Home From Work

I was back in the field after having just completed my trial, my probably first trial. I feel my face, and the mask is not there; it's gone, not anywhere in sight. My face was once again normal, and my legs were exhausted - Not wanting to exhert energy to keep my standing. My muscles ached, and my head throbbed; it was hell. I felt sick, my breathing short, and felt like I was being dragged behind a car.

My body was in a state of shock; I knew I could only push through the ordeal, get it over with. I had to be strong. However, it still took a few minutes to settle down, and it was another long walk back to the campsite. I can't stop thinking about what I've done, because that wasn't me; it couldn't have been. That's a very real fear, that my head is not telling the truth, that this is simply a dream, and I'm going crazy. Maybe that's why I need to write all of this down.

I know one thing, one thing I will never, ever doubt, ever, forget; the girl. The girl, who I thought I knew, who I actually did know. There was more to her than I thought. Her fear, her pain, the anguish on her face, she was all I could see. It was an awful thing, for me to witness, yet I couldn't turn away.

I had to see her, even though I didn't want to, just so I'd have something to hold onto. I was falling over the edge, and that's when it happened, when everything turned red, then white, like fire. My eyes felt like they were being squeezed, and in a haze of madness I began to think about her, what we were doing, our intentions, and that's when I started to vomit. It was like all of the sickness, the pain, and my sorrow poured from my stomach, down into the darkness of my stomach.

I felt so good. Why? WHY DID I FEEL THAT WAY?! Was it normal? Was I going insane? Am I?

I remember the look on her face, it was full of pain, agony. She was hurt, and I could do nothing to stop it. The thought of what I've done, having done this to her, to her, to make her suffer, the look on her face. She looked so... So...

The thoughts I'm having are the first real thoughts I've had since my trial. The girl, and her fear, her pain, the anguish in her face. I can't understand why my mind isn't thinking. She just didn't want to; she was terrified. I can't explain it.

It is a thought, an emotion, that brings me to tears. It is the sight, the look on her face that I'll never forget, the look of horror in her eyes, that look of dread, in the pain I caused her. I'm sure I wasn't the first. I'm sure this had happened before; if not to others, to someone else. I couldn't do this to her; to make her so scared and hurt. Her eyes... They were like fire; they were like ice.

Her fear, her pain... I'm sure there are others who've had to go through what I have. It is a thought I can't get out of my mind. I have to write down all of my thoughts, my memories, the only way I'll get through this.

It all just feels so wrong, everything that has happened, why she was with me, why I thought I could do what I did, what I'm doing. Why? Why?!

I am so sick of this feeling.

I am so fucking sick of this.