First

I'd hesitated thousand times just to come up with this decision and I finally mustered up the courage to give it to him. I was about to give my very precious secret journal to someone. Along with the hope that he would at least read this. I was wishing that he would take time to read every page of this book and that he would get to appreciate every word written here.

Crazy, right? Maybe most of us would do crazy things for the person we like. We would not use our minds to think, rather, we just listen to what our hearts dictate. There was not even a valid reason for me to give this journal to him. Would he care? I don't know. Would he spare a minute to even open this journal? I bet not, but I was here still giving it a try.

I'd immediately spotted the chair where his bag was usually placed. For the nth time, I looked over my shoulder to check if someone was right on my heels. No one was around. There was an ongoing graduation practice in the auditorium. I just had a moment here because I lied to my professor that I needed to use the bathroom. Thank goodness, he did not see the journal I was holding when I left the room.

"This won't take me long," I murmured under my breath. I needed to do this now and forget that this happened afterward.

Before this day came to an end, I made a promise to myself that the journal would reach him. Only him and not anyone else. But not in a way that I would hand it personally; however, he would get a chance to read what's inside, but he won't be able to know it's from me.

I had slipped the journal into his bag and walked my way back to our classroom swiftly as I could, thinking that someone was chasing after me. That made my heart raced.

After my class that day, I deliberately stopped by the auditorium to watch the graduating students as they practiced for their graduation march. My best friend Elise gave me a favor when she agreed to hang out with me after class. She knew who the guy I liked from the senior year was. What she didn't know was, I did give the journal to Francis anonymously. I was aware that she would freak out the moment she found it out.

As I waited for Elise to arrive, I looked around and easily noticed Francis, who was laughing with his best friend -- Charlie. They seemed to be enjoying every minute of their graduation practice, and I thought maybe I should do the same, -- now that I had already accomplished my plan. I should enjoy this knowing that the following day would be his last day in school. I had thought of attending and watching their graduation ceremony. Or maybe not. I would choose the latter option.

The journal was already inside his bag. There was no time to regret things. It had been done. I need to move on. Pretend it was not from me. I made sure not to include any sign that I own the journal. Aside from the fact that all the things there were handwritten. I didn't think he knew my handwriting. Perhaps he would just think that it was probably from one of his admirers. Well, partly true, I was one of them.

"Where have you been a while ago?" I heard Elise's voice as she approached me. "I've been looking for you in class," she added.

"Somewhere over the rainbow," I answered without breaking my gaze at the guy who seemed joyful about the upcoming graduation ceremony.

"Hahaha, you're funny, Nikki." Elise stated sarcastically, "Have you heard the news today?" she inquired.

Quickly, I replied. "What news?"

I looked at her with a quizzical expression on my face.

She sat in the chair outside the auditorium, meanwhile, I remained standing across her so that I could still pay attention to what was happening inside.

"Francis has invited all of us to come over to their house tonight. Heard his family will be hosting a send-off party for him."

I was in awe of the invitation. There was never a chance that we had been invited by Francis to any kind of personal event with his family.

"Wow! That's a piece of great news." I retorted, feigning indifference.

I bet Elise was also skeptical about the sudden invitation by the look on her face.

The point was, my and Francis' class were not on good terms. Therefore, I thought, he should have invited those who were friends with him, and that excluded us. Or maybe his family was affluent enough to accommodate all his friends in their house, particularly his college classmates. We were not classmates; that was the principal point.

She shrugged. "Do you want to go?"

"I think I'll pass," I chirped right away, dismissing the idea of going and attending the party.

I would love to, but I could not think of a reason why I should celebrate parting with the guy I liked. In my opinion, goodbyes should not be celebrated.

"Don't you want to see him? For one last time? And maybe talk to him for more than five minutes."

The way her eyes investigated mine indicated that Elise was teasing me; her lips were curved up forming a wicked grin.

"If presence could kill Elise, I would die a thousand moments just by being near him."

Elise goaded me to go. She told me things like I would be able to meet Francis' family, his closest friends, and the list was so long.

"I'll stay at home tonight. Final answer." I said firmly and before I looked away.

Declining the offer from Francis was what I planned to do. I was so sure that he would not even notice our absence. Hours from that moment, I knew he would get to see the journal. I could picture his initial reaction upon seeing it in his bag, his face full of curiosity.

I just wanted to absolve myself from doing stupid things in front of him if I were to attend the party tonight. Just saving myself from an embarrassing moment once again. What had he thought when he started to read the pages? What would he even say if he found out it was from me? I made it, wrote the poems, and obviously, was head over heels with him.

"Look at me straight in the eyes and say that you don't want to go," Elise demanded.

"The journal is already in his bag," I faced her and uttered those words nonchalantly. "I won't go to the party, and that's decided," I told her but not aloud, tried not to raise Cain.

After that, I started to walk away from the auditorium, away from him and Elise. I should not stay in this place for too long. I was a culprit hiding from the authorities. There were a lot of things I should do and focus on not just with some guy.

A hand grabbed my arm, prevented me from walking. Elise's expression was full of scorn the moment I turned to face her. Certainly, she did not approve of what I'd done.

"You're kidding, Nikki. Tell me you did not put that damn thing inside his bag." she snapped, letting go of my hand.

Elise waited for me to say something like she wanted me to take back what I had said, and I did not. I smiled, and that smile earned a frown from her.

"You won't get anything from doing that. You should have just given it to him personally. Francis is too busy to give a shit about the journal thing. You're not thinking straight, Alexander Dominique!" she addressed me by my given name; and used that motherly tone as it was mentioned.

"Thanks for the constant reminder, Maria Elise," was my reply, emphasizing her full name, too.

"I'm not asking for anything in return, you know that," I added.

We started teasing each other with our bynames. We didn't dislike our given names, to be honest, but it constantly reminded us of our mothers when they were mad as hell and just about to explode when we had carried out mischievous acts.

Elise smiled before closing the gap between us; she hugged me.

"Okay, we're not going," she whispered enough for me to hear it.

I smiled, at least I didn't lose a friend after such foolishness.

When I said I was not expecting something in return, it was true. I was not hoping for reciprocated feelings, all I wanted was to let him know how much I admire him. He could also consider the journal as a graduation gift from me though it was a child's play.

Elise broke the news that tomorrow he would be flying into Vegas and would be staying there for good. So, this was the last day that I would get to see him. Working abroad was not part of my bucket list; it had not even crossed my mind to permanently live abroad.

Francis was the type of guy who was thinking ahead of time. He had already plotted his future, perhaps. Vegas and he were quite a good match. His family had bought a place there, and during holidays or school vacations, he was staying in Vegas to spend time with them. I bet he got already accepted in the company he wanted to work with; he had found a niche.

After their red-letter day, everything was like a typical day. I, the ordinary student who was working hard to graduate with flying colors; and he was the guy who had been known in our school since freshman year. I was just his colleague; the girl who deliberately sat at the table across them during lunchtime, which he was not aware I did; the girl who had watched him play basketball during their P. E class, and at break time had noticed that he liked, most of the time, to hold bottled water using his right hand. Moreover, I knew he was an ambidextrous basketball player. He could dribble the ball using his left hand and shoot it using his right hand.

I was the kind of girl who had become a keen observer when he was around. I knew a lot more about him than the contents of my history book.

I was admiring him in silence, from afar, from an unreachable distance. I was the number one fan of their school band. They may not be as famous as Coldplay and Maroon 5, but their songs were still the best for me. He was the best drummer I had ever met, and I had ever seen to perform. All their school performances were recorded on my phone. Ask me how many times I had played it; I could give you the exact number of times. There was a part of me that wanted their band to go all out, like write songs and produce them so everybody would get to acknowledge their band.

Those were the days, I was still young to define the feelings I had for him as love, but he was certainly the only guy whom I felt these maddening feelings for. Ever since the day I laid my eyes on him, -- the same day I was given a chance to talk to him about the school program that their organization was handling, --I had realized that he was something.

We had attended school meetings together, we weren't given a chance to talk for a long time, but those meetings I truly had enjoyed. He may view me as the schoolmate whose organization used to give their org a helping hand, but for me, he was someone special. It had started from a simple infatuation that grew into admiration. Yes, maybe that was it.

I never stopped thinking about him. In my dreams, there was him. We were talking. We were walking together. But all these circumstances were occurring only when I was asleep. We all have a guy of our dreams, right? Well, mine, it happened to be Francis.