Chapter 4

I walked down the street to Iris' house. I had just turned the corner when I heard Iris call my name. She walked with me to the house. Once inside, she embraced me in a gentle hug and held me for a long time. When she finally let go, she looked at me and asked how I was doing. Tears tumbled down my checks. I knew I needed something. Something about the nightmares, the old memories, and the vision all hinted at something I was missing, but I didn't understand what.

Iris nodded and then asked me if I would be willing to help her finish making some herbal preparations. This was her way of distracting me and giving herself sometime to think. While we worked she told me of her plans to travel and teach others. She had made a similar journey to this town about five years ago when I met her.

We worked until the sun set, then she said to me, "Aspen, I feel impressed to tell you that you need to cleanse and continue working with the herbs to improve your sight. This will lead you to what you need to do so you can better serve those around you."

"Will you help me?"

"Yes, dear."

I spent the next two weeks with Iris. At first the nights seemed normal, but not halfway through the first week they became harder. Each night I would wake up from my nightmares, each more detailed and painful than the last. But Iris was there to hold me, and talk to my younger self to help them understand what had happened while I cried. There were no noticeable changes in my eyesight, and I was beginning to feel a little discouraged that the herbs weren't working. Iris kept reassuring me that the herbs were working like they needed to.

She did an herbal regime with me and taught me more. She explained the spiritual, mental, emotional, physical connection with herbs better. Iris explained that there are two levels to the use of herbs. The first level works on the physical body and lifts our spirit. At the physical level, if we pay attention, we begin to know what our body and spirit needs. This type of a communication is like the preparatory stage to the spiritual level of work. The spiritual level is where the emotional and mental aspects come in. At this level we begin to change what we think and feel.

Thoughts will become more positive, uplifting, and begin to replace the negative thoughts. This in turn effects emotions. As the positive thoughts create positive emotions, the body starts letting go of old emotions. Emotional cleansing is one of the hardest, because as the body tries to let go of the emotion, we are required to feel it again. When that happens we must accept and face that emotion in order to eliminate it, if we don't and stuff it back where it was, it will create more problems in the long run.

"So, is that why the nightmares have returned? My body is trying to release old emotions?" I asked her, one night.

"I believe so. I also think that the vision you had was also correct in a way. The lake could be your emotions, and unless you release them and pull yourself from their depths, you'll be consumed by them."

The last night with Iris was the hardest. My eyesight was bleary and the shadows had a little more definition and color. My nightmares had lessened some, but that night was different. I don't remember what it was that had scared me so much, but I knew I didn't want Iris to leave. At four o'clock the next morning, she assured me that everything would be okay then waved goodbye as she began the next part of her journey. It was now the beginning of spring and the perfect time to begin a journey. Life was blossoming and many useful plants could be found along the way.

When I got back to the mansion, no one was up yet, so I quietly went to my room and changed into the clothes I was wearing when Jesse picked me up off the street. The snow disappeared as the sun rose. Quietly I walked back outside for a morning walk when I saw the greenhouse and drying shed on the east side of the house. I could tell it had not been used very much, if at all, for many years. I found a broom and a clean rag and began cleaning. I washed the glass panes. I wiped off the tables and threw away all the dried herbs that were stilling hanging up. Then I swept the floors of the greenhouse.

By the time I was finished, I could hear the meal preparations getting started. I walked into the kitchen and asked if there was anything I could do to help. The servants were startled that I was dressed as I was and offering to help. They tried to discourage me from helping, but eventually, though somewhat reluctantly, they let me help by allowing me to wash the dishes.

"Good morning, everyone," Jesse greeted his staff.

"Morning, Sir," they all replied.

"Has Aspen returned?"

"This morning," I said.

Jesse stepped closer to me.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Washing the dishes," I said turning toward him.

He shook his head, "What are you doing in those clothes and why are you all dirty?"

"I've had a busy morning and I didn't see the point in getting a nice dress all dirty," I said, returning to the dishes.

"Will you tell me what is going on?"

"After you eat," I replied.

I finished the dishes then went into the sitting room and started to wash the windows.

"Will you stop?" Jesse asked, coming in later.

"What?"

"Stop cleaning. It's servant's work."

"Then consider me a servant," I replied as I finished the window.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I was told to."

"You don't have to obey orders."

"It wasn't an order. It was a command."

"Aspen, you command your own life."

"Do I? If I'm in command, I'm not doing a very good job."

I started washing the last window. A different feeling settled in my chest. The smile I had faded. I closed my eyes and set a hand over my heart. I would need to meditate on that feeling later. I finished the window as Jesse continued to watch. Then I smiled for him and motioned for him to follow me. We walked out to the greenhouse. A different expression crossed Jesse's face.

"If you use it again the emptiness will go away," I said.

Jesse stepped toward me as my vision fuzzed and I started to collapse.

I stirred and could hear Jesse and the doctor talking about blood letting and calomel treatments.

"No blood letting or calomel," I said. Then I slept.

When I woke up the room was spinning. I could hear Jesse's deep breathing as he sat vigil. The room was hot, so I quietly got out of bed and made my way to the window. When I opened the blinds I noticed it was still dark outside. I knelt on the floor and opened the window a little. The soft breeze felt wonderful.

Then I remembered the feeling I had in the sitting room. A peace had settled into my heart as the words, "Iris has gone home," entered my mind. I would miss her. Her work not only inspired me to be more loving, but empowered me to help others. Many lives were saved at the orphanage because the doctors couldn't do anything. But, then no matter how many lived, every single one that I had become good friends with had died.

My face grew hot as the tears came. The only way to heal these wounds was to let the tears come out and take with it the poisons that kept the wound open. While I wept, I heard a panicked, "Aspen?"

"By the window," I choked.

"Why are you out of bed?"

"It was too hot."

"Let me help you back to bed."

"No, let me stay here."

"Are you okay?"

"I will be. Go get some sleep."

"Okay."

After he had left, I lay down next to the window and fell asleep. I was only slightly aware of someone picking me up. After that I heard voices on and off. Jesse's sounded the most worried.