19 Pity party

Shawn's POV

"Play it again." Clumsy quipped.

"Again? But I played it three times already."

"Sorry, It's just such a beautiful song." She placed her head on the seat of the couch and crossed her legs on the floor where we both sat.

It was nice to know she thought my song was beautiful, even though I messed up the lyrics of the song the first two times. But she seemed to like it anyway, I guess that Imagination was one of my best work.

"It's pretty suprising that you like it because it's a love song. I thought you hated anything love related."

"Hate is a strong word, Shawn. Just because love doesn't appeal to me, that can't mean that I can't appreciate good music."

"Good music." I savoured her indirect compliment. "What is your definition of good music?"

"Anything from the seventies all through nineties."

"Mmm, I didn't take you for an old school girl."

"You talk as if you can see what genre of music people listen to, just by taking one look at them. What type of music did you think I listened to?"

"You look like a heavy metal girl."

"Surprisingly, you're not the first person to tell me that."

"I bet I'm not." I stated. "So do you ever listen to relevant, current music. Even back in high school?"

She kept her silence and blushed. I didn't understand why, but she looked even cuter with rosy cheeks.

"I never admitted this to anyone, but I used to listen to people like Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande... Justin Bieber. Secretly though."

"What's wrong with that? They did make good music."

"I know, but all my friends were guys. I couldn't really listen to those kind of girly pop songs in their presence, so I usually used to listen to those kind of pop songs in isolation. They never knew that I listened to such."

"Were you always one of the guys?"

"Yeah, since kindergarten. It had it's advantages and it's disadvantages. But mostly advantages."

"I know. Being a dude is awesome."

"It is." She laughed.

"Then what were your disadvantages?"

She gave an over exaggerated sigh and looked to the ceiling. "I rather not say, it's not something I often talk about, it's kind of my little secret." She had a smile on her face, as if she was smiling at her own a private joke.

"Well, you can trust me with your 'little secret', I'm good at keeping them."

I evaluated my statement. "Mostly because I never remember them."

She bit her lip, her nervous habit I assume. She did hesitate and looked at me questionably.

"Um..." she began. "I was always categorised as a guy, growing up. Even girls considered me as one."

"Well, that wasn't too bad."

"That's not it. It's just, sometimes, when I had..."

She struggled to get the words out of her mouth. She was terribly shy as well. I took liberty to put my arm around her, just to reassure her of course.

"I had a crush on this boy once, and he never noticed me because I was just one of the guys. When I finally had the courage to tell him," she sighed.

"lets just say, our relationship was never the same again. Sometimes I wish to explain to them that as much as I was one of the guys, I was also a girl– not a very good one– but I was still one."

She smiled. But it wasn't her usual cheeky smile, it was kind of a sad one.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think that you make a great g–"

"Shawn, you don't have to. I don't like it when people pity me."

"It's not pity."

"It is."

"It's really not."

"If that's not what it is, then what is it?"

I think it was a bolt of lighting or a moment of lightheadedness, but now looking at her. At her glowing peach skin, her grey hoodie, her green eyes, her chocolate brown hair through the hoodie, and the pink band aid on her tiny button nose...

Maybe it was a hidden emotion, a realisation, or just an act on impulse, I don't know what it was, but...

I kissed her. I mean, I nearly did. 

It was a failed attempt as she immediately backed up. immediately pulled away as I'd just realised that I had just made a dick move.

I could almost feel her lips. But instead, I felt a light scent of cherries and the antiseptic I had used on her before dancing in the space between us.

All I wanted was to melt into her lips and for her to melt into mine too. I bet I asked for too much because Clumsy was unresponsive, she just sat there, rigid and unmoving as we looked at each other.

I looked to her to see her reaction, but it was unreadable. Her expression was blank and impassive, the coldest look she could ever give me.

"Clumsy–"

"It's late. I have to go." She took her camera and walked out on me.

I stood up immediately and came after her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." I went after her but she clearly did everything in her power to get away from me.

Why wouldn't she?

How could I be so stupid to try kiss her? I admit, I did imagine me kissing her many times in my head, but I never expected it to go down this way. I thought I would be a gentleman about it.

There she went, out my door, through the hallway and into her apartment. Shutting the door behind her.

"Don't be like this," I said through the door. "You know that wasn't what I meant to do." I knocked on the door.

I've just messed up our relationship. At some point, I expected to kiss her, that's all I wanted to do at times. I thought about her lips every time she smiled at me through the camera, every time she laughed. Heck, her lips were even the last thing I thought about before I fell into my dreams.

And no doubt that her lips will be the last thing I think about today.

"Cam, okay I'm sorry." I begged again and there wasn't any response.

She's probably disgusted at me and my shallow actions. I'm disgusted at my self too.

"Are you mad at me?" I whispered this time a long silence replied.

But I wasn't going to leave yet, not like this.

"Shawn,"

I thought she'd never reply.

"I'm not mad at you. I just don't know how to feel about you at the moment." Her tone was indifferent and a bit restrained.

This wasn't the Clumsy I knew, it's not that one I was fond with. But it was me who had caused that Clumsy to manifest.

"I understand."