Monologue

Thinking or talking about Richard was never easy. He..he was a big deal once upon a time. He was my first love.

When I got together with Richard, I felt accepted and loved for who I was. It was great in the beginning. I even started to regain a bit of my confidence.

But then, things changed. Richard started to question my choice of clothes. He kept nagging me about my eating habits. And kept on telling me to reduce weight to look more appealing.

This continued for more than 6 months until I caught him cheating on me.

It was our one year anniversary. I decided to pay Richard a surprise visit. I had planned everything out. I bought him his favourite cake,  Chinese food and a special gift. I had the keys to his house as well. I opened the door to his room and before my eyes was a scene I never wished to have witnessed.

Wrapped in his arms was another woman. His lips on hers and his hands on her back. Both of them kissing each other hungrily.

It wasn't long before my presence was acknowledged. He walked towards me and grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the room.

" It's not what it looks like," Richard said.

" I know exactly what it is Richard. You can cut the drama." I couldn't believe that he was trying to lie his way through.

" Why Richard? Why? Why wasn't I enough?" I asked while holding back my tears.

What he said next was forever engraved in my brain.

" You're fat and ugly. Just take a look at yourself and Vanessa. You can't even be compared to her. She's stunning. How could anyone resist?"

He was right. She was stunning. Tall, slim, long luscious locks, small pink lips and deep blue eyes. She was everything a man would like in a woman.

But still, it didn't give him the right to cheat on me. It hurt. Everything did. Was it even right to get hurt?

Every word hurt like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I was angry, sad, frustrated, hurt. Before I knew it, my palm met his cheek. I don't know what came over me.

Realising what I had done, I ran away from there. I reached home and locked myself in my room. I cried for god knows how long. It was an awful day.

For a very long time, I blamed myself. I thought I was at fault.

But Nat and Alex stood by my side through it all. They helped me feel better. And I can never thank them enough for it. From bringing me my favourite ice cream to binge-watching Supernatural, they did anything and everything to make me feel better.

Even after a year, I'm still insecure about the way I look. I find it hard to believe that someone can fall in love with me solely based on my personality.

After Richard, I never tried to get into another relationship. He nearly crushed me and I couldn't let it happen again. I'm still healing. The months of mental torture on what to eat, what to wear and how to behave had had a great impact on my life.

Presently, I'm happy with one-sided love. I've realised that one-sided is the purest and the most sincere kind of love. You expect nothing and you have the person all to yourself. It's beautiful.

I don't know if I'll find love again. I've stopped looking for it. I cannot let myself go through that pain again. My heart won't be able to take it.

I'd be lying if I said that I loved myself. To be honest, I hate myself. Every morning when I wake up, I look at my belly and wish for it to be flat. I look at my arms and wish for it to be thinner. I look at my hair and wish for it to be straight and silky.

But they're all wishes. Just mere wishes.

I have a long way to go before I accept myself for the way I am. I don't even know what it'll take for me to accept myself. Is it acceptance from myself or someone else?

Anyway, enough with the sad monologue. Let's proceed with the story, shall we?

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Thank you so much for reading.