3 Chapter Three: Wishing I was Dead

Pain...

I can feel this unbearable pain in my head, as if someone's drilling straight through my skull. My eyes remain glued shut, regardless of this excruciating pain.

I feel like I'm drowning again.

I can't breathe...

I want to wake up....

I hate this dream...

My eyes shot open. I was met with a white ceiling, with white walls, white curtains... White

everything.

He breathed in the cold air that was heavily doused in disinfectant.

Where am I?

He sat up in the bed, facing the white curtains ahead of him.

Abruptly the door opened, and footsteps began to approach him. He quickly laid down again,

trying to calm his breathing as the person arrived at the side of his bed.

He could feel the breath of the person as they lean in towards his face. He pictured the

person observing his eyes' movements under his eyelids.

The person left, closing the curtains once again on their way out.

He sighed and stared up at the ceiling as his mind trailed off into the subject death, as it usually

did. "I haven't died yet?" he asked himself incredulously. The pain was bearable, but still

uncomfortable. His head ached, as if a million daggers were poking at his insides. He could feel

every ounce of blood circulating inside his body as the numbing sensation overtook him. He

tried to pull himself up, but failed due to these achy, numb limbs.

Come on, Jinu! This is what you wanted right?! Pain - to feel this eerie pain again! Get your ass

up already and kill yourself! Get up! he internally screamed at himself.

He grasped the grid beside his bed and pushed himself up. He winced at the sharp pain that followed.

He shook his head, refusing to give up. Pain felt the best when he knew he wasn't dreaming. He wanted to know he wasn't dreaming.

Life is horrible. It beats you up. It's abusive, cruel, and dangerous.

Life is more than the opposite of death, he thought. Death was better than living out his days in

this merciless world.

He'd rather die.

-

His legs dangled off the edge of the bed. He stared at the shiny, white tiled floor. He swung his

legs as he brainstormed a way to get out of the hospital without getting caught.

He stepped onto the floor, the cold temperature immediately transferring to his feet. He walked

around the room, scanning every nook and crevice to find something that could help him create

the perfect escape plans.

He found scissors, cutters, extra shirts and some containers of pills from the restroom cabinets.

He dryly swallowed down some of the containers. He winced in pain as the pills slowly slipped down his throat.

They were pain killers.

He took out a needle that was previously impaled in his veins. Small droplets of blood

immediately pulsed out of the small opening as he took some cotton balls from the cabinet to

block the rushing blood. He applied pressure on the wound as he stepped towards the door with

his weapons and containers, in case he needed to swallow them again.

He cautiously turned the knob and walked silently through the corridor of the hospital. Luckily,

there was next to no one in the corridor, so no one would notice him. He quickened his pace

and speed-walked all the way to the nearest elevator. Once he stepped into the elevator, he pushed the lobby button. After a few seconds the doors slid open again, and he walked out of

the hospital before heading for the busy road.

He didn't care anymore. He yearned for death so badly, that if he got hit by a car again, that'd be just fine with him.

So, he walked across the busy streets. Cars honked and beeped as he attempted to walk past a

green light, when all cars were moving. He didn't care. He carelessly looked down at his feet,

observing each step he took, rather than minding the cars passing by.

"Hey kid, get out of the way! You're gonna die!"

"Do you have a death wish?!"

"Go fix yourself douchebag!"

"Hurry the fuck up, the timer's almost done!"

Those were the words that people screamed at Jinu as he crossed the road senselessly.

He continued to walk and walk until he reached the bridge. He took his cutter out, and began

cutting at himself, until he would bleed to death. He wanted to feel pain.

He couldn't take it. He took the pain killers to lessen the excruciating pain.

Finally, it hit him.

"Pain killers?! Why would I take this if all I want is to feel pain?!" he shouted at himself through the silence as he threw the containers over the bridge. He choked as he looked down at his cut up arms.

His skin was almost peeled of, and the blood had already dripped off his arm and stained the cement floor beneath it. His hospital dress was slowly becoming covered in blood as well.

He didn't even care, he continued cutting and cutting until he was immune to the pain. A smile

crept onto his pale, tired face as his eyes blurred and his knees weakened.

"I'll be there," he whispered, before collapsing to the ground with a thump.

[someone's p.o.v]

When he told me all he wanted was to die, my heart shattered. I thought he wanted my help. I realized that I shouldn't have saved him back there on the bridge... I should've let him drown to death.

I should have let him drown.

Tears welled in my eyes, making the world around me blurry and unclear. I let out a shaky sigh

before walking out of my house and making my way to the bridge, where I always go to clear my thoughts.

I reached my destination, but was shocked when I saw a man, laying on the ground in a pool of

blood.

I ran towards him and crouched over him. I tilted his head to get a clearer view of his face, only

to find that he was the guy I saved that night. My expression morphed into a worried and caring one as I hovered over the guy and cupped his cheek. I pursed my lips and threw the guy's arms

on my shoulders, bringing him to my house.

I bet he doesn't like hospitals. I don't either. I really don't trust the doctors there, my brother died because of them.

We got to my house and I laid him down on my table. I grabbed a pillow and placed it

underneath his head before getting out my safety kit. I needed it to treat the wounds on his

arms.

I cleaned his wounds and stitched them up neatly. All I needed to do now was wait for him to

wake up.

I'd already taken a doctrine course because I wanted to save people. And I hoped I saved him...

Again.

I hope he stops killing himself.

I wish I knew what happened in his past.

I hope I can save him.

I hope I can help him get through the trials he's gone through.

I hope I can help him and save him from drowning over and over again.

I know what he's feeling... because I've been there.

And I want to help people who need my help.

I want to save him from drowning in his nightmares.

I hope.