I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO' echo throughout the room as Xavier listens in on the call.

"Let's just agree to disagree," Red says trying to save face on the other end of the line, "But hey at least we can all agree that ranch on pizza is the worst."

"Amen," Destiny agrees on the other end.

"No complaints here," Bastard agrees on the other end.

"I think that should be illegal," Walker agrees on the other end.

"I don't know guys," Xavier says, "I actually kinda like ranch on my pizza."

The other line goes silent.

Xavier waits to hear a response.

Instead, all he hears is the other line hanging up.

Food, it's something that can bring anyone together. After all, we all need it to eat. But it can also be the very thing that splits people apart. And it's something Xavier has just learned the hard way.

See You Next Chapter!~